SECTION 6

Your Parents

Parents have the benefit of hindsight. They’ve already navigated the maze of physical and emotional changes that are part of adolescence. Ideally, they should be in the best position to guide you through the maze. Sometimes, though, parents can seem to be part of the problem​—not the solution. For example, you might face one of the following challenges:

□ My parents never stop criticizing me.

□ My dad or mom is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

□ My parents are always arguing.

□ My parents have separated.

Chapters 21-25 will help you deal with these and other problems.

CHAPTER 21

How Can I Deal With Criticism?

“My mother seemed like a police detective​—always looking for areas where I failed. Before I had time to finish my chores, she would inspect my work, looking for mistakes.”​—Craig.

“My parents were always lecturing me about something. They said I just couldn’t seem to get my act together. School, home, congregation​—they just wouldn’t give me a break.”​—James.

DOES it seem as though nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents? Do you feel that your every move is being examined under a microscope​—that you’re always being watched and constantly critiqued but you never pass inspection?

Which of the following do you hear most often?

□ Your room is always a mess.

□ You watch too much TV.

□ You stay up too late.

□ You never get up on time.

On the following line, write the parental reminder or criticism that bothers you the most.

․․․․․

True, commands and criticism may get on your nerves. But consider the alternative: If you never received counsel or discipline, wouldn’t you wonder if your parents cared about you? (Hebrews 12:8) Really, discipline is evidence of your parents’ love. The Bible says that a father will reprove “a son in whom he finds pleasure.”​—Proverbs 3:12.

You can be grateful, then, that your parents care enough about you to set you straight! After all, you’re young and relatively inexperienced. Sooner or later, correction will be in order. Without guidance, you could easily be overpowered by “the desires incidental to youth.”​—2 Timothy 2:22.

But It Hurts!

Of course, “no discipline seems for the present to be joyous, but grievous.” (Hebrews 12:11) This is particularly so when you’re young. And no wonder! Your personality is in its developing stages. You’re still growing up and discovering who you are. So criticism​—even when carefully thought out and delivered in a kind way—​may trigger resentment.

This reaction is understandable, because the value you place on yourself can easily be influenced by what others say about you. And your parents’ opinion in particular greatly affects your sense of self-worth. So when a parent corrects you or complains about the way you do something, it can be devastating.

Should you conclude that nothing you do is ever good enough or that you’re a complete failure simply because your parents have pointed out a few of your flaws? No. All humans fall woefully short of perfection. (Ecclesiastes 7:20) And making mistakes is part of the learning process. (Job 6:24) What, though, if your parents seem to have a lot to say when you do something wrong but little to say when you do something right? That can hurt. Still, it hardly means you’re a total failure.

Behind the Criticism

Sometimes a parent might seem overly critical, not because of any particular failing on your part, but simply because he or she is in a bad mood. Has your mom had a hard day? Is she struggling with an illness? Then she might be more prone than usual to pick on you if your room isn’t in tip-top shape. Is your dad angry and frustrated over family finances? Then he might speak thoughtlessly “as with the stabs of a sword.” (Proverbs 12:18) Granted, such unfair criticism is irritating. But instead of dwelling on the injustice​—which will only make you more upset—​try to overlook your parents’ faults. Remember: “We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.”​—James 3:2.

As imperfect humans, parents too can be afflicted with feelings of inadequacy. In fact, failure on your part can make them feel as if they have failed. For example, a mother might criticize her daughter when she brings home a poor report card from school. But what the mother might actually be thinking is, ‘I’m afraid that I’m failing as a mother because I’m not motivating my daughter to succeed.’

Keeping Cool When Under Fire

Whatever is behind the criticism, the question is, How can you cope with it? First, be careful not to lash out. Proverbs 17:27 says: “Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit.” How can you remain “cool of spirit” when under fire? Try the following:

Listen. Rather than being quick to justify your actions or protest your innocence, try to hold back your emotions and absorb what your parents have to say. The disciple James told Christians to be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) If you angrily interrupt while your parents are talking to you, they’ll think that you aren’t listening. This will frustrate them and inevitably lead to more counsel, not less.

Focus. At times, you may feel that your parents’ counsel was delivered in a less-than-kind manner. Rather than dwell on the way they spoke to you, though, focus on what was said. Ask yourself: ‘What part of this criticism do I know to be true? Have I heard my parents complain about this matter before? What would it cost me to comply with their wishes?’ Remember, despite how it may seem at the moment, your parents’ concern is motivated by love. If they really did hate you, they wouldn’t discipline you at all.​—Proverbs 13:24.

Rephrase. If you rephrase your parents’ counsel and repeat it back to them in a respectful manner, you reassure them that you heard what they said. For example, a parent might say: “You always leave your room in a mess. If you don’t clean it up, you’re grounded!” Now, your room may look just fine to you. But expressing that thought will hardly be helpful. Try to look at things from your parents’ viewpoint. It would be better to say, without sarcasm, something like this: “You’re right. My room is messy. Would you like me to clean it right now or after dinner?” When you acknowledge your parents’ concerns in this way, the tension is more likely to ease. Of course, you then need to follow through on your parents’ direction.​—Ephesians 6:1.

Wait. Save any justification until after you’ve complied with your parents’ wishes. “The one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 10:19) Once your parents see that you really were listening to them, they’ll be far more inclined to listen to you.

Write here which of the above four steps you need to work on most. ․․․․․

Why It’s Worth the Effort

Would you be willing to endure some physical hardship to discover a fortune in gold? Well, the Bible says that wisdom is worth far more than any treasure. (Proverbs 3:13, 14) How do you become wise? Proverbs 19:20 says: “Listen to counsel and accept discipline, in order that you may become wise in your future.” True, counsel and discipline may cause some discomfort. But if you find and apply the nuggets of wisdom in any criticism you receive, you’ll gain a treasure worth more than gold.

Let’s face it: Criticism is part of life. You already have to cope with it from your parents and teachers. In the future, you will no doubt have employers and others to deal with. Learn how to handle criticism at home, and you’ll become a progressive student, a valued employee, and a more confident person in general. Surely, it’s worth enduring a little criticism to gain those results!

KEY SCRIPTURE

“A wise person will listen and take in more instruction.”​—Proverbs 1:5.

TIP

To help you accept correction from your parents

● Appreciate any commendation that you receive with the criticism.

● Ask for clarification if you’re not clear about the problem or the expected solution.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Some dads and moms find it difficult to deal lovingly with their children because they didn’t receive adequate love and understanding from their own parents.

ACTION PLAN!

The next time my parents criticize me, I will ․․․․․

If I feel that my parents are being overly critical, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why might you find it hard to accept criticism?

● What may prompt your parents to be critical of you?

● How can you make the most of any counsel you receive?

[Blurb on page 177]

“All my life it was my mother yelling and me answering her back. But now I try to put into practice what God’s Word says. It works. Mom’s attitude has started to change. By applying the Bible, I came to understand her better. Our relationship improved.”​—Marleen

[Picture on page 180]

If you sift out the nuggets of wisdom in any criticism you receive, you’ll gain a treasure worth more than gold

CHAPTER 22

Why So Many Rules?

Name some rules that exist in your family. ․․․․․

Do you think family rules are always fair?

□ Yes □ No

Which rule do you find the most difficult to obey? ․․․․․

HOUSE RULES, as they’re sometimes called, are the dos and don’ts that your parents have set for you. Such rules may include requirements about homework, chores, and curfews, as well as restrictions on your use of the phone, the TV, and the computer. Some rules may extend beyond the walls of your home to include your behavior at school and your choice of friends.

Do you feel hemmed in by these restrictions? Perhaps you can relate to the following youths:

“My curfew used to drive me crazy! I hated it when others were allowed to stay out later than I was.”​—Allen.

“It’s horrible having your cell-phone calls monitored. I feel that I’m being treated like a child!”​—Elizabeth.

“I felt that my parents were trying to wreck my social life, as though they didn’t want me to have any friends!”​—Nicole.

While young people often find themselves on the wrong side of their parents’ rules, most youths acknowledge that some regulations are needed to prevent total chaos. But if house rules are necessary, why are some of them so annoying?

“I’m Not a Baby Anymore!”

Perhaps you chafe at rules because you feel that you’re being treated like a child. You want to cry out, “I’m not a baby anymore!” Of course, your parents probably feel that their rules are vital if they are to protect you and prepare you for the responsibilities of adulthood.

Still, it might seem as if the rules in your home have not “grown up” as much as you have. You might feel restricted, as did a girl named Brielle, who said of her parents: “They have completely forgotten what it’s like to be my age. They don’t want me to have my say, make a choice, or be an adult.” A youth named Allison feels similarly. “My parents don’t seem to understand that I’m 18 years old and not 10,” she says. “They need to trust me more!”

House rules can be especially painful to submit to if your siblings seem to be given more lenient treatment. For example, recalling his teen years, a young man named Matthew says of his younger sister and his cousins, “The girls got away with ‘murder’!”

No Rules?

Understandably, you may long for a life out from under your parents’ authority. But would you really be better off without their restrictions? You probably know youths your age who can stay out as late as they want, can wear anything they like, and can go with their friends whenever and wherever it suits them. Perhaps the parents are simply too busy to notice what their children are doing. In any case, the Bible shows that this approach to child-rearing will not be successful. (Proverbs 29:15) The lack of love you see in the world is largely due to its self-centered people, many of whom were raised in homes without restraint.​—2 Timothy 3:1-5.

Rather than envying youths who are allowed to do as they please, try to see your parents’ rules as evidence of their love and concern for you. By enforcing reasonable limits, they’re imitating Jehovah God, who said to his people: “I shall make you have insight and instruct you in the way you should go. I will give advice with my eye upon you.”​—Psalm 32:8.

At times, though, you may feel overwhelmed by your parents’ rules. How can you gain some relief?

Communication That Works

Whether you want to gain more freedom or just reduce your frustration with the limits your parents now place on you, the key is good communication. ‘But I’ve tried talking to my parents, and it just doesn’t work!’ some might say. If that’s how you feel, ask yourself, ‘Could I improve my communication skills?’ Communication is a vital tool that can (1) help others to understand you or (2) help you to understand why what you want is being refused. Really, if you want to receive grown-up privileges, it’s only reasonable that you develop mature communication skills. How can you do so?

Learn to control your emotions. Good communication requires self-control. The Bible states: “All his spirit is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last.” (Proverbs 29:11) So avoid whining, sulking, and throwing childish tantrums. Admittedly, you may feel like slamming the door or stomping around the house when your parents restrict you. However, such behavior will probably lead to more rules​—not to more freedom.

Try to see your parents’ point of view. Tracy, a Christian youth in a single-parent family, says, “I ask myself, ‘What is my mother trying to accomplish with her rules?’” Tracy’s conclusion? “She’s trying to help me become a better person.” (Proverbs 3:1, 2) Showing such empathy may help you to communicate effectively with your parents.

For example, suppose your parents are reluctant to let you attend a certain gathering. Instead of arguing, you could ask, “What if a mature, trustworthy friend came along with me?” Your parents may still not grant your request. But if you understand their concerns, you have a better chance of suggesting an acceptable option.

Build your parents’ confidence in you. Imagine a man who owes money to a bank. If he makes his payments regularly, he’ll earn the bank’s trust and the bank may even extend more credit to him in the future. It’s similar at home. You owe your parents your obedience. If you prove trustworthy​—even in small things—​your parents are likely to trust you more in the future. Of course, if you continually let your parents down, don’t be surprised if they reduce or even close your “line of credit.”

When a Rule Has Been Broken

Sooner or later, you’re likely to cross the line​—fail to do your chores, talk too long on the phone, or miss a curfew. (Psalm 130:3) Then you’ll have to face your parents! How can you keep a bad situation from getting worse?

Speak the truth. Do not tell tall tales. If you do, that would only undermine any remaining trust your parents have in you. So be honest and specific about details. (Proverbs 28:13) Avoid justifying or minimizing what happened. And always remember that “an answer, when mild, turns away rage.”​—Proverbs 15:1.

Apologize. Expressing regret over the worry, disappointment, or extra work you caused is appropriate and may reduce the severity of your punishment. However, your sorrow must be sincere.

Accept the consequences. (Galatians 6:7) Your first response may be to dispute the punishment, especially if it seems unfair. However, taking responsibility for your actions is a sign of maturity. Your best option may simply be to work at regaining your parents’ confidence.

Write here which of the above three points you need to work on most. ․․․․․

Remember, your parents have the responsibility to exercise reasonable control over your actions. Thus, the Bible speaks of “the commandment of your father” and “the law of your mother.” (Proverbs 6:20) Nevertheless, you need not feel that house rules will ruin your life. On the contrary, if you submit to your parents’ authority, Jehovah promises that, in the long run, it will “go well with you”!​—Ephesians 6:1-3.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 3

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Honor your father and your mother . . . that it may go well with you.”​—Ephesians 6:2, 3.

TIP

If you want your parents to give you more freedom, first build a record of abiding by their rules. When you have a track record of being obedient, they’ll be more likely to grant your requests.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Research shows that youths whose parents lovingly enforce rules are more likely to excel academically, to interact well with others, and to be happy.

ACTION PLAN!

If I break a house rule, I will say ․․․․․

I can build my parents’ trust in me by ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why might your parents seem overly protective of you at times?

● Why do you sometimes overreact to restrictions?

● How can you improve your communication with your parents?

[Blurb on page 183]

“When you’re young, you tend to think you know everything. So when your parents restrict you, it’s easy to get upset with them. But their rules are really for the best.”​—Megan

[Box on page 186]

Is It Really Favoritism?

Have you ever wondered, ‘Why can’t parents treat everyone exactly the same?’ If so, consider this fact: Equal treatment isn’t always fair, and fair treatment isn’t always equal. Really, the question is, Are your needs being neglected? For instance, when you need your parents’ advice, help, or support, are they there for you? If so, can you honestly say that you’re the victim of injustice? Since you and your siblings are individuals with different needs, it just isn’t possible for your parents to treat all of you the same way all the time. That’s what Beth came to appreciate. Now 18, she says: “My brother and I are two different people and need to be treated differently. Looking back, I can’t believe I couldn’t see that when I was younger.”

[Box/​Picture on page 189]

Worksheet

Talk to Your Parents!

The preceding two chapters have discussed how you can deal with parental criticism and house rules. What if you feel that your parents are being too harsh in either or both of these areas? How could you open up a discussion with them about it?

● Pick a time when you’re relaxed and your parents aren’t too busy.

● Speak from the heart, but don’t be ruled by your emotions. Accord your parents due respect.

If you feel that your parents are overly critical, you could say: “I’m trying hard to do what’s right, but it’s difficult when I feel that I’m being criticized all the time. Can we talk about it?”

Write below how you would open up a discussion with your parents about this subject.

․․․․․

✔ TIP: Use Chapter 21 to break the ice. Perhaps your parents will be willing to discuss the material in that chapter with you.

If you feel that your parents are not allowing you enough freedom, you could say: “I’d like to show myself more responsible so that in time I can be granted more freedom. What do you think I should work on?”

Write below how you could open up a discussion with your parents about this subject.

․․․․․

✔ TIP: Review Chapter 3 in Volume 1. Then make a list of any questions you may have about what you read.

[Picture on page 184, 185]

Obeying your parents’ rules is like paying off a debt to the bank​—the more reliable you are, the more trust (or credit) you will receive

CHAPTER 23

What if My Parent Is Addicted to Drugs or Alcohol?

“Dad said he’d be away working on the van, but we hadn’t heard from him all day. Mom tried calling him on the phone. No answer. A little while later, I noticed that Mom had a worried look on her face and that she was getting ready to leave. ‘I’m going to check on your dad,’ she told me.

“Later, Mom returned​—alone. ‘Dad wasn’t there, was he?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied.

“At that moment I knew that Dad was up to his old tricks. It was just like the last time. You see, my dad’s a drug addict. And by the time he came home, my Mom and I were nervous wrecks. I basically ignored him all the next day​—which I feel absolutely horrible about.”​—Karen, 14.

MILLIONS of youths endure the daily turmoil of living with a parent who’s hooked on drugs or alcohol. If one of your parents is enslaved to such an addiction, he or she may embarrass, frustrate, and even anger you.

Mary, for example, was raised by a dad who seemed to be a nice person when in public. But he was a closet alcoholic, and at home he subjected his family to profanity and abuse. “People would come up to us children and tell us what a wonderful father we had and how fortunate we were,” Mary recalls bitterly.a

If one of your parents is addicted to alcohol or drugs, how can you cope?

Behind the Addiction

First of all, it helps to gain some insight into your parent’s problem. “A man of understanding is the one who acquires skillful direction,” says Proverbs 1:5. So it would be good for you to learn something about what addiction is, who gets addicted to alcohol or drugs, and why.

For instance, an alcoholic isn’t simply someone who overdrinks on occasion. On the contrary, he has a chronic drinking disorder.b He’s preoccupied​—even obsessed—​with alcohol and cannot control his consumption of it once he starts drinking. His addiction causes painful problems affecting his family, work, and health.

While certain people may be physically prone to alcohol addiction, emotional factors also appear to be involved. In fact, many alcoholics often harbor negative feelings about themselves. (Proverbs 14:13) Some of them, in fact, grew up in families where their own parents were alcoholics. For such people, drinking may numb the pain of childhood emotional scars. The same factors might be involved when a person is addicted to drugs.

Of course, drinking or taking drugs only compounds a person’s problems; his thinking and emotions now become even more warped. That’s why your parent may need considerable help from a trained professional to break free from his addiction.

Modifying Your Expectations

Granted, understanding why your parent behaves so badly doesn’t make the problem disappear. Still, having some insight into his addiction might allow you to view your parent with a measure of compassion.

For example, would you expect a parent with a broken leg to play a game of soccer with you? What if you knew that the injury was the result of your parent’s own foolish actions? No doubt, you’d be disappointed. Nevertheless, you would realize that until the injury heals, your parent’s ability to play ball with you would be severely limited. Grasping that fact would help you to adjust your expectations.

Similarly, an alcoholic parent or one who is addicted to drugs is emotionally and mentally crippled. True, the “injury” is self-inflicted. And you may rightly resent your parent’s foolish conduct. However, until your parent seeks help to heal his addiction, he’ll be severely limited in his ability to care for you. Viewing his addiction as an incapacitating injury may help you to modify your expectations.

What You Can Do

The fact remains that until your parent straightens out his life, you must live with the consequences of his behavior. In the meantime, what can you do about it?

Don’t take responsibility for your parent’s addiction. Your parent​—and your parent alone—​is responsible for his addiction. “Each one will carry his own load,” says Galatians 6:5. It’s not your job, then, to cure your parent, nor are you obliged to shield him from the consequences of his addiction. For example, you don’t have to lie for him to his boss or drag him off the front porch when he’s fallen into a drunken stupor there.

Encourage your parent to get help. Your parent’s biggest problem may be admitting that he has a problem. When he’s sober and calm, perhaps the nonaddicted parent along with the older siblings can tell him how his behavior is affecting the family and what he needs to do about it.

In addition, your addicted parent might do well to write down the answers to the following questions: What will happen to me and my family if I keep drinking or taking drugs? What will happen if I give up my habit? What must I do to get help?

If trouble is brewing, leave the scene. “Before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave,” says Proverbs 17:14. Don’t put yourself at risk by getting in the middle of a quarrel. If possible, retire to your room or go to a friend’s house. When the threat of violence exists, outside help may be needed.

Acknowledge your feelings. Some youths feel guilty because they resent an addicted parent. It’s only normal to feel a degree of resentment, especially if your parent’s addiction prevents him from giving you the love and support you need. True, the Bible obligates you to honor your parent. (Ephesians 6:2, 3) But “honor” means to respect his authority, in much the same way as you are to respect that of a police officer or a judge. It doesn’t mean that you approve of your parent’s addiction. (Romans 12:9) Nor are you a bad person because you’re repulsed by his drinking or drug abuse; after all, substance abuse is repulsive!​—Proverbs 23:29-35.

Find upbuilding association. When life at home is chaotic, you can lose sight of what’s normal. It’s important, therefore, that you enjoy the association of people who are spiritually and emotionally healthy. Members of the Christian congregation can provide much nurturing and support as well as an occasional break from family stress. (Proverbs 17:17) Association with Christian families can give you a healthy model of family life to counteract the distorted model you observe at home.

Seek help for yourself. Having a mature, trusted adult with whom you can share your feelings really helps. Congregation elders are willing to help you when you need them. The Bible says that these men can be “like a hiding place from the wind and a place of concealment from the rainstorm, like streams of water in a waterless country, like the shadow of a heavy crag in an exhausted land.” (Isaiah 32:2) So don’t be afraid or ashamed to go to them for comfort and advice.

Write here which of the above six steps you will try to apply first. ․․․․․

You may not be able to change the situation at home, but you can change the way you’re affected by it. Rather than trying to control your parent, focus on the one person you can control​—you. “Keep working out your own salvation,” wrote the apostle Paul. (Philippians 2:12) Doing so will help you maintain a positive outlook, and it might even prod your parent to seek help for his addiction.

[Footnotes]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger.”​—Proverbs 19:11.

TIP

Rather than hate your parent, develop a healthy hatred of your parent’s wrongdoing.​—Proverbs 8:13; Jude 23.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

In the Bible “honor” can simply mean recognizing legitimate authority. (Ephesians 6:1, 2) Hence, honoring a parent doesn’t require that you always approve of his course of behavior.

ACTION PLAN!

If my parent becomes verbally or physically abusive, I will ․․․․․

I can encourage my parent to get help by ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● What causes some people to become addicted to alcohol or drugs?

● Why are you not responsible for your parent’s addiction?

● What aspects of your situation can you control, and how can you do so?

[Blurb on page 192]

“I know that I may still have to face embarrassment from my parents in the future, but I also know that if I rely on Jehovah, he will give me strength to endure.”​—Maxwell

[Box on page 198]

If a Parent Stops Serving Jehovah

If one of your parents stops living by Bible standards​—perhaps even makes known that he no longer wants to be part of the Christian congregation—​what can you do?

● Realize that Jehovah doesn’t hold you accountable for your parent’s conduct. The Bible states: “Each of us will render an account for himself to God.”​—Romans 14:12.

● Avoid the tendency to compare yourself with other youths whose circumstances are better. (Galatians 5:26) One young man whose father abandoned his family says, “Rather than dwelling on such thoughts, it is more helpful to concentrate on ways of coping with the situation.”

● Continue to show respect for a wayward parent, and if his orders don’t conflict with God’s standards, obey them. Jehovah’s command that children honor their parents isn’t dependent on whether the parent is a believer. (Ephesians 6:1-3) When you honor and obey your parents despite their failings, you prove your love for Jehovah.​—1 John 5:3.

● Associate closely with the Christian congregation. There you can find the comfort of a large spiritual family. (Mark 10:30) A young man named David feared that members of the congregation might avoid him and others in his family because his father had stopped serving Jehovah. But David found that his fears were unjustified. “We weren’t made to feel like outcasts,” he says. “This convinced me that the congregation really cared.”

[Picture on page 194]

Viewing your parent’s addiction as an incapacitating injury can help you to adjust your expectations

Role Model​—Hezekiah

Hezekiah is at a crossroads in his life. At just 25, he’s the king of Judah. What kind of king will he be? Will he allow the bad example of his father, King Ahaz, to influence him? Right up to his death, Ahaz had been an unrepentant apostate. He promoted pagan worship and even burned at least one of Hezekiah’s brothers on a pagan altar. (2 Chronicles 28:1-4) However, Hezekiah doesn’t permit his father’s hypocritical conduct to sour him on the worship of Jehovah, nor does he feel doomed to repeat his father’s mistakes. Instead, Hezekiah keeps “sticking to Jehovah.”​—2 Kings 18:6.

Does one of your parents mock the worship of Jehovah? Is he or she abusive or a slave to some bad habit? If so, you don’t have to repeat your parent’s mistakes! Hezekiah didn’t let his sad family background ruin his life. In fact, he became such a good king that “after him there proved to be no one like him among all the kings of Judah.” (2 Kings 18:5) Like Hezekiah, you can make a success of your life despite difficult family circumstances. How? Keep “sticking to Jehovah.”

CHAPTER 24

What Should I Do if My Parents Argue?

Do your parents ever argue in front of you? If so, which of the following issues do they fight about most?

□ Money

□ Household chores

□ Relatives

□ You

What do you wish you could tell your parents about how this affects you? Write your comments below.

․․․․․

YOU can’t help but be affected by your parents’ disputes. After all, you love them, and you rely on them for support. As a result, it may devastate you to hear them argue. You might agree with a girl named Marie, who says, “It’s hard for me to respect my parents when it seems that they don’t respect each other.”

Seeing your parents quarrel brings home a painful realization: They aren’t nearly as perfect as you might have thought. This rude awakening can arouse all kinds of fears. If the arguments are frequent or intense, you may worry that their marriage is on the verge of a breakup. “When I hear my parents fighting,” says Marie, “I imagine that they’ll get a divorce and that I’ll have to choose which one to live with. I’m also afraid that I’ll be separated from my siblings.”

Why do parents fight, and what should you do when a family feud erupts?

Why Parents Fight

As a rule, your parents may ‘put up with each other in love.’ (Ephesians 4:2) But the Bible says: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) Your parents aren’t perfect. Therefore, it shouldn’t surprise you if their irritations build and occasionally become manifest in the form of an argument.

Remember, too, that we live in “critical times hard to deal with.” (2 Timothy 3:1) The pressures of making a living, paying the bills, contending with the atmosphere of the workplace​—all these things place heavy strains on a marriage. And if both parents have secular jobs, deciding who will handle certain household chores can become a source of controversy.

Be assured that if your parents have disagreements, this doesn’t automatically mean that their marriage is falling apart. In all likelihood your parents still love each other​—even though they differ in opinion on certain matters.

To illustrate: Have you ever watched a movie with close friends and found out that your opinion of it differed from theirs? It can happen. Even people who are close to one another will see certain things differently. It could be similar with your parents. Perhaps both are concerned about the family finances, but each has a different view of budgeting; both want to plan a family vacation, but each has a different notion of what constitutes relaxation; or both are eager for you to succeed at school, but each has a different idea about the best way to motivate you.

The point is, unity does not require uniformity. Two people who love each other can see things differently at times. Still, your parents’ conflicts may be difficult to listen to. What can you do or say that will help you to endure?

What to Do

Be respectful. It’s easy to become annoyed with bickering parents. After all, they’re supposed to set the example for you​—not the other way around. Treating a parent contemptuously, though, will only add to family tensions. More important, Jehovah God commands you to respect and obey your parents​—even when it’s not easy for you to do so.​—Exodus 20:12; Proverbs 30:17.

But what if an issue your parents disagree on directly involves you? For example, suppose one of your parents is a Christian and the other is an unbeliever. Religious difficulties may arise in which you must take a stand for righteousness along with the God-fearing parent. (Matthew 10:34-37) Always do so “with a mild temper and deep respect.” Your example in this regard may one day help to win over your unbelieving parent.​—1 Peter 3:15.

Remain neutral. What can you do if your parents pressure you to take sides on issues that don’t directly involve you? Strive to remain neutral. Perhaps you can excuse yourself graciously by saying something like this: “Mom and Dad, I love you both. But please don’t ask me to take sides. This is something you have to work out between yourselves.”

Communicate. Let your parents know how their quarreling makes you feel. Choose a time when you think they’ll be receptive and then respectfully tell them how their fighting upsets, angers, or even frightens you.​—Proverbs 15:23; Colossians 4:6.

What Not to Do

Don’t play marriage counselor. As a youth, you’re simply not qualified to solve your parents’ disputes. To illustrate: Imagine you were a passenger in a small plane and heard the pilot and the copilot arguing. Understandably, you’d be upset. But what would happen if you presumed to tell the pilots how to fly the plane or even tried to take over the controls?

Similarly, trying to ‘take over the controls’ by involving yourself in your parents’ marital troubles would likely just make things worse. The Bible says: “By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) Likely your parents can better work out their difficulties by consulting together privately.​—Proverbs 25:9.

Don’t join in. Two clashing voices are bad enough. Why add a third voice to the clamor? No matter how tempting it may be for you to join in, the fact is that it’s your parents’ responsibility​—not yours—​to resolve their disputes. Strive, then, to follow the Bible’s advice to “mind your own business” in such personal matters. (1 Thessalonians 4:11) Refuse to jump into the fray.

Don’t play one parent against the other. Some youths actually encourage their parents to argue by pitting one against the other. When Mom says no, they play on Dad’s emotions and try to squeeze a yes out of him. Clever manipulation might gain you a little freedom, but in the long run, it only prolongs family strife.

Don’t let their behavior affect your behavior. A youth named Peter came to realize that he was using unchristian conduct as a way to get back at his abusive dad. “I wanted to hurt him,” Peter says. “I resented him so much for the way he treated my mom and me and my sister.” Before long, though, Peter had to face the consequences of his actions. The lesson? Bad behavior will only compound the problems you’re facing at home.​—Galatians 6:7.

Write here which of the points in this chapter you need to work on most. ․․․․․

Clearly, you can’t stop your parents from arguing. But be assured that Jehovah can help you to cope with the anxiety that their fighting causes in you.​—Philippians 4:6, 7; 1 Peter 5:7.

Try your best to apply the above suggestions. In time, your parents may be moved to give serious attention to working out their problems. Who knows​—they may even stop their fighting.

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Let your utterance be always with graciousness.”​—Colossians 4:6.

TIP

If your parents’ fights are frequent and intense, respectfully suggest that they seek help.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

People who love each other may still disagree at times.

ACTION PLAN!

When my parents start to argue, I will ․․․․․

If my parents ask me to take sides, I will say ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why do some parents fight?

● Why are you not to blame for your parents’ problems?

● What can you learn from observing your parents’ conduct?

[Blurb on page 201]

“Realizing that my parents aren’t perfect and that they have trials just as I do has helped me to cope when they argue.”​—Kathy

[Box/​Pictures on page 206, 207]

What if My Parents Separate?

If your parents separate, how can you act wisely despite the feelings that may be tearing you up inside? Consider the following suggestions:

● Resist false expectations. Your first instinct might be to try to get your parents back together. Recalls Anne: “After they separated, my parents would still take us out together sometimes. My sister and I would whisper to each other, ‘Let’s run ahead and leave those two together.’ But I guess it didn’t work. They never did get back together.”

Proverbs 13:12 says: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” To avoid becoming unduly distressed yourself, remember that you cannot control what your parents do. You didn’t cause their separation, and in all likelihood you cannot step in and patch up their marriage either.​—Proverbs 26:17.

● Avoid hatred. Harboring anger and hatred toward one or both of your parents can cause you long-term damage. Tom recalls his feelings at age 12: “I started to feel real anger toward my dad. I don’t like to use the word ‘hatred,’ but I had a terrible grudge. I couldn’t see how he could care about us if he left us.”

Separation, though, is rarely as simple as one parent being all good and the other being all bad. The fact is, your parents probably haven’t told you everything about their marriage or its breakup; they may not even understand it themselves. So avoid judging a situation when you don’t have the whole picture. (Proverbs 18:13) Granted, anger is hard to resist, and it’s quite natural for you to feel deeply upset for a time. But nursing an angry and vengeful spirit can gradually poison your personality. For good reason the Bible tells us: “Let anger alone and leave rage.”​—Psalm 37:8.

● Be realistic. Rather than hate an estranged parent, some youths swing to the other extreme and idolize him or her. One youth’s father, for example, was an alcoholic and a womanizer who left the family repeatedly and finally got a divorce. Yet, this youth recalls that for some reason, he almost worshipped his dad!

Such misguided adoration isn’t unusual. In one country, some 90 percent of the children of divorced parents live with their mother and visit their father. Thus, the mother is often responsible for the day-to-day care of her children​—including discipline. And in spite of support payments, the mother’s economic status usually goes way down after the divorce. On the other hand, the father’s may go up. The result: A visit with Dad means getting gifts and having fun! Life with Mom means pinching pennies and being told what to do and what not to do. Sad to say, some youths have even left a Christian parent in order to live with a wealthier and more permissive unbelieving parent.​—Proverbs 19:4.

If you’re tempted to make such a choice, check your priorities. Remember that you need moral guidance and discipline. Nothing else a parent can offer will so deeply affect your character and the quality of your life.​—Proverbs 4:13.

[Picture on page 202, 203]

A youth who tells his parents how to solve their disputes is like a passenger who tells the pilots how to fly a plane

CHAPTER 25

Can I Be Happy in a Single-Parent Family?

“Kids with two parents can have their own rooms and buy new clothes. But I have to share a room; I hardly ever get the kind of clothes I like. Mom says she can’t afford them. With all the chores I have to do around the house while she works, I feel like a maid​—like I’m being cheated out of part of my childhood.”​—Shalonda, 13.

NO DOUBT about it, a home with two loving parents is the ideal. A dad and mom who are together can usually offer more guidance, protection, and support. “Two are better off than one,” says the Bible, “because together they can work more effectively.”​—Ecclesiastes 4:9, Today’s English Version.

Even so, if the two-parent home were an animal, it would likely be placed on the endangered species list. For example, more than half the children in the United States will spend some time in a single-parent family before they turn 18.

Still, some youths who live in one-parent households feel ashamed of their circumstances. Others feel overwhelmed by the pressures and problems to which life subjects them. If you live in a one-parent family, what pressures do you encounter? On the line below, write down the problem that bothers you most.

․․․․․

Because you’re missing the full-time love and care of one of your parents, are you doomed to misery? Not at all! Much has to do with your view of the situation. Proverbs 15:15 says: “All the days of the afflicted one are bad; but the one that is good at heart has a feast constantly.” As this proverb implies, a person’s mood is often determined more by his attitude than by his circumstances. What can you do to help yourself feel “good at heart” despite your circumstances?

Counteract Negative Feelings

First, try not to allow the negative comments of others to arouse bad feelings. Some teachers, for example, have shown glaring insensitivity toward one-parent students. Some have even assumed that any behavioral problem is the result of a faulty home environment. But ask yourself: ‘Do the people who make these comments really know me and my family? Or are they just parroting what they’ve heard others say about one-parent households?’

It’s worth noting that the expression “fatherless boy” appears dozens of times in the Scriptures. Not once is this term used in a derogatory manner. In fact, in nearly every one of these accounts, Jehovah reveals his special concern for children who are raised in one-parent homes.a

On the other hand, some well-meaning people might be overly sensitive when speaking to you. For example, they may hesitate to use such words as “father,” “marriage,” “divorce,” or “death,” fearing that such words will offend or embarrass you. Does this kind of behavior bother you? If so, tactfully show them that their concerns are misplaced. Tony, 14, never knew his real father. He says some people bite their tongue when it comes to certain words. However, Tony goes right ahead and uses those very words when talking to them. “I want them to know I’m not ashamed of my situation,” he says.

Avoid the “What-Ifs”

Granted, sadness and a sense of loss are only natural if your parents have divorced or if a beloved parent has died. Even so, eventually you need to accept your situation. The Bible offers this advice: “Do not say: ‘Why has it happened that the former days proved to be better than these?’” (Ecclesiastes 7:10) In this regard, 13-year-old Sarah, whose parents were divorced when she was 10, recommends: “Do not brood over your situation, having the ‘what-if’ blues, or feel that the problems you have are because of your one-parent home, or even that kids in two-parent homes have a cushy life.” This is good advice. After all, even the “ideal” family is hardly devoid of problems.

Why not picture your family as a team of oarsmen in a rowboat? Ideally, the boat would have a full crew. In a single-parent household, one of the crew is missing and the rest of the team has to work a bit harder. Does this mean that the family is a failure? No! As long as the rest of the team pull together, the boat will stay afloat and reach its destination.

Are You Pulling Your Weight?

What specifically can you do to ensure that, along with the rest of your family, you’re pulling your weight? Consider the following three suggestions:

Learn to be frugal. Money is a big concern in most one-parent families. What can you do to help? Tony, mentioned earlier, says: “Kids in my school demand that their parents buy them designer sneakers and clothes. They refuse to go to school without them. I don’t have the latest designer clothes, but I’m neat and clean, and I take care of what I have. My mom’s doing the best she can; I don’t want to make it harder for her.” With a little effort, you can imitate the apostle Paul, who said: “I have learned to be satisfied with what I have . . . , so that anywhere, at any time, I am content.”​—Philippians 4:11, 12, TEV.

Another way to be frugal is to avoid waste. (John 6:12) Young Rodney says: “Around the house, I try to be careful not to break or misplace things, since it costs money to repair or replace items. I try to turn off electrical appliances or lights not being used. This helps to lower our electric bills.”

Take the initiative. Many single parents are reluctant to enforce household rules or to ask their children to help with chores. Why? Some feel that they need to compensate for the absence of a parent by making life easy for their children. ‘I don’t want my kids to miss out on having fun,’ they may reason.

Now, you might be tempted to take advantage of your parent’s feelings of guilt. But doing so would only add to your parent’s burden, not lighten it. Instead, why not take the initiative to help out? Consider what Tony was willing to do. “My mother works in a hospital, and her uniform has to be pressed,” he says. “So I iron it for her.” Isn’t that a woman’s work? “Some think so,” replies Tony. “But it helps my mom, so I do it.”

Express appreciation. Besides offering practical help, you can do much to lift your parent’s spirits by simply expressing your appreciation. One single parent wrote: “I often find that when I am really low or irritable from a particularly trying day at work and I come home​—that is the day my daughter has chosen to set the table and get the supper going.” She adds: “My son puts his arms around me and hugs me.” How is she affected by such thoughtful acts? “My whole mood changes for the better again,” she says.

Write here which one of the above three points you need to work on most. ․․․․․

Living in a one-parent family gives you the opportunity to develop such qualities as compassion, unselfishness, and dependability. In addition, Jesus said: “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” (Acts 20:35) And great happiness can be yours if you give of yourself by helping your single parent.

Of course, you’ll wish from time to time that you had a second parent at home. Still, you can learn to make the best of your situation. That’s what a girl named Nia found. “After my dad died,” she says, “someone told me that ‘your life is what you make it,’ and those words really stuck with me. They reminded me that I don’t have to be a victim of my circumstances.” You can adopt a similar outlook. Remember, it’s not your circumstances that make you happy or unhappy. It’s how you view them​—and what you do about them.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 4

[Footnote]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Look out for one another’s interests, not just for your own.”​—Philippians 2:4, Today’s English Version.

TIP

If you feel you have ended up with more responsibility than you can handle, tactfully suggest that your parent try the following:

● Post a list showing all the chores that each family member must perform.

● When necessary, redistribute the chores among capable family members.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Taking on responsibilities in the home can help you mature faster than youths in two-parent families, who often have less responsibility.

ACTION PLAN!

I will counteract my negative feelings by ․․․․․

If people are overly sensitive around me, I will say ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why do some people display prejudice toward children of single parents?

● Why might your parent be reluctant to ask you to help with chores?

● How can you express appreciation for your parent?

[Blurb on page 211]

“Since my parents’ divorce, my mother and I are really able to talk; we have become very close.”​—Melanie

[Picture on page 210, 211]

A single-parent family is like a rowboat with a missing crew member​—the rest of the team will have to work a bit harder, but they can succeed if they pull together

SECTION 6

My Journal​—Your Parents

Write about the most difficult challenge you face at home and why you find it so hard to deal with.

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After reading this section, how do you plan to cope with the problem you just wrote about?

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