Ko e Hā ʻOku Vaivai Ai ʻa e ʻOfá?

“ʻOku hā ngali faingofua lahi ange ke fakahaaʻi ʻa e ʻofá ʻi he nofo ʻi he ʻofá.”​—DR. KAREN KAYSER.

KO E tupu fakautuutu ʻa e ngaahi nofo mali ʻoku ʻikai ʻi ai ʻa e ʻofá ʻoku ʻikai nai ke fakaʻohovale. Ko e nofo malí ko ha vahaʻangatae fakaetangata fihi ia, pea ʻoku kau ki ai ʻa e tokolahi fakataha mo e siʻisiʻi ʻenau teuteú. “ʻOku fiemaʻu ke tau fakahāhā ha pōtoʻi ʻi he taimi ʻoku tau maʻu ai ha laiseni fakaʻulí,” ko e fakamatala ia ʻa Dr. Dean S. Edell, “ka ko e ngaahi laiseni malí ʻe lava pē ke maʻu ia ʻi ha fakamoʻoni.”

Ko ia ai, lolotonga ʻa e lakalakaimonū ʻa e ngaahi nofo mali lahi pea nau fiefia moʻoní, ʻoku hokosia ʻe he tokolahi ʻa e mafasia fakaefakakaukau. Mahalo ko e tokotaha pe ko e ongo meʻa malí fakatouʻosi naʻá na kau ki he nofo malí fakataha mo e ngaahi ʻamanaki māʻolunga kae ʻikai ke maʻu ʻa e ngaahi pōtoʻi ʻoku fiemaʻu ki ha vahaʻangatae fuoloá. “ʻI he taimi ʻoku ʻuluaki hoko ai ʻo vāofi ʻa e kakaí,” ko e fakamatala ia ʻa Dr. Harry Reis, “ʻoku nau ongoʻi ai ha ongo lahi fakaʻulia ʻo e fefakapapauʻakí.” ʻOku nau ongoʻi ʻo hangē ko honau hoá “ko e tokotaha kehe pē ia ʻe taha ʻi he foʻi māmaní ʻokú ne maʻu ʻa e fakakaukau tatau mo kinautolú. Ko e ongoʻi ko iá ʻoku vaivai ia ʻi he taimi ʻe niʻihi, pea ʻi heʻene hoko iá, ʻe lava ke mātuʻaki fakatupu maumau lahi ki he nofo malí.”

ʻOku fakafiefiá, he ʻoku ʻikai ke aʻusia ʻe he ngaahi nofo mali lahi ʻa e tuʻunga ko iá. Ka te tau lāulea nounou ki ha niʻihi siʻi ʻo e ngaahi meʻa tefito ʻa ia ʻi he tuʻunga ʻe niʻihi kuo nau fakatupunga ke vaivai ʻa e ʻofá.

ʻAmanaki Tōnoá—“ʻOku ʻIkai ko e Meʻa Ia Naʻá Ku ʻAmanekiná”

“ʻI he taimi naʻá ku mali ai mo Jim,” ko e lau ia ʻa Rose, “naʻá ku fakakaukau te ma hangē ko e Pilinisesi mo e Pilinisi Fakaʻofoʻofa ʻi he fanangá—ko e feʻofaʻaki pē mo e feongoʻiʻaki pea mo e fefakaʻatuʻiʻaki.” Neongo ia, ʻi he hili pē ha taimi, naʻe ʻikai ke kei hā ngali fakaʻofoʻofa ʻa e “pilinisi” ʻa Rose. “Naʻe iku ʻo siva lahi ʻa ʻeku ʻamanaki kiate iá,” ko ʻene leá ia.

Ko e ngaahi heleʻuhilá, ngaahi tohí, mo e ngaahi hiva manakoa lahi ʻoku ʻomai ai ha fakatātā taʻemoʻoni ʻo e ʻofá. Lolotonga ʻa e faisoó, ʻoku ongoʻi nai ai ʻe ha tangata mo ha fefine ʻokú na aʻusia ha misi kuo hoko moʻoni; ka ʻi he hili ha ngaahi taʻu siʻi ʻo e nofo malí, ʻokú na fakaʻosiʻaki ko e moʻoni kuo pau pē naʻá na misi! Kapau ʻoku ʻikai ke fakahoko ʻi heʻete nofo malí ʻa e ngaahi ʻamanaki ʻo e talanoa ki he feʻofaʻakí ʻoku hā ngali taʻelavameʻa fakaʻaufuli nai ia.

Ko e moʻoni, ko e ngaahi ʻamanaki ʻe niʻihi ʻi he nofo malí ʻoku totonu fakakātoa. Ko e fakatātaá, ʻoku feʻungamālie ke ʻamanekina ʻa e ʻofá, tokangá, mo e poupou mei hoto hoá. Ka, naʻa mo e ngaahi fakaʻamu ko ení ʻe lava ke ʻalu taʻefakahoko nai ia. “ʻOku ou meimei ongoʻi ʻe au ʻoku ʻikai te u mali,” ko e lea ia ʻa Meena, ko ha finemui naʻe toki mali ʻi ʻInitia. “ʻOku ou ongoʻi taʻelata mo līʻekina.”

ʻIkai Hoamālie—“ʻOku ʻIkai ha Meʻa Te Ma Faitatau Ai”

“Ko au mo hoku husepānití ʻokú ma fehangahangai nai ʻi he meimei meʻa kotoa pē,” ko e lau ia ʻa ha fefine ʻe taha. “ʻOku ʻikai ke hala ha ʻaho te u taʻefakaʻiseʻisa lahi ai ʻi heʻeku fili ke mali mo iá. ʻOku ʻikai ʻaupito pē te ma hoa lelei.”

ʻOku ʻikai faʻa fuoloa ki ha ongo meʻa mali ke na ʻiloʻi ʻoku ʻikai ʻaupito te na faitatau ʻo hangē ko ia naʻe hā ngali ʻoku pehē ʻi he lolotonga ʻo e faisoó. ʻOku faʻa fakahāhā ʻi he nofo malí ʻa e ngaahi anga ʻa ia naʻe ʻikai ke lāuʻilo ki ai ʻa e ongo hoa malí ʻi he kotoa ʻo e taimi naʻe teʻeki ai te na mali aí,” ko e tohi ia ʻa Dr. Nina S. Fields.

Ko hono olá, hili ʻa e nofo malí ʻoku fakaʻosiʻaki nai ʻe he ngaahi hoa mali ʻe niʻihi ʻoku ʻikai te nau hoamālie fakaʻaufuli. “Neongo ʻa e ngaahi tuʻunga meimei tatau ʻe niʻihi ʻi he saiʻiá mo e angaʻitangatá, ʻoku kau ʻa e tokolahi taha ʻo e kakaí ki he nofo malí fakataha mo e ngaahi faikehekehe lahi ʻi he foungá, ngaahi tōʻongá, mo e fakakaukaú,” ko e lau ia ʻa Dr. Aaron T. Beck. ʻOku ʻikai ke ʻiloʻi ʻe he ngaahi hoa mali lahi ʻa e founga ke fakaleleiʻiʻaki ʻa e ngaahi faikehekehe ko iá.

Vākoví—“ʻOkú Ma Fakakikihi Maʻu Pē”

“Naʻá ma ofo ʻi he lahi ʻo ʻema keé—naʻa mo e fekālangaʻi, pe toe kovi ange ai, ʻo faai takai holo ʻi he fakalongolongo loto-ʻita ʻi ha ngaahi ʻaho,” ko e lau ia ʻa Cindy, ʻi heʻene sioloto atu ki he muʻaki ngaahi ʻaho ʻo ʻene nofo malí.

ʻI he nofo malí, ʻoku taʻealakalofi ai ʻa e ngaahi taʻefelotoí. Ka ʻoku anga-fēfē hono fakaleleiʻi kinautolú? “ʻI ha nofo mali lelei,” ko e tohi ia ʻa Dr. Daniel Goleman, “ʻoku ongoʻi tauʻatāina ai ʻa e husepānití mo e uaifí ke na leaʻaki ha lāunga. Ka ʻoku faʻa hoko ʻa e ngaahi lāunga ʻoku fai ʻi he tuʻunga ʻo e vela ʻi he ʻitá ʻo fakahaaʻi ʻi ha tōʻonga fakatupu maumau, ko hano ʻohofi ia ʻo e ʻulungaanga ʻo e hoa malí.”

ʻI he taimi ʻoku hoko ai ení, ko e fetalanoaʻakí ko ha malaʻe tau ia ʻoku maluʻi ai ʻa e ngaahi fakakaukaú ʻaki ʻa e fakapapauʻi mālohi pea ko e ngaahi leá ko e ngaahi meʻatau ia kae ʻikai ko e meʻangāue ki he fetuʻutakí. Ko e lau eni ʻa e timi ʻa ha kau mataotao ʻe taha: “Ko e taha ʻo e ngaahi meʻa fakatupu maumau taha fekauʻaki mo e ngaahi fakakikihi ʻa ia ʻoku tupulekina ʻo taʻemapuleʻí ko e hehema ʻa e ngaahi hoa malí ke leaʻaki ʻa e ngaahi meʻa ʻokú ne fakamanamanaʻi ʻa e meʻa mahuʻinga tefito taha ki heʻenau nofo malí.”

ʻIkai ha Mahuʻingaʻia—“Kuó Ma Foʻi”

“Kuó u foʻi ʻi he feinga ke ʻai ke lelei ʻa ʻema nofo malí,” ko e fakahaaʻi ia ʻe ha fefine ʻe taha hili ʻa ʻene nofo mali ʻi he taʻu ʻe nima. “ʻOku ou ʻiloʻi ʻe ʻikai ʻaupito ke toe lelei ia he taimí ni. Ko ia ko e meʻa pē ʻoku ou tokanga fekauʻaki mo iá ko ʻema fānaú.”

Kuo leaʻaki ʻo pehē ko e fehangahangai moʻoni ʻo e ʻofá ʻoku ʻikai ko e fehiʻá ka ko e ʻikai ha mahuʻingaʻiá. Ko e moʻoni, ko e taʻemahuʻingaʻiá ʻe lava ke faifakaʻauha tatau pē ia mo e fakafilí ki ha nofo mali.

Ko ia ai, ʻoku fakamamahí, he kuo hoko ʻa e ngaahi hoa mali ʻe niʻihi ʻo mātuʻaki anga ki ha nofo mali ʻoku ʻikai ʻi ai ha ʻofá ʻo nau foʻi ai mei ha toe ʻamanaki atu ki ha liliu. Ko e fakatātaá, naʻe pehē ʻe ha husepāniti ʻe taha ko e mali ʻi he taʻu ʻe 23 ʻoku tatau ia mo e “hoko ʻo ʻi ha ngāue ʻoku ʻikai te te saiʻia ai.” Naʻá ne toe tānaki mai: “Fai ʻa e lelei taha te ke malavá ʻi he tuʻunga ko iá.” ʻI he tuʻunga meimei tatau, ko ha uaifi ko hono hingoá ko Wendy kuo ʻikai haʻane toe ʻamanaki ki hono husepāniti naʻá ne mali mo ia ʻo feʻunga mo e taʻu ʻe fitu. “Naʻá ku feinga ʻi ha ngaahi taimi lahi ʻaupito,” ko ʻene leá ia, “ka naʻá ne fakasivaʻi maʻu pē ʻeku ʻamanakí. Naʻá ku iku ai ʻo loto-mafasia. ʻOku ʻikai te u loto ke toe foua ia. Kapau te u fakalahi ʻa ʻeku ʻamanakí, te u loto-mamahi ai pē. ʻOku sai ange ke ʻoua te u ʻamanekina ha meʻa—ʻe ʻikai te u maʻu ha fiefia lahi, ka ʻe ʻikai ai te u hoko ʻo loto-mafasia ʻi ha tuʻunga.”

Ko e ʻamanaki tōnoá, ʻikai hoamālié, vākoví, mo e ʻikai ha mahuʻingaʻiá ʻa e niʻihi pē ʻo e ngaahi meʻa tefito ʻe tānaki atu nai ki ha nofo mali ʻoku ʻikai ʻi ai ʻa e ʻofá. ʻOku hā mahino, ʻoku ʻi ai mo ha meʻa lahi ange—ko ha niʻihi siʻi ai ʻoku fakahaaʻi ia ʻi he puha ʻi he peesi 5. ʻI he ʻikai tokanga ki hono tupuʻangá, ʻoku ʻi ai ha ʻamanaki ki he ngaahi hoa mali ʻa ia ʻoku hā ngali ʻoku nau fihia ʻi ha nofo mali ʻoku ʻikai ʻi ai ʻa e ʻofá?

[Puha/Fakatātā ʻi he peesi 5]

NGAAHI NOFO MALI ʻOKU ʻIKAI ʻI AI ʻA E ʻOFÁ—KO E NGAAHI MEʻA TEFITO KEHE

• Paʻanga: “ʻE fakakaukauloto nai ha taha ko hono palani lelei ʻa e fakamolé ʻe tokoni ia ke fakafāʻūtahaʻi ai ha ongo meʻa fakafou ʻi he tuʻunga ʻo ʻena ngāue fāitaha, ʻo tānaki fakataha ʻa ʻena ngaahi koloá ki he ngaahi meʻa tefito ʻi he moʻuí, pea fiefia ai ʻi he ngaahi fua ʻo ʻena ngāué. Ka ʻi he meʻá ni foki, ko e meʻa ʻoku lava ke ne fakatahaʻi ha ongo meʻa mali ʻi ha fakahoko pisinisi fakatahá ʻoku faʻa ngāue ia ke fakamāvaeʻi kinaua.”—Dr. Aaron T. Beck.

• Tuʻunga ko ha Mātuʻa: “Kuó ma ʻilo ko e peseti ʻe 67 ʻo e ngaahi hoa malí ʻoku nau hokosia ha tōlalo ʻiloa ʻi he fiemālie fakaemalí hili hono fanauʻi ʻenau ʻuluaki tamá, pea ʻoku ʻi ai ʻa e vākovi liunga valu lahi ange. ʻOku hoko eni ʻi ha tuʻunga koeʻuhi ʻoku helaʻia ʻa e ngaahi mātuʻá pea ʻikai ke ʻi ai ha taimi lahi maʻa kinautolu.”​—Dr. John Gottman.

• Kākā: “ʻOku faʻa kau ki he taʻemateakí ʻa e kākā, pea ko e kākaá, ko hono moʻoní, ko hano lavakiʻi ia ʻo e falalá. ʻI hono fakahaaʻi ko e falalá ko ha konga mahuʻinga ia ʻi he kotoa ʻo e ngaahi nofo mali ʻoku lavameʻa ʻi ha taimi fuoloá, ʻoku ʻi ai ha ofo ʻi he lava ke fakatupunga ʻe he kākaá ʻa e maumau lahi ʻi he vahaʻangatae fakaemalí?”​—Dr. Nina S. Fields.

• Fehokotaki Fakasino: “ʻI he aʻu mai ki he taimi ʻoku faile ai ʻe he kakaí ha pepa ki he veté, ko e tuʻunga mole ʻo e fehokotaki fakasinó ʻoku lahi fakaʻulia. ʻI he ngaahi tuʻunga ʻe niʻihi naʻe ʻikai ʻaupito pē ke fokotuʻu ai ha vahaʻangatae fakaefehokotaki fakasino ia, pea ʻi ha ngaahi tuʻunga kehe, naʻe fai fakafatongia pē ai ʻa e fehokotaki fakasinó, ko ha founga pē ki hono fakafiemālieʻi ʻa e ngaahi fiemaʻu fakaesino ʻa hoto hoá.”​—Judith S. Wallerstein, toketā ʻi he kilīniki ki he ʻatamaí.

[Puha/Fakatātā ʻi he peesi 6]

ʻOKU ANGA-FĒFĒ HONO UESIA ʻA E FĀNAÚ?

ʻE lava ʻe he anga ʻo hoʻo nofo malí ʻo uesia ʻa hoʻo fānaú? Fakatatau ki he lau ʻa Dr. John Gottman, ʻa ia kuo fakatotolo ki he ngaahi hoa malí ʻi he taʻu nai ʻe 20, ko e tali ki aí ko e ʻio. “ʻI he ongo hongofuluʻi taʻu ʻe ua ʻo e akó,” ʻokú ne pehē, “kuo mau ʻilo ko e fanga kiʻi pēpē ʻa e ngaahi mātuʻa ʻoku ʻikai ke fiefiá ʻoku vave ange ʻa e tā ʻo honau mafú lolotonga ʻa e ngaahi felāveʻi fakaevaʻingá pea ʻoku ʻikai malava ke fakafiemālieʻi kinautolu. ʻI he faai mai ʻa e taimí, ʻoku iku ʻa e vākovi fakaemalí ki ha lavameʻa māʻulalo ange ʻi he ʻapiakó, tatau ai pē pe ko e hā ʻa e tuʻunga poto ʻo e fānaú.” ʻI hono kehé, ʻoku pehē ʻe Dr. Gottman, ko e fānau ʻa e ngaahi hoa mali feongoongoí “ʻoku nau lelei fakaeako mo fakasōsiale ange, koeʻuhi kuo fakahaaʻi ʻe heʻenau ngaahi mātuʻá kiate kinautolu ʻa e tōʻonga ke fai ki he kakai kehé ʻaki ʻa e fakaʻapaʻapa pea fakaleleiʻi ʻa e ngaahi hohaʻa fakaeongó.”