The Pain of Letting Go

“My husband had warned me on the day the first baby was born—‘Raising kids, hon, is one long letting go.’”—Ourselves and Our Children—A Book by and for Parents.

MOST parents are happy—even exhilarated—when their first child is born. Despite all the inconveniences, hassles, pains, frustrations, and anxieties parenthood brings, children can be a source of great joy. Some three thousand years ago, the Bible declared: “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a real blessing.”—Psalm 127:3, Today’s English Version.

Nevertheless, the Bible also makes this sobering prediction: “A man will leave his father and his mother.” (Genesis 2:24) For a variety of reasons, grown-up children usually leave home—to pursue an education or a career, to expand their Christian ministry, to get married. But for some parents, this reality is simply too painful. They allow their children’s natural struggle for independence to cause them—as one writer put it—to “feel insulted, outraged, embarrassed, threatened or rejected.” This often translates into unending family strife and tension. Refusing to face the day their children will leave the nest, some parents fail to prepare them for adulthood. The harvest reaped from such neglect can be dreadful: adults who are ill-prepared to manage a home, care for a family, or even hold a job.

The pain of separation may be particularly acute in single-parent families. A single parent named Karen says: “My daughter and I are close; we developed a real bond of friendship. Everywhere I went, I took her.” Close parent-child relationships are common in single-parent households. Understandably, the thought of losing such closeness may be devastating.

However, the book Traits of a Healthy Family reminds parents: “That’s what family life is all about: the nurturing of a dependent infant into an adult who is his or her own person.” It then warns: “Many problems in families arise out of the parents’ inability to let go.”

What about you? Are you a parent? If so, are you prepared for the day when you will have to let your children go? And what about your children? Are you preparing them to make it on their own?

Learning to Let Go

“LIKE arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are the sons of youth,” wrote the Bible psalmist. (Psalm 127:4) An arrow does not reach its target by accident. It must be carefully aimed. In a similar way, children may not reach the goal of being responsible adults without parental direction. “Train up a boy according to the way for him,” exhorts the Bible, and “even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”—Proverbs 22:6.

The shift from dependence in childhood to independence in adulthood cannot be made overnight. So when should parents begin to train their children to be independent? The apostle Paul reminded a young man named Timothy: “From infancy you have known the holy writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through the faith in connection with Christ Jesus.” (2 Timothy 3:15) Imagine, Timothy’s mother began giving him spiritual training when he was still an infant!

Now, if small infants can benefit from spiritual training, is it not reasonable that children should be given training for adulthood as soon as possible? One way to do this is to teach them to be responsible, to make their own decisions.

Teaching Children to Be Responsible

How can you encourage your children to be responsible? A married couple named Jack and Nora recalled regarding their daughter: “When she could barely walk, she learned to carry socks or small things to her bedroom and put them in the proper drawer. She also learned to put toys and books away in their places.” These are small beginnings, but already the child was learning to make responsible decisions.

As a child grows older, perhaps he or she can be entrusted with somewhat weightier responsibilities. Abra and Anita thus allowed their daughter to have a pet dog. The youngster was responsible for the dog’s care and even gave money from her own allowance for its upkeep. Training children to live up to their responsibilities requires patience. But it is worthwhile and contributes to their emotional growth.

Household chores provide another opportunity to teach children responsibility. Some parents virtually exempt their children from family duties, considering their involvement more of a nuisance than a help. Others figure that their children should ‘have it better than they had it as children.’ This is faulty reasoning. The Scriptures say: “If one is pampering one’s servant from youth on, in his later life he will even become a thankless one.” (Proverbs 29:21) The principle of this text certainly applies to children. It is sad when a youth enters adulthood not only “thankless” but also unable to handle even the simplest of domestic tasks.

Youths in Bible times were commonly assigned household chores. For example, at the tender age of 17, young Joseph shared in the responsibility of caring for the family flocks. (Genesis 37:2) This was no small assignment, since his father’s flocks were vast. (Genesis 32:13-15) In view of the fact that Joseph grew up to be a powerful leader, it is not hard to believe that this early training did much to mold his character in a positive way. The future king of Israel David was likewise entrusted with his family’s flocks as a youth.—1 Samuel 16:11.

The lesson for parents today? Assign your children meaningful household chores. With time, effort, and patience, you can teach young ones to share in cleaning, cooking, yard maintenance, and home and vehicle repair. True, much depends upon the age and ability of the child. But even small children can usually have some share in ‘helping Daddy fix the car’ or in ‘helping Mommy cook a meal.’

Teaching household chores also requires that parents give their children a most precious gift—their time. One married couple, parents of two, were asked the secret of successful child training. They replied: “Time, time, time!”

Loving Correction

When children perform their tasks well, or at least put forth effort to do so, cheer them on with generous and sincere praise! (Compare Matthew 25:21.) Of course, children rarely perform tasks with an adult’s competence. And when children are allowed to make their own decisions, they will often make mistakes. But beware of overreacting! Have you not made your own share of mistakes as an adult? So why not show patience when your child errs? (Compare Psalm 103:13.) Allow for mistakes. View them as part of the learning process.

Authors Michael Schulman and Eva Mekler observe: “Children who are treated in a friendly manner aren’t afraid that they will be punished for taking an independent action.” However, “children of cold or harsh parents are afraid to take virtually any kind of spontaneous action, including helpful ones, because they are afraid that their parents will find some fault in what they have done and criticize or punish them.” This comment harmonizes with the Bible’s caution to parents: “Do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.” (Colossians 3:21) So when a child’s efforts fall short of expectations, why not praise him for at least having tried? Encourage him to do better next time. Let him know that his progress is a source of joy to you. Assure him of your love.

Of course, at times correction is necessary. This may be especially evident during the adolescent years, when young people are caught in a struggle to establish their own identity, to be accepted as individuals in their own right. Parents are therefore wise to view such attempts at achieving independence with understanding instead of always interpreting them as rebellion.

True, young ones are prone to act on impulse or to give in to “the desires incidental to youth.” (2 Timothy 2:22) So a failure to set limits on youthful behavior can damage a child emotionally; he will fail to learn self-control and self-discipline. The Bible warns: “A boy let on the loose will be causing his mother shame.” (Proverbs 29:15) But appropriate discipline, lovingly rendered, is beneficial and prepares a youth for the demands and pressures of adulthood. The Bible exhorts: “The one holding back his rod is hating his son, but the one loving him is he that does look for him with discipline.” (Proverbs 13:24) Remember, though, that the essence of discipline is teaching and training—not punishing. The “rod” here likely refers to the staff used by shepherds to direct their flocks. (Psalm 23:4) It is a symbol of loving guidance—not harsh brutality.

Education for Life

Parental guidance is particularly needed when it comes to a child’s education. Take an interest in your child’s education. Help him to choose appropriate school courses and to make a responsible decision about whether any supplementary education will be needed.a

Of course, the most important education of all is a spiritual education. (Isaiah 54:13) Children will need godly values to survive in the adult world. Their “perceptive powers” must be trained. (Hebrews 5:14) Parents can do much to help them in this regard. Families among Jehovah’s Witnesses are encouraged to have a regular study of the Bible with their children. Following the example of Timothy’s mother, who taught him the Scriptures from infancy, Witness parents likewise teach their small children.

A single parent named Barbara makes the family study of the Bible a most pleasant experience for her children. “That evening I make sure I give the children a nice meal, complete with a dessert they enjoy. I play the Kingdom Melodies tapes to set the right mood. Then, after opening with prayer, we usually study the Watchtower magazine. But if there is some special need, I can use such publications as Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work.”b According to Barbara, studying the Bible helps her children to “get Jehovah’s view of matters.”

Yes, no greater gift can be given a child than a knowledge and understanding of God’s Word, the Bible. It can “give to the inexperienced ones shrewdness, to a young man knowledge and thinking ability.” (Proverbs 1:4) Thus armed, a young person enters adulthood capable of meeting new pressures and situations.

Even so, the departure of children signals a big change in the life-style of most parents. How they can successfully cope with the empty nest is discussed in our next article.

Living Happily In the Empty Nest

“FOR many of us,” admitted one parent, “the final separation is a shock no matter how well prepared we are.” Yes, as inevitable as a child’s departure may be, when it actually does occur, dealing with it may not be so easy. One father tells of his own reaction after saying good-bye to his son: “For the first time in my life . . . , I just cried, and cried and cried.”

For many parents the departure of their children leaves a huge void in their life—a gaping wound. Deprived of day-to-day contact with their children, some experience intense feelings of loneliness, pain, and loss. And parents may not be the only ones who are having a tough time adjusting. A couple named Edward and Avril remind us: “If there are still other children at home, they will also be feeling the loss.” This couple’s advice? “Give them your time and understanding. This will help them adjust.”

Yes, life goes on. If you are to care for your remaining children—not to mention your job or domestic duties—you cannot allow yourself to get bogged down in grief. Let us look, therefore, at some ways to find happiness as your children leave home.

Focus on the Positive

Of course, if you feel sad or lonely and need to cry or to talk out your feelings with a sympathetic friend, by all means do so. The Bible says: “Anxious care in the heart of a man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice.” (Proverbs 12:25) Sometimes others can give a fresh perspective on things. For example, a couple named Waldemar and Marianne advise: “View the matter, not as a loss, but as the successful achievement of a goal.” What a positive way to look at things! “We are happy that we were able to rear our boys to be responsible adults,” say a couple named Rudolf and Hilde.

Have you endeavored to raise your child “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah”? (Ephesians 6:4) Even if you have, you may still have anxiety about his or her leaving. But to those who thus train their child, the Bible’s assurance is that “even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) Is it not immensely satisfying to see that your child has responded to your training? The apostle John said regarding his spiritual family: “No greater cause for thankfulness do I have than these things, that I should be hearing that my children go on walking in the truth.” (3 John 4) Perhaps you can have similar sentiments regarding your own child.

True, not all children respond to Christian training. If this turns out to be true of your grown-up child, it does not mean that you are a failure as a parent. Do not needlessly berate yourself if you have done your very best to raise him in a godly way. Realize that as an adult your child bears his own burden of responsibility before God. (Galatians 6:5) Maintain the hope that perhaps in time he will reconsider his choices and that the “arrow” will finally go where it was aimed.—Psalm 127:4.

Still a Parent!

While your child’s departure heralds a significant change, it does not mean that your job as a parent is finished. Mental-health specialist Howard Halpern says: “You are the parent until the day you die, but giving and nurturing has to be redefined.”

The Bible long ago acknowledged that parenting does not stop just because a child has grown up. Proverbs 23:22 says: “Listen to your father who caused your birth, and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old.” Yes, even when parents have “grown old” and their children are adults, parents can still be a significant influence in their children’s lives. Of course, some adjustments need to be made. But all relationships need readjusting from time to time to keep them fresh and satisfying. So now that your children are grown, work at putting your relationship with them on a more adult footing. Interestingly, studies indicate that the parent-child relationship often improves once the children have left home! As children are brought face-to-face with the pressures of the real world, they often begin to see their parents in a new light. A German man named Hartmut says: “Now I understand my parents better and realize why they did things the way they did.”

Avoid Meddling

Much damage can be done, however, if you become a meddler in your adult child’s personal life. (Compare 1 Timothy 5:13.) One married woman who is experiencing great tensions with her in-laws laments: “We love them, but we just want to live our own lives and make our own decisions.” Of course, no loving parent will stand by idly while an adult child plummets into disaster. But usually it is best to avoid giving unrequested parental advice, no matter how wise or well-meaning it is. This is especially true after a child marries.

Awake! gave this advice back in 1983: “Accept your changed role. You abandon your job as nursemaid when baby turns into toddler. Similarly, you must now trade the cherished role of caretaker for the role of adviser. Making decisions for your child at this stage of life would be as inappropriate as burping or breast-feeding him. As adviser, you have definite limitations. No longer can you effectively appeal to your authority as parent. (‘Do it because I say so.’) There must be respect for your child’s adult status.”a

You may not agree with all the decisions your child and his or her mate make. But respect for the sanctity of marriage can help you to temper your concern and avoid intruding unnecessarily. The truth is, it is usually best to let young couples work out their problems between themselves. Otherwise, you risk needless confrontation when giving unwanted advice to a son- or daughter-in-law who, at a fragile point in marriage, may be very sensitive to criticism. The above-mentioned Awake! article further advised: “Squash the temptation to make endless, unrequested suggestions, which can turn a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law into an enemy.” Be supportive—not manipulative. By maintaining a good relationship, you make it easier for your child to approach you if advice is really needed.

Renew Marital Bonds

For many couples, the empty nest may also open up the possibility of increased marital happiness. The time and effort involved in successful parenting can be so consuming that couples neglect their own relationship. One wife says: “Now that the children are gone, Konrad and I are trying to get acquainted with each other all over again.”

Freed from the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, you may now have more time for each other. Observed one parent: “This new-found free time . . . allows us to focus more attention on who we are, to center on learning more about our relationships, and to begin to engage in activities which fill our needs.” She adds: “It is a time of new learning and incredible growth, and though such times can be unsettling, they are also exhilarating.”

Some couples also have greater financial freedom. Hobbies and careers that have been put on hold can now be pursued. Among Jehovah’s Witnesses, many couples use their newfound freedom to pursue spiritual interests. A father named Hermann explains that after his children left home, he and his wife immediately turned their attention to resuming the full-time ministry.

Single Parents Letting Go

Adjusting to the empty nest can be especially difficult for single parents. Rebecca, a single mother of two, explains: “When our children go, we do not have a husband to give us company and love.” A single parent may have found her children to be a source of emotional support. And if they were contributing to the household funds, their departure may also be a financial hardship.

Some manage to improve their lot economically by enrolling in job-training programs or short-term school courses. But how does one fill the void of loneliness? A single parent says: “What works for me is keeping myself occupied. It could be reading the Bible, cleaning my home, or just going for a good walk or run. But the most rewarding way for me to overcome loneliness is to talk to a spiritual friend.” Yes, “widen out,” and cultivate new and satisfying friendships. (2 Corinthians 6:13) ‘Persist in supplications and prayers’ when you feel overwhelmed. (1 Timothy 5:5) Be assured that Jehovah will strengthen and support you through this difficult period of adjustment.

Happily Letting Go

Whatever your situation, realize that life does not end when the children leave home. Nor do family ties dissolve. The healthy love described in the Bible is strong enough to hold people together, even when they are far apart. The apostle Paul reminds us that love “endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:7, 8) The unselfish love you have cultivated in your family will not fail simply because your children leave home.

Interestingly, when children begin facing the pangs of separation and homesickness or when they start feeling the pinch of economic pressures, they are often the first to reestablish contact. Hans and Ingrid advise: “Let the children know that the door to your home is always open.” Regular visits, letters, or occasional telephone calls will help you keep in touch. “Be interested in what they are doing without prying into their affairs” is how Jack and Nora expressed it.

When children leave home, your life changes. But life in the empty nest can be busy, active, and fulfilling. Also, your relationship with your children changes. Yet, it can still be a happy and gratifying relationship. “The establishment of independence from parents,” say Professors Geoffrey Leigh and Gary Peterson, “does not imply the loss of love, loyalty, or respect for parents. . . . Indeed, strong family ties often remain throughout the life cycle.” Yes, you will never stop loving your children, and you will never stop being their parent. And because you have loved your children enough to let them go, you really have not lost them.