Section 6

Sex and Morals

Many youths will no doubt turn to this section of the book first. Why? Because no subject generates as many questions and as much controversy​—and confusion—​as sex and morals. Morality, however, encompasses more than sexual behavior. For example, can you call a youth moral who lies and cheats? Or are there situations in which dishonesty is OK? Fortunately, the Bible gives us some direct and practical guidelines on these matters of morality.

Chapter 23

What About Sex Before Marriage?

‘IF YOU love each other, is it all right? Or should you wait until you’re married?’ ‘I’m still a virgin. Is there something wrong with me?’ Questions like these abound among youths.

Nevertheless, “It is the exceptional young person who has not had sexual intercourse while still a teenager,” concluded the Alan Guttmacher Institute in its 1981 report. “Eight in 10 males and seven in 10 females report having had intercourse while in their teens.”

‘And why not?’ you may ask. After all, it is only natural to want to feel loved. And when you’re young, your passions can be powerful to the point of distraction. Furthermore, there’s the influence of your peers. They may tell you that premarital sex is fun and that when you really like someone, it’s only natural to want to be intimate. Some may even say that having sex proves your manhood or womanhood. Not wanting to be viewed as odd, you may thus feel under pressure to experience sexual relations.

Contrary to popular opinion, not all youths are in a hurry to give up their virginity. Consider, for example, a young single woman named Esther. She was getting a medical checkup when her doctor matter-of-factly inquired: “What method of contraception are you using?” When Esther replied, “I’m not using any,” her doctor exclaimed: “What! Do you want to get pregnant? How do you expect not to get pregnant if you’re not using anything?” Esther replied: “Because I’m not having sex!”

Her doctor stared at her in disbelief. “This is unbelievable,” he said. “Kids come in here 13 years old, and they are no longer virgins. You are a remarkable person.”

What made Esther “remarkable”? She obeyed the Bible’s admonition: “Now the body is not for fornication [including premarital sex] . . . Flee from fornication.” (1 Corinthians 6:13, 18) Yes, she recognized premarital sex as a serious sin against God! “This is what God wills,” states 1 Thessalonians 4:3, “that you abstain from fornication.” Why, though, does the Bible forbid premarital sex?

The Aftereffects

Even in Bible times, some engaged in premarital sex. An immoral woman might invite a young man to indulge, saying: “Do come, let us drink our fill of love until the morning; do let us enjoy each other with love expressions.” (Proverbs 7:18) The Bible, however, warned that pleasures enjoyed today can cause pain tomorrow. “For as a honeycomb the lips of a strange woman keep dripping, and her palate is smoother than oil,” observed Solomon. “But,” he continued, “the aftereffect from her is as bitter as wormwood; it is as sharp as a two-edged sword.”​—Proverbs 5:3, 4.

One possible aftereffect is the contracting of a sexually transmitted disease. Imagine the heartache if years later one learned that a sexual experience has caused irreversible damage, perhaps infertility or a serious health problem! As Proverbs 5:11 warns: “You have to groan in your future when your flesh and your organism come to an end.” Premarital sex also leads to illegitimacy (see pages 184-5), abortion, and premature marriage​—each with its painful consequences. Yes, one engaging in premarital sex truly ‘sins against his or her own body.’​—1 Corinthians 6:18.

Recognizing such dangers, Dr. Richard Lee wrote in the Yale Journal of Biology and Medicine: “We boast to our young people about our great breakthroughs in preventing pregnancy and treating venereal disease disregarding the most reliable and specific, the least expensive and toxic, preventative of both gestational and venereal distress​—the ancient, honorable, and even healthy state of virginity.”

Guilt and Disappointment

Many youths have further found premarital sex to be bitterly disappointing. The result? Feelings of guilt and diminished self-respect. Twenty-three-year-old Dennis admitted: “It was a big letdown​—no feeling of good or warmth of love as it was supposed to be. Rather the full realization of how wrong the act was hit me. I felt totally ashamed at my lack of self-control.” Confessed a young woman: “I came back to reality with a sickening thud. . . . The party was over and I felt sick, cheap, and dirty. It didn’t make me feel any better to hear him say, ‘Why on earth didn’t you stop us before things went too far?’”

Such reactions are not rare, according to Dr. Jay Segal. After studying the sexual activities of 2,436 college students, he concluded: “Dissatisfying and disappointing first [sexual intercourse] experiences exceeded those that were fulfilling and exciting by a ratio of almost two to one. Both males and females recalled that they were greatly disappointed.” Granted, even married couples may sometimes have their difficulties when it comes to sex. But in a marriage, where there is genuine love and commitment, such problems usually can be worked out.

The Price of Promiscuity

Some youths feel no guilt whatsoever about having relations, and so they go all out for sensual gratification, seeking sex with a variety of partners. Researcher Robert Sorensen, in his study of teenage sexuality, observed that such youths pay a price for their promiscuity. Writes Sorensen: “In our personal interviews, many [promiscuous youths] reveal . . . that they believe they are functioning with little purpose and self-contentment.” Forty-six percent of these agreed with the statement, “The way I’m living right now, most of my abilities are going to waste.” Sorensen further found that these promiscuous youths reported low “self-confidence and self-esteem.”

It is just as Proverbs 5:9 says: Those engaging in immorality “give to others [their] dignity.”

The Morning After

Once a couple have had illicit relations, they often look at each other differently. A boy may find that his feelings for the girl are not as intense as before; he may even find her less attractive. A girl, on the other hand, may feel exploited. Recall the Bible account of the young man Amnon and how lovesick he was over the virgin Tamar. Yet, after intercourse with her, “Amnon began hating her with a very great hatred.”​—2 Samuel 13:15.

A girl named Maria had a similar experience. After having sexual relations, she admitted: “I hated myself (for my weakness), and I hated my boyfriend. In fact, the sex relations we thought would bring us closer ended our relationship. I didn’t even want to see him again.” Yes, by having premarital sex, a couple cross a line over which they can never go back!

Paul H. Landis, a respected researcher in the field of family life, observes: “The temporary effect [of premarital sex] may be to strengthen the relationship, but the long-term effects may be quite different.” Indeed, couples who have sex are more likely to break up than are those who abstain! The reason? Illicit sex breeds jealousy and distrust. Admitted one youth: “Some fellows, when they have intercourse, think afterwards, ‘if she had it with me maybe she had it with someone else.’ As a matter of fact, I felt that way. . . . I was extremely jealous and doubtful, and suspicious.”

How remote this is from genuine love, which “is not jealous, . . . does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) The love that builds lasting relationships is not based on blind passion.

The Benefits of Chastity​—Peace and Self-Respect

Staying chaste, however, does more than help a youth avoid dire consequences. The Bible tells of a young maiden who remained chaste despite intense love for her boyfriend. As a result, she could proudly say: “I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers.” She was no ‘swinging door’ that easily ‘opened up’ under immoral pressure. Morally, she stood like the unscalable wall of a fortress with inaccessible towers! She deserved to be called “the pure one” and could say of her prospective husband, “I have become in his eyes like her that is finding peace.” Her own peace of mind contributed to the contentment between the two of them.​—Song of Solomon 6:9, 10; 8:9, 10.

Esther, the chaste girl mentioned previously, had the same inner peace and self-esteem. She said: “I felt good about myself. Even when workmates would ridicule me, I viewed my virginity like a diamond, valuable because it is so rare.” Additionally, youths like Esther are not plagued by a guilty conscience. “There is nothing nicer than to have a good conscience toward Jehovah God,” stated Stefan, a 19-year-old Christian.

‘But how can a couple get to know each other well if they don’t have sex?’ wonder some youths.

Building Lasting Intimacy

Sex alone cannot forge a permanent relationship; neither can expressions of affection, such as kissing. A young woman named Ann warns: “I learned from experience that at times you can get too close physically too soon.” When a couple spend their time lavishing affection upon each other, meaningful communication ceases. They may thus gloss over serious differences that can resurface after marriage. When Ann later began to date another man​—the one she eventually married—​she was careful to avoid becoming too intimate physically. Explains Ann: “We spent our time working out problems and discussing our goals in life. I got to know what type of person I was marrying. After marriage, there were only pleasant surprises.”

Was it hard for Ann and her boyfriend to show such self-control? “Yes, it was!” confessed Ann. “I am just naturally an affectionate person. But we talked about the dangers and helped each other. We both wanted very much to please God and not spoil our upcoming marriage.”

But does it not help for a new husband or wife to have previous sexual experience? No, on the contrary, it often detracts from marital intimacy! In premarital relations, the emphasis is on self-gratification, the physical aspects of sex. Mutual respect is undermined by uncontrolled passion. Once such selfish patterns are formed, they are hard to break and can eventually wreak havoc on the relationship.

In marriage, however, a healthy intimate relationship demands restraint, self-control. The focus must be on giving, ‘rendering one’s sexual due,’ rather than getting. (1 Corinthians 7:3, 4) Staying chaste helps you develop such self-control. It teaches you to put unselfish concern for the other’s welfare ahead of your own desires. Remember, too, that marital satisfaction is not purely due to physical factors. Sociologist Seymour Fisher says that a woman’s sexual response also depends upon her having “feelings of intimacy, closeness, and dependability” and upon her husband’s “ability to identify with his wife, and . . . how much confidence she had in him.”

Interestingly, in a study of 177 married women, three fourths of those who had engaged in premarital sex reported sexual difficulties during the first two weeks of marriage. Furthermore, all who reported long-term sexual difficulties “had histories of premarital intercourse.” Research has further shown that those engaging in premarital sex are twice as likely to commit adultery after marriage! How true are the Bible’s words: “Fornication . . . take[s] away good motive.”​—Hosea 4:11.

Therefore, ‘you will reap what you sow.’ (Galatians 6:7, 8) Sow passion and reap a bumper crop of doubts and insecurities. But if you sow self-control, you will reap a harvest of fidelity and security. Esther, mentioned earlier, has since been happily married for several years now. Says her husband, “It’s an indescribable joy to come home to my wife and know that we belong only to each other. Nothing can replace this feeling of confidence.”

Those who wait until marriage also enjoy peace of mind, knowing they are pleasing to God. Still, staying chaste these days is far from easy. What can help you to do so?

Questions for Discussion

◻ How prevalent is premarital sex among the youths you know? Does this create any problems or pressures for you?

◻ What are some of the negative aftereffects of premarital sex? Do you know of any youths who have suffered in these ways?

◻ Is birth control the answer to the problem of teen pregnancy?

◻ Why do some feel guilt and disappointment after engaging in illicit sex?

◻ Do you feel that sexual relations will help an unmarried couple to draw closer to each other? Why do you so answer?

◻ How can a couple get to know each other while dating?

◻ What do you think are the benefits of remaining virgin until marriage?

[Blurb on page 182]

“It is the exceptional young person who has not had sexual intercourse while still a teenager.”​—The Alan Guttmacher Institute

[Blurb on page 187]

“It was a big letdown​—no feeling of good or warmth of love as it was supposed to be”

[Blurb on page 190]

By having premarital sex, a couple cross a line over which they can never go back!

[Box/​Picture on page 184, 185]

It Can’t Happen to Me!’​—The Problem of Teen Pregnancy

“More than one in 10 teenagers gets pregnant each year, and the proportion is rising. If patterns do not change, four in 10 young women will get pregnant at least once while still in their teens.” So reports Teenage Pregnancy: The Problem That Hasn’t Gone Away. And what kind of girls get pregnant? Said the journal Adolescence: “School-age girls who become pregnant come from all socioeconomic classes . . . All races, all faiths, and all parts of the country, rural and urban.”

Few girls actually want to become pregnant. In his landmark study of over 400 pregnant teenagers, Frank Furstenberg, Jr., observed that “most remarked repeatedly in the interviews, ‘I never thought it would happen to me.’”

But observing that some of their friends had enjoyed sexual relations without getting pregnant, some girls figured they could do so, too. Furstenberg also states: “A number mentioned that they did not think it was possible to become pregnant ‘right away.’ Others thought that if they had sexual relations only ‘every once in a while’ they would not become pregnant . . . The longer they went without conceiving, the more likely they were to assume greater risks.”

The truth is, however, that whenever one engages in sexual relations there is the risk of pregnancy. (Of one group of 544 girls, ‘nearly one-fifth became pregnant within six months after beginning sexual intercourse.’) Many, like an unwed mother named Robin, deliberately choose not to utilize birth control. Robin feared​—as do many youths—​that using the birth-control pill would damage her health. She further admits: “For me to obtain birth control, I would have had to admit to myself that I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t do that. So I just blocked what I was doing out of my mind and hoped nothing would happen.”

Such reasoning is common among unwed mothers. In Furstenberg’s study, “nearly half of the teenagers stated that it was very important for a woman to wait until marriage to begin to have sex . . . Undeniably, there was an obvious discrepancy between the words and the deeds . . . They had acquired one set of standards and had learned to live by another.” This emotional conflict “made it especially difficult for these women to deal realistically with the consequences of their sexual behavior.”

Even using birth control is no guarantee that a girl will escape unwed motherhood. The book Kids Having Kids reminds us: “Every method has a failure rate. . . . Even if unmarried teens consistently use birth control methods . . . 500,000 [in the U.S.] would still become pregnant each year.” A 16-year-old unwed mother named Pat is then quoted as lamenting: “I took [birth-control pills] faithfully. I honestly never missed a day.”

“Do not be misled,” warns the Bible. “God is not one to be mocked. For whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) Pregnancy is just one of the ways one can reap an unpleasant harvest from fornication. Fortunately, unwed mothers, like all others who have become entrapped in immorality, can turn around and come to God with the repentant attitude of King David, who prayed: “Thoroughly wash me from my error, and cleanse me even from my sin.” (Psalm 51:2) God will bless the efforts of such repentant ones to raise their children “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.”​—Ephesians 6:4.

Better it is, though, to avoid premarital sex! Do not be fooled by those who say you can get away with it.

[Picture on page 183]

In the wake of immoral sex, a youth often feels exploited or even humiliated

[Picture on page 186]

Sexually transmitted diseases often result from premarital sex

[Picture on page 188]

Excessive displays of affection can expose a couple to moral dangers and curtail meaningful communication

[Picture on page 189]

Marital happiness depends upon more than a couple’s physical relationship

Chapter 24

How Can I Say No to Premarital Sex?

A NATIONWIDE survey by ’Teen magazine revealed that many of its young readers wanted information on the following question: “How to say no to sexual pressure.”

At Psalm 119:9, the psalmist posed a similar question: “How will a young man [or woman] cleanse his path?” The answer: “By keeping on guard according to your [God’s] word.” But more is needed than head knowledge. “You know in your mind what the Bible says about immoral sex,” confessed one young woman. “But your heart keeps pushing these reasons into the back of your mind.” Appropriately, the psalmist continued: “In my heart I have treasured up your saying, in order that I may not sin against you.”​—Psalm 119:11.

Safeguard the Heart

To treasure God’s sayings in your heart requires first that you read and study the Scriptures and Bible-based literature. This can help convince you of the value of God’s laws. On the other hand, reading, listening to, or viewing sexually stimulating material whips up the “sexual appetite.” (Colossians 3:5) So strictly avoid such material! Ponder instead on things that are chaste and clean.

Research has further shown that one’s close friends can have a great influence on whether one stays chaste. Said the psalmist: “A partner I am of all those who do fear you [God], and of those keeping your orders.”​—Psalm 119:63.

Are your friends those who are really striving to ‘keep God’s orders’? A young woman named Joanna makes this observation regarding choice of friends: “If you are around people who love Jehovah, you find that, as you talk about morals, you start to feel the same way they do. For instance, if you hear them say that immorality is disgusting, you begin to feel likewise. On the other hand, if you’re with someone that doesn’t care, pretty soon you’ll become just like him.”​—Proverbs 13:20.

It is dating and courtship, however, that often present the greatest challenge to remaining chaste. Consider a nationwide study by Robert Sorensen. He found that 56 percent of the young men and 82 percent of the women surveyed who had experienced sexual relations did so for the first time with someone with whom they were going steady​—or at least knew well and liked a lot. What, then, if you are old enough to pursue marriage and are dating someone? How can you get better acquainted with that person and still keep chaste?

Avoiding Pitfalls When Courting

The Bible warns: “The heart is trickier than anything and in a desperate state; who understands it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, Byington) One may feel a perfectly normal attraction toward someone of the opposite sex. But the more you’re around each other, the greater the attraction. And this normal desire can lead your heart astray. “Out of the heart come wicked reasonings, . . . fornications,” said Jesus Christ.​—Matthew 15:19.

Often a young couple do not plan to have sexual intercourse.a In most cases, this occurred because a couple engaged in petting, or stimulating touching, of intimate body parts. Confessed one unwed mother: “To me and to most of the kids I know, it just kind of went a little bit further each time, and finally you aren’t a virgin anymore. You start out to do a little petting, and before you realize what is happening, you can’t stop.”

To avoid falling into sexual immorality yourself, you must lead your heart, rather than let it lead you. (Proverbs 23:19) How can you do this?

Set limits: A young man may feel that his girlfriend expects him to initiate kissing and petting, when in reality she may not. “By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) So if you are dating, let the other person know how you feel about the matter by “consulting together.” Wisely set limits on expressions of affection. At the same time, don’t give out mixed signals. Wearing tight, revealing, sexy clothes can give your partner the wrong message.

Avoid tempting situations: The Bible tells about a young virgin who was invited by her boyfriend to hike with him to a secluded spot in the mountains. His motive? So they could enjoy the beauties of early spring. However, the girl’s brothers found out about the planned excursion and indignantly put a stop to it. Was it because they felt she was immorally inclined? Not at all! But they well knew the power of temptation under such circumstances. (Song of Solomon 1:6; 2:8-15) Likewise, you should avoid circumstances that could lead to temptation, such as being alone in a house, an apartment, or a parked automobile with someone you are dating.

Know your limitations: There are times when you may be more vulnerable to sexual enticements than at other times. For example, you may be discouraged because of some personal failure or a disagreement with your parents. Whatever the case, during such times you will have to be especially cautious. (Proverbs 24:10) Also, be careful about the use of alcoholic beverages. Under the influence of these, you can lose your inhibitions. “Wine and sweet wine are what take away good motive.”​—Hosea 4:11.

Say no and mean it: What can a couple do when emotions escalate and they find themselves becoming dangerously intimate? One of them has to say or do something that breaks the mood. Debra found herself alone with her date, who stopped the car in a lonely place to “talk.” When the emotions began to escalate, Debra said to her date: “Isn’t this necking? Shouldn’t we stop?” That broke the mood. He immediately drove her home. To say no under these circumstances may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. But as one 20-year-old woman who gave in to having sexual relations said: “If you don’t walk away, you’ll be sorry!”

Have a chaperon: Though viewed as old-fashioned by some, having a chaperon to accompany you on a date is still a good idea. “It looks as if we can’t be trusted,” complain some couples. Perhaps. But is it wise to trust oneself? Proverbs 28:26 bluntly states: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid, but he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” Walk wisely by having someone else join you on a date. “I really respect the fellow who brings his own chaperon. I know he is as interested as I am in being chaste,” revealed Debra. “It works no hardship, for when we want to say something privately, we just step out of earshot of others. The protection it affords is worth any inconvenience.”

Friendship With God

Above all, developing a close friendship with God, knowing him as a real person with feelings, will help you avoid conduct that offends him. Pouring out your heart to him about specific problems draws you close to him. Many couples wishing to remain chaste have even prayed together to God during emotionally charged situations, asking that he give them the needed strength.

Jehovah generously responds by giving such ones “power beyond what is normal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7) You, of course, have to do your part. Yet, be assured that with God’s help and blessing, it is possible to say no to sexual immorality.

[Footnotes]

Questions for Discussion

◻ What are some things you can do that will help you to treasure Jehovah’s laws regarding sex?

◻ How can your friends affect your view of premarital sex?

◻ Why do you feel caution is necessary when dating?

◻ What are some things a courting couple can do to protect themselves from falling into sexual immorality?

[Blurb on page 193]

“You start out to do a little petting . . . ”

[Blurb on page 194]

When courting, avoid immorality by not isolating yourselves

[Box/​Pictures on page 195]

Staying Chaste While Dating

Avoid situations that could lead to necking and petting

Date in groups or have a chaperon

Keep the conversation on an upbuilding level

From the start, let your partner know your attitude regarding limits on expressions of affection

Dress modestly and avoid provocative actions

Ask to be taken home if you feel your chastity is in jeopardy

Refrain from long “good-nights”

Keep an early curfew

[Pictures]

Courting couples can pursue activities that do not isolate them from other people

[Picture on page 196]

If a situation becomes too “heated,” have the sense to say No!​—and mean it!

Chapter 25

Masturbation​—How Serious Is It?

“I’m wondering if masturbation is wrong in the eyes of God. Will it affect my physical and/​or mental health in the future and if I ever get married?”​—Fifteen-year-old Melissa.

THESE thoughts have plagued many youths. The reason? Masturbation is widespread. Reportedly, some 97 percent of males and more than 90 percent of females have masturbated by the age of 21. Furthermore, this practice has been blamed for all manner of ills​—from warts and red eyelids to epilepsy and mental illness.

Twentieth-century medical researchers no longer make such alarming claims. Indeed, doctors today believe that no physical illness is caused by masturbation. Researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson add that “there is no established medical evidence that masturbation, regardless of frequency, leads to mental illness.” Nevertheless, there are other ill effects! And many Christian youths are rightly concerned about the practice. “When I gave in to [masturbation], I’d feel as if I were failing Jehovah God,” wrote one youth. “I got seriously depressed sometimes.”

Just what is masturbation? How serious is it, and why do so many youths find it to be a habit that is hard to break?

Why Youths Are Vulnerable

Masturbation is deliberate self-stimulation to produce sexual arousal. During the bloom of youth, sexual desires become strong. Powerful hormones are released that affect the reproductive organs. A youth thus becomes aware that these organs are capable of producing pleasurable sensations. And sometimes a youth may become sexually excited without even thinking about sex.

For instance, the tensions produced by various worries, fears, or frustrations can affect a boy’s sensitive nervous system and cause sexual arousal. A buildup of semen may in turn cause him to awaken sexually excited. Or it may produce a nocturnal emission, usually accompanied by an erotic dream. Similarly, some young girls may find themselves stimulated unintentionally. Many have a heightened sexual desire just before or after their menstrual period.

So if you have experienced such arousal, there is nothing wrong with you. This is a normal response of a youthful body. Such sensations, even if very intense, are not the same as masturbation, since they are largely involuntary. And as you grow older, the intensity of these new sensations will subside.

Curiosity and the novelty of these new sensations, though, lead some youths deliberately to manipulate, or play with, their sexual organs.

‘Mental Fuel’

The Bible describes a young man who meets a promiscuous woman. She kisses him and says: “Do come, . . . let us enjoy each other with love expressions.” Then what happens? “All of a sudden he is going after her, like a bull that comes even to the slaughter.” (Proverbs 7:7-22) Obviously, this youth’s passions were aroused not simply because his hormones were at work but because of what he saw and heard.

Similarly, one young man admits: ‘The root of my whole problem with masturbation boiled down to what I put in my mind. I would watch TV programs that included immorality and in some cases watch programs on cable TV that would show nudity. Such scenes are so shocking that they stay with you. They would surface again in my mind, providing the mental fuel needed to engage in masturbation.’

Yes, often it is what one reads, watches, or listens to, as well as what one talks about or meditates on, that triggers masturbation. As one 25-year-old woman confessed: “I just couldn’t seem to stop the habit. However, I used to read romance novels, and this contributed to the problem.”

A “Tranquilizer”

This young woman’s experience reveals what is undoubtedly the greatest reason why the habit can be so hard to break. She continues: “Usually I masturbated to release pressure, tension, or anxiety. That fleeting pleasure was like the drink the alcoholic takes to calm his nerves.”

Researchers Suzanne and Irving Sarnoff write: “For some people masturbation may become a habit to which they turn for solace whenever they are rebuffed or feel apprehensive about something. Others, however, may withdraw in this way only occasionally, when they are under the most acute emotional stress.” Evidently, others similarly resort to the habit when upset, depressed, lonely, or under much stress; it becomes a “tranquilizer” to blot out their troubles.

What Does the Bible Say?

A youth asked: “Is masturbation an unforgivable sin?” Masturbation is not mentioned at all in the Bible.a The practice was common in the Greek-speaking world during Bible times, and several Greek words were used to describe the practice. But not one of these words is used in the Bible.

Since masturbation is not directly condemned in the Bible, does this mean it is harmless? Absolutely not! Though it is not classed with such gross sins as fornication, masturbation is surely an unclean habit. (Ephesians 4:19) The principles of God’s Word thus indicate that you “benefit yourself” by strongly resisting this unclean habit.​—Isaiah 48:17.

Arousing “Sexual Appetite”

“Deaden, therefore, your body members,” urges the Bible, “as respects . . . sexual appetite.” (Colossians 3:5) “Sexual appetite” refers not to normal sexual feelings but to passion that is out of control. Such “sexual appetite” can thus lead to one’s indulging in gross acts, as described by Paul at Romans 1:26, 27.

But does not masturbation “deaden” these desires? No, on the contrary, as one youth confessed: “When you masturbate, you dwell mentally on wrong desires, and all that does is increase your appetite for them.” Often an immoral fantasy is used to increase the sexual pleasure. (Matthew 5:27, 28) Therefore, given the right circumstances, one could easily fall into immorality. This happened to one youth, who admits: “At one time, I felt that masturbation could relieve frustration without my getting involved with a female. Yet I developed an overpowering desire to do so.” He committed fornication. Not surprisingly, a nationwide study revealed that the majority of adolescents who masturbated were also committing fornication. They outnumbered those who were virgins by 50 percent!

Mentally and Emotionally Defiling

Masturbation also instills certain attitudes that are mentally corrupting. (Compare 2 Corinthians 11:3.) When masturbating, a person is immersed in his or her own bodily sensations​—totally self-centered. Sex becomes separated from love and is relegated to a reflex that releases tension. But God intended that sexual desires be satisfied in sexual relations​—an expression of love between a man and his wife.​—Proverbs 5:15-19.

A masturbator may also tend to view the opposite sex as mere sex objects​—tools for sexual satisfaction. Wrong attitudes taught by masturbation thus defile one’s “spirit,” or dominant mental inclination. In some cases, the problems caused by masturbation persist even after marriage! For good reason, God’s Word urges: “Beloved ones, let us cleanse ourselves of every defilement of flesh and spirit.”​—2 Corinthians 7:1.

A Balanced View of Guilt

Many youths, though generally successful in overcoming this bad habit, occasionally give in to it. Fortunately, God is very merciful. “For you, O Jehovah, are good and ready to forgive,” said the psalmist. (Psalm 86:5) When a Christian succumbs to masturbation, his heart is often self-condemning. Yet, the Bible states that “God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.” (1 John 3:20) God sees more than our sins. The greatness of his knowledge enables him to hear with sympathy our earnest pleas for forgiveness. As one young woman wrote: “I have felt guilty to an extent, but knowing what a loving God Jehovah is and that he can read my heart and know all my efforts and intentions keeps me from feeling too depressed when I fail on occasion.” If you fight the desire to masturbate, it is not likely that you will commit the serious sin of fornication.

The September 1, 1959, issue of The Watchtower stated: “We [may] find ourselves stumbling and falling many times over some bad habit that has bitten more deeply into our former pattern of life than we had realized. . . . Do not despair. Do not conclude you have committed the unforgivable sin. That is just how Satan would like you to reason. The fact that you feel grieved and vexed with yourself is proof in itself that you have not gone too far. Never weary of turning humbly and earnestly to God, seeking his forgiveness and cleansing and help. Go to him as a child goes to his father when in trouble, no matter how often on the same weakness, and Jehovah will graciously give you the help because of his undeserved kindness and, if you are sincere, he will give you the realization of a cleansed conscience.”

How can that “cleansed conscience” be attained?

[Footnotes]

Questions for Discussion

◻ What is masturbation, and what are some popular misconceptions regarding it?

◻ Why do youths often feel very strong sexual desire? Do you think this is wrong?

◻ What things can fuel the desire to masturbate?

◻ Does masturbation do a youth any harm?

◻ How serious a sin do you feel masturbation is? How does Jehovah view a youth who is putting up a fight against it, though perhaps having problems overcoming it?

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Some feel the urge to masturbate when under pressure or when tense, lonely, or depressed

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‘The root of my whole problem with masturbation boiled down to what I put in my mind’

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“When I gave in to [masturbation], I’d feel as if I were failing Jehovah God”

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Though masturbation may cause strong guilt feelings, sincere prayer for God’s forgiveness and hard work to resist the practice can give one a good conscience

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Erotic movies, books, and TV shows are often the ‘mental fuel’ for masturbation

Chapter 26

Masturbation​—How Can I Fight the Urge?

“IT IS a very strong addiction,” said a young man who struggled with masturbation for over 15 years. “It can be just as habit forming as any drug or alcoholic beverage.”

The apostle Paul, however, did not let his desires become like a harsh master. On the contrary, he wrote: “I pummel my body [fleshly desires] and lead it as a slave.” (1 Corinthians 9:27) He got tough with himself! A similar effort will enable anyone to break free from masturbation.

“Prepare Your Minds for Action”

Many masturbate to relieve tension and anxiety. Masturbation, though, is a childish way to react to problems. (Compare 1 Corinthians 13:11.) Better it is to show “thinking ability” and attack the problem itself. (Proverbs 1:4) When problems and frustrations seem overwhelming, “throw all your anxiety upon [God].”​—1 Peter 5:6, 7.

Suppose you accidentally see or hear something that is sexually stimulating? The Bible recommends: “Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled.” (1 Peter 1:13, New International Version) Exert your mind and reject the immoral thought. The arousal will soon die down.

Rejecting bad thoughts is especially difficult, though, when one is alone at night. One young woman advises: “The best thing to do is get right out of bed and get busy with some type of work, or maybe have a little snack, so that your mind turns to other things.” Yes, force yourself to ‘consider whatever things are of serious concern, righteous, chaste, lovable, well spoken of.’​—Philippians 4:8.

When you have difficulty falling asleep, endeavor to imitate faithful King David, who wrote: “When I have remembered you [God] upon my lounge, during the night watches I meditate on you.” (Psalm 63:6) Forcing your mind to ponder on God and his qualities will often break the spell. It also helps if you keep thinking of how God views this unclean habit.​—Psalm 97:10.

Take Preventive Measures

“Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself, but the inexperienced have passed along and must suffer the penalty,” wrote the inspired wise man. (Proverbs 22:3) You can show yourself shrewd by exercising forethought. For example, if you find that engaging in certain activities, wearing tight-fitting clothing, or eating certain foods has caused you to become sexually stimulated, then by all means avoid such. Alcoholic drinks, for example, can lower one’s inhibitions and make self-control harder. Also, avoid like the plague any reading matter, TV programs, or movies with sensuous themes. “Make my eyes pass on from seeing what is worthless,” prayed the psalmist.​—Psalm 119:37.

Preventive measures can also be taken for those times when you are particularly vulnerable. A young woman may find that her sexual desires become more intense at certain times of the month. Or one may be emotionally hurt or depressed. “Have you shown yourself discouraged in the day of distress? Your power will be scanty,” warns Proverbs 24:10. So avoid being alone for long periods of time. Plan upbuilding activities that will keep your mind involved in challenging undertakings, giving it less opportunity to gravitate toward immoral thoughts.

A Spiritual Offensive

A 27-year-old man who had struggled with the habit since he was 11 was finally able to gain the victory. “It was a matter of going on the offensive,” he explained. “I read the Bible, at least two chapters every single day without exception.” He has done this without fail for over three years. Advises yet another Christian: “Before going to bed, read something related to spiritual things. It is very important that the last thought of the day be a spiritual one. Prayer at this time is also extremely helpful.”

“Having plenty to do in the work of the Lord,” such as the work of teaching others the Bible, also helps. (1 Corinthians 15:58) One woman who overcame masturbation stated: “One thing that now really helps me to avoid this habit is that as a full-time evangelizer my mind and energies are all turned toward helping others to gain an approved relationship with God.”

By heartfelt prayer, you can also beg God for “the power beyond what is normal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7) “Before him [God] pour out your heart.” (Psalm 62:8) One young woman says: “Prayer is an instant tower of strength. Praying at the time the desire arises definitely helps.” Also, upon rising and throughout the day, express your resolve to God and plead for his strengthening holy spirit.​—Luke 11:13.

Help From Others

If your personal efforts are not successful, speak to someone who can help, such as a parent or a Christian elder. Young women may find it helpful to confide in a mature Christian woman. (Titus 2:3-5) One young man who was at the point of despair said: “I talked privately with my father one evening about it.” He revealed: “It took everything I had to tell him. I cried as I told him, I was so ashamed. But I’ll never forget what he said. With a reassuring smile on his face, he said: ‘You make me so proud of you.’ He knew what I had to go through to get to that point. No words could have lifted my spirits and determination more.

“My father then showed me a few scriptures to help me see that I was not ‘too far gone,’” continued the youth, “and then some more scriptures to be sure I understood the seriousness of my wrong course. He said to ‘keep the slate clean’ until a certain time, and we would discuss it again then. He told me not to let it crush me if I relapsed, just go a longer period of time without giving in the next time.” After overcoming the problem fully, the young man added: “Having someone else aware of my problem and helping me was the greatest benefit.”

Dealing With a Relapse

After working hard to overcome the habit, one youth suffered a relapse. He admitted: “It was like a crushing weight on me. I felt so unworthy. I then rationalized: ‘I’m too far gone. I don’t have Jehovah’s favor anyhow, so why be tough on myself?’” However, a relapse does not mean that one has lost the fight. One 19-year-old girl recalls: “At first it happened about every night, but then I began relying on Jehovah more, and with the help of his spirit I now only fail maybe six times a year. I feel very bad afterward, but each time I fail, when the next temptation comes, I’m much stronger.” So gradually she is winning her fight.

When a relapse occurs, analyze what led up to it. One youth says: “I review what I have been reading or thinking about. Almost always I can pinpoint the reason I slipped. This way I can stop doing that and correct it.”

The Rewards of a Good Fight

Said one youth who overcame masturbation: “Since overcoming the problem, I can keep a clean conscience before Jehovah, and that is something that I wouldn’t trade for anything!”

Yes, a good conscience, an improved sense of self-worth, greater moral strength, and a closer relationship with God are all rewards of a good fight against masturbation. Says one young woman who finally overcame masturbation: “Believe me, the victory over this habit is well worth the effort put forth.”

Questions for Discussion

◻ Why is it dangerous to dwell on erotic thoughts? What can a youth do to get his or her mind onto something else?

◻ What preventive measures might a youth take to lessen the temptation to indulge in masturbation?

◻ Why is a spiritual offensive helpful?

◻ What role does prayer play in overcoming this habit?

◻ Why is it helpful to confide in someone if there is a problem in this regard?

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Pornography​—Habit-Forming and Dangerous!

“Pornography is everywhere: you walk down the street​—there it is displayed openly on newsstands,” recalled 19-year-old Ronald. “Some of our teachers would bring it to school, reading it at their desks while waiting for the next class.” Yes, many people of various ages, backgrounds, and educational levels are avid readers of pornography. A youth named Mark said: “When I read girlie magazines and viewed the photographs it was exciting! . . . I looked forward to new issues of these magazines because going through ones I had finished didn’t give me the same flush of excitement. It’s habit-forming.” But is it a good habit?

Pornography has an overwhelming message: ‘Sex is purely for self-gratification.’ Much of it is saturated with rape and sadistic violence. Many viewers soon find that “milder” forms (soft-core) are no longer stimulating and so they seek out pictures or movies that are even more obscene! As Ernest van den Haag, an assistant professor at New York University, said: “Pornography invites us to perceive others only as pieces of meat, as objects of exploitation for the sake of our own sensations of pleasure.”

Pornography further presents a warped, idolized view of sex that often leads to marital problems. Says one young wife: “Reading pornography caused me to desire with my husband the abnormal things portrayed in the books. This led to constant frustration and a letdown sexually.” A 1981 survey was conducted among several hundred women regarding the effects of pornography on their rapport with the men in their lives who read it. Nearly one half reported that it caused serious problems. It actually destroyed some marriages or engagements. One wife lamented: “I can only assume by [my husband’s] need and desire for sexual release with pornography that I am inadequate . . . I wish to God I were a woman who could satisfy him, but he prefers plastic and paper and his need has destroyed a part of me. . . . Pornography is . . . anti-love . . . It is ugly, cruel and destructive.”

Of greatest concern to Christian youths, however, is the fact that pornography directly works against one’s efforts to be clean in God’s sight. (2 Corinthians 6:17–7:1) The Bible shows that “because of the insensibility of their hearts” some in ancient times came “to be past all moral sense” and “gave themselves over to loose conduct to work uncleanness of every sort with greediness.” (Ephesians 4:18, 19) Would you want to experience such corruption? Remember, even an occasional indulgence in pornography can have a desensitizing effect on one’s conscience. It has led some young Christians to masturbation and, worse yet, sexual immorality. The wise thing, then, is to work hard to stay free from pornography.

“Many times pornography is in my direct line of sight,” says young Darryl. “So I am forced to see it at first glance; but I don’t have to look a second time.” Yes, refuse to look where it is openly displayed, and refuse to allow classmates to goad you into looking at it. As 18-year-old Karen reasoned: “As an imperfect person it is difficult enough trying to keep my mind on things that are chaste and praiseworthy. Would it not be all the more difficult if I deliberately read pornography?”

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“Prayer is an instant tower of strength. Praying at the time the desire arises definitely helps”

Chapter 27

Honesty​—Is It Really the Best Policy?

HAVE you ever been tempted to lie? Donald told his mother that he had cleaned his room when, in reality, he had thrown everything under the bed. Richard made an equally inept attempt at pulling the wool over his parents’ eyes. He told them that he got a failing grade, not because he did not study, but because he ‘did not get along with his teacher.’

Parents and other adults usually see through such transparent ploys. Yet that does not stop many youths from at least trying to lie, bend the truth, or downright cheat when it seems advantageous. For one thing, parents do not always react coolly to crises. And when you have come in two hours later than you were supposed to, it may seem tempting to say there was a major accident on the freeway, rather than to tell your parents the embarrassing truth​—that you simply lost track of the time.

School may present another challenge to honesty. Students often feel overloaded with homework. Cutthroat competition often exists. Why, in the United States, surveys show that more than half of all students cheat or have cheated. But while a lie may seem attractive, and cheating the easy way out, does it really pay to be dishonest?

Lying​—Why It Doesn’t Pay

Lying to escape punishment might seem advantageous at the time. But the Bible warns: “He that launches forth lies will not escape.” (Proverbs 19:5) The likelihood is great that the lie will be exposed and punishment meted out anyway. Then your parents will be angry not only because of your original transgression but also because of your lying to them!

What about cheating in school? Says a director of campus judicial programs: “Any student committing an act of academic dishonesty will run a serious risk of harming future educational and employment opportunities.”

True, many seem to be getting away with it. Cheating may very well get you that passing grade, but what are the long-range effects? You no doubt agree it would be foolish to cheat your way through a class on swimming. After all, who wants to be stuck on land when everybody else is having fun in the water! And if you got pushed into a pool, your cheating habits could cause you to drown!

But what about cheating at math or reading? True, the results may not be quite as dramatic​—at first. If you have not developed basic academic skills, however, you may find yourself “sinking” in the job market! And a diploma obtained by cheating won’t be much of a life preserver. The Bible says: “The getting of treasures by a false tongue is an exhalation driven away.” (Proverbs 21:6) Any advantages a lie may bring are as short-lived as vapor. How much better it would be for you to buckle down and study, rather than to lie and cheat your way through school! “The plans of the diligent one surely make for advantage,” says Proverbs 21:5.

Lying and Your Conscience

A young girl named Michelle lyingly accused her brother of breaking a cherished knickknack, though she later felt compelled to confess her lie to her parents. “I felt really bad most of the time,” explains Michelle. “My parents had put trust in me, and I let them down.” This well illustrates how God has placed within mankind the faculty of conscience. (Romans 2:14, 15) Michelle’s conscience tormented her with guilt feelings.

Of course, a person could choose to ignore his conscience. But the more he practices lying, the more he becomes insensitive to the wrong​—‘marked in his conscience as with a branding iron.’ (1 Timothy 4:2) Do you really want to have a deadened conscience?

God’s View of Lying

“A false tongue” was and is one of the things that “Jehovah does hate.” (Proverbs 6:16, 17) After all, it is Satan the Devil himself who is “the father of the lie.” (John 8:44) And the Bible makes no distinction between lies and so-called white lies. “No lie originates with the truth.”​—1 John 2:21.

Honesty must thus be the policy for anyone who wants to be God’s friend. The 15th Psalm asks: “O Jehovah, who will be a guest in your tent? Who will reside in your holy mountain?” (Ps 15 Verse 1) Let us consider the answer given in the next four verses:

“He who is walking faultlessly and practicing righteousness and speaking the truth in his heart.” (Ps 15 Verse 2) Does that sound like a shoplifter or a cheater? Is it someone who lies to his parents or pretends to be something he is not? Hardly! So if you want to be a friend of God, you need to be honest, not only in your actions but in your heart as well.

“He has not slandered with his tongue. To his companion he has done nothing bad, and no reproach has he taken up against his intimate acquaintance.” (Ps 15 Verse 3) Have you ever allowed yourself to go along with a group of youths who were making unkind, cutting comments about someone else? Develop the strength of willpower to refuse to participate in such talk!

“In his eyes anyone contemptible is certainly rejected, but those fearing Jehovah he honors. He has sworn to what is bad for himself, and yet he does not alter.” (Ps 15 Verse 4) Reject as friends any youths who lie, cheat, or brag about immoral exploits; they will expect you to do the same things. As a youth named Bobby observed: “A friend you lie along with will get you in trouble. He is not a friend you can trust.” Find friends who respect standards of honesty.​—Compare Psalm 26:4.

Did you notice that Jehovah appreciates, or “honors,” those who keep their word? Perhaps you promised to help out around the house this Saturday, but now you have been invited to a ball game for that afternoon. Will you treat your word lightly and go with your friends, leaving your parents to do the chores, or will you keep your word?

“His money he has not given out on interest, and a bribe against the innocent one he has not taken. He that is doing these things will never be made to totter.” (Ps 15 Verse 5) Isn’t it true that greed is a major cause of cheating and dishonesty? Students who cheat on tests are greedy for grades they have not studied for. People who take bribes value money more than justice.

True, some point to political and business leaders who bend rules of honesty to get their way. But how solid is the success of such persons? Answers Psalm 37:2: “Like grass they will speedily wither, and like green new grass they will fade away.” If not caught and disgraced by others, ultimately they face the judgment of Jehovah God. God’s friends, however, “will never be made to totter.” Their eternal future is assured.

Developing “an Honest Conscience”

Is there not strong reason, then, to avoid any kind of lying? The apostle Paul said of himself and his companions: “We trust we have an honest conscience.” (Hebrews 13:18) Is your conscience likewise sensitive to untruth? If not, train it by studying the Bible and Bible-based literature such as The Watchtower and Awake!

Young Bobby has done so, with good results. He has learned not to cover over problems with a web of lies. His conscience prods him to approach his parents and honestly discuss matters. At times this has resulted in his receiving discipline. Nevertheless, he admits that he ‘feels better inside’ for having been honest.

Speaking the truth is not always easy. But the one who makes a decision to tell the truth will maintain a good conscience, a good relationship with his real friends, and best of all, the privilege of being a “guest” in the tent of God! Honesty, then, is not only the best policy, it is the right policy for all Christians.

Questions for Discussion

◻ What are some situations in which it might seem tempting to lie?

◻ Why doesn’t it pay to lie or cheat? Can you illustrate this from personal observation or experience?

◻ How does a liar damage his conscience?

◻ Read Psalm 15. How do the verses apply to the issue of honesty?

◻ How can a youth develop an honest conscience?