We All Need Friends

“A friend is someone you can talk to freely about anything, someone you can call any time of the day.”​—Yaël, France

“A friend understands when you’re hurt and feels the same things inside that you do.”​—Gaëlle, France

“THERE exists a friend sticking closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24) Since the time those words were written in the Bible some 3,000 years ago, human nature has not changed. Friendship is still as vital to the human spirit as food and water are to the human body. Yet, for many, satisfying this basic need for friendship is difficult. Loneliness is common. “We don’t have to look far to see some of the causes,” state Carin Rubenstein and Phillip Shaver in their book In Search of Intimacy. They cite such factors as “widespread mobility”​—people changing residence frequently—​“impersonal, crime-ridden cities,” and “the substitution of television and home videotape-viewing for face-to-face community life.”

Modern life also spreads our time and energy thin. “Today’s city dweller comes into contact with more people in a week than the seventeenth-century villager did in a year or even a lifetime,” writes Letty Pogrebin in her book Among Friends. With potentially hundreds of acquaintances crowding our lives, it can be difficult to focus on individuals long enough to develop and sustain deep friendships.

Even in places where not long ago the pace of life was less hectic, social conditions are changing rapidly. “We used to feel very, very close to our friends,” says Ulla, who lives in Eastern Europe. “But now many immerse themselves in their jobs or in personal pursuits. Everyone is busy all the time, and we sense our old friendships slowly coming apart.” In the haste of the times, friendships can get relegated to a lower priority.

But our need for friends remains acute. Young people in particular feel this need. As Yaël, quoted above, explains, “when you are young, you need to feel accepted and to belong, to feel close to someone.” Young or old, we all need happy and meaningful friendships. And despite the challenges, there is much we can do to make and keep real friends. The following articles will discuss this.

Satisfying Our Hunger for Friendship

“LONELINESS is not an illness,” states the book In Search of Intimacy. “Loneliness is a healthy hunger . . . , a natural sign that we are lacking companionship.” Just as hunger moves us to take in nourishing food, feelings of loneliness should move us to seek out good friends.

Yet, as Yaël, a young woman in France, observes, “some people avoid all contact with others.” But isolating ourselves, for whatever reason, solves nothing and inevitably makes us feel lonelier than ever. A Bible proverb says: “One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.” (Proverbs 18:1) So first we need to recognize our need for friendship and then resolve to do something about it.

Take Practical Steps Toward Friendship

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself or envying those who seem to have more or better friendships, why not adopt a positive attitude, as did Manuela, from Italy? She says: “Particularly as a teen, I felt that I was being left out. To overcome this, I studied people who had good friends. Then I tried to develop the good qualities they had, to make myself a more pleasant person.”

One practical step is to take care of yourself physically and otherwise. A healthful diet, proper rest, and adequate exercise all help you to look and feel your best. Being neat, clean, and well-groomed not only makes you more desirable to be around but also gives you a healthy measure of self-respect. However, do not fall into the trap of becoming overly concerned about outward appearances. “Wearing fashionable clothing doesn’t make any difference in finding real friends,” notes Gaëlle, from France. “What good people are looking for is the inner person.”

After all, our innermost thoughts and feelings affect what we talk about and even how we look. Do you have a confident outlook on life? This will help you to have a happy expression on your face. A genuine smile is the most attractive thing you can wear and, explains body-language expert Roger E. Axtell, “it is absolutely universal” and “is rarely misunderstood.”a Add to that a good sense of humor, and people will be naturally drawn to you.

Remember, such good qualities come from the inside. So actively fill your mind and heart with wholesome, positive thoughts and feelings. Read about interesting and meaningful subjects​—current events, different cultures, natural phenomena. Listen to uplifting music. But avoid passively allowing TV, movies, and novels to clog your mind and emotions with fantasy. The relationships usually portrayed on the screen are not real life, not real friendships, but the product of someone’s imagination.

Open Your Heart!

Zuleica, who lives in Italy, recalls: “When I was younger, I was shy, and I found it hard to make friends. But I knew that if we want to have friends, we have to take the initiative, make ourselves known, and get to know others.” Yes, to have real friends, we must open up to others​—let them get to know who we really are. Such communication and sharing are far more important to true friendship than having good looks and a charismatic personality. “People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking; but the one characteristic they always have in common is openness,” observes counselor Dr. Alan Loy McGinnis. “They have a certain transparency, allowing people to see what is in their hearts.”

This doesn’t mean wearing your heart on your sleeve or revealing your innermost secrets to people you don’t feel comfortable with. But it does mean selectively and progressively revealing your true thoughts and feelings to others. Michela, from Italy, says: “At first, I had the problem of concealing my feelings. I had to make changes, to try to manifest my feelings more, in order for my friends to understand what I was feeling and to feel closer to me.”

Even if you are naturally gregarious, however, it still takes time and shared experiences for mutual trust to develop between friends. In the meantime, try not to be overly anxious about what others may think of you. Elisa, in Italy, recalls: “My problem was that every time I wanted to say something, I was afraid it wasn’t going to come out right. Then I thought, ‘If people really are my friends, they will understand.’ So if something came out wrong, I just laughed at myself, and everyone laughed with me.”

Therefore, relax! Just be yourself. Putting on an act doesn’t help. “No one can be more attractive than by being his or her sincere, best self,” wrote family counselor F. Alexander Magoun. People who are truly happy don’t have to fake it or try to impress others. Only by being genuine can we enjoy genuine friendship. Likewise, we need to let others be themselves. Happy people accept others as they are, not fretting over minor foibles. They don’t feel the need to remake their friends to conform to their own preconceived ideas. Work to be that type of happy, noncritical person.

To Have a Friend, Be a Friend

There is an even more important factor​—the most fundamental one. Nearly 2,000 years ago, Jesus showed that the key to success in all human relations is unselfish love. He taught: “Just as you want men to do to you, do the same way to them.” (Luke 6:31) This teaching has come to be known as the Golden Rule. Yes, the only way to have real friends is to be an unselfish, giving friend yourself. In other words, to have a friend, be a friend. To be successful, friendship must be more about giving than about getting. We must be prepared to put our friend’s needs ahead of our own preferences and convenience.

Manuela, quoted previously, notes: “Just as Jesus said it would, true happiness comes from giving. The person receiving is happy, but the giver is even happier. We can give simply by sincerely asking how our friends are, by trying to understand their problems, and by doing all we can without waiting for them to ask.” So reach out to others, including the friends you already have. Strengthen your relationships. Do not sacrifice friendship for less-noble and less-fulfilling pursuits. Friends deserve time and attention. Ruben, in Italy, comments: “Taking time is fundamental to finding and keeping friends. First of all, it takes time to be a good listener. We can all improve in listening and in showing our interest in what others say by not interrupting.”

Show Respect for Others

Another key element of happy, long-term friendships is mutual respect. This includes showing consideration for others’ feelings. You want your friends to be tactful and discreet when their tastes or opinions differ from yours, don’t you? Shouldn’t you treat them the same?​—Romans 12:10.

Another way we show respect is by not smothering our friends. Real friendship is neither jealous nor possessive. At 1 Corinthians 13:4, the Bible states: “Love is not jealous.” So guard against the tendency to want your friends all to yourself. If they confide in others, do not take offense and perhaps even shun them. Learn that we all need to widen out in our friendships. Allow your friends to develop other friendships too.

Consider also your friends’ need for privacy. Individuals, as well as married couples, need time for themselves. While you should not hesitate to reach out to others, be balanced and thoughtful, and do not wear out your welcome with your friends. The Bible cautions: “Make your foot rare at the house of your fellowman, that he may not have his sufficiency of you.”​—Proverbs 25:17.

Do Not Demand Perfection

Of course, when people get to know each other, they become more aware of the other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. Still, we should not let this hold us back from making friends. “Some expect a bit too much from potential friends,” comments Pacôme, in France. “They want them to have only good qualities, but that’s not possible.” Not one of us has perfection to offer, and we do not have the right to demand it of others. We hope our friends will accept us despite our imperfections and make allowances for us. Shouldn’t we try to overlook our friends’ shortcomings too, by not imagining or overemphasizing them? Author Dennis Prager reminds us: “Flawless friends (i.e., those who never complain, are always loving, never have moods, are fixated on us, and never disappoint us) are known as pets.” If we don’t want to end up with pets as our closest friends, we need to heed the apostle Peter’s advice to let ‘love cover a multitude of sins.’​—1 Peter 4:8.

It has been said that friendship doubles our joys and halves our sorrows. However, to be realistic, we cannot expect our friends to fill all our needs or solve all our problems. That is a selfish view of friendship.

Loyal Friends Through Thick and Thin

Once we have made a friend, we should never take his or her friendship for granted. When separated by time and distance, friends think about each other, pray for each other. Even if they can get together only rarely, they can quickly catch up on each other’s lives. Especially in times of difficulty or need, it is vital to be there for our friends. For the most part, we must not withdraw when friends have problems. That may be when they need us most. “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” (Proverbs 17:17) And when true friends have misunderstandings, they are quick to make amends and forgive each other. Real friends do not abandon their friends just because the road gets bumpy.

By having unselfish motives and by approaching others with a positive attitude, you can gain friends. But the kind of friends you have is also important. How can you select good friends? The next article will discuss that question.

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Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends”?

Can men and women who are not married to each other be friends? That depends on what we mean by the word “friend.” Jesus was a close friend of Mary and Martha of Bethany​—both single women. (John 11:1, 5) The apostle Paul was a friend of Priscilla and her husband, Aquila. (Acts 18:2, 3) We can be sure that these individuals shared warm affection. At the same time, we cannot imagine that either Jesus or Paul ever allowed these relationships to drift in the direction of romance.

Modern society thrusts men and women into each other’s worlds more than ever before, and it is becoming increasingly necessary for people of both genders to know how to have appropriate, friendly relationships with each other. Couples too benefit from wholesome friendships with other couples and with single people.

“Distinguishing between romantic, sexual and friendly feelings, however, can be exceedingly difficult,” cautions Psychology Today magazine. “The reality that sexual attraction could suddenly enter the equation of a cross-sex friendship uninvited is always lurking in the background. A simple, platonic hug could instantaneously take on a more amorous meaning.”

For married couples, being realistic and practical is especially important. “All forms of intimacy with others can threaten a marriage,” writes author Dennis Prager in his book Happiness Is a Serious Problem. “It is not sex alone that makes for an intimate relationship, and your spouse has the right to expect to be your one truly intimate friend of the opposite sex.” Jesus pointed out that maintaining moral chastity is a matter of the heart. (Matthew 5:28) Therefore, be friendly, but guard your heart and scrupulously avoid situations that could lead to improper thoughts, feelings, or actions toward anyone of the opposite sex.

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Caring for your body and mind makes you more attractive

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Friends open up to each other

Good Friends​—Bad Friends

A YOUNG woman we will call Sarah poured out her heart in distress. A man she had thought of as a friend turned out to be a murderer. ‘If someone I trusted could do such a thing, how can I trust anyone?’ she asked. Her listener asked Sarah if she had known what kind of values the man had. She responded, “What do you mean?” Sarah didn’t even know what was meant by “values.” What about you? Do you know what your friends’ values are?

The answer to that question can literally mean life or death, as Sarah’s experience bears out. One Bible proverb puts it this way: “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.” (Proverbs 13:20) Yet, like Sarah, many people select friends merely on the basis of whether they “hit it off” or not​—how they feel when they are around them. Naturally, we like to be with people who make us feel good. But if that is the only criterion for our choice, with little or no thought given to a person’s real inward qualities, we may be headed for great disappointment. How can you know whether a person has good values?

The Need for High Moral Values

To begin with, we must have our own good values. We need to know what is right and wrong, good and bad, and hold firmly to high moral principles all the time. Another Bible proverb states: “By iron, iron itself is sharpened. So one man sharpens the face of another.” (Proverbs 27:17) When two people bring ironlike moral strength to a friendship, they can help each other to grow, and the bonds of friendship between them will be stronger.

Pacôme, from France, says, “For me, a true friend is one who listens to me and speaks kindly to me but who is also capable of reprimanding me when I do something stupid.” Yes, our best friends​—whether they are young or old—​are those who help us to stay headed in the right direction and who correct us when we are about to do unwise things. The Bible says: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” (Proverbs 27:6, King James Version) To strengthen ourselves morally and spiritually, we need to associate with others who have love for God and his principles. “When there was no one else in my school who shared my Christian values and beliefs,” recalls Céline, from France, “I learned the importance of having real friends in the Christian congregation. They have helped me tremendously to keep my balance.”

Sizing Up Potential Friends

If you are interested in making friends with someone you have met, you might want to ask yourself, ‘Who are his or her friends?’ The type of close associates someone has tells much about the person himself. Also, what opinion do mature and respectable people in the community have of him? In addition, it is wise to consider not only how potential friends treat us but also how they treat others, particularly those from whom they have nothing to gain. Unless a person displays good qualities​—such as honesty, integrity, patience, and consideration—​at all times and to all people, what guarantee is there that he will always treat you well?

Getting to know someone’s true character requires patience and skill, as well as time to observe the person in real life. The Bible states: “Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.” (Proverbs 20:5) We need to talk to potential friends about serious subjects​—those that reveal their true personality, motivations and, yes, values. What sort of people are they? Are they kind or cold? Basically positive and cheerful or negative and cynical? Unselfish or self-serving? Trustworthy or disloyal? If a person talks critically about others to you, what will prevent him from talking negatively about you behind your back? “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” said Jesus. (Matthew 12:34) When it does, we should listen.

The Most Important Things to Have in Common

Some think that their friends must have exactly the same tastes as they do. One little boy asserted, “I could never be friends with someone who doesn’t like cheesecake.” It is true that friends need to have enough in common to be able to understand each other, and it is best if they share the same basic moral and spiritual values. But they do not have to be identical in personality and background. In fact, differences in life experience can bring richness and mutual benefit to a friendship.

Two timeless examples of friendship in the Bible​—that of Jonathan and David and of Ruth and Naomi—​were based on a shared devotion to God and to his principles.a Significantly, in both cases the friendship transcended great differences in age and background. They thus teach us something else about friendship: Young ones and older ones have much to offer one another as friends.

Benefiting From Differences in Age

Having friends who are older or younger than we are can be mutually enriching. Consider the following expressions from young people based on their personal experiences.

Manuela (Italy): “I made friends with an adult couple a while ago. I opened up to them, and what makes me happy is that they also opened up to me. They didn’t underestimate me just because I was young. This moved me to draw close to them. Their friendship is very helpful when I experience problems. I find that when I discuss my problems with people my own age, at times my girlfriends give me advice that isn’t well thought out. But my older friends have experience, discernment, and a certain balance that we young ones have not yet acquired. With their help I manage to make better decisions.”

Zuleica (Italy): “At gatherings we include not only young ones but also some who are older than we are. Personally, I have noticed that when older and younger ones get together, we all feel really encouraged at the end of the evening. We enjoy ourselves because everyone sees things differently.”

Older ones, you too can reach out to younger ones. As shown by the foregoing comments, many younger ones greatly appreciate your depth of experience and enjoy your company. Amelia, a widow in her 80’s, says: “I take the initiative to keep in touch with the younger ones. Their energy and vitality uplift my spirits!” The good results of such mutual encouragement can be far-reaching. Many happy young adults give much of the credit for their success to friends of their youth who were at least a little older and who served as good examples and gave them good advice.

Improving Your Friendships

To have good friendships, you don’t necessarily have to make new friends. If you already have worthy companions, why not see what you can do to strengthen your friendship with them? Longtime friends are a particularly precious treasure, and we should treat them as such. Never take their loyalty for granted.

Above all, remember that true happiness​—and true friendship—​come from giving of yourself, your time, and your resources. The rewards are more than worth the effort and sacrifices involved. However, if you think only of yourself when choosing friends, you will never succeed. So when considering potential friends, do not restrict yourself to those you look up to or those from whom you can gain something. Reach out to those whom others might overlook or who may have difficulty making friends themselves. Gaëlle, from France, says: “When we are getting a group together to do something and we know of young people who are lonely, we invite them along. We say: ‘You don’t want to stay home all by yourself. You can come with us. Let’s get to know one another.’”​—Luke 14:12-14.

On the other hand, when good people extend friendship, do not be quick to refuse it. Elisa, in Italy, notes: “Perhaps a bit of resentment can well up inside you when you feel you have been left out in the past. You may start thinking, ‘After all, friendships are not so important to me.’ So you close up, solitude sets in, and you just think about yourself. Instead of looking for friends, you create a barrier.” Rather than letting unfounded fears or selfish interest cause you to avoid making new friends, open up to others. We have reason to be deeply grateful when people care enough about us to want to be our friends.

You Can Have True Friends

It takes more than wishing, waiting, and reading articles like these to have true friends. Learning to make friends is like learning to ride a bicycle. We cannot learn either skill entirely from books. We have to get out and practice, even if it means falling down a few times. The Bible shows that the firmest relationships are deeply rooted in shared friendship with God. But God cannot bless our efforts to make friends if we do not make those efforts. Are you determined to have real friends? Do not give up! Pray for God’s help, reach out unselfishly, and be a friend.

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A Note to Parents

Like so many other lessons, learning about friendship begins at home. Ideally, family life will supply most of a very young child’s needs for companionship. Even under such circumstances, a child’s thinking, feelings, and behavior are powerfully affected by his contact with others. Consider, for example, how quickly many young children of immigrants learn to speak a new language only through contact with other children.

As parents, you have the privilege of helping your children choose friends wisely. Young children and adolescents are not yet fully equipped to make such judgments without parental guidance. However, there is a problem. Many young people feel closer to fellow young ones than to their parents or to any older ones.

One factor that turns teens to their peers rather than to their parents, some experts believe, is that many parents doubt their own moral authority. Parents must shoulder their God-given responsibility to reach out to and stay involved with their children. (Ephesians 6:1-4) But how? Family therapist Dr. Ron Taffel meets many parents who are at a loss as to how to deal with their adolescent children. He writes that many “succumb to a series of media-hyped child-rearing fads” instead of actually parenting their children. Why do they resort to this? “They don’t know their own children well enough to relate directly to them.”

It doesn’t have to be that way. Parents must understand that children will look to their friends if they are not getting what they need at home. And what is that? “They need what young people have always needed: nurture, appreciation, security, clarity in rules and expectations and a sense of belonging,” says Taffel. “The tragedy of our times is that most adolescents do not get these basic needs met by adults and do not feel truly ‘at home’ within their own families.”

How can you help your children in regard to friendship? The first step is to consider your own way of life and friendships. Are the goals and life-style you and your friends pursue noble and unselfish? Spiritual and not materialistic? “Actions speak louder than words, and your children are bound to pick up the attitudes and actions they observe in you, your friends, and your friends’ children,” notes Douglas, a Christian elder and father.

Even many animals instinctively and often ferociously protect their young from other dangerous creatures. An expert on bears reports: “Mother bears are legendary for protecting their cubs from all perceived threats.” Should human parents do any less? Ruben, from Italy, says: “My parents reasoned with me from the Scriptures. They helped me to understand that it was better to avoid certain kinds of company. My first reaction was: ‘Look at that! I can’t have any friends at all!’ But time has proved them right, and thanks to their patience, I was protected.”

Also, actively bring your children into contact with people who are good examples and who will help them to set good goals for themselves. A successful and happy young man named Francis remembers: “My mother noticed that we young ones were keeping to ourselves, so she helped us by inviting friends over who were very active in the full-time Christian ministry. In that way we got to know them and to make friends with them, right in our own home.” Through such efforts on your part, your children’s homelife can become a fertile seedbed in which good friendships germinate and grow.

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Take note of how potential friends behave

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Unselfish friendships thrive despite differences in age and background