Young People Ask . . .

What if My Parent Has Disgraced Us?

JACOB’S dad used to be a respected Christian overseer in an African land. But when he left Jacob’s mother to live with another woman, Jacob’s father was expelled from the Christian congregation. Matters went from bad to worse when he then began to drink heavily. “In this state,” recalls Jacob, “he would come to school and embarrass me in front of my teachers and schoolmates.”a

Another African youth, whom we will call David, likewise saw his father expelled from the Christian congregation as an unrepentant wrongdoer. “I could not believe it,” says David. “I always looked upon him as my model. My worst fear was that no one would want to associate with the family of a disfellowshipped person.”

When a parent drags the family name through the mud by getting involved in scandalous conduct, or even by getting arrested, it is not at all unusual to feel disgraced, humiliated, and afraid of the future. You may sometimes feel like the psalmist who wrote: “All day long my humiliation is in front of me, and the shame of my own face has covered me.”​—Psalm 44:15.

As a result of your parent’s conduct, you may feel awkward and embarrassed in the company of friends and acquaintances. Some of them may likewise seem to be ill at ease in your presence. Certain cruel youths may even take delight in teasing you about your parent’s predicament, or adults may soberly warn you that you could very well turn out the same way.

Not Your Fault!

A popular saying in ancient times declared: “The parents ate the sour grapes, but the children got the sour taste.” (Ezekiel 18:2, Today’s English Version) Youths today may likewise feel they are being made to taste the fruits of their parent’s misconduct. After his father was expelled from the congregation, young David felt very hurt and wondered whether God was punishing him.

But was he? True, God warned the nation of Israel that he was “bringing punishment for the error of fathers upon sons.” (Exodus 20:5) At one point, for instance, Jehovah sent the entire nation into exile in distant Babylon. While this was due primarily to the misconduct of grown-​ups, the exile no doubt brought hardship upon the Israelite children. Still, God continued to favor Israelite youths, such as Daniel and his companions, who faithfully continued worshiping him.​—Daniel 3:28, 30.

So while your parent’s deflection may cause you much grief and pain, you need not fear that you have lost God’s favor or blessing. Consider the words of Jehovah at Ezekiel 18:14, 17 that followed the earlier-​quoted saying about bitter grapes: “Look! one has become father to a son, who keeps seeing all the sins of his father that he has done, and he sees and does not do things like them. . . . He himself will not die because of the error of his father. He will positively keep living.”

Note, though, that in order to keep living, you must chart a course different from the one followed by your wayward parent. “Let each one prove what his own work is,” urges the Bible, “and then he will have cause for exultation in regard to himself alone, and not in comparison with the other person.”​—Galatians 6:4.

Proving Yourself to Be Different

Consider, for example, the young king of ancient Judah named Josiah. Both his father and his grandfather were notorious idolaters. Yet, Josiah himself “proceeded to do what was right in Jehovah’s eyes.” (2 Kings 21:19, 20; 22:1, 2) King Hezekiah’s father, Ahaz, was another king who set a wretched example. Ahaz closed the doors of Jehovah’s temple and offered up his own sons in sacrifice to a pagan god! (2 Chronicles 28:1-3, 24, 25) Hezekiah, though, proved to be different from his father. At age 25 he began to rule and immediately began restoring true worship in Judah.​—2 Kings 18:1-5.

The sons of Korah set a similar example. Prior to the nation of Israel’s entry to the Promised Land, Korah, a prominent Levite, led a rebellion against Moses and Aaron. The revolt, however, was quickly squashed when Korah and his followers were executed by an earthquake and by fire from heaven. Interestingly, though, Korah’s sons survived. (Numbers 26:9-11) It seems that they did not side with their father in this rebellion. No doubt these sons of Korah felt disgraced by their father’s wicked course. But Jehovah blessed Korah’s descendants because they stuck to his Law. Among the most beautiful expressions found in the Bible are words penned by the sons of Korah.​—See Psalms 45, 48, 84, 85, 87, and Ps 88.

Like Josiah, Hezekiah, and the sons of Korah, many Christian youths today have proved to be different from wayward parents. Consider a teenager we will call Maxwell. His parents were once faithful Witnesses of Jehovah but became apostate opposers of Christianity. On one occasion his parents carried banners and demonstrated outside the grounds of a Christian convention that Maxwell was attending. “It was very embarrassing,” he explains. “Some who didn’t know that they were my parents said to me, ‘Have you seen those stupid apostates outside?’” However, Maxwell did not follow his parents’ rebellious course. And with the support of faithful family members and other Christian associates, he has been able to cope with feelings of embarrassment and shame.

Maxwell, Jacob, and David (mentioned earlier) have indeed risen above their family situation. All currently serve as ministers at a branch office of the Watch Tower Society in Africa. “I know that I may still have to face embarrassment from my parents in the future,” says Maxwell, “but I also know that if I rely on Jehovah, he will give me strength to endure.”

Dealing With Feelings

Help may particularly be needed to cope with the distressing feelings evoked by your parent’s shameful conduct. “When I see my mother [drunk],” wrote 15-​year-​old Charmaine, “it is as if something inside me is dying . . . I get so angry . . . My friends must never find out about my mother’s problem, because I still have my pride.” (Alcohol Abuse​—The Incredible Lie! by Henri Naudé) An English proverb reminds us, however, that “a sorrow shared is but half a trouble.” For one thing, your parent’s problem may be common knowledge anyway. So why treat it as some unutterable secret? And even where discretion is prudent, does it make any sense to allow your hostile feelings to build up? Would it not help to find a mature Christian in whom you can confide? In this way you could receive good words of encouragement.​—Proverbs 12:25; 16:24.

Reflecting on Bible principles is another effective way of dealing with negative feelings. Admits Jacob: “The things my father did created hatred for him in my heart.” However, hatred will not improve the situation, nor is it in harmony with the Bible’s command to honor one’s father and mother. (Ephesians 6:1-3) Rather than hate your parent personally, you should have a healthy hatred of your parent’s wrongdoing. (Compare Proverbs 8:13; Jude 23.) It is even proper to obey and show respect for a wayward parent. Manifesting and expressing your continued love may help move that parent to make needed changes.

Young Jacob had another common problem​—the tendency to compare himself with other youths whose circumstances were better. However, he came to realize how fruitless such thinking is. “Rather than dwelling on such thoughts,” says Jacob, “it is more helpful to concentrate on ways of coping with the situation.” Jacob found that reading Bible literature and meditating on the life course of faithful Christians was a great help.

Close association with the Christian congregation can also prove helpful. There you can find spiritual “brothers and sisters and mothers.” (Mark 10:30) Young David feared that members of the congregation might avoid him because of his father’s disfellowshipping. But he found that his fears were totally unjustified. “In the congregation,” he explains, “we weren’t made to feel like outcasts, as I thought would be the case. Friends still came to visit us. All of this convinced me that the congregation really cared.”

There is no question that having a wayward parent can be painful and devastating. But you need not despair. Think about the experiences of those mentioned here. Seek the help of loving friends. Do not show disrespect for your parents; your faithful course may eventually move them to change. (Compare 1 Peter 3:1, 2.) And regardless of what happens, remember that your standing before God does not depend on the conduct of your parents. It depends on you!

[Footnotes]

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You do not have to follow your parent’s wayward course