The Reality of Rape

IN THE time it takes you to read to the end of this page, a woman will be raped somewhere in the United States. She will be alone and will be terrorized by an act of violence and degradation by someone she probably knows. She may be beaten. She may resist. She will undoubtedly fear for her life.

Rape is the fastest growing violent crime in the United States, which already has one of the highest rates of rape in the world. According to police reports, 16 rapes are attempted, and 10 women are raped every hour. Add to that the fact that unreported rapes may be ten times higher!

The United States does not stand alone with these grim statistics. In France the number of victims who reported being raped rose 62 percent between 1985 and 1990. By 1990, Canada saw reports of sexual assaults double to 27,000 in just six years. Germany reported one sexual assault on women every seven minutes.

Rape hurts innocent men as well.a Men “suffer from living in a society where half the population has reason to be resentful, suspicious, and scared,” said psychologist Elizabeth Powell. They may also be victimized by having to live in fear for their wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends, or they have to cope with feelings of guilt and pain when someone they love becomes a rape victim.

Why the Increase?

Rape flourishes in societies that tolerate violence and sexual manipulation. In a number of countries, men and women are bombarded from childhood with destructive messages and misinformation about sex, through the media, the family, and their peers. They learn the poisonous concepts that sex and violence are linked and that women exist to provide sexual satisfaction to men, regardless of women’s wishes.

Note the attitude of Jay, a 23-year-old file clerk. “Society says that you have to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women to be a real man,” he said. “Well, what happens if you don’t? Then what are you?” Because of that pressure, if a woman made him angry or frustrated, he might rape her.

Such violent and aggressive attitudes toward women are common in rape-prone cultures, believes researcher Linda Ledray. “To a great extent the rapist is only acting out the broader social script,” she said. Movies and television contribute to that destructive social script. Rape is a common theme in pornography, but pornography is not the only culprit. Studies have shown that violent films with no sexual content result in more aggressive attitudes toward women than films that have explicit sex but no violence. Television is implicated as well when it “portrays some of the most manipulative sex to be found anywhere,” Powell said. The message from the media? “When angry, hurt somebody.”

That message is translated into day-to-day relationships, with tragic results. In an increasingly permissive world, men often feel that women owe them sex, especially if the man spends money on the woman or she initially seemed receptive to his advances.

“When it comes to sexual relations, saying ‘no’ is often meaningless when the words are spoken by a female,” said journalist Robin Warshaw. And all too often, rape is the result.

“The Second Rape”

Kathi was 15 years old when she was raped by three members of her high school hockey team. When her family pressed charges, she was ostracized and harassed by friends, neighbors, and strangers. “Boys will be boys,” the family was told. At school Kathi was called obscene names, and threatening messages were left on her locker. Her rapists were punished with probation and community service and went on to become athletic heroes for the school. Kathi was punished with months of harassment. Eventually she took her life.

Kathi’s case is a tragic example of how rape victims are often assaulted first physically by the rapist, then emotionally by others. Many women find that attitudes and misconceptions about rape result in the victim’s being blamed for the crime. Friends, family, police, doctors, judges, and juries​—those who should be helping the victim—​may share those misconceptions and hurt the victim nearly as deeply as did the rapist. The problem of blame is so severe that some have termed it “the second rape.”

Rape myths create a false sense of security. In other words, if you can find some fault in the victim’s behavior​—she dressed in tight clothing or she went out alone at night or she really wanted to have sexual relations—​you or your loved ones will be safe if that conduct is avoided; therefore you will never be raped. The alternative, that rape is a senseless act of violence that can happen to anybody, regardless of how she is dressed, is too terrifying to accept.

One woman, raped by someone she thought of as “nice, respectable,” pleads: “The worst possible thing you can do is believe it won’t happen to you.”

Rape Myths and Realities

The following are some of the long-held misconceptions about rape that serve to blame the victim and to perpetuate attitudes that encourage the perpetrators:

Myth: Rape happens only when a woman is attacked by a stranger.

Fact: The majority of women who are raped are assaulted by someone they know and had trusted. One study found that 84 percent of victims knew their attackers and that 57 percent of the rapes happened on dates. One out of 7 married women will be raped by her own husband.b Rapes are violent and emotionally traumatic whether the attacker is a stranger, a spouse, or a date.

Myth: It’s rape only if a woman afterward shows evidence of resistance, such as bruises.

Fact: Whether they physically resisted or not, few women show visible evidence, such as bruises or cuts.

Myth: A rape victim bears part of the blame unless she actively resists.

Fact: Rape by definition takes place when force or the threat of force is used to gain sexual penetration, of any kind whatsoever, against a person’s will. It is the rapist’s use of force against an unwilling victim that makes him a rapist. Thus, a rape victim is not guilty of fornication. Like an incest victim, she may be forced to submit to an act she doesn’t want because of the perceived power held over her by another person. When a woman is forced to submit to a rapist out of terror or disorientation, it does not mean that she consents to the act. Consent is based on choice without threat and is active, not passive.

Myth: Rape is an act of passion.

Fact: Rape is an act of violence. Men rape, not solely for sex, but to feel power over another person.c

Myth: A woman can tease or lead a man on to the point that he can no longer control his sexual urges.

Fact: Men who rape do not have a stronger sex drive than other men have. Rather, one third of all rapists were unable to complete the sex act. In most cases rapes are planned acts, not spontaneous urges. Both stranger and acquaintance rapists usually set up their victims​—the stranger by stalking the victim until she is alone, the acquaintance by arranging a situation where she is isolated.

Myth: Women lie about rape to get revenge on a man or because they feel guilty about having sex.

Fact: False reports of rape occur at the same rate as for any other violent crime: 2 percent. On the other hand, researchers agree that rape is grossly underreported.

Myth: A woman can “ask” to be raped by wearing provocative clothing, drinking alcohol, letting a man pay her way, or going to his home.

Fact: Using bad judgment, being naive or ignorant, does not mean that a woman deserves to be raped. Rapists bear sole responsibility for the rape.

[Footnotes]

[Blurb on page 3]

In the United States, 1 out of every 4 women may be a victim of rape or attempted rape

[Blurb on page 4]

Rape flourishes in societies that tolerate violence and sexual manipulation

How to Prevent Rape

Eric was tall and good-looking, and from a wealthy family. Lori was 19 and had been invited on a double date with Eric and his roommate. She arrived at the barbecue at Eric’s home, but unknown to her, the other couple had canceled out. Soon, the rest of the guests started leaving the party.

“I began to think, ‘Something is wrong, something is going on,’ but I ignored it,” she said.

Once he had Lori alone, Eric raped her. Lori never reported the rape to police, and later she moved 150 miles [240 km] away to avoid seeing Eric again. One year later, she was still afraid to date.

RAPE is a growing threat, and a woman’s best defense is to be aware and prepared. Not every rape situation can be anticipated, but knowing how rapists think and plan their attack may help you recognize warning signs.a States an ancient proverb: “Sensible people will see trouble coming and avoid it, but an unthinking person will walk right into it and regret it later.”​—Proverbs 27:12, Today’s English Version.

The best way to avoid a rape situation is to avoid rapists. You should be aware of a pattern of behavior in a man​—even one you know well—​that may identify him as a potential rapist. (See box, page 7.) Some men will use a woman’s style of dress or her willingness to be alone with him as an excuse to rape her. While a woman isn’t responsible if a man holds such warped views, she would be wise to recognize such attitudes.

Don’t allow yourself to be isolated with a man you don’t know well. (Even with one you know well, use discretion.) A stranger rapist may come to your home pretending to be a repairman. Check his credentials. An acquaintance rapist often gets victims alone by inventing errands that require a stop by his home or by lying about there being a group of people at a meeting place. Don’t fall for it.

To avoid problems in dating situations, date in groups or with a chaperon. Know your date well, and set firm limits on the amount of physical intimacy, if any, you will allow. Be cautious about drinking any alcohol! You can’t be alert to danger if your thinking is impaired. (Compare Proverbs 23:29-35.) Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable around someone, don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. Get away.

Parents of teenagers especially need to discuss rape prevention with their children, being specific about dangerous situations because the majority of rapists and rape victims are young.

Act Quickly

Not all rape situations can be anticipated. Unwittingly, you may find yourself alone and facing a man who is stronger than you and who is intent on forcing you into sex. What then?

Act quickly, and remember your goal: escape. A rapist often tests his victim before deciding to attack, so it is important to derail his plans as soon as possible before he gains enough confidence to act. Rape experts offer two courses of action: passive resistance or active resistance. You can try passive resistance first and, that failing, move to active resistance.

Passive resistance may involve anything from buying time by talking to the rapist to pretending you have a sexually transmitted disease to vomiting on your assailant. (Compare 1 Samuel 21:12, 13.) “Tactics are limited only by one’s imagination,” wrote Gerard Whittemore in his book Street Wisdom for Women: A Handbook for Urban Survival.

Passive tactics​—which include everything but physically fighting the rapist—​require cool thinking and should be designed to distract or calm the attacker. If your resistance is making your attacker more angry and violent, try something else. However, don’t allow yourself to be forced into a more isolated area while you’re thinking. And remember one of the most effective forms of passive resistance​—screaming.​—Compare Deuteronomy 22:23-27.

Another option is to react negatively and forcefully. Tell your attacker in no uncertain terms that you will not submit to his wishes. In a date rape situation, you may try the shock tactic of calling the attack what it is. Shouting, “This is rape! I’m calling the police!” may make your would-be rapist think twice about pushing you further.

Fight Back

If talking doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to move to active resistance. That doesn’t mean you’re more likely to be harmed or killed, nor does submission guarantee your safety. Therefore, most rape experts advise putting up a struggle.

Fighting back can be difficult for women because they have been conditioned for a lifetime to be polite, passive, and submissive even when threatened by physical force. Therefore, you need to decide ahead of time that you will resist so that you won’t lose precious time by hesitating during an attack.

You need to feel outraged that anyone would threaten or pressure you. You need to realize that this attack is premeditated, and the rapist is counting on you to submit. Get angry, not afraid. “Your fear is an attacker’s most powerful weapon,” said researcher Linda Ledray. Don’t worry that you are overreacting or that you may look foolish. “Better rude than raped,” as one expert put it. Women who have successfully resisted rapists usually did so actively and tried more than one tactic, including biting, kicking, and screaming.

If you are unable to fend off the rape, concentrate on being able to identify your assailant later. If possible, scratching him or tearing his clothing will leave blood and fabric evidence with you. But at this point, you may simply be unable to fight any longer. In that case, “do not berate yourself that you ‘let’ him rape you,” said Robin Warshaw in I Never Called It Rape. “You do not need to sustain injury or death to ‘prove’ you were raped.”

[Footnotes]

[Box on page 7]

Profile of a Potential Rapist

□ Emotionally abuses you by insulting you, ignoring your views, or getting angry or annoyed when you make a suggestion.

□ Tries to control elements of your life, such as how you dress and who your friends are. Wants to make all the decisions on a date, such as where to eat or what movie to see.

□ Gets jealous for no reason.

□ Talks down about women in general.

□ Gets drunk or “high” and tries to get you to do the same.

□ Pressures you to be alone with him or to have sex.

□ Won’t let you share expenses on a date and gets angry if you offer to pay.

□ Is physically violent even in subtle ways, such as grabbing or pushing.

□ Intimidates you by sitting too close, blocking your way, touching when you’ve said not to, or talking as if he knows you better than he actually does.

□ Can’t handle frustration without getting angry.

□ Doesn’t view you as an equal.

□ Enjoys weapons and likes being cruel to animals, children, or people he can bully.

From I Never Called It Rape, by Robin Warshaw.

[Picture on page 7]

Women who have successfully resisted rapists usually did so actively and tried more than one tactic

How to Cope With Rape

Thirty-three years ago Mary was raped at knife point. Today, Mary’s heart pounds and her palms sweat when she tries to describe it. “It’s the most degrading thing a woman can go through,” she says, almost in tears. “It’s an ugly, horrible thing.”

RAPE can be one of the most devastating emotional events in a person’s life, and the effects can last for a lifetime. In one study, almost one third of rape survivors interviewed had considered suicide, and the vast majority said that the experience had permanently changed them.

The effects can be particularly traumatizing if the woman knew her attacker. An acquaintance rape victim is less likely to receive support from others because either she tells no one what happened or she tells and no one believes it was rape. Since she was hurt by someone she trusted, she is also more likely to blame herself and to doubt her ability to judge others.

Accept Help

Many rape survivors initially react with shock and denial. One woman was raped shortly before an important college exam. She put the rape aside in her mind until after she took the test. Another rape survivor said: “I could not allow myself to remember any of it because my trusted acquaintance became my attacker right in front of my eyes. I didn’t know you could be raped by someone you knew. It may sound silly, but that belief left me with no hope. I felt so alone.”

Some women continue to deny what happened by telling no one about their rape. They repress the attack for years, which delays the healing process and causes other emotional problems that the survivor may not realize are stemming from the rape.

Recovery doesn’t usually begin until you talk to others. A trusted friend can help you to see that what happened to you was indeed rape and was not your fault. An old proverb states: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” (Proverbs 17:17) Also, spiritual shepherds can “prove to be like a hiding place from the wind and a place of concealment from the rainstorm.” (Isaiah 32:2; 1 Thessalonians 5:14) For some victims, contacting a rape-crisis center or a professional counselor may be needed to help them sort out their feelings.

Survivors are often afraid to talk about their rape because of feelings of guilt, especially if they were sexually aroused during the attack. They may feel soiled and useless and blame themselves for the rape​—even though no one but the rapist deserves blame.

“Having a good friend to talk to made a difference,” said Mary, who confided in a fellow Christian. “I could talk to her and not feel dirty and not feel a stigma about having been raped.”

Give Her Support

On the other hand, it would be improper and unloving for friends of the victim to second-guess her or take it upon themselves to decide if she “was really raped.” Never suggest that she enjoyed it or was immoral. The most important thing a friend can do when asked for help is to believe her. Reassure her. Be there to listen when she wants to talk, but don’t press her for details.

If the rape happened recently, friends can help the victim get medical help and can offer a safe place to stay. Encourage her to report the rape, but let her make the decisions. She has just come from a situation where she was stripped of all control. Allow her to take some of that control back by letting her choose what to do next.

Families of rape victims must resist the urge to react emotionally to the situation. They may want to look for someone to blame for the rape or seek revenge on the rapist, neither of which helps the victim. (Romans 12:19) Blaming anyone but the rapist for what happened is futile, and seeking revenge is dangerous. It will cause the survivor to worry about the safety of her loved ones instead of focusing on her recovery.

Families should also be aware that many survivors view sexual relations differently after a rape. In their minds, sex has become a weapon, and they may have difficulty with sexual relations for a time, even with someone they love and trust. For that reason, a husband should not push his wife to resume sexual activity until she is ready. (1 Peter 3:7) Families can help by building a young woman’s self-esteem and showing her that she is still loved and respected regardless of what happened to her. Continued support will be needed as the survivor goes through what are sometimes lengthy steps to emotional recovery.

Coping With Fear and Depression

Women who have been raped say that their most overwhelming reaction is fear. Most rape victims didn’t expect to survive the attack. Later they may fear being raped again or may even fear seeing the rapist accidentally.

The fear felt during the rape can be reawakened by similar sounds, smells, and places. If a woman was raped in an alley, she may be afraid to go into an alley. If she was raped at home, she may never feel safe there again and may be forced to move. Even smelling a cologne similar to what the rapist wore can trigger unpleasant memories.

While few rapes result in pregnancy, many victims are terrified of the possibility. Many also are justifiably worried about whether they’ve contracted a sexually transmitted disease. About half experience feelings of depression, hopelessness, and worthlessness, which can last from several weeks to several months. They also may struggle with anxiety, phobias, and panic attacks.

Although women may not be able to prevent a rape, in time they can take control of their thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the attack. They can learn to replace negative thoughts with positive views of themselves.

“Instead of telling yourself how weak, useless, or helpless you are, learn to tell yourself how well you are doing and how far you have come since the turmoil immediately following the assault,” said Linda Ledray in Recovering From Rape. “Each day that you feel less overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings, tell yourself, ‘I’m learning to take back control.’”

Fear also can be dealt with by learning to identify exactly what is causing it. When the victim identifies the trigger, she can ask herself, How realistic is that fear? For example, if she sees someone who looks like the rapist, she can remind herself that he is not the rapist and he is not going to hurt her.

Another method recommended for dealing with fear is systematic desensitization. The woman makes a list of activities or situations she is afraid of, ranking them from the least frightening to the most. She then imagines herself in the least stressful situation until it no longer seems frightening. She moves down the list until she is comfortable when thinking about all the situations.

With the help of a friend, she can then progress to carrying out the activities in real life, such as going out of the house at night or being alone. She can eventually control her fear so that it no longer affects her daily routine. However, fear of some activities​—such as going down a dark alley at night—​is normal, and there would be no point in trying to overcome uneasiness in those situations.

Redirecting Anger

Rape survivors also experience feelings of anger, which may at first be directed toward all men but, as time goes by, usually become focused on the rapist. Angry people often strike out blindly. Others may react by burying their feelings. However, anger can be constructively channeled, and the way a person deals with her anger can help her recovery. The Scriptures say: “Be wrathful [angry], and yet do not sin.”​—Ephesians 4:26.

First, survivors do not need to be afraid to express anger. They can talk about it to others. Becoming involved in the legal process or keeping a record can be an outlet. They can also work off their anger with physical activities, such as tennis, racquetball, handball, walking, jogging, bike riding, or swimming, which have the added benefit of helping to combat depression.

You can take back control of your life.

What Will Stop Rape?

Stopping rape is more than a matter of women hiding from rapists or fighting them off. “It is men who rape and men who collectively have the power to end rape,” said author Timothy Beneke in his book Men on Rape.

Rape will not end until men stop treating women as mere objects and learn that successful relationships do not depend on violent domination. On an individual level, mature men can speak up and influence other men. Both men and women can refuse to go along with sexist jokes, to watch movies featuring sexual aggression, or to support advertisers who exploit sex to sell products. The Bible counsels: “Let fornication and uncleanness of every sort or greediness not even be mentioned among you, just as it befits holy people; neither shameful conduct nor foolish talking nor obscene jesting, things which are not becoming, but rather the giving of thanks.”​—Ephesians 5:3, 4.

Parents can teach respect for women by example. They can teach their sons to view women as Jehovah God does. God is not partial. (Acts 10:34) Parents can teach their sons to be friends with women and feel at ease around them, as Jesus did. They can teach their sons that sexual intercourse is a tender act of love reserved for one’s marriage mate only. Parents can clearly indicate that violence will not be tolerated, nor dominance of others be valued. (Psalm 11:5) They can encourage their children to discuss sexual matters openly with them and to stand up to sexual pressure.

A Problem Soon to End

However, rape won’t end without revolutionary changes in world society. “Rape is not only an individual problem [but] is also a family problem, a social problem, and a national problem,” said researcher Linda Ledray.

The Bible promises an earth-wide society free of violence, where man will no longer ‘dominate man to his injury.’ (Ecclesiastes 8:9; Isaiah 60:18) The time will soon come when Jehovah God will not tolerate any further abuse of power, including rape.​—Psalm 37:9, 20.

In that new world society, all persons will be educated to be peaceable and will love one another regardless of gender, race, or nationality. (Isaiah 54:13) And at that time, meek persons will live without fear of friends or strangers and will “find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.”​—Psalm 37:11.

[Box/​Picture on page 9]

If You Are Raped

□ Seek medical attention.

□ If you wish, ask that a rape-victim counselor accompany you through medical and legal procedures if one is available.

□ Call the police as soon as you are able to. Counselors recommend reporting for your safety and for the safety of other women. Reporting is not the same as prosecuting, but if you choose to prosecute later, your case will be weakened by a delayed report.

□ Preserve evidence. Do not bathe, change clothing, wash or comb hair, or destroy fingerprints or footprints.

□ Medical personnel will collect evidence and will test for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. If they offer pregnancy prevention drugs, otherwise known as a morning-after pill, Christians should be aware that such drugs can cause the body to abort a fertilized egg.

□ Do what you have to in order to feel safe​—change locks, stay with a friend, block your door—​whether it seems that you’re overreacting or not.

□ Above all, look to the Scriptures for comfort, praying to Jehovah, even calling aloud his name, during and after the assault. Lean on the elders and other close associates in the congregation for support. Attend meetings if at all possible, and seek companionship with fellow Christians in the ministry.