Intsha Iyabuza . . .
Kungani Kufanele Ngibe Uthunjana?
Uthunjana uvame ukubhekwa “njengosana” lomkhaya.
“Ngiyalizonda iqiniso lokuthi kufanele ngijeziswe ngenxa yamaphutha enziwe ngodadewethu abadala kunami.”
“Umfowethu omdala uyangishaya lapho enezinkinga.”
‘NGIWUTHUNJANA ezinganeni eziyisihlanu,’ kubhala uLilia. ‘Futhi akujabulisi. Kaningi ngibekelwa eceleni emisebenzini yomkhaya ngoba akekho ofuna ukukhathazwa “ngosana.” Abafowethu nodadewethu bayakuzonda nje ukunginakekela. Ngizizwa ngiwumthwalo njalo. Ngezinye izikhathi ngizizwa ngiwumntwana owukuphela kwakhe ngoba kufanele ngichithe isikhathi esiningi kakhulu ngidlala ngedwa.’
UFaye wayewuthunjana kubantwana abane. Uyakhumbula: “Abazali bami njalo babethatha izwi likamfowethu noma udadewethu omdala kunelami. Futhi laba abadala babenabangane babo siqu. Ngaba unkom’ idla yodwa.”
Ingabe uwuthunjana emkhayeni wakini? Khona-ke kungenzeka unezikhalo ezifanayo. Abanye bangase bakuthole kuhlekisa ukwazi ukuthi “ulusana” lomkhaya. Kodwa kuwena, ukuba uthunjana kungase kungahlekisi.
Okubi Ngokuba Uthunjana
Ngokwesibonelo, ingabe unomuzwa wokuthi umfowenu noma udadewenu omdala uthola yonke impatho enhle? Ungase ube nezizathu zokuzizwa ngalendlela. Ngezikhathi zeBhayibheli izibulo lalijabulela isikhundla esivelele somusa; uthunjana wayelandela ngemuva lapho kuziwa emalungelweni athile nemithwalo yemfanelo. (Qhathanisa noGenesise 25:31; 43:33.) Namuhla, abazali basathambekele ekulindeleni okukhulu ngomntwana wabo oyizibulo. Akukhona ukuthi bamthanda ngaphezu kwabanye abantwana babo, kodwa ngoba emdala, angase anikezwe umthwalo wemfanelo wokunakekela abantwana bakubo abancane. Uyena okhula kuqala, futhi ngenxa yalokho, ngokuvamile unikezwa amalungelo amaningana nenkululeko efiselekayo.
Nokho, uthunjana uvame ukubhekwa “njengosana” lomkhaya futhi cishe angacindezelwa ngothando lobuzali! Owesifazane ocashunwe encwadini ethi Sibling Rivalry, elotshwe nguSeymour V. Reit, uyakhumbula: “Ngangiwuthunjana emkhayeni wakithi . . . Ngangitotoswa futhi nginakekelwe ngokweqile, ngisho nangabantwana abadala. Yiqiniso ngangikujabulela, kodwa ngicabanga ukuthi kwangithiya kancane. Kungenzeka kwangivimbela ukuba ngikhule, ngibhekane nezinselele.”
Nabazali bakho bangase beqise ekuzameni ukukuvikela. Bangase bavumele abafowenu nodadewenu abadala ukuba bahambe nabangane kodwa baphoqelela ukuba wena usale ekhaya—noma ukuthi usheshe ubuye kangangokuthi ungase ube nomuzwa wokuthi kungcono ukungahambi kwasekuqaleni!
Njengothunjana, ungase futhi ube isisulu sokuqhathanisa okuningi okungekuhle. “Lapho ngisenkathazweni ngempela noma ngenza nje okuthile okungenangqondo endlini,” kukhononda uKarl oneminyaka engu-16 ubudala, “bazothi, ‘UAlan akakwenzi lokho’ noma, ‘Kungani ungahlanzi ikamelo lakho njengoAlan?’” Futhi uma umfowenu noma udadewenu omdala ayenesimo sengqondo sokuvukela ngesikhathi elingana nawe, qaphela! Abazali bakho bangazama ngamandla ukuze bavimbele ukwenzeka kwento efanayo. “Ngiyalizonda iqiniso lokuthi kufanele ngijeziswe ngenxa yamaphutha enziwe ngodadewethu abadala kunami,” kukhononda enye intombazane. “Ngenxa nje yokuthi udadewethu uboleke imoto futhi waya endaweni ethile okwakungamelwe aye kuyo, angikwazi ukuyiboleka!”
Ukulwisana Nowelamana Nabo
Nokho, isikhalo sakho esikhulu kungaba indlela abafowenu nodadewenu abakuphatha ngayo. Bangase bangabonisi inhlonipho ngesikhathi sakho sokuba wedwa noma izinto zakho siqu. Bangase bakwenze isisulu sokugconwa njalo noma kusolwe wena ngokwehluleka kwabo. “Umfowethu omdala uyangishaya lapho enezinkinga,” kukhononda omunye omfana osemusha.
USusannah osemusha ukuveza ngokuqondile lokho okuvame ukubangela izingxabano ezinjalo zezelamani. Uthi: “Ngicabanga ukuthi ukulwa okuningi kubangelwa ukubanga amandla nokuthi ubani onelungelo lani.” Kumane kungokwemvelo ukufuna uthando, ukuqashelwa, nokuvunyelwa umzali. Futhi njengoba cishe kungenakwenzeka ngabazali ukuba baphathe bonke abantwana babo ngendlela efanayo, kungaphakama izingxabano nenzondo. Inzalamizi uJakobe ‘yathanda uJosefa kakhulu kunabantwana bayo bonke.’ Kwaba yini ukusabela kwabafowabo? “Bamzonda, bengenakukhuluma kuye ngokuthula.” (Genesise 37:3, 4) Njengothunjana, nawe abazali bakho bangakunakekela futhi bakuthande kakhudlwana. Uma kunjalo, abafowenu nodadewenu bangazizwa bekucasukela. “Ngangicabanga ukuthi udadewethu omncane wayethola konke akufunayo,” kusho izibulo eliyintombazane esentsha okuthiwa uRoseanna. “Ngaqaphela ukuthi nganginomhawu ngaye.”
Izinzuzo
Nakuba kunjalo, kunezinzuzo eziningana ukuba uthunjana. Abazali bakho bangase babe sesimweni esingcono ngokwezimali kunangesikhathi besaqala ukuba ngabazali. Kanjalo ungase ujabulele izinzuzo ezingokwezinto ezibonakalayo, njengokuba nekamelo lakho siqu, lelo abafowenu nodadewenu ababengenalo besalingana nawe. Futhi nakuba enye intsha iwenqaba umqondo wokugqoka izingubo ezambulelwe othile, izingubo ozembulelwa abafowenu nodadewenu abadala zingase zenze ukuba ube nezimpahla eziningana ukwedlula lezo abanye ontanga yakho abanazo!
Enye inzuzo ingokuhlangenwe nakho abazali bakho abaye bakuzuza ekukhuliseni abantwana. (Qhathanisa amaHeberu 5:14.) Eqinisweni, abafowenu nodadewenu abadala ‘babenza bajwayela’ ukuba abazali. Njengoba beye bafunda emaphutheni abo esikhathi esidlule, abazali bakho kungenzeka sebekhululeke ngokwengeziwe futhi balondekile ezindimeni zabo, bengathambekelanga ekufuneni okungenakwenzeka. Ungase ube nesilinganiso esithile senkululeko abafowenu nodadewenu abangazange basijabulele besalingana nawe.
Ukuba nje nabafowenu nodadewenu abadala nakho kuyinzuzo. Kucatshangelwa inzondo izelamani ezivame ukuyibonisa komunye nomunye, lokhu kungaba nzinyana ngawe ukuba ukukholelwe. Nokho, akuvamile ngezelamani ukuba zizondane ngempela. Eqinisweni, enye intombazane eneminyaka engu-13 ubudala yavuma: “Umfowethu omdala ungikhathaza njalo. Kodwa ekujuleni kwenhliziyo ngimthanda kakhulu.” Abafowenu nodadewenu abadala bangaba umthombo wobungane, ubudlelwane, neseluleko. Iselamani singaba isibonelo kuwe, ikakhulukazi uma sesaba uNkulunkulu. Ingabe uqala unyaka wakho wokuqala esikoleni esiphakeme? Umfowenu omdala angakwazi ukukusiza ukuba uvumelane nezimo. Ingabe abazali bakho ekugcineni sebeye bakuvumela ukuba usebenzise izimonyo? Mhlawumbe udadewenu omdala angakubonisa indlela yokuzisebenzisa.
Ngokuthakazelisayo, incwadi ethi Sibling Rivalry iyaqhubeka iphawula: “Othunjana . . . bavame ukuba nobungane nokuthanda ukuzihlanganisa nabantu ngokwengeziwe ukwedlula abafowabo nodadewabo abadala noma abaphakathi futhi bayezwana nabanye abantwana. Njengoba bejwayele ukusebenza nokudlelana nabantu bobudala obuhlukahlukene, bayakhululeka nontanga yabo abangaphandle komkhaya.”
Ukusebenzisa Isimo Sakho Ngokunenzuzo
Ingabe usenomuzwa wokuthi uthunjana akaphathwa ngendlela egculisayo? Nokho, kungase kukuthakazelise ukwazi ukuthi abantwana abangamazibulo nabaphakathi ngokuvamile bakhononda kakhulu ngokuthi isimo sabo singesilusizi kakhulu! Khona-ke, okubalulekile akukhona ukuthi ungowesingaki emkhayeni, kodwa ukuthi yimiphi imizamo oyenzayo ukuze usebenzise izimiso zeBhayibheli.
Ngokwesibonelo, uma unomuzwa wokuthi abazali bakho bakhathazeke ngokweqile, bonisana nabo ngendlela evuthiwe. “Lapho kungekho khona ukululekana, amasu ayachitheka.” (IzAga 15:22) Ngokuba “nokuthula, nokuva,” ungabonisana nabo futhi usikisele ukuvumelana nezimo okwamukelekayo—kunokuba ububule lapho izinto zingenzeki ngendlela ofuna ngayo. (Jakobe 3:17, 18) Uma wenqatshelwa ilungelo elithile abaye balinikeza abafowenu nodadewenu abadala, ungathukutheli. Bonisa ukuthi uyakwazi ukuthwala umthwalo wemfanelo futhi unekhono ngokusebenzisa ngokunenzuzo noma yiziphi izabelo ozinikezwa abazali bakho.—Qhathanisa noLuka 16:10.
Izimiso zeBhayibheli ziyokusiza futhi ukuba ulondoloze ukuthula nabafowenu nodadewenu. Ingabe ufuna isikhathi sokuba wedwa? Khona-ke sebenzisa uMthetho Wegolide futhi uhloniphe ukuba bodwa kwabo nempahla yabo. (Mathewu 7:12) Ingabe uyakuzonda ukugconwa? Khona-ke phatha abafowenu nodadewenu ‘ngokwazisa’ futhi ugweme ukubasukela kuqala. (Roma 12:10) Ingabe ukhathazekile ngoba unomuzwa wokuthi abakunaki noma bakubekela eceleni? Ungaphendukeli ekubeni unkom’ idla yodwa. “Mela indaba yakho” nabo, uxoxe ngalokhu ngendlela ezothile, nevuthiwe. (IzAga 25:9) Ngezikhathi eziningi kumane kuyindaba yokufunda ukuba ngothethelelayo. (Efesu 4:32; Kolose 3:13; 1 Petru 4:8) Kodwa uma unomuzwa wokuthi iselamani siyakuxhaphaza ngokomzimba noma ngamazwi, yazisa abazali bakho ngokwenzekayo. Kulapho kuphela lapho bengenza khona umsebenzi wabo ‘wokuqondisa’ abantwana babo.—Efesu 6:4.
Cha, ukuba uthunjana akukwenzi “usana.” Futhi akumelwe kuvimbele ukukhula kwakho okungokomzwelo noma okungokomoya. Njengothunjana, ungahlakulela uzwela, ukungabi nobugovu, ukuzimisela ukuhlanganyela izinto, ikhono lokuzwana nabanye—izifundo eziyokuzuzisa eminyakeni ezayo.
[Isithombe ekhasini 23]
“Kungani ngibekelwa eceleni kuyo yonke injabulo?”