Communication Crisis

What communication errors can be avoided in order to forge a stronger marital relationship? Some couples get into a rut of hearing without listening and speaking without communicating. Warm and affectionate interaction is replaced by curt, cold routine. Purposeful, open dialogue tends to be overwhelmed by incessant arguments about anything, everything, and nothing. Misinterpretation generates misunderstandings; verbal attacks are countered with icy silence.

Sadly, many marriage mates either fail to notice their spouse’s positive behavior or notice it but fail to express their appreciation. In addition, in the present work climate, many married women become resentful because they are left to do most of the work at home in addition to holding down a secular job. Moreover, many wives feel that their emotional needs are being ignored.

▸ Speak respectfully. “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” (Proverbs 12:18) Researchers have found that most conversations end the way they start. Hence, if a conversation starts respectfully, it is more likely to end that way. Conversely, you know how hurtful it can be when a loved one speaks thoughtlessly to you. Therefore, make a prayerful effort yourself to speak with dignity, respect, and affection. (Ephesians 4:31) “Even though we see each other’s weaknesses,” explains a Japanese wife named Haruko,b married for 44 years, “we try to respect each other in word and attitude. That has helped us build a successful marriage.”

▸ Cultivate kindness and compassion. “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate.” (Ephesians 4:32) When there are strong disagreements, it is easy for anger to beget anger. In Germany, Annette, married happily for 34 years, admits: “It is not easy to keep calm under stress​—you tend to say things that upset your partner, which only makes things worse.” By striving to be kind and compassionate, however, you can do much to help smooth the road to a peaceful marriage.

▸ Show humility. “[Do] nothing out of contentiousness or out of egotism, but with lowliness of mind considering that the others are superior.” (Philippians 2:3) Many conflicts arise because marriage mates pridefully try to blame their partners for problems instead of humbly seeking ways to make things better for each other. Lowliness of mind, or humility, can help you suppress the urge to insist on being right in a disagreement.

▸ Do not hastily take offense. “Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Try to avoid the inclination to refute your mate’s viewpoint or to leap to your own defense if your mate questions something you have said or done. Instead, listen to and acknowledge your mate’s expressions. Think carefully before making a reply. Many couples learn too late in life that winning a heart is a greater victory than winning an argument.

▸ Know when to keep quiet. “Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) Good communication is without a doubt one of the most important signposts on the road to marital happiness. Why, then, does the Bible say that there is “a time to keep quiet”? (Ecclesiastes 3:7) This can be a time to do active, purposeful listening​—a vital part of communication that involves finding out what your marriage mate really feels and why he or she feels that way.

▸ Listen with empathy. “Rejoice with people who rejoice; weep with people who weep.” (Romans 12:15) Empathy is indispensable to purposeful communication because it enables you to feel your spouse’s deepest emotions. It can help create an atmosphere in which each one’s opinions and feelings are treated with respect and dignity. “When we talk about our problems,” confides Nella in Brazil, married for 32 years, “I always listen very carefully so I can understand Manuel’s thoughts and feelings.” When your spouse is speaking, it is your “time to keep quiet” and to listen with empathy.

▸ Make a habit of expressing appreciation. “Show yourselves thankful.” (Colossians 3:15) Strong marriages are characterized by husbands and wives who make sure their spouse feels appreciated. However, in the day-to-day routine of married life, some marriage mates neglect this vital aspect of communication and merely assume that their spouse feels valued. “Most couples,” states Dr. Ellen Wachtel, “could give each other that feeling of appreciation if they simply thought to do so.”

Wives in particular need their husband’s loving reassurance and expressions of appreciation. You husbands can do much to improve the health of your marriage and the well-being of your wife, as well as yourself, by making a point of commenting appreciatively on your wife’s positive actions and qualities.

Both verbal and nonverbal reassurances are essential. When you husbands give your wife a gentle kiss, a kind touch, and a warm smile, it says more than just “I love you.” It reassures her that she is special to you and that you need her. Give her a phone call or an electronic message and tell her, “I’m missing you” or “How is your day going?” If since your courting days, you have begun to neglect making such expressions, it is a practice well worth reviving. Continue to learn what touches your spouse’s heart.

The words of the mother of King Lemuel of ancient Israel are so appropriate: “Her husband praises her, ‘Many women have done well, but you surpass them all.’” (Proverbs 31:1, 28, 29, Tanakh​—The Holy Scriptures) When was the last time you praised your wife? Or, wife, you your husband?

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When You Need to Discuss a Problem

◼ Schedule a time when neither of you is tired.

◼ Avoid criticizing; be positive toward each other.

◼ Avoid interrupting; take turns listening and talking.

◼ Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings.

◼ Express empathy for each other, even when you disagree.

◼ Be reasonable and flexible.

◼ Humbly apologize when you are mistaken.

◼ Express appreciation and affection.