Yintoni Efunwa Ngabahlolo Nabahlolokazi? Ungabanceda Njani?

UJeanne ubeka iipleyiti ezimbini etafileni njengoko elungiselela ukuphaka isidlo sangokuhlwa. Kodwa ke ngequbuliso uthi ntsho ezi zitya zibini aze antywizise. Kaloku ebecinga ukuba uza kuphakela abantu ababini njengoko ebeqhele ukwenza, kodwa sele kudlule iminyaka emibini eswelekile umyeni wakhe.

UMNTU ongazange akhe afelwe liqabane akanakuyiqonda intlungu ebangelwa kuko. Enyanisweni, kuthath’ ixesha ngaphambi kokuba umntu ayamkele intlungu yokufelwa. UBeryl, oneminyaka engama-72 ubudala wayengafuni kuyamkela into yokufelwa ngumyeni wakhe. Uthi: “Kwakungathi ndiyaphupha, ndandingakholelwa ukuba ndandingazukuphinda ndimbone kwakhona.”

Xa abantu beye banqunyulwa ilungu elithile lomzimba bakhe balibale ukuba linqunyulwe. Nabantu abafelwe liqabane bakhe babengathi bayalibona okanye bazive bethetha nomnye umntu ngokungathi bathetha nalo.

Izihlobo nezalamane zidla ngokungazi ukuba zifanele zimthuthuzele njani umntu ofelweyo. Ngaba ukho umntu omaziyo oye wafelwa ngumfazi okanye indoda yakhe? Unokumxhasa njani? Yintoni ofanele uyazi ukuze ukwazi ukunceda abahlolo nabahlolokazi? Unokumnceda njani umntu ofelweyo ukuze onwabe kwakhona?

Izinto Ongafanele Uzenze

Izihlobo nezalamane ezifelweyo zinokuthi ngenxa yentlungu ezikuyo zifune ukukhawuleza ziyilibale into ezehleleyo. Noko ke omnye umphengululi owayenze uhlolisiso kubahlolo nabahlolokazi abangama-700 wabhala wathi: “Alikho ixesha ‘elimiselweyo’ lokuba sentlungwini.” Ngoko ke kunokuba nizame ukulithulisa, livumeleni iqabane elisentlungwini likhale ngokwaneleyo.—Genesis 37:34, 35; Yobhi 10:1.

Nangona kunokuba kuhle ukuncedisa kumalungiselelo omngcwabo, musa ukucinga ukuba ufanele uyithabathele ezandleni zakho yonke into. UPaul umhlolo oneminyaka engama-49 ubudala, uthi: “Abantu ababendincedisa bandiyeka ndalawula amalungiselelo omngcwabo omfazi wam ibe ndayithanda gqitha loo nto. Kwandivuyisa ukubona umngcwabo womfazi wam uqhubeka kakuhle. Ndandicinga ukuba leyo yayiyinto yokugqibela endandinokumenzela yona.”

Kuyaqondakala kona ukuba abantu abafelweyo kufuneka bancedwe. UEileen umhlolokazi oneminyaka engama-68 ubudala, uthi: “Kwakunzima ukwenza amalungiselelo omngcwabo ekubeni ingqondo yam yayithath’ ibeka. Ngethamsanqa unyana wam kunye nomolokazana bandinceda kakhulu.”

Kwakhona anifanele nibe madolw’ anzima ukuncokola ngomfi. UBeryl esithethe ngaye ekuqaleni, uthi: “Abahlobo bam bandixhasa kakhulu. Noko ke, ndaphawula ukuba babengathethi ngomyeni wam uJohn. Kwakungathi akazange aphile, yaye loo nto yandenza buhlungu.” Ethubeni abahlolo nabahlolokazi basenokufuna ukuthetha ngamaqabane abo. Ngaba ikho into entle awakha wayenza umfi okanye ibali elihlekisayo onokulibalisa ngaye? Musa ukoyika ukulibalisela lowo ufelweyo. Thetha nangezinto obuzithanda okanye oza kumkhumbula ngazo umfi. Oku kunokunceda iqabane elifelweyo liqonde ukuba asililo lodwa elisentlungwini.—Roma 12:15.

Xa uthuthuzela lowo ufelweyo musa ukumngxixha ngamacebiso. Kwakhona ungamgxagxamisi ukuba enze izigqibo buphuthuphuthu.a Kunoko, sebenzisa ukuqonda uze uzibuze ukuba, ‘Yintoni endinokuyenza ukuze ndincede isihlobo okanye isalamane ngelinye lawona maxesha anzima ebomini?’

Oko Unokukwenza

Kwiintsuku ezisemva kokufelwa umhlolo okanye umhlolokazi usenokudinga uncedo. Ngaba ungamncedisa ekuphekeni, ukwamkel’ iindwendwe okanye umhlalise?

Kwakhona kufuneka uqonde ukuba amadoda nabafazi banokuhlangabezana ngeendlela ezahlukahlukeneyo kunye nentlungu nobulolo. Ngokomzekelo, kwamanye amazwe inkoliso yamadoda afelwe ngabafazi itshata zingekapheli iinyanga ezili-18 emva kokuba ebhujelwe—nto leyo abangafane bayenze abafazi. Ibangelwa yintoni le nto?

Ngokwahlukileyo kwinto edla ngokuthethwa ngabantu abaninzi, amadoda awatshati ngenxa yeentswelo zenyama okanye isondo. Eyona nto ebangela ukuba amadoda abe ngamalolo emva kokufelwa kukuba ayakuthanda ukuzityan’ igila kubafazi bawo. Kwelinye icala abahlolokazi bayakwazi ukuthuthuzelwa ngabanye abantu nangona ngamanye amaxesha beye balityalwe ngabahlobo babayeni. Yile nto ke ebangela ukuba amadoda amaninzi akhawuleze atshate emva kokufelwa nangona oko kusenokuthetha ukuqalisa ubuhlobo obutsha ngokukhawuleza. Abahlolokazi banokuhlangabezana bhetele nobulolo.

Enokuba isihlobo okanye isalamane sakho yindoda okanye ngumhlolokazi, yintoni onokuyenza ukuze umncede angabi lilolo? UHelen ongumhlolokazi oneminyaka engama-49 ubudala uthi: “Abanye baba neenjongo ezintle, kodwa bangaziphumezi. Badla ngokuthi, ‘Uthethe xa kukho into ofuna ndikwenzele yona.’ Kodwa ke ndandiye ndivuye kakhulu xa abanye besithi, ‘Ndiya edolophini, kunganjani xa sinokuhamba kunye?’” UPaul, owafelwa ngumfazi ngenxa yomhlaza uchaza isizathu sokuba avuye xa abanye bemmema. Uthi: “Maxa wambi uye ungakuthandi ukudibana nabanye abantu okanye ukuthetha ngemeko yakho. Kodwa uye uzive bhetele xa uye wahlala nabanye abantu. Lo nto ikwenza ubone ukuba kukho abantu abakukhathalele ngokwenene, ize yenze izinto zibe lula.”b

Apho Lufuneka Ngokwenene Uvelwano

UHelen wafumanisa ukuba wayekufuna ngokwenene ukuthuthuzelwa emva kokuba inkoliso yezalamane zakhe ibuyele emakhaya. Uthi: “Abahlobo nezalamane bayakuxhasa ekuqaleni kodwa ke baphinde babuyele emizini yabo. Kodwa ke obakho ubomi buma ngxi.” Abahlobo abayaziyo loo nto baya kuqhubeka bemxhasa lowo ufelweyo.

Umntu ofelweyo usenokukufuna nangakumbi ukubutha nabanye abantu ngeentsuku ezinokumenza akhumbule iqabane lakhe, njengosuku abatshata ngalo okanye lokufa kweqabane lakhe. UEileen ebekukhe kwathethwa ngaye uthi unyana wakhe osele ekhulile uyamthuthuzela xa kufika usuku oluthile olwalukhethekile kuye nomyeni wakhe. Uthi: “UKevin uye andikhuphe ngezo ntsuku ukuze siye kutya edolophini size sibe nexesha lokuncokola nje sisobabini.” Nawe unokuzibhala phantsi iintsuku owaziyo ukuba isalamane sakho esifelweyo siza kudinga ukuxhaswa ngazo. Unokwenza amalungiselelo okuba kunye naso ngaloo maxesha obunzima.—IMizekeliso 17:17.

Abanye baye baphawula ukuba nabanye abantu abakhe bafelwa banokukwazi ukunceda abanye. Xa ethetha ngexesha awalichitha ebutha nomnye umhlolokazi, uAnnie oneminyaka esibhozo naye engumhlolokazi uthi: “Ukomelela kwakhe kwandikhuthaza gqitha ndaza nam ndaqhubeka nobomi.”

Emva kokunyamezela intlungu yokufelwa, abahlolo nabahlolokazi banokubakhuthaza baze babenze babe nethemba abanye. IBhayibhile isibalisela ngabahlolokazi ababini, uRute nomamazala wakhe uNahomi abaye bakhuthazana emva kokuba befelwe ngabayeni babo. Elo bali lichaza indlela aba bafazi babini abancedana ngayo ukuze banyamezele intlungu nemeko ababekuyo.—Rute 1:15-17; 3:1; 4:14, 15.

Ixesha Lokuphilisa

Ukuze aphinde anandiphe ubomi kwakhona, amaqabane afelweyo kufuneka angasoloko ecinga ngentlungu akuyo de angakwazi ukuzinyamekela. UKumkani uSolomon osisilumko wavuma ukuba ‘likho ixesha lokulila.’ Kodwa ke waphinda wathi kukwakho ‘nexesha lokuphilisa.’—INtshumayeli 3:3, 4.

UPaul ebekuthethwe ngaye ngasentla uchaza indlela ekunzima ngayo ukuqhubeka nobomi emva kokuba ufelwe. Uthi: “Mna nomfazi wam sasiyintlaka nexolo. Kodwa ke ukufa kwasahlukanisa. Ndandikakuqheli tu ukuba ndedwa.” Abanye baye bangafuni ukuqhubeka nobomi kuba befuna ukunyaniseka kwiqabane labo. Abanye bacinga ukuba ukuzonwabisa kuya kuthetha ukungcatsha umfi, ngenxa yoko baye bangafuni ukuhlala nabanye abantu. Sinokubanceda njani abahlolo nabahlolokazi ukuba bachache baze baqhubeke nobomi?

Inyathelo lokuqala esinokulithatha xa sibanceda kukubavumela ukuba baphalaze imbilini yabo. UHebert oneminyaka emithandathu engumhlolo uthi: “Ndandiye ndithande kakhulu xa abantu ababeze kundibona bendiyeka ndibaxelele izinto ezazindikhathaza ngelo xesha. Ndiyazi ukuba kwakungasoloko kulula ukuhlala nam kodwa ke ndaluxabisa uvelwano lwabo.” UPaul yena wayithanda gqitha into yokuba omnye umhlobo wakhe asoloko embuza ukuba uziva njani. Uthi: “Ndaluxabisa gqitha uvelwano lwakhe yaye ndandisoloko ndimxelela indlela endandiziva ngayo.”—IMizekeliso 18:24.

Ukuphalaza imbilini komntu ofelweyo linyathelo elibalulekileyo nelinokumenza ayamkele imeko akuyo. Ukuphalaza imbilini kukaKumkani uDavide koyena mhlobo wakhe usenyongweni uYehova uThixo kwamnceda wafumana amandla ‘okuphakama’ aze akwamkele ukusweleka konyana wakhe owayesandul’ ukuzalwa.—2 Samuweli 12:19-23.

Nangona kusenokuba nzima ekuqaleni, ekuhambeni kwexesha kuye kufuneke ukuba umntu ofelwe liqabane aphinde enze izinto ebekade ezenza. Mhlawumbi ungamcela ukuba akupheleke xa usenza eminye imisebenzi njengokuya edolophini. Mhlawumbi ungacela nomnye umhlobo wakho amncedise xa esenza eminye imisebenzi yakwakhe. Le yenye yeendlela eninokunceda ngazo abantu abafelweyo ukuba bangazenzi amakheswa. Ngokomzekelo, mhlawumbi ungamcela ukuba akugcinele abantwana okanye akufundise ukupheka ukutya okuthile akupheka kamnandi. Ukuba yindoda mhlawumbi ungamcela ukuba akuncedise xa usenza imisebenzi yamadoda. Ngaphezu kokuba ukusebenza okunjalo kumnceda lowo ufelweyo, kuphinda kumbonise ukuba ubomi bakhe busenenjongo.

Xa umntu ofelweyo ethetha nabanye ngentlungu akuyo loo nto imnceda ukuba aphinde onwabe aze aqalise nokwenza ezinye izinto. Kwakunjalo kuYonette umama nomhlolokazi oneminyaka engama-44 ubudala. Uthi: “Kwakunzima gqitha ukuphinda ndenze izinto endandiqhele ukuzenza. Ukwenza imisebenzi yasekhaya, ukuphatha kakuhle imali kunye nokukhulisa abantwana bam abathathu kwakunzima gqitha.” Kodwa ke ekuhambeni kwexesha wafunda ukuzenza kakuhle izinto waza waphucula nendlela awayeqhubana ngayo nabantwana bakhe. Kwakhona wafunda ukulwamkela uncedo lwabahlobo bakhe.

“Ubomi Buya Kusoloko Busisipho Esixabisekileyo”

Ukuze bakwazi ukunceda kakuhle, abahlobo nezalamane kufuneka bayiqonde kakuhle imeko yofelweyo. Kusenokuthatha iinyanga okanye iminyaka umntu ofelweyo etshintshatshintsha phakathi kokonwaba nokuxinezeleka. Ngoko ke yazini ukuba “isibetho sentliziyo yakhe” sinokuba buhlungu kakhulu.—1 Kumkani 8:38, 39.

Kungamaxesha anjalo apho iqabane elifelweyo linokufuna ukukhuthazwa ukuze lingabi likheswa. Uncedo olunjalo luye lwenza abahlolo nabahlolokazi abaninzi bakwazi ukuphinda baqhubeke nobomi. UClaude ongumhlolo oneminyaka engama-60 nongumshumayeli wexesha elizeleyo waseAfrika uthi: “Nasemva kokuva intlungu yokufelwa liqabane, ubomi buya kusoloko busisipho esixabisekileyo.”

Ubomi buyatshintsha emva kokufa kweqabane lakho. Nakuba kunjalo, zininzi izinto ezinokwenziwa ngabo baqhubeka nobomi babo emva kokufelwa.—INtshumayeli 11:7, 8.

[Imibhalo esemazantsi]

[Amagama acatshulweyo akwiphepha 11]

Abahlobo bokwenene baya kusoloko bekho ukuze bakuxhase

[Ibhokisi/Umfanekiso okwiphepha 12]

Ngaba Ukugcina Impahla Yomfi Kukwenza Umkhumbule Okanye Kukwenza Uchache?

UHelen owabhujelwa ngumyeni wakhe kwiminyaka embalwa edluleyo uthi: “Ndazigcina impahla eninzi yomyeni wam. Ndiye ndafumanisa ukuba indenza ndibe neenkumbulo ezimnandi njengokuba ixesha lisiya lihamba. Ndandingafuni ukukhawuleza ndiyichithe impahla yakhe kuba iimvakalelo ziyatshintsha ekuhambeni kwexesha.”

Ngokwahlukileyo koko, uClaude owabhujelwa ngumfazi kwiminyaka emihlanu edluleyo uthi: “Akuyomfuneko ukuba ndisoloko ndibona impahla yakhe ukuze ndimkhumbule. Ndicinga ukuba ukuyichitha impahla yakhe kuye kwandinceda ndayamkela imeko endikuyo.”

Ezi zinto zithethwa ngaba bantu bangasentla zibonisa ukuba abantu basenokuba neembono ezahlukeneyo ngempahla yomfi. Ngenxa yoko izalamane nezihlobo zimele zinganyanzelisi ukuba kwenziwe izinto ngendlela zona ezithanda ngayo.—Galati 6:2, 5.

[Imifanekiso ekwiphepha 9]

Ngaba zikho iintsuku ezikhethekileyo onokumxhasa ngazo lowo ufelweyo?

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 9]

Ungalibali ukubamema

[Imifanekiso ekwiphepha 10]

Yenza eminye yemisebenzi yakho yasekhaya nabahlolo okanye abahlolokazi