Abantu Abaselula Bayabuza . . .

Yintoni Ephosakeleyo Ngokuncokolisana?

‘ASENZI madinga, siyancokola nje.’ Leyo yindlela uDenny oneminyaka eli-17 ubudala aluchaza ngayo ulwalamano lwakhe noTina.a Badibana kwindibano yamaNgqina kaYehova yaye ukususela ngoko babencokola ngokuthe rhoqo emnxebeni. UDenny uyavuma ukuba basebancinane gqitha ukuba bangathandana belungiselela umtshato. Kodwa akaboni nto iphosakeleyo ekuncokolisaneni nje kwabo kuphela.

Ulutsha oluninzi olungavunyelwayo ngabazali balo ukuba likulungiselele ukuba namadinga luyavunyelwa ukuba lube nobuhlobo nabesini esahlukileyo ngokuncokola ngokuthe rhoqo nangokutsalelana umnxeba. Ngaba oku kukuzonwabisa nje okumsulwa? Mhlawumbi kuko. Kodwa abanye abazali baxhalabile. Omnye umzali oxhalabileyo ubhala esithi: “Kubonakala kukho ingxaki koku ukuba abeshumi elivisayo abaselula gqitha ‘baba nolwalamano’ nabanye abakwishumi elivisayo abaselula. Abenzi madinga, kodwa ngamnye kubo uzijonga njengesithandwa somnye.”

Olunye ulutsha luhlakulela ulwalamano lwenkwenkwe nentombi ngokubhalelana. Ezi leta zisenokungabi nto yimbi ngaphezu kokuba ingamazwi amsulwa obuhlobo. Noko ke, amaxesha amaninzi ngokwandayo ziba namazwi othando. Ukubandakanyeka ngokothando nako kusenokuba ngumphumo xa ulutsha lubhalelana nolutsha olwaziwa njengolumisela imizekelo emibi njengamaKristu. Kusenokuthiwa ukubhalelana okunjalo kwaqala njengomgudu onyanisekileyo wokukhuthaza abo banjalo.

Ngaba Kukuncokola Nje Okanye Kukwenza Amadinga?

IBhayibhile ayikugwebi ukuncokola nje okanye ukubhalelana nabesini esahlukileyo. AmaKristu afanele ‘athande bonke abazalwana,’ yaye oko kuquka oontanga besini esahlukileyo. (1 Petros 2:17) IBhayibhile ihlabela mgama ixelela abafana ukuba babaphathe ‘abafazi . . . abancinane, njengoodade, benobunyulu bonke.’ (1 Timoti 5:⁠2) Xa lo mgaqo usetyenziswa, abafana namabhinqa aselula anokunandipha ulwalamano olucocekileyo nolumsulwa​—⁠ewe, ubuhlobo!

Noko ke, ngokuqhelekileyo ulutsha olungamaKristu lunandipha ubuhlobo obunjalo ngokwamaqela. Ngoko xa abantu ababini abasebatsha bekhethana ukuze omnye anikele ingqalelo ekhethekileyo komnye, ulwalamano luqala ngokuba nembonakalo yothando, ukuthandana ngaphambi komtshato. Ngaba oku ngokwenene kufana nokwenza amadinga? Mhlawumbi inkoliso yolutsha ibiya kuthi hayi. Noko ke, abakwishumi elivisayo abasoloko beqinisekile ngoko abantu abakhulu basingisele kuko ngokwenza amadinga.

Xa elinye iqela lolutsha lacelwa ukuba luchaze ukwenza amadinga, abangaphezu kwesiqingatha bathi kwakuthetha ‘ukuzikhupha nomntu wesini esahlukileyo.’ Abanye bakuchaza njengokuthetha ‘ukumazi ngakumbi umntu othile.’ Olunye uhlolisiso olungacwangciswanga olwenziwa phakathi kweqela lolutsha olungamaKristu lwavelisa imiphumo efanayo. Enye inkwenkwe eneminyaka eli-13 ubudala yathi: “Ukwenza amadinga kuxa ukhupha intombazana uyisa kwimifanekiso bhanya-bhanya uze ube kunye nayo kude kube sebusuku uze uyikhaphe igoduke.”

Isichazi-magama silichaza igama lesiNgesi elithi “date” (ukwenza amadinga) ‘njengembutho yabantu ababini besini esahlukileyo.’ Ngaba oku akuquki ukuncokola ngokuthe rhoqo nomntu othile? Yaye kuthekani ngeencoko, okanye iimbutho ezinjalo, emnxebeni? Omnye umfana ogama linguIvan uthi: “Luhlobo oluthile lokwenza amadinga, ingakumbi xa nibeke usuku nexesha kwangaphambili lokutsalelana umnxeba ize nencoko ijikeleze kwimicimbi yobuqu.”

Incwadi ethi The Family Handbook of Adolescence ithi: “Uqhagamshelwano lwenkwenkwe nentombi . . . ngokufuthi lwenziwa ngemiyalezwana ebhaliweyo, iileta nangomnxeba. Ngalunye uhlobo lolu nxibelelwano luyaxatyiswa [phakathi kolutsha] kuba luvumela usondelelwano kumgama omde.” Nakuba kunjalo, njengalo naluphi na uhlobo lokwenza amadinga, ukubandakanyeka ngokunzulu kusenokukhula. Khawucinge ngomfana ogama linguJack. Xa waba nomdla kwelinye ibhinqa eliselula njengelisenokuba liqabane lakhe lomtshato, wachitha ixesha elide ethetha nalo emnxebeni. UJack uthi, “Kungenzeka ukuba ubani amazi umntu ngeencoko zasemnxebeni. Nisenokunxibelelana ngeengcinga kwanangeemvakalelo emnxebeni.” UJack nentombazana awayethandana nayo batshata. Ngenxa yomgama omde, ubukhulu becala izibini ezininzi ziye zenza amadinga azo ngokutsalelana iminxeba nangeeleta!

Ngoko, imbambano asikukuba isibini sincokola nje, sibonana nje, okanye senza amadinga, kodwa luhlobo lolwalamano esiluhlakulelayo. Yaye xa inkwenkwe nentombazana zikhethana, ubuncinane oku kusenokubonakala ikukuqalisa kokuthandana. Yaye ngokufuthi kungaphezulu kunembonakalo nje. Njengoko omnye umbhali okwishumi elivisayo uJane Rinzler ecacisa kwincwadi yakhe ethi Teens Speak Out: “Ukuba abantu bayathandana . . . baya kuqalisa ukubonana. Ngokunokwenzeka kuya kuqala ngokuthetha kwabo emnxebeni mhlawumbi kanye, mhlawumbi izihlandlo ezimbalwa.”

Iingozi Zokwenza Amadinga Ngaphambi Kwexesha

Ngoku kusenokuba kulungile ngabantu ababini ukuba baqalise ulwalamano lokuthandana nje ukuba lukwimeko yokutshata. Kodwa zimbalwa izibini ezikwishumi elivisayo ezenza amadinga ezinenjongo yokutshata. Ngokutsho kwencwadi ethi Adolescent Development, ebhalwe nguBarbara noPhilip Newman, ukwenza amadinga kwabeshumi elivisayo ngokufuthi kuba “luhlobo lokuzonwabisa,” indlela ‘yokufumana iwonga’ phakathi kolunye ulutsha, nendlela “yokufunda ngabesini esahlukileyo.”

Kodwa kumaKristu, umtshato ungcwele yaye ubekekile. (Hebhere 13:⁠4) Ngoko ke ukuthandana ngaphambi komtshato nangaluphi na uhlobo kungumcimbi onzulu​—⁠akulohlobo oluthile lomdlalo. Yaye xa ubani emncinane gqitha ukuba angatshata, ulwalamano olusondeleyo nowesini esahlukileyo lusenokuphelela kwincindi yekhala naselusizini. IBhayibhile ikubeka ngolu hlobo: “Umntu unokuwuthabatha na umlilo ase esifubeni sakhe, zingatshi na iingubo zakhe?”​—⁠IMizekeliso 6:⁠27.

Xa uMaria wayeneminyaka eli-13 ubudala, waqalisa ukwenza amadinga ngomnxeba. Okwexeshana kwakuluyolo. Kodwa ekubeni wayengemdala ngokwaneleyo ukuba angatshata, oko kwenza amadinga kwasuka kwamshiya ephoxekile yaye enxunguphele. IMizekeliso 13:12 ithi: “Ukulindela okubanjezelweyo kubulala intliziyo.” Kwakhona kwafuneka ahlangabezane noxinzeleleko lokufihla ukwenza kwakhe amadinga kubazali bakhe. “Ngalo lonke ixesha kukhala umnxeba, ndandidla ngokuba nexhala lokuba omnye umntu wayeya kuwuphendula​—⁠ingakumbi umama. Ndandidla ngokuba neentloni xa wayedla ngokubuza, ‘Ngubani lowo?’ yaye wayedla ngokuwubeka phantsi kuba kwakungekho mpendulo.”

Kwanokubhala iileta kunezako iingozi. Ngokomzekelo, uCharlene watsaleleka kumntu ongakholwayo. Uvuma ngelithi: “Ndaqalisa ukumbhalela yaye saba ngaphezu kwabahlobo nje. Ulikhoboka lotywala, kodwa ndizama konke okusemandleni ukuba ndimncede. Ngaba ucinga ukuba likho ithemba lokuba anciphise indlela asela ngayo?” Noko ke, imigudu kaCharlene yokufuna ukuthabatha indima yomcebisi kwikhoboka lotywala ayibonakalisi bulumko yaye ngokunokwenzeka ayiphumeleli. Ngokulula unokuphelela emtshatweni oyintlekele.b​—⁠2 Korinte 6:14.

Zikhusele Ngamandla Okucinga

KwiMizekeliso 2:​10, 11 kunikelwa icebiso elihle elithi: “Kuba ubulumko buya kungena entliziyweni yakho, ukwazi kwenze mnandi umphefumlo wakho. Ukunkqangiyela [amandla okucinga, NW] kokugcina, ukuqonda [ingqiqo, NW] kokulondoloza.” Abantu abaselula ngokufuthi bavumela iimvakalelo zabo zikhokele izigqibo zabo. Kodwa ngokusebenzisa amandla okucinga nengqiqo, usenokwenza okuninzi ‘ekususeni ingqumbo entliziyweni yakho, uze udlulise ububi enyameni yakho.’​—⁠INtshumayeli 11:⁠10.

Ingqiqo ikunceda uqonde ukuba ‘usentlahleni,’ ixesha laxa iimvakalelo zesini nezothando zinamandla. (1 Korinte 7:36) Unxulumano olusondeleyo nowesini esahlukileyo​—⁠nokuba kungokobuqu, nokuba kusemnxebeni, okanye nokuba kungeleta⁠—​kutyekele ekuvuseleleni inkanuko. Kutheni ngoko ufuna ukukhetha umntu othile ukuze unikele kuye ingqalelo ekhethekileyo? Kuyinyaniso ukuba usenokufuna ukufunda ngendlela yokuqhubana nowesini esahlukileyo. Kodwa unokukwenza oko ngokunandipha unxulumano nowesini esahlukileyo phakathi kweqela. Kwanangoko, kuphephe ukubuphelelisa ubuhlobo bakho kwisangqa nje esincinane sabahlobo. ‘Yiba banzi’ kunxulumano lwakho. (2 Korinte 6:13) Ukwenjenjalo kuya kunciphisa ithuba lokuba nemvakalelo yokubandakanyeka ngokothando.

Ngaba oku kuthetha ukuba awunakuze uthethe emnxebeni okanye ubhalele owesini esahlukileyo? Akunjalo. Ingozi isekukhuliseni usondelelwano lweemvakalelo nomntu omnye. Kodwa lumka ungenzakalisi mntu okanye wena uzenzakalise. Yaye ukuba nangaphezu kwezona njongo zintle kuqala ukukhula iimvakalelo zothando, kusenokufuneka ubuye umva kobo buhlobo.

Kuya kukunceda ukuthetha imicimbi nomntu omkhulu onentembelo kuye, njengomnye wabazali bakho. (IMizekeliso 23:26) Ekuqaleni usenokuziva uthandabuza okanye uneentloni zokutyhila iimvakalelo zakho. Kodwa abazali bakho basenokuziqonda iimvakalelo zakho ngaphezu kokuba ucinga.

Kusenokuba yiminyaka ngaphambi kokuba ukulungele ukuhlakulela umdla ongokothando kumntu wesini esahlukileyo. Okwangoku, ngokuba ngolumkileyo nangokuba nomdla wokungazingci kwabanye, unokunandipha ulwalamano olulungeleleneyo nowesini esahlukileyo.

[Imibhalo esemazantsi]

[Imifanekiso ekwiphepha 19]

Ngaba incoko yasemnxebeni inokugqalwa njengokwenza amadinga?