“Maybe This Time He’ll Change”

ROXANAa is a vivacious, attractive mother of four children, married to a well-respected surgeon in South America. “My husband is charming with the ladies, popular with the men,” she says. But there is a dark side to Roxana’s mate, one that even their close friends do not see. “At home, he’s a monster. He’s intensely jealous.”

Roxana’s face is etched with anxiety as she continues her story. “The problem began after we’d been married for just a few weeks. My brothers and my mother visited us, and I had such a good time talking and laughing with them. But when they left, my husband violently threw me onto the sofa, wild with rage. I couldn’t believe what was happening.”

Sadly, that was just the beginning of Roxana’s ordeal, for over the years, she has been battered repeatedly. The abuse seems to follow a predictable cycle. Roxana’s husband beats her, then he apologizes profusely and promises never to do it again. His conduct improves—at least for a while. Then the nightmare starts all over. “I keep thinking that maybe this time he’ll change,” Roxana says. “Even when I run away, I always go back to him.”

Roxana fears that one day her husband’s violence will escalate further. “He has threatened to kill me, the children, and himself,” she says. “One time he put scissors to my throat. Another time he threatened me with a gun, pointed it at my ear, and pulled the trigger! Fortunately, there was no bullet, but I nearly died from fright.”

A Legacy of Silence

Like Roxana, millions of women worldwide are suffering at the hands of violent men.b Many of them remain silent about their ordeal. They reason that reporting the matter will prove futile. After all, many an abusive husband has simply denied charges with such statements as “My wife is excitable” or “She tends to exaggerate.”

It is sad that many women live with a constant fear of attack in the one place they should feel the safest—their own home. Yet, sympathy is all too often shown to the perpetrator instead of the victim. Indeed, some cannot bring themselves to believe that a man who appears to be an upstanding citizen would beat his mate. Consider what happened to a woman named Anita when she spoke up about the abuse she was receiving from her well-respected husband. “One of our acquaintances said to me: ‘How can you accuse such a fine man?’ Another said that I must somehow be provoking him! Even after my husband was exposed, some of my friends began avoiding me. They felt that I should have put up with it because ‘that’s the way men are.’”

As Anita’s experience shows, many find it difficult to grasp the grim reality of spouse abuse. What drives a man to be so cruel to the woman he claims to love? How can victims of violence be helped?

[Footnotes]

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The Broad Scope of Domestic Violence

According to the United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women, the term “violence against women” can refer to “any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.” This violence includes, among other things, “physical, sexual and psychological violence occurring in the family and in the general community, including battering, sexual abuse of female children, dowry-related violence, marital rape, female genital mutilation and other traditional practices harmful to women.”

Why Do Men Batter Women?

SOME experts say that women are more likely to be killed by their male partners than by all other types of perpetrators combined. In an effort to stem the tide of spouse abuse, numerous studies have been conducted. What kind of man batters his wife? What was his childhood like? Was he violent during courtship? How does the batterer respond to treatment?

One thing experts have learned is that not all batterers are alike. At one end of the scale is a man whose violence is sporadic. He does not use a weapon and has no history of abusing his mate. For him, a violent episode is out of character and seems to be motivated by external factors. At the other extreme is a man who has developed a chronic pattern of battering. His abuse is ongoing, and there is little, if any, sign of remorse.

However, the fact that there are different kinds of batterers does not mean that some forms of battering aren’t serious. Indeed, any type of physical abuse can cause injury—even death. Hence, the fact that one man’s violence is less frequent or less intense than another’s does not make it excusable. There is simply no such thing as “acceptable” battering. What factors, though, might cause a man to abuse physically the woman he vowed to cherish for the rest of his life?

The Family Connection

Not surprisingly, a number of physically abusive men were themselves raised in abusive families. “Most batterers were brought up in domestic ‘war zones,’” writes Michael Groetsch, who has spent more than two decades researching spouse abuse. “As babies and young children, they grew up in hostile surroundings where emotional and physical violence were ‘normal.’” According to one expert, a male who is raised in such an environment “can absorb his father’s contempt for women very early in life. The boy learns that a man must always be in control of women and that the way to get that control is to scare them, hurt them, and demean them. At the same time, he learns that the one sure way to get his father’s approval is to behave as his father does.”

The Bible makes clear that the conduct of a parent can have a significant impact on a child, either for good or for bad. (Proverbs 22:6; Colossians 3:21) Of course, the family environment does not excuse a man’s battering, but it may help to explain where the seeds of a violent temperament were sown.

Cultural Influence

In some lands beating a woman is considered acceptable, even normal. “The right of a husband to beat or physically intimidate his wife is a deeply held conviction in many societies,” states a United Nations report.

Even in lands where such abuse is not considered acceptable, many individuals adopt a violent code of conduct. The irrational thinking of some men in this regard is shocking. According to South Africa’s Weekly Mail and Guardian, a study in the Cape Peninsula found that the majority of men who claimed that they do not abuse their mates felt that hitting a woman was acceptable and that such conduct does not constitute violence.

Evidently, such a warped view often begins in childhood. In Britain, for example, one study showed that 75 percent of boys aged 11 and 12 feel that it is acceptable for a man to hit a woman if he is provoked.

No Excuse for Battering

The above factors may help to explain spouse abuse, but they do not excuse it. Put simply, beating one’s mate is a gross sin in God’s eyes. In his Word, the Bible, we read: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does the congregation.”—Ephesians 5:28, 29.

The Bible long ago foretold that during “the last days” of this system of things, many would be “abusive,” with “no natural affection,” and “fierce.” (2 Timothy 3:1-3; The New English Bible) The prevalence of spouse abuse is simply another indication that we are living in the very time period designated by this prophecy. But what can be done to support victims of physical abuse? Is there any hope that batterers can change their course of behavior?

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“A batterer who has assaulted his wife is no less a criminal than a man who has punched a stranger.”—When Men Batter Women

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Machismo—A Global Problem

Latin America has given the word “machismo” to the English-speaking world. It refers to aggressive masculine pride and implies an abusive attitude toward women. But machismo is by no means confined to Latin America, as the following reports indicate.

Egypt: A three-month study in Alexandria indicated that domestic violence is the principal cause of injuries to women. It is the cause of 27.9 percent of all visits by women to local trauma services.—Résumé 5 of the Fourth World Conference on Women.

Thailand: In Bangkok’s largest suburb, 50 percent of married women are beaten regularly.—Pacific Institute for Women’s Health.

Hong Kong: “The number of women who say they have been beaten by their partners has soared by more than 40 per cent in the past year.”—South China Morning Post, July 21, 2000.

Japan: The number of women seeking shelter rose from 4,843 in 1995 to 6,340 in 1998. “About one-third said they were seeking shelter because of violent behavior by their husbands.”—The Japan Times, September 10, 2000.

Britain: “A rape, beating or stabbing occurs in a home somewhere across Britain every six seconds.” According to a Scotland Yard report, “police receive 1,300 calls from victims of domestic violence every day—more than 570,000 a year. Eighty-one per cent are female victims attacked by males.”—The Times, October 25, 2000.

Peru: Seventy percent of all crimes reported to police involve women beaten by their husbands.—Pacific Institute for Women’s Health.

Russia: “In one year, 14,500 Russian women were killed by their husbands, and a further 56,400 were disabled or badly injured in domestic attacks.”—The Guardian.

China: “It is a new problem. It’s rapidly increasing, especially in urban areas,” says Professor Chen Yiyun, director of the Jinglun Family Center. “Pressure from neighbours no longer checks domestic violence.”—The Guardian.

Nicaragua: “Violence against women in Nicaragua is soaring. One survey claimed that last year alone 52 per cent of Nicaraguan women suffered some form of domestic violence at the hands of their men.”—BBC News.

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Risk Indicators

According to a study directed by Richard J. Gelles at the University of Rhode Island, U.S.A., the following are risk indicators for physical and emotional abuse in the domestic setting:

1. The man has previous involvement with domestic violence.

2. He is out of work.

3. He uses illegal drugs at least once a year.

4. When he lived at home, he saw his father hit his mother.

5. The couple are not married; they cohabit.

6. If employed, he has a low-paying job.

7. He did not graduate from high school.

8. He is between 18 and 30 years of age.

9. One or both use violence toward children in the home.

10. Income is below the poverty level.

11. The man and woman are from different cultural backgrounds.

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Domestic violence can seriously affect children

Help for Battered Women

WHAT can be done to help women who are victims of violence? First, one has to understand what they are going through. Often the harm inflicted by batterers is more than physical. Verbal threats and intimidation are usually involved, so that the victim is made to feel worthless and helpless.

Consider Roxana, whose story was recounted in the opening article. Sometimes her husband uses words as weapons. “He calls me demeaning names,” Roxana confides. “He says: ‘You didn’t even finish school. How could you care for the children without me? You’re a lazy, hopeless mother. Do you imagine that the authorities would let you keep the children if you left me?’”

Roxana’s husband maintains his control by keeping a tight rein on money. He does not allow her to use the car, and he calls throughout the day to check on what she is doing. If she expresses a preference, he throws a fit of rage. As a result, Roxana has learned never to express an opinion.

As can be seen, spouse abuse is a complex subject. To be of support, listen with compassion. Remember, it is usually quite difficult for a victim to talk about what has been happening to her. Your goal should be to strengthen the victim as she deals with the situation at her own pace.

Some battered women may need to seek assistance from the authorities. At times, a point of crisis—such as the intervention of the police—can cause an abusive man to see the seriousness of his actions. Admittedly, however, any motivation to change often vanishes once the crisis has passed.

Should the battered wife leave her husband? The Bible does not treat marital separation lightly. At the same time, it does not oblige a battered wife to stay with a man who jeopardizes her health and perhaps her very life. The Christian apostle Paul wrote: “If she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) Since the Bible does not forbid separation in extreme circumstances, what a woman does in this matter is a personal decision. (Galatians 6:5) No one should coax a wife to leave her husband, but neither should anyone pressure a battered woman to stay with an abusive man when her health, life, and spirituality are threatened.

Is There Hope for Batterers?

Spouse abuse is a brazen violation of Bible principles. At Ephesians 4:29, 31, we read: “Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth . . . Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness.”

No husband who claims to be a follower of Christ can really say that he loves his wife if he abuses her. If he were to mistreat his wife, of what value would all his other good works be? A “smiter” does not qualify for special privileges in the Christian congregation. (1 Timothy 3:3; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3) Indeed, any professed Christian who repeatedly and unrepentantly gives in to fits of anger can be disfellowshipped from the Christian congregation.—Galatians 5:19-21; 2 John 9, 10.

Can violent men change their behavior? Some have. Usually, however, a batterer will not change unless he (1) admits that his conduct is improper, (2) wants to change his course, and (3) seeks help. Jehovah’s Witnesses have found that the Bible can be a powerful influence for change. Many interested ones who study the Bible with them have developed a strong desire to please God. Concerning Jehovah God, these new Bible students learn that “anyone loving violence His soul certainly hates.” (Psalm 11:5) Of course, for a batterer to change his behavior involves more than not hitting. It also entails learning a whole new attitude toward his wife.

When a man gains knowledge of God, he learns to view his wife not as a servant but as a “helper” and not as inferior but as one to be ‘honored.’ (Genesis 2:18; 1 Peter 3:7) He also learns compassion and the need to listen to his wife’s viewpoint. (Genesis 21:12; Ecclesiastes 4:1) The program of Bible study that Jehovah’s Witnesses offer has helped many couples. There is no room for a despot, tyrant, or bully in the Christian family.—Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29.

“The word of God is alive and exerts power.” (Hebrews 4:12) Thus, the wisdom contained in the Bible can help couples to analyze the problems they face and give them the courage to deal with them. More than that, the Bible contains the sure and comforting hope of seeing a world without violence when Jehovah’s heavenly King rules over all obedient mankind. The Bible says: “He will deliver the poor one crying for help, also the afflicted one and whoever has no helper. From oppression and from violence he will redeem their soul.”—Psalm 72:12, 14.

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There is no room for a despot, tyrant, or bully in the Christian family

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Correcting Misconceptions

• Battered wives are responsible for their husband’s actions.

Many batterers deny responsibility for their actions, claiming that their wives provoke them. Even some friends of the family may buy into the idea that the wife is difficult to deal with, so no wonder that her husband loses control now and then. But this amounts to blaming the victim and justifying the aggressor. Really, battered wives often make extraordinary efforts to pacify their husbands. Besides, beating one’s partner is never justified under any circumstances. The book The Batterer—A Psychological Profile states: “Men who are sent by the courts to treatment for wife assault are addicted to violence. They use it as a release from anger and depression, a way to take control and resolve conflicts, and a tension reducer. . . . Often, they can’t even acknowledge their role or take the problem seriously.”

• Alcohol causes a man to beat his wife.

Granted, some men are more violent when they have been drinking. But is it reasonable to blame the alcohol? “Being intoxicated gives the batterer something to blame, other than himself, for his behavior,” writes K. J. Wilson in her book When Violence Begins at Home. She continues: “It appears that, in our society, domestic violence is more comprehensible when inflicted by a person who is intoxicated. An abused woman can avoid seeing her partner as abusive, instead thinking of him as a heavy drinker or an alcoholic.” Such thinking, Wilson points out, can give a woman the false hope that “if the man would only stop drinking, the violence would cease.”

Currently, many researchers consider drinking and battering to be two distinct problems. After all, the majority of men with substance-abuse problems do not beat their mates. The writers of When Men Batter Women note: “Battering is fundamentally perpetuated by its success in controlling, intimidating, and subjugating the battered woman. . . . Alcohol and drug abuse are part of the lifestyle of the batterer. But it would be a mistake to assume that the drug use causes the violence.”

• Batterers are violent with everyone.

Often the batterer is capable of being a delightful friend to others. He puts on what can be called the Jekyll-and-Hyde personalities. This is why friends of the family may find the stories of his violence unbelievable. Yet, the truth is, the wife beater chooses brutality as a way to dominate his wife.

• Women do not object to being mistreated.

Likely, this idea stems from not understanding the helpless situation of a woman who has nowhere to run. The battered wife may have friends who will take her in for a week or two, but what will she do after that? Finding a job and paying rent while caring for children are daunting prospects. And the law may forbid running off with the children. Some have tried to leave but were hunted down and taken back, either by force or by charm. Friends who cannot understand may mistakenly believe that such women did not object to the mistreatment.

“Sometimes I Think I Am Dreaming!”

Lourdes gazes at the city from her apartment window, her fingers covering her trembling mouth. She is a Latin-American woman who suffered at the hands of Alfredo, her violent husband, for over 20 years. Alfredo was motivated to change. Yet, it is still difficult for Lourdes to speak of the physical and emotional pain she endured.

“It started just two weeks after our wedding,” Lourdes says in a low voice. “Once, he knocked out two of my teeth. Another time I ducked, and his fist smashed into a wardrobe. But the names hurt even more. He called me ‘useless rubbish’ and treated me as if I had no intelligence. I wanted to leave, but how could I with three children?”

Alfredo touches Lourdes’ shoulder tenderly. “I am a senior professional,” he says. “I felt humiliated when I was issued a summons and handed a protection order. I tried to change, but soon I was acting the same way again.”

How did things change? “The lady at the corner shop is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses,” explains Lourdes, now visibly more relaxed. “She offered to help me understand the Bible. I learned that Jehovah God values women. I started attending the meetings of Jehovah’s Witnesses, even though at first it made Alfredo furious. It was a new experience for me to spend time with friends at the Kingdom Hall. I was amazed to discover that I could have my own beliefs, express them freely, and even teach them to others. I realized that God valued me. This gave me courage.

“There was a turning point that I’ll never forget. Alfredo was still attending Catholic Mass each Sunday, and he was protesting at what I was doing with Jehovah’s Witnesses. I looked him straight in the eye and said calmly but confidently: ‘Alfredo, what you think is not what I think.’ And he didn’t hit me! Not long after, I was baptized, and he has never hit me again in the five years since.”

But greater changes were to come. Alfredo explains: “About three years after Lourdes was baptized, a colleague who is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses invited me to his house, and he explained fascinating things to me from the Bible. Without telling my wife, I began to study the Bible with him. Soon I was accompanying Lourdes to the meetings. Many of the talks I heard there were about family life, and these often left me feeling embarrassed.”

Alfredo was impressed to see congregation members, including men, sweeping the floor after the meetings. When he visited their homes, he saw husbands helping their wives wash the dishes. These small incidents demonstrated to Alfredo how true love acts.

Shortly after, Alfredo was baptized, and now he and his wife serve as full-time ministers. “He often helps me clear the table after meals and make the beds,” says Lourdes. “He commends me on my cooking, and he allows me to make choices—such as what music I would like to listen to or what items we will buy for the house. These are things that Alfredo would never have done before! Recently, for the first time, he bought me a bouquet of flowers. Sometimes I think I am dreaming!”

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“I realized that God valued me. This gave me courage”

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Alfredo was impressed to see congregation members, including men, sweeping the floor after the meetings

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He saw husbands helping their wives wash the dishes

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“Recently, for the first time, he bought me a bouquet of flowers”