Kutheni Uthando Luphela?
“Kubonakala kulula gqitha ukuqala kwabantu ukuthandana kunokuhlala bethandana.”—UGQR. KAREN KAYSER.
MHLAWUMBI akothusi ukwanda kwemitshato engenaluthando. Umtshato lulwalamano lwabantu oluntsonkothileyo, yaye abaninzi balungenela bengenzanga malungiselelo angako. UGqr. Dean S. Edell, uthi: “Kulindeleke ukuba sibe nobuchule ukuze sifumane amaphepha-mvume okuqhuba, kodwa kufuneka sityobele nje kuphela ukuze sifumane amaphepha-mvume omtshato.”
Kodwa, ngoxa imitshato emininzi iphumelela ngokwenene, eminye inamagingxigingxi. Mhlawumbi elinye iqabane okanye omabini angenele umtshato enolindelo olungaphezulu kodwa engenabuchule bufunekayo ukuze abe kulwalamano olungapheliyo. UGqr. Harry Reis uthi: “Xa abantu beqala ukumanyana, omnye uyaqiniseka ngomnye.” Bavakalelwa kukuba iqabane labo “likuphela komntu obona izinto ngendlela efanayo nabo. Le ndlela bavakalelwa ngayo iyaphela maxa wambi, yaye kuthi kwakuba njalo, umtshato ube sesichengeni.”
Okuvuyisayo kukuba, imitshato emininzi ayide ifikelele kwelo nqanaba. Kodwa ngokufutshane makhe sihlolisise izinto eziye maxa wambi zaphelisa uthando.
Ukunganeliseki—“Andizange Ndiyilindele Ke Le”
URose uthi: “Ukutshata kwethu noJim, ndandicinga ukuba kudityaniswe inzwana engenasiphako, nembelukazi—sithandane, siphathane kakuhle nangolwazelelelo.” Kodwa emva kwethuba elithile, “inzwana” kaRose yayingasenamtsalane kangako. Uthi: “Wandidanisa gqitha.”
Imifanekiso eshukumayo emininzi, iincwadi, neengoma ezithandwayo ziluchaza ngendlela engekho ngqiqweni uthando. Ngoxa besathandana, indoda nebhinqa basenokucinga ukuba azalisekile amaphupha abo; kodwa emva kweminyaka embalwa betshatile basenokugqiba kwelokuba bebephupha! Xa ungafani nalowo ukwincwadi yamabali othando, umtshato okwimeko entle usenokubonakala usilela.
Kambe ke, ezinye izinto ozilindelayo emtshatweni zifanelekile. Ngokomzekelo, kufanelekile ukulindela uthando, ingqalelo, nenkxaso yeqabane lakho. Kodwa nezi mfuno zisenokunganeliswa. UMeena ongumtshakazi oselula waseIndiya, uthi: “Ndisoloko ndivakalelwa kukuba anditshatanga. Ndiziva ndililolo yaye ndingahoywanga.”
Ukungafanelani—“Ayikho Into Esifana Ngayo”
Elinye ibhinqa lithi: “Mna nomyeni wam sahluke okwempuma kwintshona phantse kwinto yonke. Mihla le ndizisola ngokukrakra ngesigqibo endasenzayo sokutshata naye. Asifanelani nje ngokuphandle.”
Ngokuqhelekileyo akudli ngakuthatha xesha lide ngesibini esitshatileyo ukufumanisa ukuba asisafanelani njengokuba sasinjalo sisathandana. UGqr. Nina S. Fields ubhala athi: “Umtshato udla ngokubonisa iimpawu eziye zafihlwa ngamaqabane ngalo lonke ixesha engekatshati.”
Loo nto iphumele ekubeni emva komtshato ezinye izibini zibone ukuba azifanelani. UGqr. Aaron T. Beck uthi: “Phezu kwako nje ukukhetha izinto ezifanayo nokuba nobuntu obufanayo, abantu abaninzi batshata bahluke ngokupheleleyo ngendlela yokwenza izinto, imikhwa nezimo zengqondo.” Izibini ezininzi azikwazi kuwuvala loo msantsa.
Ingxabano—“Sisoloko Sixambulisana”
Ekhumbula xa wayesandul’ ukutshata, uCindy uthi: “Yayimangalisa indlela esasisilwa ngayo—singxola okanye ngaphezu koko, siqumbelane kangangeqela leentsuku.”
Xa nitshatile, ziya kusoloko zikho izinto eningavumelani ngazo. Kodwa kusingathwa njani oko? UGqr. Daniel Goleman ubhala athi: “Kumtshato onempumelelo, indoda nomfazi bayakhululeka ukuvelisa izikhalazo zabo. Kodwa ngokuqhelekileyo, xa besemsindweni izikhalazo ziveliswa ngendlela eyenzakalisayo, kuhlaselwa ubuntu beqabane elikhalazelwayo.”
Xa oku kusenzeka, incoko iba ngumlo apho iimbono zikhuselwa ngokuzithemba yaye amazwi aba zizixhobo kunokuba abe yindlela yonxibelelwano. Elinye iqela leengcaphephe lithi: “Enye yezona zinto ziyingozi ngeengxwabangxwaba ezingalawulekiyo kukuba amaqabane adla ngokuthetha izinto ezonakalisa ezona ziseko zomtshato wawo.”
Ukungakhathali—“Sinikezele”
Elinye ibhinqa lavuma lathi emva kweminyaka emihlanu litshatile: “Ndinikezele kumzamo wam wokugcina umtshato wethu. Ndiyazi ukuba awusayi kuphinda usebenze ngoku. Ngoko eyona nto sele ndiyixhalabele ngabantwana bethu.”
Kuthiwa esona sichasi sothando asiyontiyo kodwa kukungakhathali. Eneneni, ukungahoyi kunokuwunqunqa umtshato njengentiyo.
Noko ke, okulusizi kukuba, ezinye izibini ziyawuqhela umtshato ongenaluthando kangangokuba ziye zingabi nathemba lokuba izinto ziya kuze zitshintshe. Ngokomzekelo, enye indoda yathi ukutshata kangangeminyaka engama-23 kufana “nokuba semsebenzini ongawuthandiyo.” Yongezelela ngelithi: “Wenza konke okusemandleni akho kwiimeko ezinjalo.” Ngokufanayo, umfazi ogama linguWendy uye waphelelwa lithemba ngomyeni wakhe abatshate kangangeminyaka esixhenxe. Uthi: “Kudala ndizama, kodwa uyandidanisa. Ndiye ndaphela ndidandathekile. Andifuni iphinde indehlele loo nto. Ukuba ndizinik’ ithemba, kuphela ndakuzivisa intlungu. Kubhetele ndingalindeli nto—akukho nto ndiya kuyinandipha, kodwa kwangaxeshanye andisayi kudandatheka.”
Ukunganeliseki, ukungafanelani, ingxabano nokungakhathali zezinye iinkalo ezinokufak’ isandla kumtshato ongenaluthando. Licacile elokuba kusekho ezinye—ezimbalwa kuzo ezikhankanywe kwibhokisi ekweli nqaku kwiphepha 5. Kungakhathaliseki ukuba uyintoni unobangela, ngaba likho ithemba kumaqabane abonakala ebambiseke kwimitshato engenaluthando?
[Ibhokisi/Umfanekiso okwiphepha 5]
IMITSHATO ENGENALUTHANDO—EZINYE IINKALO
• Imali: “Omnye umntu usenokucinga ukuba ukuceba ngendlela yokusebenzisa imali kuya kunceda kumanyanise isibini sikwazi ukwenza izinto kunye, sibeka ubuncwane baso ukuze sinyamekele iimfuno zaso ezisisiseko zobomi, size sinandiphe iziqhamo zemisebenzi yaso. Kodwa kwakhona, into enokumanyanisa isibini sikwazi ukusebenza kunye inokusahlukanisa.”—UGqr. Aaron T. Beck.
• Ukuba Ngabazali: “Siye safumanisa ukuba ama-67 ekhulwini ezibini aphelelwa lulwaneliseko ngendlela elusizi emtshatweni emva kokuba efumene umntwana wokuqala, yaye kukho amathuba asibhozo engxabano. Oku kubangelwa kukuba aba bazali badiniwe yaye ababi naxesha lilelabo.”—UGqr. John Gottman.
• Ukuqhatha: “Ukunganyaniseki kudla ngokuquka ukuqhatha, yaye ukuqhatha ngokucacileyo kuphelisa ukuthembana. Njengoko ukuthembana kusithiwa kuyinkalo ebalulekileyo kuwo nawuphi na umtshato ohlala ixesha elide, ngaba kuyamangalisa ukuba ukuqhatha kunokuludlakaza ulwalamano lomtshato?”—UGqr. Nina S. Fields.
• Isini: “Ngoxa abantu beququzelela uqhawulo-mtshato, kuxhaphakile ukuba babe sebeneminyaka bengasazinandiphi iintlobano zesini. Kwezinye iimeko bekungasanxityelelwana ngokwesini, yaye kwezinye, iintlobano zesini, ziba yindlela yokwanelisa iimfuno zobuqu.”—UJudith S. Wallerstein, isazi ngokusebenza kwengqondo.
[Ibhokisi/Umfanekiso okwiphepha 6]
BACHAPHAZELEKA NJANI ABANTWANA?
Ngaba indlela oyiyo umtshato wakho inokubachaphazela abantwana bakho? Ngokutsho kukaGqr. John Gottman, obephanda ngezibini ezitshatileyo kangangeminyaka engama-20, impendulo nguewe. Uthi: “Kuhlolisiso esilwenze kabini kangangeminyaka elishumi, sifumanise ukuba iintsana zabazali abangonwabanga ziba neengxaki ezininzi zentliziyo xa zidlala yaye azikwazi kuzipha isiqabu. Ekuhambeni kwexesha, iingxaki zomtshato zikhokelela ekufumaneni amanqaku aphantsi esikolweni, kungakhathaliseki ukuba injani ingqondo yomntwana.” Ngokwahlukileyo, uGqr. Gottman uthi, abantwana bezibini ezitshatileyo ezilungeleleneyo “baqhuba kakuhle esikolweni nasekuhlaleni, kuba abazali babo baye bababonisa indlela yokuqhubana nabanye abantu ngentlonelo nokuhlangabezana neemvakalelo.”