One stepfather confessed: “I was not really prepared to deal with all the problems related to bringing up my stepchildren. I went into the situation thinking that now that I had married their mother, I was their father. It was as simple as that! I did not understand the children’s attachment to their biological father, and I made many mistakes.”

One man who became a stepfather describes his very real problems: “I was often too concerned about my own feelings to analyze the emotions of my stepchildren or even of my wife. I had to learn to be less sensitive. Most important, I had to learn to be humble.” Love helped him to make the needed changes.

The Biological Parent

Love can help in handling the children’s relationship with their now absent biological parent. A stepfather confides: “I wanted to have first place in my stepchildren’s affections. When they visited their biological father, I found it hard to resist the temptation to criticize him. When they returned after a pleasant day with him, I felt terrible. When they had a bad day, I was elated. Really, I was afraid of losing them. One of the most difficult things was to come to terms with the importance of the biological father’s role in my stepchildren’s lives.”

Genuine love helped this stepfather to face the fact that it was unrealistic to expect “instant” love. He should not have felt rejected when the children did not immediately accept him. He came to realize that he may never completely replace the biological father in his children’s hearts. The children had known this man from their earliest days, while the stepfather was a newcomer who would have to work for the children’s love. Researcher Elizabeth Einstein reflects the experience of many when she says: “The biological parent can never be replaced​—never. Even a parent who is dead or one who has abandoned the children retains an important place in the children’s lives.”

One Christian elder relates that it was often difficult to get his stepchildren up on Sunday morning to share in congregation worship. Rather than berating them, he tried kindness. He got up early, prepared breakfast, then took each of them a warm drink. As a result, they were much more inclined to heed his appeal to get up.

What if the stepparent is the father? Does not the Bible say that the father is the head of the family? Yes. (Ephesians 5:22, 23; 6:1, 2) However, a stepfather may wish to delegate the matter of discipline for a while, especially if it involves punishment. He may allow the children to obey ‘the law of their mother’ while he lays a foundation for them to ‘listen to the discipline of their [new] father.’ (Proverbs 1:8; 6:20; 31:1) Evidence shows that, in the long run, this does not work against the principle of headship. In addition, one stepfather says: “I remembered that discipline includes admonition, correction, and reproof. When this is given in a just, loving, and compassionate way and is backed up by parental example, it usually works.”

One mother who remarried relates: “The most difficult thing for a mother is to see the stepfather disciplining her children, especially if she feels that he is acting hastily or is not truly just. It breaks her heart, and she wants to defend her children. At such times, it is hard to remain subject to one’s husband and support him.

“On one occasion, my two boys, aged 12 and 14, asked their stepfather’s permission to do something. He immediately refused and then left the room without giving the boys any opportunity to explain why the request was important to them. The boys were ready to cry, and I was speechless. The older boy looked at me and said: ‘Mom, did you see what he did?’ I answered: ‘Yes, I did. But he is still the head of the house, and the Bible tells us to respect headship.’ They were good boys and agreed with this, and they calmed down a little. That same evening, I explained things to my husband, and he realized that he had been too authoritarian. He went straight to the boys’ room and apologized.

“We learned a lot from that incident. My husband learned to listen before making decisions. I learned to uphold the principle of headship, even when it hurts. The boys learned the importance of being in subjection. (Colossians 3:18, 19) And my husband’s heartfelt apology taught us all an important lesson in humility. (Proverbs 29:23) Today, both sons are Christian elders.”

(Of course, stepfathers should be careful to observe proper boundaries with their stepdaughters and not make them feel uncomfortable.