Young People Ask . . .

What Should I Do if My Parents Fight?

WHEN the two people you love more than anyone else in the world are “biting and devouring one another” with hurtful words, life can be a daily nightmare. (Galatians 5:15) True, even the best of marriages will suffer some “tribulation.” (1 Corinthians 7:28) But when parental bickering is unrelenting, vicious, or even violent, something is seriously wrong.

Little wonder, then, that some youths desperately try to patch up their parents’ marriage. “I’ve gotten right in the middle of a fight and tried to take my father out of the room so they’d stop fighting,” said one teenage boy. Others withdraw in frustrated silence. “I try to stay away from them when they have these fights, so I won’t be depressed about it,” said one young girl. “But then I feel guilty for not trying to help.”

So just what should you do when a family feud erupts?

What Not to Do

Don’t Treat Them Disrespectfully: It is easy to become fed up with bickering parents. After all, they’re supposed to set the example for you​—not vice versa. Treating a parent contemptuously, though, will likely only add to family tensions. More important, Jehovah God commands youths to respect and obey their parents, even when they make it hard to do so.​—Exodus 20:12; compare Proverbs 30:17.

Don’t Take Sides: “Sometimes when my parents are arguing,” said one teenage girl, “one of them will ask me what I think. It really makes me nervous.” Of course, when an issue directly involves you, a mild, respectful answer may be appropriate.​—Proverbs 15:1.

Or it may be that one of your parents is a Christian and the other is an unbeliever. Religious difficulties may arise in which you may find it necessary to take a stand for righteousness along with the God-fearing parent. (Matthew 10:34-37) Even so, it should be done “with a mild temper and deep respect” so that the unbelieving parent may one day be won over.​—1 Peter 3:15.

But when a squabble is clearly their dispute, it is usually wise to remain neutral.a Proverbs 26:17 warns: “As one grabbing hold of the ears of a dog is anyone passing by that is becoming furious at the quarrel that is not his.” If you take sides, you risk arousing the resentment of​—and perhaps alienating—​one of your parents.

A youth who takes sides in a parental dispute is also trying to “get a handle on a situation that’s really too complicated to understand.” So said family counselor Mitchell Rosen in ’Teen magazine. Marital disputes, he said, “involve a great number of factors, and it’s not just a matter of she’s right, he’s wrong.” Often, at the core of a dispute are grievances and resentments that have built up over a period of years. So when Dad or Mom complains because supper is a few minutes late or because the bathroom sink was left dirty, there may be much more involved than meets the eye.

The Bible exhorts: “If possible, as far as it depends upon you, be peaceable with all men.” (Romans 12:18) So try to stay neutral. What, though, if your parents pressure you to take sides? “Anyone holding back his sayings,” says the Bible, “is possessed of knowledge.” (Proverbs 17:27) Yes, refrain from voicing​—or worse yet, screaming—​your opinion. Perhaps you can excuse yourself graciously by saying something like, ‘Mom and Dad, I love you both. But please don’t ask me to take sides. This is something you have to work out between yourselves.’

Don’t Join in the Bickering: Two loud voices are bad enough. Why add a third voice to the chorus? Proverbs 15:18 says: “An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling.” Simply refuse to jump into the fray. And if you sense that a fight is about to erupt, recall the words of Proverbs 17:14: “The beginning of contention is as one letting out waters; so before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave.”

Perhaps you can simply excuse yourself and go to your room and read, study, or play music. Or it may be a good time to visit a friend. Finding something productive to do removes you from the scene of contention and helps you get your mind off matters.

Don’t Try to Be a Marriage Counselor: As a proverb puts it: “There are contentions that are like the bar of a dwelling tower.” (Proverbs 18:19) Quarreling parents have often built up a barrier of resentment that is as formidable as “the bar of a dwelling tower.” Do you have either the knowledge or the experience in life to help them tear that barrier down? Not likely.

Presuming to involve yourself in your parents’ marital troubles may make them worse. Says Proverbs 13:10: “By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” Yes, likely your parents can better work out their difficulties by consulting together privately.​—Compare Proverbs 25:9.

Besides, the role of family mediator may be a more demanding job than you realize. In her book Teen Troubles, Carolyn McClenahan Wesson tells of a young girl named Cora who tried her hand at playing marriage counselor. The result? Her parents’ marriage improved, but Cora developed stomach problems. Concludes Carolyn Wesson: “Let your parents handle their problems. You have enough to deal with just being an adolescent.”

Don’t Play the Parents Against Each Other: Some youths scheme to turn domestic friction to their advantage. When Mom says, “No!” they play on Dad’s emotions and squeeze a “Yes” out of him. Clever parental manipulation may gain one some freedom, but in the long run it only prolongs family strife. A youth who truly honors his parents will not resort to such power play.

Don’t Aggravate the Situation: Lazy or surly behavior, acting up in school, letting your grades slip​—these simply compound your problems. Take responsibility for your actions, and do not let your parents’ distraction be an excuse for unruly conduct. Go out of your way to be helpful and cooperative.

Surviving Family Crisis

Clearly, you cannot change your parents. You can, however, try to influence them for good. Try to be as optimistic and cheerful as you can. Remember, love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7) Never stop praying for things to improve. (Philippians 4:6, 7) Family counselor Clayton Barbeau further recommends: “Let [your parents] know independently that you love each of them.” That alone may ease family tensions.

You can also try urging your parents to get help. This should not be done in the heat of an argument. Proverbs 25:11 speaks of the ‘right word at the right time.’ That would likely be when things have settled down and your parents are in a more receptive mood. (If one parent is particularly touchy, try approaching the one who seems more inclined to discuss matters reasonably.)

Begin by assuring them of your love. Then calmly explain to them how their squabbling affects you. This will not be easy. In her book Trouble at Home, Sara Gilbert admits that such attempts may be met with, “It’s none of your business​—stay out of it!” She advises, however, that “you need to make it clear that it is your business.” Tell them how their fighting frightens, upsets, or angers you. Although you do not want to interfere with their lives, their fighting is very much disrupting your life! Suggest that your parents seek help​—perhaps by approaching a trusted Christian elder.b

Being brought face-to-face with the effects of their marital strife, your parents may be moved to give serious attention to working out their problems​—and maybe even stop fighting.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 18]

Can young people effectively mediate parental disputes?