Trapped in a Loveless Marriage

“In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy.”—COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.

IT HAS been said that much of life’s happiness and much of its misery emanate from the same source—one’s marriage. Indeed, few things in life have the potential to provide as much ecstasy—or as much anguish. As the accompanying box indicates, many couples are having more than their share of the latter.

But divorce statistics reveal only part of the problem. For each marriage that sinks, countless others remain afloat but are stuck in stagnant waters. “We used to be a happy family, but the last 12 years have been horrible,” confided a woman married for more than 30 years. “My husband is not interested in my feelings. He is truly my worst emotional enemy.” Similarly, a husband of nearly 25 years lamented: “My wife has told me that she doesn’t love me anymore. She says that if we can just exist as roommates and each go our separate ways when it comes to leisure time, the situation can be tolerated.”

Of course, some in such dire straits terminate their marriage. For many, however, divorce is out of the question. Why? According to Dr. Karen Kayser, factors such as children, community stigma, finances, friends, relatives, and religious beliefs might keep a couple together, even in a loveless state. “Unlikely to divorce legally,” she says, “these spouses choose to remain with a partner from whom they are emotionally divorced.”

Must a couple whose relationship has cooled resign themselves to a life of dissatisfaction? Is a loveless marriage the only alternative to divorce? Experience proves that many troubled marriages can be saved—not only from the agony of breakup but also from the misery of lovelessness.

Why Does Love Fade?

“It seems much easier to fall into love than to stay in love.”—DR. KAREN KAYSER.

THE proliferation of loveless marriages is perhaps not surprising. Marriage is a complex human relationship, and many enter it with little preparation. “We are required to demonstrate some proficiency when obtaining a driver’s license,” observes Dr. Dean S. Edell, “but marriage licenses can be had for a signature.”

Hence, while many marriages thrive and are truly happy, a number experience strain. Perhaps one or both spouses entered marriage with high expectations but lack the skills that are necessary for a long-term relationship. “When people first become close,” explains Dr. Harry Reis, “they feel a tremendous sense of validation from each other.” They feel as if their partner were “the only other person on earth who sees things as they do. That feeling sometimes fades, and when it does, it can take a heavy toll on the marriage.”

Happily, many marriages do not come to that point. But let us briefly consider a few of the factors that in some cases have caused love to fade.

Disillusionment—“This Is Not What I Expected”

“When I married Jim,” says Rose, “I thought we’d be the local version of Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming—all romance and tenderness and consideration for each other.” Yet, after a while, Rose’s “prince” didn’t seem so charming. “I ended up being terribly disappointed in him,” she says.

Many movies, books, and popular songs paint an unrealistic portrait of love. While courting, a man and a woman may feel that they are experiencing a dream come true; but after a few years of marriage, they conclude that truly they must have been dreaming! Anything less than a storybook romance might make a workable marriage seem like an utter failure.

Of course, some expectations in marriage are entirely proper. For example, it is appropriate to expect love, attention, and support from one’s mate. Yet, even these wishes may go unfulfilled. “I almost feel that I am not married,” says Meena, a young bride in India. “I feel lonely and neglected.”

Incompatibility—“We Have Nothing in Common”

“My husband and I are about 180 degrees apart on virtually everything,” says one woman. “Not a day passes that I don’t bitterly regret my decision to marry him. We are just badly mismatched.”

Is There Reason for Hope?

“One problem in distressed marriages is the strong belief that things cannot get better. Such a belief thwarts change because it robs you of the motivation to try anything constructive.”—DR. AARON T. BECK.

IMAGINE that you are in pain and go to the doctor for a checkup. You are anxious—and understandably so. After all, your health—even your very life—may be at stake. But suppose that after the examination, the doctor gives you the good news that while your problem is by no means trivial, it can be treated. In fact, the doctor tells you that if you carefully adhere to a reasonable program of diet and exercise, you can expect a full recovery. You would undoubtedly feel greatly relieved and would gladly follow his advice!

Compare this scenario to the subject at hand. Are you experiencing pain in your marriage? Of course, every marriage will have its share of problems and disagreements. So just having some difficult moments in your relationship does not mean that you have a loveless marriage. But what if the painful situation persists for weeks, months, or even years? If so, you are rightly concerned, for this is no trivial matter. Indeed, the quality of your marriage can touch virtually every aspect of your life—and that of your children. It is believed, for instance, that marital distress can be a major factor in such problems as depression, low worker productivity, and children’s failure at school. But that is not all. Christians recognize that the relationship they have with their mate can affect their very relationship with God.—1 Peter 3:7.

The fact that there are problems between you and your spouse does not mean that the situation is hopeless. Facing the reality of marriage—that there will be challenges—can help a couple to put their problems in perspective and work toward solutions. A husband named Isaac says: “I had no idea that it was normal for couples to go up and down in their level of happiness over the course of a marriage. I thought there was something wrong with us!”

Even if your marriage has deteriorated to a loveless state, it can be saved. Granted, the wounds resulting from a troubled relationship may be deep, especially if problems have persisted for years. Still, there is strong reason for hope. Motivation is a crucial factor. Even two people

Your Marriage Can Be Saved!

The Bible abounds with practical counsel that can benefit husbands and wives. This is hardly surprising, for the One who inspired the Bible is also the Originator of the marriage arrangement.

THE Bible paints a realistic picture of marriage. It acknowledges that a husband and wife will have “tribulation” or, as the New English Bible renders it, “pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28) Yet, the Bible also says that marriage can and should produce joy, even ecstasy. (Proverbs 5:18, 19) These two thoughts are not contradictory. They merely show that despite serious problems, a couple can attain a close and loving relationship.