SECTION 3

Friendship Issues

How important is it to you to have friends?

□ Not important

□ Somewhat important

□ Very important

Do you find it easy to make friends?

□ Yes

□ No

Do you have a best friend?

□ Yes

□ No

What one quality would you most expect of a friend? ․․․․․

The Bible says that “a true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” (Proverbs 17:17) That’s the kind of companion you need! But making friends can be difficult, and keeping them can be even harder. How can you create and maintain the best kind of friendships? Consider the advice presented in Chapters 9-12.

CHAPTER 9

How Can I Deal With Loneliness?

It’s a beautiful day, and you have no plans. All your friends do, though. They’re out having a good time. Once again, you’ve been left out! Being among the uninvited is bad enough, but what it implies is even worse. ‘Maybe there’s something wrong with me,’ you say to yourself. ‘Why doesn’t anyone want my company?’

PERHAPS, more than once, you’ve been in the situation described on the opposite page. You may feel as if a wide chasm separates you from your peers. You stammer every time you try to start a conversation with them. When you do have an opportunity to socialize, shyness rears its head. Why is simple socializing so difficult?

Rather than remain stuck on your side of the chasm, you can build some bridges. Let’s see how.

● Chasm 1: A negative view of yourself. Some youths relentlessly put themselves down. They’re convinced that no one likes them and that they have nothing worthwhile to add to a conversation. Is that the way you feel about yourself? If so, a negative self-image will only widen the chasm that separates you from your peers.

The bridge: Focus on your assets. (2 Corinthians 11:6) Ask yourself, ‘What are my strengths?’ Think of some talents or positive qualities that you possess and list them below.

․․․․․

No doubt you have flaws, and it’s good to be aware of these. (1 Corinthians 10:12) But you also have much to offer. Recognizing your assets will give you the confidence you need to break free from a negative self-image.

● Chasm 2: Shyness. You’d love to start a conversation, but when the opportunity arises, you just can’t seem to open your mouth. “I’m in a permanent state of shyness,” laments 19-year-old Elizabeth. “I find it extremely hard to approach people at Christian meetings, and I really admire those who can do it!” If you’re like Elizabeth, you may feel as if this chasm is impossible to cross.

The bridge: Take a genuine interest in others. Don’t worry​—you don’t have to turn into an extrovert. Start by showing interest in just one person. “Simply asking others how they are doing or asking them about their work helps you to get to know them better,” says a youth named Jorge.

Here’s a tip: Don’t limit yourself to people of your own age. Some of the warmest friendships recorded in the Bible were between people with considerable age differences, such as Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, and Timothy and Paul. (Ruth 1:16, 17; 1 Samuel 18:1; 1 Corinthians 4:17) Remember, too, that conversation is an interchange, not a solo performance. People appreciate good listeners. So if you tend to be shy, remember​—you don’t have to carry the whole conversation!

Write down the names of two adults you would like to get to know better.

․․․․․

Why not approach one of the people you listed above and strike up a conversation? The more you reach out to “the whole association of brothers,” the less lonely you’ll feel.​—1 Peter 2:17.

● Chasm 3: Disagreeable behavior. The know-it-all is always ready with an insult, a wisecrack, or a put-down. Then there’s the person who just loves to argue and force his opinions on everyone. Being “righteous overmuch,” he quickly condemns anyone who doesn’t live up to his personal standards. (Ecclesiastes 7:16) In all likelihood, you can’t stand being around people like that! Could it be, though, that a chasm has formed because you act that way? The Bible says: “The foolish one speaks many words,” and also “in the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression.”​—Ecclesiastes 10:14; Proverbs 10:19.

The bridge: Cultivate “fellow feeling.” (1 Peter 3:8) Even if you don’t agree with another’s view, patiently allow that one to talk. Dwell on points that you agree on. If you feel you must express disagreement on some issue, do so in a mild and tactful way.

Speak to others the way you would want to be spoken to. The Bible’s advice is to “keep doing all things free from murmurings and arguments.” (Philippians 2:14) Needless bickering or teasing, as well as insulting others or self-righteously condemning them, simply alienates people. They will like you a lot more if you “let your utterance be always with graciousness.”​—Colossians 4:6.

At All Costs?

After this brief self-examination, perhaps you see some ways that you can build bridges to cross the chasm that may have developed between you and others. Of course, you have to be realistic. You can’t expect everyone to like you. Jesus said that some would even hate those who do what is right. (John 15:19) So it doesn’t pay to try to win friends at all costs.

Nevertheless, while not compromising your Bible-based standards, you can make reasonable efforts to be pleasant and agreeable. Samuel of Bible times was firmly resolved to do what would please God. The result? He kept growing “more likable both from Jehovah’s standpoint and from that of men.” (1 Samuel 2:26) With a little effort, so will you!

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 8

For more information, watch the DVD “Young People Ask​—How Can I Make Real Friends?” It is available in more than 40 languages

KEY SCRIPTURE

“The one freely watering others will himself also be freely watered.”​—Proverbs 11:25.

TIP

Keep conversation moving forward. For example, if someone asks if you enjoyed the weekend, don’t just say yes. Explain why you enjoyed it. Then ask how the other person passed the time.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

The Bible indicates that Moses, Jeremiah, and Timothy may have had a problem with shyness.​—Exodus 3:11, 13; 4:1, 10; Jeremiah 1:6-8; 1 Timothy 4:12; 2 Timothy 1:6-8.

ACTION PLAN!

The chasm I encounter most is ․․․․․

I will work to build a bridge in this area by ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why might some Christians be lonely?

● What can help you to look at yourself in a balanced way, instead of being consumed by negative thoughts?

● How would you comfort a younger brother or sister who is battling loneliness?

[Blurb on page 88]

“One Christian sister was reaching out to me, but for a time I didn’t respond to her. When I finally did, I felt so foolish! She’s turned out to be one of the best friends I’ve ever had, even though she’s 25 years older than I am!”​—Marie

[Picture on page 87]

You can bridge the chasm that separates you from your peers

CHAPTER 10

Why Did My Friend Hurt Me?

“Kerry was my very good friend. I picked her up after work each day, since she didn’t have a car. Soon, though, I began to feel that she was taking advantage of me.

“She would get into the car busily talking or text-messaging on her cell phone. She never said thank you for the rides, and she stopped contributing for gas. And her conversation was negative. I became furious with myself for putting up with her for so long!

“One day I kindly explained to Kerry that I wouldn’t be able to pick her up after work anymore. Since then, she hasn’t sought out my company​—which convinces me all the more that she only valued my friendship for what she could get out of me. And it really hurts!”​—Nicole.

IT CAN happen to the best of friends. One day the two are inseparable; the next day they aren’t even talking to each other. How does a sweet friendship turn sour so fast?

● For Jeremy, everything seemed to change when a good friend moved about a thousand miles away. “After he moved, he never called,” Jeremy says, “and that really hurt me.”

● Kerrin started noticing a personality change in her best friend of five years. “Her attitude and speech really worried me,” Kerrin says. “She became negative and cynical about things that were important to me. When we tried to talk it out, she accused me of being self-righteous and disloyal and said that our friendship wasn’t healthy for her!”

● For Gloria, the end of a close friendship came without warning or explanation. “At first, we hit it off great,” Gloria says, “and she told me that I was like a sister to her. Then, out of nowhere, she stopped doing things with me, and she’d make up really lame excuses.”

● The trouble between Laura and Daria began when Daria stole Laura’s boyfriend. “She would talk with him on the phone for hours, even though he and I were dating,” Laura says. “I was betrayed by my best friend and lost a potential marriage mate​—both at the same time!”

What Went Wrong?

Everyone makes mistakes. So it’s only to be expected that sooner or later a friend will do or say something that hurts you. To be honest, you may recall a few times when you have hurt others. (Ecclesiastes 7:22) “We’re all imperfect, and we’re going to rub one another the wrong way once in a while,” says a girl named Lisa. Usually a rift that’s caused by a minor misunderstanding can be cleared up with a brief conversation.

In other cases, though, a rift in a friendship isn’t the result of a single event but is caused by a gradual realization that the two of you aren’t as similar as you once thought. Remember, as you grow, your interests change​—and so do those of your friend. What can you do when you sense that you and a friend are drifting apart?

How to Mend a Friendship

Have you ever torn one of your favorite articles of clothing? What did you do? Throw it away? or repair it? No doubt, much depended on the extent of the damage and how much you valued the garment. If you really loved that article of clothing, you probably looked for ways to repair it. In many cases, the same is possible with a damaged friendship. Much depends on what has happened and how much you value the relationship.a

For instance, if you’ve been the victim of some unkind word or deed, you may be able to cover over the problem by following the advice of Psalm 4:4: “Have your say in your heart, upon your bed, and keep silent.” So before throwing away the friendship, think carefully. Was the act intentional? If you can’t be sure, why not give your friend the benefit of the doubt? In many cases you can let ‘love cover a multitude of sins.’​—1 Peter 4:8.

You might also examine whether you contributed to the problem. For example, if a friend betrays a confidence, could it be that it was unwise on your part to burden your friend with the information in the first place? Another question you could consider is whether you set yourself up as a target for ridicule​—perhaps by excessive or foolish talking. (Proverbs 15:2) If so, ask yourself, ‘Do I need to make changes so that my friend will respect me more?’

“Can We Talk About What Happened?”

What, though, if you feel that you cannot simply dismiss the matter? In that case it might be best to approach your friend. But be careful not to do so when you’re angry. The Bible states: “An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling.” (Proverbs 15:18) So wait until you’ve cooled down before you attempt to resolve the situation.

When you do approach your friend, remember that your objective isn’t to “return evil for evil.” (Romans 12:17) Rather, your goal is to settle matters and restore the friendship. (Psalm 34:14) So speak from the heart. You could say, “We’ve been friends for some time. Can we talk about what happened?” Once you know the cause of the problem, it may be easier to mend the friendship. Even if your friend is unresponsive, you can find comfort in the fact that you have tried to restore peace.

In the end, be assured that although “there exist companions disposed to break one another to pieces,” there’s also “a friend sticking closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24) Granted, even the best of friendships may undergo occasional strain. When that happens, do whatever you can to mend the relationship. Really, being willing to patch up differences is evidence that you’re becoming a mature adult.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 8

[Footnote]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“If possible, as far as it depends upon you, be peaceable with all men.”​—Romans 12:18.

TIP

Before jumping to conclusions, get your friend’s side of the story.​—Proverbs 18:13.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

People in healthy relationships give each other a measure of space. (Proverbs 25:17) In contrast, becoming overly possessive of a friend’s time and attention can smother a relationship.

ACTION PLAN!

If I need to approach a friend about a hurt that he or she has caused, I could start by saying ․․․․․

Even when upset at what a friend has done, I will seek to maintain peace by ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why do friends sometimes drift apart?

● What type of offenses might you be able to resolve in your heart, and what type of offenses would you need to talk over with the friend who hurt you?

● What beneficial lessons can you learn from going through the experience of being hurt by a friend?

● What precautions can you take in order to reduce the chances of being hurt by a friend?

[Blurb on page 95]

“If I had it all to do again, I would not have expected perfection from our friendship. I would have listened more and supported him and not magnified his flaws. I understand now that what makes a successful friendship is working through the tests and challenges.”​—Keenon

[Picture on page 94]

A rift in a friendship is like a tear in a garment​—but both can be mended

Role Model​—Lydia

Although she is a new believer, Lydia takes the initiative to show hospitality to Paul and his companions. (Acts 16:14, 15) As a result, she has the privilege of enjoying the company of these disciples. After Paul and Silas are released from prison, where do they go? Right back to the home of Lydia!​—Acts 16:40.

Like Lydia, can you take the initiative to get to know others? How can you do so? Start small. Work on talking to one person at a time. You could make it a goal to start a conversation with one person each time you attend a Christian meeting. Try to smile. If you don’t know what to say, ask questions or share something about yourself. Be a good listener. In time, you may be inclined to say more. People often respond to sincere words that are kind and pleasant. (Proverbs 16:24) Because of her friendly and hospitable nature, Lydia was blessed with good friends. If you imitate her example, you will be too!

CHAPTER 11

What About Online Friendships?

Which form of communication do you prefer?

□ Face-to-face

□ Phone

□ Computer

Whom do you find it easiest to converse with?

□ Classmates

□ Family members

□ Fellow Christians

Where does your communication tend to be least inhibited?

□ At school

□ At home

□ At congregation meetings

LOOK at your answer to the first question. Did you indicate that you prefer to communicate by computer rather than talk face-to-face? If so, you’re far from being alone. Many youths use the Internet to start and maintain friendships. “The idea of being able to meet people from around the world​—people you’d never be able to meet otherwise—​is alluring,” says a young woman named Elaine. Tammy, 19, points out another enticement. “You can control how people view you,” she says. “When you’re face-to-face, if you don’t fit in, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Now look at your answers to the second and third questions. Don’t be surprised if you find it easier to converse with classmates than with fellow Christians at congregation meetings. “At school, there’s a greater chance of finding people who are going through the same things you are,” says 18-year-old Jasmine. “That can make them a lot easier to warm up to.”

Put all the above factors together, and it may seem only natural that you would want to chat with schoolmates online. Tammy admits that for a time she did that. “All my schoolmates talked online about things, and I didn’t want to be left out,” she says.a Natalie, 20, set up a Web page to keep in touch with friends. “Technology is advancing,” she says. “Communication is finding new forms. This is one of them, and I like it.”

Weighing the Dangers

There’s no question that, for some, making and maintaining friendships is easier online. “The Internet gives you a form of confidence that you wouldn’t otherwise have,” says Natalie. Tammy would agree. “If you’re shy,” she says, “communicating online gives you a chance to plan exactly what you will say.”

But there are dangers to communicating online, and it would be foolish for you to ignore them. To illustrate: Would you walk blindfolded through the streets of a dangerous neighborhood? Why, then, wander online without being aware of the dangers?

Consider the dangers of trying to find friends over the Internet. “It’s too easy to meet shady people,” says Elaine, who at one time enjoyed casually chatting with strangers online. She adds: “Sometimes it’s only a matter of minutes before someone makes lewd remarks or asks such questions as: ‘Are you a virgin? Do you do oral sex?’ Some even offer cybersex.”

What if you’re just chatting with a trusted friend? Even then, you need to be careful. “You could spend too much time conversing with someone of the opposite sex, even if that person is ‘just a friend,’” says Joan. “The more time you spend sending messages to that person, the closer your friendship becomes, and conversation has the potential of becoming much more intimate.”

“Those Who Hide What They Are”

King David well knew the value of guarding against the wrong kind of friends. He wrote: “I have not sat with men of untruth; and with those who hide what they are I do not come in.”​—Psalm 26:4.

While online, have you encountered the type of people David spoke of? Under what circumstances do people online “hide what they are”? ․․․․․

On the other hand, could it be that you hide what you are while online? “I would start conversations with people and then take on a personality to fit the conversation,” says Abigail, who visited chat rooms.

A girl named Leanne employed another form of deception. She relates: “I regularly communicated online with a boy in a neighboring congregation. We were soon voicing our feelings of ‘love.’ I would minimize the page on the screen when my parents walked by, so they never had a clue as to what was going on. I don’t think they thought it possible that their 13-year-old daughter was writing love poems to a 14-year-old boy. It never entered their heads.”

Staying Safe

Of course, there are times when online communication is appropriate. For example, many people​—adults included—​use the Internet to keep in touch with friends. If that’s true of you, are there any precautions you can take? Consider the following points.

● Monitor the amount of time you spend online, and don’t let it rob you of time for more important things​—including sleep. “Some kids at school said they stayed up till three in the morning on the Internet,” says a youth named Brian.​—Ephesians 5:15, 16.

● Communicate only with people you know or whose identity you can verify. Unsavory individuals regularly troll the Internet looking to exploit unsuspecting youths.​—Romans 16:18.

● When conducting a business transaction, be cautious. Be extremely careful about giving out personal information. Otherwise, you could become a victim of fraud​—or worse.​—Matthew 10:16.

● When sending photos to your friends, ask yourself, ‘Does this truly represent someone who claims to serve God?’​—Titus 2:7, 8.

● As with face-to-face communication, if an online discussion turns toward “things which are not becoming,” end the conversation.​—Ephesians 5:3, 4.

● Always be aboveboard in your use of the Internet. If you have to ‘hide what you are’ from your parents, something’s wrong. “I’m open with my mom,” says a teen named Kari. “I show her what I’m doing online.”​—Hebrews 13:18.

“It’s Worth the Wait!”

You want friends. That’s normal. Humans were created to enjoy the company of others. (Genesis 2:18) So when you feel the urge to have friends, that’s in harmony with the way you were made! Just be careful how you choose them.

Be assured that you can find the best of friends if you choose them according to the standards of God’s Word. One 15-year-old girl put it this way: “It’s hard to find friends who love Jehovah and love you. But when you do find them, it’s worth the wait!”

[Footnote]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“I have not sat with men of untruth; and with those who hide what they are I do not come in.”​—Psalm 26:4.

TIP

Time flies when you’re on the Internet! So set a time limit and stick to it. If need be, set an alarm to go off when your scheduled time is up.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

It only takes a few online details​—perhaps your last name, the name of your school, and your phone number—​to enable someone with bad intentions to find you.

ACTION PLAN!

I would like to limit my time on the Internet to ․․․․․ per week, and to do this I will ․․․․․

If I find myself talking to a stranger on the Internet, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● What are the pros and cons of online communication compared with face-to-face conversation?

● Why is it easy to adopt a different personality when conversing online?

● How can you control the amount of time you spend online?

● In what beneficial ways might Internet communication be used?

[Blurb on page 103]

“I don’t have online contacts whom I don’t know or wouldn’t associate with in real life.”​—Joan

[Picture on page 100, 101]

Would you walk blindfolded through the streets of a dangerous neighborhood? Then why communicate online without being alert to the dangers?

CHAPTER 12

What’s So Bad About Gossip?

“Once I went to a party, and the next day rumors were spread that I had had sex with one of the boys there. That wasn’t true at all!”​—Linda.

“Sometimes I’ll hear a rumor that I’m dating someone​—someone whom, in fact, I don’t even know! Many people who gossip don’t bother to check the facts.”​—Mike.

GOSSIP can fill your life with more intrigue than a feature film. Just ask 19-year-old Amber. “I’ve been a constant victim,” she says. “It was rumored that I was pregnant, that I’d had abortions, and that I was selling drugs, buying drugs, and doing drugs. Why would people say these things about me? Really, I have no idea!”

Armed with e-mail and instant messaging, a boy or a girl with malicious intent can tarnish your reputation without even speaking a word. All it takes is a few keystrokes to send a vicious rumor on its way to dozens of eager recipients! In some cases an entire Web site has been set up just to humiliate someone. More commonly, online blogs are glutted with gossip that would never be uttered in person.

But is talking about others always bad? Could there be such a thing as . . .

Good Gossip?

Mark the following statement true or false.

Gossip is always bad. □ True □ False

What’s the correct response? Really, it depends on how you define “gossip.” If the word merely means casual talk, there may be times when it’s appropriate. After all, the Bible tells us to “be interested in the lives of others.” (Philippians 2:4, New Century Version) Not that we should meddle in matters that don’t concern us. (1 Peter 4:15) But informal conversation often provides useful information, such as who’s getting married or who had a baby. Let’s face it​—we can’t say we care about others if we never talk about them!

Still, casual talk can easily turn into harmful gossip. For example, the innocent remark “Bob and Sue would make a good couple” might be repeated as “Bob and Sue are a couple”​—even though Bob and Sue know nothing of their supposed romance. ‘Not a serious problem,’ you might say​—unless, of course, you were Bob or Sue!

Julie, 18, was the victim of that kind of gossip, and it hurt. “It made me angry,” she says, “and it raised doubts in my mind about trusting others.” Jane, 19, was in a similar situation. “I ended up avoiding the boy I was supposedly dating,” she says, adding, “It didn’t seem fair, as we were friends, and I felt that we should be able to talk without rumors starting!”

Steer Your Conversations Carefully

How can you control your tongue when tempted to gossip? To answer that question, think of the skill that’s required to drive on a busy highway. Unexpectedly, a situation may arise that makes it necessary for you to change lanes, yield, or come to a complete stop. If you’re alert, you see what’s ahead and react accordingly.

It’s similar with conversation. You can usually tell when a discussion is veering into harmful gossip. When that happens, can you skillfully ‘change lanes’? If you don’t, be forewarned​—gossip can do damage. “I said something unkind about a girl​—that she was boy crazy—​and it got back to her,” relates Mike. “I’ll never forget her voice when she confronted me, how hurt she was over my thoughtless remark. We smoothed things over, but I didn’t feel good knowing that I had hurt someone in that way!”

There’s no doubt that words can hurt. Even the Bible acknowledges that “there exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword.” (Proverbs 12:18) That’s all the more reason to weigh your words before speaking! True, it may take self-control to put the brakes on a juicy discussion. Still, it’s as 17-year-old Carolyn points out: “You need to be careful of what you say. If you haven’t heard it from a reliable source, you could be spreading lies.” So when it comes to potentially harmful gossip, apply the apostle Paul’s advice to “make it your aim to live quietly and to mind your own business.”​—1 Thessalonians 4:11.

How can you show personal interest in others and still mind your own business? Before talking about someone, ask yourself: ‘Do I really know the facts? What’s my motive in relating this information? How will my gossiping affect my reputation?’ That last question is important, for being known as a gossip says more about your character than that of the person being talked about.

When You Are the Victim

What can you do if you’re the victim of gossip? “Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended,” warns Ecclesiastes 7:9. Instead, try to put the matter in perspective. The Bible says: “Do not give your heart to all the words that people may speak, . . . for your own heart well knows even many times that you, even you, have called down evil upon others.”​—Ecclesiastes 7:21, 22.

Of course, there’s no excuse for harmful gossip. Yet, overreacting may cast a more negative light on you than the actual gossip! Why not, then, adopt the view that helped Renee? “I’m usually hurt when someone says something bad about me, but I try to keep it in perspective,” she says. “I mean, next week they’ll probably be talking about someone or something else.”a

Have the good sense, then, to steer conversations away from harmful gossip. And when unkind talk involves you, have the maturity not to overreact. Let your good works speak for you. (1 Peter 2:12) If you do, you will help to preserve a good relationship with others and to maintain a good standing with God.

[Footnote]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“The one guarding his mouth is keeping his soul. The one opening wide his lips​—he will have ruin.”​—Proverbs 13:3.

TIP

If you hear gossip, you could respond by saying: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this. After all, she’s not here to defend herself.”

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Just listening to gossip can make you partially accountable for it. By giving the gossiper permission to go on, you allow the information to spread full speed ahead!

ACTION PLAN!

The next time I’m tempted to spread a rumor, I will ․․․․․

If unkind things have been said about me, I will deal with the situation by ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● When would it be appropriate to talk about the interests of others?

● Have you ever been the victim of gossip, and if so, what did you learn from the experience?

● How can spreading gossip about others damage your reputation?

[Blurb on page 107]

“I really learned my lesson when the person I gossiped about found out and confronted me. There was no way to sidestep the issue! I definitely learned that it’s better to be up front with someone than to be talking behind that person’s back!”​—Paula

[Picture on page 108]

Harmful gossip is like a dangerous weapon that can destroy another’s reputation

SECTION 3

My Journal​—Friendship Issues

Describe a recent friendship problem you’ve experienced.

․․․․․

In the light of what you’ve read in this section, how might you choose to handle this problem?

․․․․․