Iminyaka Yokukhula—Oko Ukuhlwayelayo Ngoku Uya Kukuvuna Kamva

INGQONDO zeentsana ziyakufunxa zize zikugcine oko kuzingqongileyo. Kwiminyaka emibini abaninizo bafunda ulwimi oluntsonkothileyo nje ngokuluva. Ukuba umntwana uva iilwimi ezimbini ngexesha, uzifunda zombini. Akafundi kuphela ulwimi kodwa ukwafunda ubuchule bomculo nobobugcisa obuthile, ukulungelelana kwezihlunu, imilinganiselo yokuziphatha nokuba nesazela, ukholo nothando nokulangazelela ukunqula​—⁠konke oku kuvela kumandla ayilwe kwangaphambili ezingqondweni zeentsana. Ukuze zikhule zilindela kuphela ukufumana inkcazelo evela koko kuzingqongileyo. Kwakhona, kukho ucwangciso oluchanileyo ukuze le nkcazelo ifakwayo ibe nemiphumo emihle, ibe elona xesha lihle lokwenjenjalo kusebudeni beminyaka yokukhula.

Le nkqubo iqala ekuzalweni. Ibizwa ngokuba kukusondelelana. Unina ulujonga emehlweni usana lwakhe ngamehlo azele uthando, uthetha ngokuthambileyo nalo, uyalugona aze aluwole ngokufudumeleyo. Iimvakalelo zikamama ziyachukumiseka njengoko usana lumqwalasela luze luzive lunqabisekile. Ukuba ngeli thuba usana luqalisa ukwanya, oko kuba yingenelo engakumbi kubo bobabini. Ukwanya kosana kubangela ukuba kuveliswe ubisi. Ukudibana kwezikhumba zabo kubangela ukukhutshwa kweencidi zamadlala ezinciphisa ukopha kwakhe kwasemva kokuzala. Ubisi lukamama lunezibulala-ntsholongwane ezikhusela usana ekwasulelweni zizifo. Kubakho ukusondelelana. Esi sisiqalo sokuthandana kwabo. Kodwa kusisiqalo nje kuphela.

Kungekudala aba babini baba bathathu xa noyise wosana esiya ebandakanyeka, njengoko ngokuqinisekileyo kuya kufuneka. UGqr. T. Berry Brazelton uthi: “Bonke abantwana bafuna ukuba . . . notata, ibe bonke ootata banokwenza umahluko. . . . Oomama bebetyekela ekuziphatheni ngobunono nangokuthambileyo iintsana zabo. Kwelinye icala, ootata bebekuthanda ngakumbi ukudlala, ukuzinyumbaza nokudlala ngokuzicunukisa iintsana zabo ngakumbi kunokuba oomama babesenza.” Iintsana zisabela kule mpatho yomntu oyindoda ngokumemelela nangokukhwaza kukuvuya, zixhelelw’ exhukwane ibe zilangazelela okungakumbi. UGqr. Magid, okwangumbhali wencwadi ethi High Risk: Children Without a Conscience uthi kukuqhubeka kokusondelelana okwaqaliswa ekuzalweni, ‘ulwalamano lothando phakathi kwabazali nomntwana oluthi ngokwemvelo lwenziwe okanye kuphulukanwe nalo kwiinyanga zokuqala ezilishumi elinesibhozo zobomi bosana.’ Uthi, ukuba kuphulukenwe nalo, abantwana abanjalo basenokukhula bengenawo amandla okwakha naluphi na ulwalamano lobuqu baze bangabi nawo amandla othando.

Umama Notata Bayabambisana Ekwakheni Ukusondelelana

Ngenxa yoko, hayi indlela ekubaluleke ngayo ukuba umama notata basebenzisane ekomelezeni olu lwalamano lothando, oku kusondelelana nothando phakathi kwabazali nomntwana ebudeni beminyaka yokukhula ngaphambi kokuba aye kwisikolo sabantwana abancinane! Ukugona nokuphuza kufanele kwenziwe ngabazali bobabini. Ewe, kwanootata! IMen’s Health, kaJuni 1992, ithi: “Ukugona nokubonakaliswa kokuthandana nabazali ngokuqinisekileyo kubonisa kwangaphambili impumelelo aya kuba nayo umntwana kwikamva ngokuphathelele ukwakha ubuhlobo, umtshato nokhetho, lubonisa oko uphando lweminyaka engama-36 nolukhutshwe kwiJournal of Personality and Social Psychology. Amashumi asixhenxe ekhulwini abantwana abanabazali abanothando baye baqhuba kakuhle gqitha ngokwasentlalweni, xa bethelekiswa nama-30 ekhulwini abantwana abanabazali abangenaluthando; ibe kuye kwafunyaniswa ukuba ukugona kukaTata kubaluleke njengokukaMama.”

Kwakhona, mbambe ngoxa ugungqagungqa kwisitulo esigungqagungqayo. Mfundele okuthile ngoxa ethe yabalala kamnandi ethangeni lakho. Thetha naye uze umphulaphule, umfundisa oko kulungileyo noko kuphosakeleyo, yaye qinisekani ukuba niyimizekelo emihle, niyiqhelisela le migaqo nina ngokwenu. Yaye xa nimfundisa hlalani nicinga ngobudala akubo umntwana. Hlalani nikwenza oku ngendlela elula, ebangel’ umdla, neyonwabisayo.

Ngokwemvelo umntwana wenu usoloko efuna ukwazi yonk’ into, enomnqweno wokuvavanya nokufunda ngazo zonke izinto ezimngqongileyo. Ukuze anelise oku kunxanelwa kwakhe ulwazi, umntwana ukupheka ekophula ngemibuzo engapheliyo. Wenziwa yintoni umoya? Kutheni isibhakabhaka siluhlaza? Kutheni kusiba bomvu xa ilanga litshona? Yiphendule. Kona akusoloko kulula. Le mibuzo isisimemo kuwe sokuphembelela ukucinga komntwana wakho, ukuba negalelo elithile kuyo, mhlawumbi ukuze ubethelele uxabiso ngoThixo nangendalo yakhe. Ngaba ingqalelo yakhe itsalwa libhungane elithile elirhubuluza phezu kwegqabi? Okanye indlela ebunjwe ngayo intyatyambo encinane? Okanye kukubukela isigcawu sisakha indlu yaso? Okanye kuphela kukumba emhlabeni? Ibe musa ukukujongela phantsi ukufundisa ngamabali amafutshane, njengoko uYesu wenzayo ngemizekeliso yakhe. Kwenza ukufunda kunandipheke.

Kwiimeko ezininzi kuye kufuneke abazali baphangele bobabini ukuze babe nemali eyaneleyo yokuziphilisa. Ngaba banokwenza umgudu okhethekileyo wokuchitha iiyure zangokuhlwa neempela-veki nabantwana babo? Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukuba umama asebenze isiqingatha sosuku ngalunye ukuze abe nexesha elingakumbi nabantwana bakhe? Baninzi abazali abangenamaqabane omtshato namhlanje, ibe bamele basebenze ukuze bazixhase bona nabantwana babo. Ngaba banokukhuthalela ukunikela iiyure zangokuhlwa neempela-veki ezininzi kangangoko kunokwenzeka kubantwana babo? Kwiimeko ezininzi kuba yimfuneko ngoomama ukuba bahlale kude nabantwana babo. Kwanaxa izizathu zokuba kude nabo zivakala, umntwana omncinane akakuqondi oko ibe usenokuziva elahliwe. Ngoko kufuneka kwenziwe umgudu okhethekileyo wokulithenga ixesha usenzela umntwana wakho.

Ngoku, kanye kanye liyintoni eli “xesha lixabisekileyo” siva ngalo? Abazali abaxakekileyo basenokuchitha imizuzu eli-15 okanye engama-20 rhoqo ngosuku lwesibini nomntwana wabo, mhlawumbi iyure enye ngempela-veki, baze bakubize oko ngokuthi lixesha elixabisekileyo. Ngaba eli xesha lizanele iimfuno zomntwana? Okanye ngaba injongo yalo kukuxolisa isazela somzali? Okanye ngaba kukuphumza ingqondo yomama ophangela kuba ethanda ngoxa eshiya umntwana wakhe enganelisekanga? Kodwa uthi, ‘Ndixekeke nyhani ubona nje, andinalo kwaphela ixesha elinjalo.’ Oko kubi ibe kubuhlungu gqitha kuwe nakumntwana wakho kuba akukho ndlela-lula. Fumana ixesha ebudeni beminyaka yokukhula kwabantwana, okanye kulungele ukuvuna umsantsa wesizukulwana xa bekwiminyaka yabo yeshumi elivisayo.

Oku asikuphela komonakalo onokwenzeka kumntwana oshiywe kwindawo yokunyamekela abantwana emini, kodwa kukwayilahleko nakubazali xa bephoswa kukunandipha ixesha lokukhula komntwana. Umntwana akasoloko eziqonda izizathu zokushiywa yedwa; usenokuziva engakhathalelwanga, engafunwa, elahliwe, engathandwa. Xa efikelela iminyaka yakhe yeshumi elivisayo, sel’ ezakhele ulwalamano noontanga bakhe abathabath’ indawo yabazali abangenaxesha lakhe. Umntwana usenokuqalisa ukuphila ubomi obumbaxa, obokuxolisa abazali bakhe kwelinye icala nokuzikholisa yena kwelinye. Amazwi, ukucacisa izinto, ukucela uxolo​—⁠akukho nanye kwezi ewuvalayo lo msantsa. Ukuthetha kwabazali ngothando ngoku akubi kokokwenene emntwaneni obengakhathalelwanga ebudeni beminyaka abebafuna gqitha ngayo abazali bakhe. Ukuthetha ngokumthanda ngoku kuvakala kububuxoki; amazwi athethwayo angena ngapha aphume ngaphaya. Njengokholo, uthando olutshiwo nje ngomlomo lungenayo imisebenzi lufile.​—⁠Yakobi 2:⁠26.

Ukuvuna Kwanangoku Oko Sikutyalileyo

Kwesi sizukulwana sikandim kuqala, ukuzingca kuyanda, ibe oku kubonakala ngokukhethekileyo ekulahlweni kwabantwana bethu. Siyabazala, sandule sibase kumaziko okubanyamekela emini. Amanye aloo maziko asenokubalungela abantwana, kodwa amaninzi awanjalo, ngokukodwa kubantwana abancinane. Kwamanye kuye kwafunyaniswa ukuba abantwana bayaxhatshazwa ngokwesini. Omnye umphandi wathi: “Kwixesha elizayo, ngaphandle kwamathandabuzo, siya kuba neengxaki eziya kwenza ezanamhlanje zifane nembutho yeti.” “Imbutho yeti” yanamhlanje sele iyintlekele kakade, njengoko kuboniswa ngamanani anikelwa nguGqr. David Elkind ngowe-1992:

“Kumashumi amabini eminyaka edluleyo kuye kwakho ulwando lwama-50 ekhulwini okutyeba ngokugqithiseleyo kwabantwana nolutsha. Nyaka ngamnye siphulukana nabakwishumi elivisayo abanokuba ngamawaka alishumi bebulawa ziingozi ezibangelwa ziziyobisi, bengaqukwa abenzakeleyo nabaphulukene namalungu emizimba yabo. Omnye kwabane abakwishumi elivisayo unxila abe ludaka qho emva kweveki ezimbini; ibe sinezigidi ezibini zabakwishumi elivisayo abangamakhoboka otywala.

“EMerika amantombazana akwishumi elivisayo nanokulinganiselwa kwisigidi ayakhulelwa ngonyaka, nani elo eliwuphinda kabini umlinganiselo welizwe elikwiNtshona elilandela eli, iNgilani. Ukuzibulala kuye kwaphindaphindeka kathathu phakathi kwabeshumi elivisayo kwiminyaka engama-20 edluleyo, ibe abakwishumi elivisayo abaphakathi kwamawaka amahlanu namathandathu bayazibulala nyaka ngamnye. Kuqikelelwa ukuba intombazana enye kwamane akwishumi elivisayo ibonakalisa ubuncinane uphawu olunye lokuphazamiseka ngenxa yokutya ngokungalungelelananga, nto leyo eqheleke gqitha ukunciphisa umzimba ngokungatyi. Iqela labaneminyaka esusela kweli-14 ukuya kweli-19 ubudala liye lanomlinganiselo wesibini ongowona uphakamileyo wokubulala abantu kunokuba kunjalo ngalo naliphi na elinye iqela labantu abakubudala obuthile.”

Ukongezelela kula manani aqhiphul’ umbilini kukho ukubulawa kweentsana ezingaphezu kwezigidi ezingama-50 ngoxa zisesesibelekweni, ibe “imbutho yeti” yale mihla ayichazeki. Ebona ukuqhekeka kweentsapho okukhoyo, uGqr. Elkind wathi: “Ukuguquka ngokukhawuleza kwemeko yezentlalo kuyintlekele kubantwana nakulutsha, abafuna ukuzinza nokunqabiseka ukuze bakhule baze bakheke kakuhle.” Omnye umbhali obhala ngombandela wokuzingca ngokuba ndim kuqala wema ngelithi: “Kodwa akukho mntu ukulungeleyo ukuthi kwizibini, Khangelani apha, nifanele nihlale nitshatile. Ukuba ninabantwana, hlalani nitshatile!”

Kuthabatha ixesha ukumthanda umntwana. Kwiminyaka eliqela eyadlulayo uRobert Keeshan, umsasazi weenkqubo zabantwana owayebizwa ngokuba nguCaptain Kangaroo, walumkisa ngemiphumo yokunganikeli ngexesha lakho kubantwana bakho. Wathi:

“Umntwana omncinane, efake ubhontsi emlonyeni, enonodoli esandleni sakhe, ebukruquka, ulindele ukufika komzali. Unqwenela ukubalisa okuthile akwenzileyo ngebhokisana yakhe yokudlala enentlabathi. Enemincili ufuna ukubalisa ngezinto ezimonwabisileyo aye wazazi ngaloo mini. Liyagaleleka ixesha, uyafika umzali. Edinwe eyimfe kukuxinezeleka kwasemsebenzini ngokwesiqhelo umzali uthi emntwaneni, ‘Hayi ngoku, nono. Ndixakekile, hamba uyokubukela umabonwakude.’ La ngamazwi athethwa ngokufuthi kumakhaya amaninzi aseMerika, ‘ndixakekile, hamba uyokubukela umabonwakude.’ Ukuba akungoku, kuya kuba nini? ‘Kamva.’ Kodwa kunqabile ukuba ukamva afike . . .

“Iminyaka iyahamba yaye nomntwana uyakhula. Simnika izinto zokudlala nempahla. Simnika iimpahla ezinegama lomyili wodumo nesidlali-mculo westereo kodwa nkqi ukuba simnike eyona nto ayifuna kakhulu, ixesha lethu. Uneminyaka elishumi elinesine, amehlo akhe athe gwantyi iinyembezi, usengxakini. ‘Nono, kwenzekeni? Ndixelele, ndixelele.’ Sekonakele. Sekonakele. Akasenaluthando ngathi. . . .

“Xa sisithi emntwaneni, ‘Hayi ngoku, kamva.’ Xa sisithi, ‘Hamba uyokubukela umabonwakude.’ Xa sisithi, ‘Sukubuza imibuzo emininzi kangaka.’ Xa sisilela ukunika abaselula bethu ekuphela kwento abayifunayo kuthi, ixesha lethu. Xa sisilela ukumthanda umntwana. Asikuba asikhathali. Kuphela sixakeke gqitha ukuba singamthanda umntwana.”

Ubungakanani Bexesha Elifunekayo

Okubalulekileyo asikokumana uthabatha “ixesha elixabisekileyo” ngokulinganiselweyo kweminye imicimbi; kumele kuquke “nobungakanani bexesha.” IBhayibhile, enobulumko ngaphezu kwazo zonke iincwadi ezakha zabhalwa ezingolwazi ngengqondo ithi kwiDuteronomi 6:​6, 7: “La mazwi ndikuwisela umthetho ngawo namhlanje, aze abe sentliziyweni yakho. Uze uwatsolise koonyana bakho, uthethe ngawo ekuhlaleni kwakho endlwini yakho, nasekuhambeni kwakho ngendlela, nasekulaleni kwakho, nasekuvukeni kwakho.” Ufanele ubethelele ezintliziyweni zabantwana bakho imilinganiselo yokuziphatha eyinyaniso evela eLizwini likaThixo esentliziyweni yakho. Ukuba uphila ngayo, umntwana wakho uya kukuxelisa.

Ngaba uyawukhumbula umzekeliso ocatshulwe kwisiqendu sokuqala senqaku elandulelayo? Nanku kwakhona: “Mfundise umntwana ngendlela efanele umntwana; naxa athe wamkhulu, akasayi kumka kuyo.” (IMizekeliso 22:⁠6) Oku kuba yinyaniso kuphela xa uqeqesho lwemilinganiselo yokuziphatha luye lwafakwa phakathi, oko kukuthi, lwafakwa kuye ngaphakathi, lwenziwa inxalenye yokucinga kwakhe, ezona mvakalelo zakhe zinzulu, oko akuko nzulu ngaphakathi. Oku kwenzeka kuphela ukuba le milinganiselo yokuziphatha akayifundiswanga nje kuphela ngabazali bakhe kodwa kwakhona baye bayiqhelisela.

Uye wayingenisa kuye njengendlela yobomi. Iye yangumlinganiselo wakhe wobuqu oko kukuthi yayinxalenye yakhe siqu. Ukuyityeshela ngoku akuyi kuba kukwenza nxamnye noko abazali bakhe abamfundise kona kodwa kukwenza nxamnye noko aye wakuko yena ngokwakhe. Uya kuba akanyanisekanga kuye ngokwakhe. Uya kuba uyazikhanyela. (2 Timoti 2:13) Ingqondo yakhe iye ingamvumeli enze oku kuye. Ngenxa yoko, akulula ukuba ‘emke kule ndlela’ eye yabethelelwa kuye. Ngoko abantwana benu mabafunde ihambo entle kuni. Fundisa ububele ngokubonakalisa ububele, isimilo ngokusiqhelisela, ukuthantamisa ngokuba ngothantamisayo, ukunyaniseka nokuthembeka ngokuzibonakalisa.

Ilungiselelo LikaYehova

Intsapho lilungiselelo uYehova awalenzela umntu kwasekuqaleni. (Genesis 1:​26-28; 2:​18-24) Emva kweminyaka engamawaka amathandathu embali yomntu, isagqalwa njengeyona nto ibalungeleyo abantu abakhulu nabantwana, njengoko kuqinisekiswa yincwadi ethi Secrets of Strong Families ngala mazwi:

“Mhlawumbi into ethile ekhoyo kanye kuthi ngaphakathi iyaqonda ukuba intsapho sisiseko sempucuko. Mhlawumbi siyazi ngokuzenzekelayo ukuba xa sitshelwe zizicheku ebomini asiyomali, umsebenzi, udumo, indlu entle, umhlaba, okanye izinto eziphathekayo esinazo ezibalulekileyo​—⁠ngabantu ebomini bethu abasithandayo nabasinyamekelayo. Okubaluleke ngokwenene ngabantu ebomini bethu abazinikeleyo kuthi nesinokwayama ngabo ukuze sifumane inkxaso noncedo. Ayikho enye indawo enothando, inkxaso, ukunyanyekelwa nokuzinikela sonke esikulangazelelayo ngaphezu kokuba injalo intsapho.”

Ngenxa yoko, kubalulekile ukuhlwayela uqeqesho olufanelekileyo ngenkuthalo ngoku ebudeni beminyaka yokukhula ukuze oko ukuvunayo kwikamva, wena nabantwana bakho, kukuzisele ubomi bentsapho eyonwabileyo.​—⁠Thelekisa IMizekeliso 3:​1-7.

[Ibhokisi ekwiphepha 30]

Nguwuphi Umzali Endiya Kuba Nguye?

“Izifundo ezibini ndiziphumelele emagqabini,” yakhwaza isitsho inkwenkwana, ilizwi layo lizele yimincili. Ethetha rhabaxa uyise wabuza, “Kutheni ungenzanga ngaphezu koko?” “Mama, ndigqibile ukuhlamba izitya,” yakhwaza isitsho intombazana isemnyango. Unina ngokuzolileyo wathi, “Ngaba uyikhuphile inkunkuma?” “Ndigqibile ukusika ingca, nomatshini wokuyisika ndiwubuyisele kwindawo yawo,” yatsho njalo inkwenkwe ende. Uyise wayibuza oku, “Ngaba uyichebile nemithi yothango?”

Abantwana abakwikhaya eliselumelwaneni babonakala bonwabile yaye banelisekile. Nalapho kwenzeke into efanayo, ibe kwenzeka ngolu hlobo:

“Izifundo ezibini ndiziphumelele emagqabini,” yakhwaza isitsho inkwenkwana, ilizwi layo lizele yimincili. Eziva enelunda uyise waphendula esithi, “Ngxatsho ke; ndiyavuya uqhube kakuhle kangaka.” “Mama, ndigqibile ukuhlamba izitya,” yakhwaza isitsho intombazana isemnyango. Unina wancuma waza ngelithambileyo wathi, “Mihla le ndiya ndikuthanda ngakumbi.” “Ndigqibile ukusika ingca, nomatshini wokuyisika ndiwubuyisele kwindawo yawo,” yatsho njalo inkwenkwe ende. Ngovuyo uyise waphendula esithi, “Yiloo nto ndiziva ndinelunda ngawe.”

Abantwana bafanele banconywe ngemisebenzi abayenzayo suku ngalunye. Ukuba baza kuphila ubomi obonwabisayo, okuninzi kuxhomekeke kuwe.

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 27]

Utata uthelela umama kwinkqubo yokumanyana

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 28]

Njengoko umbono wayo ukhula, inkwenkwe ebaleka izolulile iingalo zayo ixelisa inqwelo-moya ebhabhayo, ibhokisi enkulu iba likhaya xa kudlaliswa ngezindlu, intonga yomtshayelo yenziwa ihashe eliphalayo, isitulo senziwa isihlalo somqhubi wenqwelo-mafutha yomdyarho