The Age-​Old In-​Law Conflict

“I CAN’T stand the sight of your face!” Fujiko screamed at her mother-​in-​law, Tomiko. Fujiko was tired of being ordered around. Although she had managed to keep calm on the surface, she was living in anguish. “Within myself I felt bitter,” she says. “I was not myself. I just couldn’t stand living like that every day.”

An old woman living alone in Japan states: “I was abandoned by my son and his wife. Now I don’t have to worry about others, and I live my life as I please, but I do feel lonely when the sun goes down.”

The age-​old conflict between mother-​in-​law and daughter-​in-​law is universal. “Regrettably,” remarks Dulcie Boling, a magazine editor in Australia, “some women will always be jealous of their daughters-​in-​law. . . . There is very little you can do, except grin and bear it.” In the Orient, there are even legends of old women being abandoned in the mountains, an action instigated by their daughters-​in-​law.

Today, this conflict is more complicated than ever. According to statistics, life expectancy is increasing, families are becoming smaller, and the gap between the mortality rates of men and women is widening. What has been the result? As more women live into their 70’s and 80’s, the conflict between mothers and their daughters-​in-​law has become a grueling marathon, not the 100-​yard [100 m] dash it used to be.

What Do the Elderly Want?

Such conflicts notwithstanding, how do aged parents want to be looked after if they have a choice? “Over the last two decades,” say Jacob S. Siegel and Cynthia M. Taeuber, researchers in demography, “both women and men were much less inclined to live with other people if they no longer had a spouse.” Elaine M. Brody, former director of the Department of Human Services, adds that in the United States, “living apart from one’s relatives is the preferred arrangement among the elderly.” Often, their children live nearby, visit, and take care of them.

The Orientals prefer it another way. According to an international survey by the Management and Coordination Agency in Japan, the majority of the elderly in Japan and Thailand want to live with their kin. The survey finds that 61 percent of the elderly in Thailand and 51 percent in Japan actually do so.

Of course, this option is also common in the West. Very old or bedridden parents often do live with their children. In France it is common for those over 75 years of age who survive the death of their mates to live with one of their children.

Accepting the Pros and Cons

When two or three generations decide to live under one roof, there are, of course, certain advantages. The aged feel more secure and less lonely. The younger generation can learn from the experience of the older ones, and there are economic benefits as well.

On the other hand, living together can snarl an already entangled in-​law relationship. In Japan, for example, where aged parents have traditionally lived with the eldest son and his family, the conflict between mothers and daughters-​in-​law is proverbial.

If you are faced with such a situation, what can you do? In his book America’s Older Population, Paul E. Zopf, Jr., professor of sociology at Guilford College, says: “The family also generates conflict and the opportunity for conflict management. The ability to control conflict and to interact productively with elderly members may be a skill that carries over into other relationships.”

So take a positive view of the matter. If you learn to control family conflicts, you will probably become more skillful at managing other thorny situations as well. Accept it as a challenge, and you will be a better person for it. Let us examine the problems of living with in-​laws and see how such problems can be dealt with successfully. And even if you are not presently living under such an arrangement, you can still benefit from considering the principles involved.

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More Parents Than Children

Now, for the first time in history, according to demographer Samuel Preston, the average married couple has more parents than children. The issue facing many of today’s couples is how to balance their responsibilities to look after two sets of parents.

What Causes the Problem?

“TOO much salt is not good for the family!” declares the mother. “But the food is so bland and tasteless!” insists the daughter-​in-​law. She drops in a pinch of salt when the mother’s back is turned.

With each trying to have her way, both end up eating a dish that neither one of them enjoys. But the consequences may be far more serious than that. In-law friction may lead to mental and emotional struggles that last for years.

To many, this kind of conflict seems unavoidable. “However well a family seems to be getting along together, there is bound to be friction between a mother and her daughter-​in-​law,” writes Dr. Shigeta Saito, chairman of the Japan Mental Hospital Association. But the problem is not limited to the Orient.

Awake! correspondent in Italy reports that “the custom of getting married and moving in to live with the parents of either the bride or the groom has caused problems in many families, and many a young wife suffers because of the often meddlesome and authoritarian attitude of her mother-​in-​law.”

In the countries of both East and West, newspapers and magazines abound with personal-​advice columns dealing with in-​law conflicts. What, then, may cause the problems?

Who Makes the Decisions?

When two women share a kitchen, the issue often is: Who makes the decisions? “Our tastes and methods differ, and I was flustered every time a disagreement arose,” says a woman who has lived with her mother-​in-​law for more than 12 years.

“For the first ten years, we confronted each other on trivia,” admits another daughter-​in-​law. Disagreements may rise over things as insignificant as how to hang shirts on the clothesline. Even if the women do not live in the same house, the situation may be troublesome. A visiting mother-​in-​law who makes such comments as, “My son doesn’t like his steak done that way,” may result in lifelong hard feelings. It all comes down to who makes what decisions and for whom.

Pointing to this issue, Takako Sodei, assistant professor of homemaking at Ochanomizu Women’s University says: “Whether one lives with a son and daughter-​in-​law or a daughter and son-​in-​law, it is impossible for a household to support two wives competing with each other for control. It is necessary to have separate living space or adjust the situation and let one be the homemaker and the other a subhomemaker.” The two generations must come to a reasonable agreement based on the physical and mental condition of the older and the experience, or lack of experience, of the younger.

The Matter of Privacy

When two or more generations live in the same quarters, family members must sacrifice their privacy to some extent. In this, however, each member is likely to have a different yardstick. A young couple may yearn for more privacy, while the elderly may thirst for more companionship.

For example, a daughter-​in-​law living near Tokyo felt that her mother-​in-​law invaded the couple’s privacy. How so? By taking in the personal laundry of her and her husband, folding it, and putting it away. She did not consider it proper for her mother-​in-​law to do these personal things for them. On the other hand, her mother-​in-​law, Tokiko, became distressed when her daughter-​in-​law, in tidying up the house, discarded items that Tokiko had cherished for years.

Invasion of privacy can become extreme. Tom and his wife, who took care of Tom’s elderly mother, were disturbed by her excursions into their bedroom in the middle of the night. Her reason? “I wanted to see if Tom was all right,” said the mother. The problem was not solved until they moved into a two-​story apartment and the mother was forbidden to come upstairs.

In many families, though, it is when the third generation comes along that problems really intensify.

Dealing With Children

Nowadays, it is common for a young mother to consult various books for advice on child care. On the other hand, grandmother, with her years of experience in child training, naturally feels that she is the one qualified to give advice. That advice, however, is often viewed as criticism, and conflict results.

Takako had to deal with this problem when she disciplined her young son. Her husband’s mother and grandmother rushed into her room to stop her, shouting even louder than the crying baby. Feeling intimidated, Takako stopped disciplining her son. Later, realizing the importance of providing discipline, she decided to resume such training.​—Proverbs 23:13; Hebrews 12:11.

A mother who lives in Yokohama also struggled with her mother-​in-​law after the children were born. The mother was annoyed that grandmother gave the children snacks between meals so that they were too full to eat their meals.

Commenting on this problem, Dr. Saito says: “[Grandparents] give sweets and allowances to their grandchildren. They indulge the selfish wishes of the young. In short, they spoil their grandchildren endlessly.” He advises that young mothers make it clear that they will make no concessions on child training.

Vying for Affection

In this conflict between mothers-​in-​law and daughters-​in-​law, there is something quite irrational at work. “Psychologically speaking,” explains Dr. Saito, “the mother feels that her daughter-​in-​law has snatched her son away from her. Of course, she does not orally express such a thought, as that is too childish. But, subconsciously, the thought of being robbed of her son’s affection is deeply rooted in her.” The result is a strained relationship, if not outright rivalry between the two of them.

This tendency seems to intensify as the size of families decreases. With fewer children to care for, the mother feels closer to her son. After years of living with her son, she is well aware of his likes and dislikes. Though the new bride is anxious to please her husband, she lacks this intimate knowledge, at least at first. A competitive spirit may therefore easily develop, with mother and daughter-​in-​law vying for the affections of the same man.

A Tragic Shift

In the old days in Japan under Confucian philosophy, when such family conflicts occurred, the daughter-​in-​law was sent away​—divorced. And that was the end of the matter. Today, however, it is a different situation.

Since World War II, the younger generation has taken control of the family purse, and the older generation is losing its influence and authority. Gradually, the situation has reversed. Now elderly parents are being abandoned in hospitals and institutions. How tragic to see this plight in a society where respect for the elderly used to be the norm!

How can the tendency to dump the elderly be reversed? Is there any way for two women to coexist peacefully under the same roof?

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Reasonable agreement must be reached as to who makes the decisions

Enjoying a Warm In-​Law Relationship

FUJIKO, the anguished daughter-​in-​law mentioned in the opening article, finally pursuaded her husband to move out of his parents’ apartment and into one next door. But things did not improve much. Interference by her in-​laws continued, and her gloom lingered on. Then one day a stranger called on her.

That visit started Fujiko on a course that resulted in a changed personality, and this improved her relationship with others. She began to study the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses. In time, her attitude changed so much that her father-​in-​law wanted to attend the studies to see for himself ‘what kind of religion it was that had so changed her personality.’

Recognizing the New Bond

The Bible gives a clear picture of the Scriptural marriage arrangement. After God created the first human pair and brought them together, he established the following principle: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) So the new couple must recognize that they have entered into a new bond. They must now stick to each other as an independent unit even though they may live with their in-​laws.

Leaving father and mother, however, does not mean that children when they get married can turn their backs on their parents and that they no longer need to respect and honor them. “Do not despise your mother just because she has grown old,” admonishes the Bible. (Proverbs 23:22) Yet, with marriage, there is an adjustment in relationships. As long as each member of the family keeps this well in mind, the young couple can benefit from the experience and the wisdom of the parents.

Timothy, the reputable young man whom the apostle Paul took on his missionary journeys, was brought up by his Jewish mother, Eunice. However, his grandmother Lois evidently also had a hand in shaping his life. (2 Timothy 1:5; 3:15) This is not to say that grandmothers have the right to interfere in child training and set up standards different from those of the parents. There is an appropriate manner in which the older generation can help the younger in training children.​—Titus 2:3-5.

“The Truly Wise Woman”

If two generations are to cooperate in such a sensitive issue as child training, both must act in wisdom. “The truly wise woman has built up her house,” says a Bible proverb, “but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands.” (Proverbs 14:1) How can a woman build up her house? Tomiko says that it was communication that helped her to mend her relationship with her daughter-​in-​law, Fujiko. “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” counsels the Bible.​—Proverbs 15:22.

Communication does not mean blurting out everything on your mind without regard for the feelings of others. Here is where wisdom comes into play. “A wise person will listen” to what others have to say. Sometimes your in-​laws may have something to say, but they hesitate to express themselves. Be discerning, and ‘draw their thoughts up.’ Then ‘meditate’ before you speak.​—Proverbs 1:5; 15:28; 20:5.

Timing is very important. “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it,” says a Bible proverb. (Proverbs 25:11) Tokiko and her daughter-​in-​law say that they wait till the right time before they express opinions that may rub the other the wrong way. “I try to think before talking when I want to point out something to my daughter-​in-​law,” says Tokiko. “I keep the points in my mind and speak when she is in a good mood and is not hungry. You see, it is easy to get irritated when you are hungry.”

A wise woman will refrain from speaking ill of her in-​laws. “Whether we are mothers-​in-​law or daughters-​in-​law, we should be aware that whatever ill we speak of the other party, it will eventually be known to them,” says Sumie Tanaka, a Japanese writer who lived with her mother-​in-​law for 30 years. Rather, she advocates speaking well of in-​laws directly and indirectly.

What, though, if your in-​laws do not respond to your efforts?

Be Forgiving

Serious problems between in-​laws often result from things that would cause no problem if they were done or said by someone else. Since all of us are imperfect and “stumble in word,” at times we may ‘speak thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword.’ (James 3:2; Proverbs 12:18) Yet, it is wise not to get upset at every thoughtless word.

Those who have overcome in-​law problems have heeded the Bible counsel: “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another.” (Colossians 3:13) True, it may not be easy to put up with your in-​laws and forgive them, especially when there is a cause for complaint. But a strong incentive for doing so is the assurance that we will thereby receive forgiveness from God himself for our mistakes.​—Matthew 6:14, 15.

Even in Oriental lands, where people traditionally follow Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, and Shinto, there are many who have studied the Bible and have come to appreciate the truth about the benevolent Creator. Such appreciation has helped them to overcome seemingly insurmountable feelings of bitterness.

“Love Never Fails”

A happy in-​law relationship needs a sure foundation. Helping an aged or sick in-​law out of a sense of obligation does not always make for the best relationship. Haruko learned this when her mother-​in-​law was dying of cancer. She spent most of her day in the hospital caring for her mother-​in-​law, and in addition, she took care of her own family. She was under so much stress that she eventually lost most of her hair.

One day while tending her mother-​in-​law’s nails, she unintentionally cut one to the quick. “You don’t really care about me!” snapped the mother-​in-​law.

Shocked by those unappreciative words, Haruko could not hold back her tears. Then she realized that the words hurt so much because she had been doing everything for her mother-​in-​law out of a sense of obligation. She decided to let the motivating force for her service be that of love. (Ephesians 5:1, 2) This enabled her to overcome her hurt feelings and resulted in a restored relationship with her mother-​in-​law until she died.

Indeed, love as defined in the Bible is the key to quieting family discord. Read what the apostle Paul said about it, and see if you do not agree. “Love is long-​suffering and kind,” he wrote. “Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” No wonder Paul added: “Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) How can you cultivate such love?

The Bible lists “love” as part of “the fruitage” of God’s spirit. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Thus, in addition to your own efforts, it is essential to have the spirit of God if you are to cultivate this kind of love. Further, you can ask Jehovah, the God of the Bible, to help you to add love like his to your personality. (1 John 4:8) All of this, of course, requires that you learn about him by studying his Word, the Bible. Jehovah’s Witnesses will be most happy to assist you, as they did Fujiko and many others.

As you apply what you learn from the Bible, you will find that not only will your relationship with God improve but so will your relationship with everyone around you, including your in-​laws. You will experience what the Bible promises, namely, “the peace of God that excels all thought.”​—Philippians 4:6, 7.

Fujiko and others mentioned in these articles came to enjoy such peace​—and so can you. Yes, by looking to Jehovah God and following the counsel of his Word, the Bible, you too can build and maintain a warm relationship with your in-​laws.