Families​—Draw Close Before It’s Too Late

“Family is the oldest human institution. In many ways it is the most important. It is society’s most basic unit. Entire civilizations have survived or disappeared, depending on whether family life was strong or weak.”​—The World Book Encyclopedia (1973 Edition).

THE family unit is an umbrella of protection for children. In many places today, that umbrella is full of holes; in many other places, it’s being closed and stuck in the closet. The traditional family is frequently sidetracked as outmoded. Television comedies often portray fathers as ninnies, mothers as smarter, but children know best.

Marital infidelity is commonplace. In some industrialized countries, one of every two first marriages ends in divorce. As divorces escalate, single families proliferate. In increasing numbers, two become one without benefit of marriage. Homosexuals seek to dignify their relation with marital vows. Sex, normal and abnormal, takes center stage in movies and videos. Schools view chastity as impractical and pass out condoms to make fornication safe​—which they don’t. Sexually transmitted diseases and teenage pregnancies skyrocket. Babies are the victims​—if they are allowed to come to birth. With the demise of the traditional family, children are the primary losers.

Years ago, Nobel prize winner Alexis Carrel, in his book Man, the Unknown, sounded this warning: “Modern society has committed a serious mistake by entirely substituting the school for the familial training. The mothers abandon their children to the kindergarten [sooner now, with day care and preschool] in order to attend to their careers, their social ambitions, their sexual pleasures, their literary or artistic fancies, or simply to play bridge, go to the cinema, and waste their time in busy idleness. They are, thus, responsible for the disappearance of the familial group where the child was kept in contact with adults and learned a great deal from them. . . . In order to reach his full strength, the individual requires the relative isolation and the attention of the restricted social group consisting of the family.”​—Page 176.

More recently, comedian Steve Allen commented on television’s assault on the family, with its preoccupation with foul language and sexual immorality. He said: “The flow is carrying us all along right into the sewer. The very sort of language parents forbid their children to use is now being encouraged not only by anything-goes cable entrepreneurs, but the once high-minded networks. Shows that depict children and others using vulgar language only point up the collapse of the American family.”

What legacy is society now leaving to its children? Read the papers, watch television, note the videos, tune in the evening news, listen to the rap music, see the adult examples everywhere around you. Children are glutted on mental and emotional junk food. “If you want to destroy a country,” former British education secretary Sir Keith Joseph said, “you debauch its currency.” And he added: “The way to destroy a society is to debauch the children.” “Debauch,” according to Webster’s, means “to lead away from virtue or excellence.” That is being done with a vengeance today. Much is said about juvenile delinquency; more should be said about adult delinquency.

They Will Come Back to Haunt Us

Geneva B. Johnson, president and chief executive officer of Family Service America, said in a lecture delivered earlier this year: “The family is deeply, perhaps fatally, ill.” Calling it a “grim picture for many of our children,” she then said forebodingly: “The willingness of the nation to relegate so many of our poorly housed, poorly fed, poorly treated medically, and poorly educated children to the role of outcasts in a rich society is going to come back to haunt us.” It is already coming back to haunt us. You can read about it in the newspapers, hear about it on the newscasts, and see it on your television set. Here is a small sampling:

Judonne pulls out a gun and shoots Jermaine three times in the chest. Jermaine is dead; he was 15. Judonne is 14. They had been best friends. They argued over a girl.

One hundred people gather at the funeral of 16-year-old Michael Hilliard. He was shot in the back of the head as he walked away from an argument at a basketball game.

In Brooklyn, New York, three teenagers set fire to a homeless couple. When rubbing alcohol didn’t work, they tried gasoline. It worked.

In Florida a five-year-old pushed a toddler to his death from a fifth-floor stairwell.

In Texas a ten-year-old took a gun and shot his playmate and stuffed his body under the house.

In Georgia a 15-year-old boy stabbed his principal while being disciplined.

In New York City, a gang in their late teens and early 20’s, armed with bats, pipes, axes, knives, and a meat cleaver, went “wilding” near a settlement of homeless men, injuring many and leaving one with his throat slashed. Motive? One investigator explained: “They were getting their jollies attacking the homeless.”

In Detroit, Michigan, an 11-year-old boy joined a 15-year-old in raping a 2-year-old girl. They allegedly left their victim in a garbage Dumpster.

In Cleveland, Ohio, four boys ages six to nine raped a nine-year-old girl at an elementary school. Commenting on this, columnist Brent Larkin, writing in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, said: “It speaks volumes about what’s happening in this country, about how our value systems are headed straight for the sewer.”

Dr. Leslie Fisher, a professor of psychology at Cleveland State University, blamed television. He called it “a big sex machine,” and “kids 8 and 9 years old are watching these things.” He also blamed parents for the deterioration of the American family: “Mommy and daddy are too involved in their own problems and can’t take the time to tend their children.”

Garbage In, Garbage Out

Various elements in society, especially the media, entertainers, and the entertainment industry​—elements that profit by pandering to the worst in humanity—​disgorge sex and violence and corruption and thereby contribute heavily to the degradation of the young and the family. So the rule goes into operation: Sow rot, reap rot. Garbage in, garbage out. The chickens are coming home to roost​—and the homecoming is horrendous.

Is society breeding a generation of children without conscience? The question was raised after the notorious “wilding” spree in New York’s Central Park where a 28-year-old woman was beaten and raped and left for dead by a roving gang of teenagers. Police said they were “smug and remorseless” and when arrested “joked and rapped and sang.” They gave reasons for doing it: “It was fun,” “We were bored,” “It was something to do.” Time magazine called them “psychic amputees” who had “lost, perhaps never developed, that psychic appendage we call conscience.”

U.S.News & World Report urged: “This nation must act to avoid another generation of the children without conscience.” Dr. Ken Magid, a prominent psychologist, and Carole McKelvey highlight that very danger in their explosive book High Risk: Children Without a Conscience. Case histories and testimony from many psychologists and psychiatrists give overwhelming support to Magid’s contention: The root cause is a failure of strong bonding between parent and child at birth and in the formative years that follow.

Surely, families must draw close during those formative years before it’s too late!

Love at First Sight​—And Forever After!

“IF YOU watch babies after they are born,” notes Dr. Cecilia McCarton, of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, “they are exquisitely awake and tuned into their environment. They are responsive to their mothers. They turn toward sounds. And they fixate on their mother’s face.” And the mother makes eye contact with her baby. It’s love at first sight​—for both of them!

This moment of bonding between mother and baby happens naturally if the birth is natural, without drugs that dull the senses of mother and baby. His cries stimulate her production of milk. The touch of his skin against hers releases a hormone that reduces her postdelivery bleeding. The child is born with brain programs to ensure attachment​—crying, sucking, babblings and gurglings, smiling and ecstatic kickings to entice mother’s attentions. Attachment, to the mother primarily, makes it possible for the infant to develop a sense of love and caring and trust. The father quickly becomes important as an attachment figure. His relations lack the intimacy of the mother’s but add an important dimension: poking, tickling, gentle roughhousing, which the baby responds to with excited laughter and wigglings.

Dr. Richard Restak reports that for the newborn to be held and cuddled is like a nutrient. “Touch,” he says, “is as necessary to normal infant development as food and oxygen. Mother opens her arms to the infant, snuggles him, and a host of psychobiological processes are brought into harmony.” Under this treatment even the physical brain develops “a different physiognomy of bumps and crevices.”

Guard Against Detachment

Some have indicated that if this attachment between mother and baby does not take place at the time of birth, tragedy lies ahead. Not so. With loving mothering there are hundreds of intimate moments in the weeks that follow that make bonding secure. Denial of such intimacies over a longer period of time, however, can lead to dire consequences. “Although we all need one another throughout our lives,” Dr. Restak tells us, “that needing is most acute in the first year. Deprive a baby of light, the opportunity to gaze at a human face, the delight of being picked up, cuddled, cooed at, fussed over, touched​—and the infant doesn’t abide such deprivations.”

Babies cry for many reasons. Usually they want attention. If their cries are not responded to after a time, they may stop. They feel that their care-giver is not responding. They cry again. If still no response, they feel neglected, insecure. They try harder. If this goes on for a longer time and if it is repeated frequently, the baby feels abandoned. It is first angry, even enraged, and finally it gives up. Detachment occurs. Not receiving love, it does not learn to love. Conscience is undeveloped. It trusts no one, cares for no one. It becomes a problem child and, in extreme cases, a psychopathic personality incapable of feeling remorse for criminal acts.

Love at first sight is not the end of it. It must continue forever after. Not just in words but also in deeds. “Let us love, neither in word nor with the tongue, but in deed and truth.” (1 John 3:18) Lots of hugs and kisses. Early on, before it’s too late, teach and instruct in the true values of God’s Word, the Bible. Then it will be with your children as it was with Timothy: “From infancy you have known the holy writings, which are able to make you wise.” (2 Timothy 3:15) Daily spend time with them, throughout childhood and the teen years. “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.”​—Deuteronomy 6:6, 7.

‘We May Cry, but It’s for the Best’

Discipline is a touchy subject for many. When properly administered, however, it is an essential part of parental love. One little girl recognized this. She made a card for her mother, addressed “To Ma, To a Nice Lady.” It was decorated with crayon drawings of a golden sun, flying birds, and red flowers. The card read: “This is for you because we all love you. We want to show our appreciation by making a card. When we have low marks you sign our paper. When we’re bad you smack us. We may cry, but we know it’s for the best. . . . All I want to say is that I love you very, very much. Thanks for all you do for me. Love and kisses. [Signed] Michele.”

Michele agrees with Proverbs 13:24: “The one holding back his rod is hating his son, but the one loving him is he that does look for him with discipline.” Use of the rod, representing authority, may involve a spanking, but many times it does not. Different children, different misbehaviors, call for different disciplining. A rebuke kindly given may suffice; stubbornness may require stronger medicine: “A rebuke works deeper in one having understanding than striking a stupid one a hundred times.” (Proverbs 17:10) Also applicable: “A servant [or, a child] will not let himself be corrected by mere words, for he understands but he is paying no heed.”​—Proverbs 29:19.

In the Bible the word “discipline” means to instruct, train, chasten​—including spanking if it takes that to correct behavior. Hebrews 12:11 shows its purpose: “True, no discipline seems for the present to be joyous, but grievous; yet afterward to those who have been trained by it it yields peaceable fruit, namely, righteousness.” Parents are not to be overly harsh in their disciplining: “You fathers, do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.” (Colossians 3:21) Neither are they to be overly permissive: “The rod and reproof are what give wisdom; but a boy let on the loose will be causing his mother shame.” (Proverbs 29:15) Permissiveness says, ‘Do as you like; don’t bother me.’ Discipline says, ‘Do what is right; I care about you.’

U.S.News & World Report, August 7, 1989, rightly said: “Parents who are not harshly punitive, but who set firm boundaries and stick to them, are significantly more likely to produce children who are high achievers and who get along well with others.” In its conclusion the article stated: “Perhaps the most striking theme to emerge from all the scientific data is that establishing a pattern of love and trust and acceptable limits within each family is what really counts, and not lots of technical details. The true aim of discipline, a word that has the same Latin root as disciple, is not to punish unruly children but to teach and guide them and help instill inner controls.”

They Hear What You Say, They Copy What You Do

An article on discipline in The Atlantic Monthly was introduced with this statement: “A child can be expected to behave well only if his parents live by the values they teach.” The article proceeded to show the value of inner controls: “Teenagers who behaved well tended to have parents who were themselves responsible, upright, and self-disciplined​—who lived in accord with the values they professed and encouraged their children to follow suit. When the good teenagers were exposed, as a part of the investigation, to problem teenagers, their behavior was not permanently affected. They had far too securely internalized their parents’ values.” It proved to be as the proverb says: “Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”​—Proverbs 22:6.

Parents who tried to instill true values in their children, but which they themselves did not follow, had no success. Their children “had not been able to internalize those values.” The study proved that “what made the difference was how closely the parents lived by the values that they tried to teach their children.”

It proves to be as author James Baldwin said: “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” If you love your children and you want to teach them the true values, use the best method of all: You be the example of your own teachings. Do not be like the scribes and the Pharisees that Jesus condemned as hypocrites: “Therefore all the things they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds, for they say but do not perform.” (Matthew 23:3) Or like the ones the apostle Paul questioned accusingly: “Do you, however, the one teaching someone else, not teach yourself? You, the one preaching ‘Do not steal,’ do you steal?”​—Romans 2:21.

Today many dismiss the Bible as outmoded and its guidelines as impractical. Jesus challenges that position with these words: “All the same, wisdom is proved righteous by all its children.” (Luke 7:35) The following accounts by families from many countries prove his words true.

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A close bond with the mother helps the baby to develop emotionally

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Father’s time with the child is also vital

Raising Families Worldwide​—Parenting With Love, Discipline, Example, and Spiritual Values

PARENTS from several countries have sent in reports on their successful rearing of children from babyhood through the teen years. All of them are Jehovah’s Witnesses, and therefore their reports stress the need for attention in the four areas listed in the title above. The excerpts reproduced here reflect only a few different aspects of the family training they followed.

From Hawaii

“As the Bible tells us, love is the ‘greatest’ quality. Love in all its precious facets must radiate throughout the home and family. Carol and I have shared this divine quality in our marriage. We are close. We like to be together. I cannot overemphasize my belief that the major key to successful child-rearing is a happily married couple.

“I remember to this day the powerful feelings that welled up in my heart during the days and weeks after our first child was born. There was wonder over the beginning of a new living creature. I remember seeing Carol so happy and contented while nursing baby Rachel. I was happy for her, but I also felt a little resentment, a tinge of jealousy. Carol was bonding with Rachel, but where was I? I felt as if I had been pushed​—ever so gently but nevertheless pushed—​outside our family center. With Jehovah’s help I was able to express my feelings and concern to Carol, and she showed me much sympathy and support.

“Thereafter I was able to get closer to our new baby by helping with all the baby chores, including some of the disagreeable ones​—washing a soiled diaper is a unique experience, to say the least! We’ve had five more children after Rachel. Rebecca is the last one, now eight years old. We’ve conducted personal, individual Bible studies with each one of our children.

“One more thing about the early child-rearing. Carol and I enjoyed talking with our babies from the time they were born. We talked about all manner of things. Sometimes we talked about Jehovah and his beautiful, wondrous works. Sometimes we talked about silly, playful, funny things. Of course, we were trying to teach them something, but more than that we were just having a pleasant, relaxed, innocent time together. I believe such talks contributed a great deal to parent-child bonding. No doubt they helped to create the good communication that we have had in our family.

“Jehovah has taught us the greater value of spiritual things, of giving of ourselves. Carol and I have never had an abundance of material things, but we’ve never really sought them or missed them. If we had spent more of our time slaving for riches, we would not have had enough time to devote to Jehovah and our family. We made the right choice.” (Carol’s comments follow.)

“I think nursing your babies helps greatly in the bonding of babies to their mothers. You spend so much time cuddling and carrying your baby that you can’t help getting close. The mother can never leave the baby’s side for more than two to four hours. Ed and I have always been very strict about not leaving our children with sitters. I always wanted to be able to teach my babies and watch them as they grew up. So during the time that they were little, I did not hold an outside job. I think this helped them realize how important they were to us. The main way to get close to your children is to spend time with them. Nothing takes the place of your being there physically. All the material things will not take the place of you.

“The teen years were difficult only because I had to adjust to the babies’ growing up. It was very hard to take, to realize that they didn’t need me as much and were becoming independent. It is a scary time, and it tests all your work of teaching, disciplining, and molding that you have done. It is really too late to start when they are teenagers. Too late to try then to teach them morals, a love for mankind, and especially a love for Jehovah. These things must be inculcated from birth on.

“You have 12 years to get your work done before those critical teen years. But if you have worked hard to apply Bible principles, it is time to reap joy and peace when they decide they want to serve Jehovah from the heart.”​—Edward and Carol Owens.

From Zimbabwe

“Children are ‘an inheritance from Jehovah.’ So says the Bible at Psalm 127:3. Bearing this in mind has helped us as parents to do all we could in caring for this inheritance. One of the primary efforts in our family was to do things together​—pray together, study the Bible together, worship together, work together, visit friends together, play together.

“Discipline was needed at times. One time our son, in his early teens, was late getting home. We were worried. He was evasive. We sensed that something was wrong, but we decided to shelve the matter until the next morning. Around midnight we heard a knock on our bedroom door. It was our son, with tears in his eyes.

“‘Father, Mother, I have not been able to sleep for the last four hours, all because I did not listen when you counseled me from the Bible about bad association. After school today some of the kids pressured me into going swimming with them, and one of the boys pulled me under the water. If another boy had not helped me, I would have drowned. They laughed at me and called me a coward. I came straight home, but I stayed outside the house because I felt guilty. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you when you warned me about bad associations, as shown in the Bible.’​—1 Corinthians 15:33.

“He wept and so did we. We were pleased that he had learned a lesson, but we disciplined him to make a deeper impression. Exodus 34:6, 7 shows that Jehovah is merciful and pardons error, but still ‘by no means will he give exemption from punishment.’”​—David and Betty Mupfururirwa.

From Brazil

“I am a widow and have to raise my boy by myself. At the same time, I work as a teacher. It is not easy to instruct and discipline children. What is needed is coherent instruction, balanced discipline, and a good example on the part of the parents. It was hard for me to be firm and at the same time sympathetic. I had to develop the art of listening, especially listening with my heart. It is important to communicate, not just talk, but get the child involved, make him respond emotionally. I tried to make him feel a part of the family by getting him involved in the family budget. When the light bill or the water bill arrived, or the price of clothes or shoes went up, we discussed these matters together.

“It is important to commend with sincerity for things well done. As opportunities arose, I would show him the value of following God’s laws and principles. On one occasion, after having counseled him several times, I had to use the literal rod. How difficult it was for me, but, oh, what blessed results! In the adolescent phase we have our ups and downs, but we can see the value of instruction and discipline. He tells me his personal problems and expresses his sentiments.

“I have to stay alert to maintain good communication. So I try not to get too involved in my secular work in order always to have time for my son. When we do have problems, I try to listen very attentively, and with the help of Jehovah, we overcome them. I let him know that I make my share of mistakes. On one occasion I was very angry, and I told him to ‘shut his mouth.’ He told me that to tell someone to ‘shut his mouth’ showed a lack of love. He had a point. That afternoon we had a real long talk.”​—Yolanda Moraes.

From Republic of Korea

“I eagerly applied Bible principles in my family life. Especially Deuteronomy 6:6-9 was deep in my heart. So I tried to be with my children as much as I could, to draw close to them, to inculcate the principles of God’s Word in their minds and hearts. I also invited full-time missionaries and Bethel family members to our home to give my children a feel for full-time service.

“The first thing parents should do when children cause problems is to display the fruits of the spirit. It is easy to get upset at the children and to lose one’s temper. We parents, however, must be patient and show exemplary conduct. It is important to respect children and give them the opportunity to explain the situation. If there is no clear evidence of wrongdoing, then trust them and always build them up. When you have to discipline a child, first reason with him, show him what he did wrong, and point out how displeasing his action was to Jehovah and to his parents. Only then discipline. Often my sons would say after they were disciplined: ‘Dad, I don’t understand myself, why I was rebellious. I was so foolish.’ They appreciate parents who care enough to discipline them.

“Parents need to be alert to the start of bad conduct. When my oldest son was in middle school third grade, I heard loud rock music coming from his room. I discovered that he had joined a student discipline team (older, exemplary students who counseled other students), and he had been exposed to worldly influences. I learned that under continued pressure from team members and out of curiosity, he had smoked. We reasoned together on the dangers of smoking, and my son concluded on his own that he should resign from the team, which he did. To fill the vacuum left by dropping objectionable school activities, we arranged for healthy recreation with the family and congregation members.

“Finally, I want to say that the most important thing is for parents to set a good example. I had always told my two boys that I wanted to serve God full-time as a minister preaching the good news. When my second boy finished school, I was able to retire from my job at a silk factory and become a full-time minister. My two boys saw my determination and followed suit. After serving time in prison because of the neutrality issue, both entered full-time service and are continuing to this day.”​—Shim Yoo Ki.

From Sweden

“We have raised seven children, five boys and two girls. Now grown, all are very active in preaching the good news of God’s Kingdom. From an early age, the children attended the congregation meetings and went with us in field service. Step-by-step they learned to do the preaching work​—ring the doorbell, say hello, give their name, and offer a handbill, tract, or magazine. When still quite young, they gave talks in the Theocratic Ministry School.

“Sometimes serious problems required special attention. Showing love and patience is then important​—no shouting or quarreling. Problems were solved by reasoning things out and stressing Jehovah’s views. We trained them in money matters. When older, they worked distributing newspapers, peat harvesting, gardening, and so forth. Visiting their grandparents far away from home made them aware of older people’s problems and sympathetic toward them.

“On our 30th wedding anniversary, we received the following letter:

“‘To Our Beloved Parents:

“‘THANK YOU FOR ALL! The warm love you have lavished on us, the genuine faith you have instilled in us, the wonderful hope you have given us​—this cannot be evaluated in words or money. However, we do hope that through this little keepsake, you will understand how much we feel for you, our beloved father and mother. [Signed] Your children.’

“Looking back on all these ‘20-year-projects,’ we feel deep gratitude to Jehovah, our heavenly Father, who has been so merciful toward us.”​—Bertil and Britta Östberg.

Miscellaneous Tidbits From Parents

“The nursing mother is Jehovah’s method of bringing baby in close physical contact with mother, but a father can augment it with a rocking chair. I took personal delight in cradling our children in my arms and rocking them to sleep nearly every night.”

“As their father, I was not equipped to nurse our children, but I did get close physical contact by giving them their nightly bath. For me and for them, it was fun time!”

“From time to time, I have taken each one of our children, separately, out to eat with me alone. They love this one-on-one time with Daddy.”

“As the years passed, little by little we entrusted them with more freedom and responsibilities. A squeezed spring in one’s hand must be released slowly to avoid having it fly away unrestrained.”

“Show lots of affection. No child ever died from hugs and kisses​—but their feelings can die without them.”

“Be patient, don’t beat them down. Don’t harp at them all the time. Let them develop self-esteem. For every criticism give four praises!”

“Give them your best, to make them their best.”

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Young children like Rebecca need genuine affection

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Taking the time to do things together will contribute to a strong family bond