Uqhawulo-mtshato Luba Nawo Amaxhoba

UKUBA ubunokukholelwa yonke into ebhalwe “ziingcali” ngoqhawulo-mtshato ebudeni beminyaka engamashumi ambalwa adluleyo, ubusenokugqiba ngelithi kuqhawulo-mtshato olwenzeka kule mihla, akukho mntu obekek’ ityala kungekho namntu uba buhlungu.

Abazali abaninzi baye beyiselwa ekuqhawuleni umtshato ziintetho eziliqela eziye zavakaliswa ngokubanzi, ezinjengezithi: Uqhawulo-mtshato lubalungele ngakumbi abantwana kunomtshato ongonwabisiyo; linda nje de abantwana babe ‘kubudala obufanelekileyo,’ uze ubasindise kuyo nayiphi na intlungu; abantwana bayakulibala oku kwenzakala kungokweemvakalelo emva nje kweminyaka embalwa.

Bambi baye bazixhasa ezi mbono zokubambisa abantu isisila sehobe. Ngokomzekelo, umbhali uSusan Gettleman noJanet Markowitz abayikholelwa “intsomi yomntwana owenzakalisiweyo.” Bathi akuyomfuneko ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lubenzakalise abantwana lo gama nje abazali ‘beluphatha ngendlela ebonakalisa ukuba bavuthiwe.’ Bakwaphiki-​sa ngelokuba uqhawulo-mtshato lwabazali lusenokunceda abantwana ekuhlangabezaneni nolwabo uqhawulo-mtshato ngenye imini! Bathi: “Ezona nguqulelo zokwenene zimele zibe kulwalamano lomtshato ngokwawo nakumahla-ndinyuka obomi basekhaya ngokwabo.”​—⁠The Courage to Divorce.

Kodwa ngaba ezo ngcamango zigxininiswayo ngokwenene zivakala ziyinyaniso? Kwihlabathi olwandayo kulo uqhawulo-mtshato, ziziphi iingxaki ngokwenene abantwana abajamelana nazo ngenxa yoqhawulo-mtshato? Ngaba liyinyaniso elokuba akukho mntu uba buhlungu?

Ilahleko Enkulu Gqitha

Ngowe-1971, abaphengululi baseUnited States uJudith Wallerstein noJoan Berlin Kelly baqalisa uhlolisiso olubalaseleyo lwemiphumo ehlala ithuba elide yoqhawulo-mtshato ezintsatsheni. Banyula iintsapho ezingama-60 ezazikwintlekele yoqhawulo-mtshato. Zidibene, ezi ntsapho zazinabantwana abali-131 abaphakathi kweminyaka emi-⁠2 neli-18 ubudala. Okwababambisa ongezantsi aba baphengululi kukuba, bafumanisa ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato phantse ukuba aluzange lubangele isiqabu ebantwaneni. Oku kwabanjalo kwanaxa abazali babo babengonwabanga emtshatweni. Kunoko, uqhawulo-mtshato lwabashiya bedandatheke ngokugqithiseleyo abantwana.

Ngaba oku kwakubangelwa nje lunxunguphalo lokwexeshana? Kulusizi ukuthi, akunjalo. Emva kweminyaka emihlanu, ama-37 ekhulwini abantwana ayedandathekile ngokomlinganiselo othile de abe adandatheke ngokuqatha. Inkoliso yabo yayisenethemba lokuba abazali babo babeza kubuyelana​—⁠kwanokuba babephinde batshata! Emva kweminyaka eli-10 okanye kwaneli-15, phantse isiqingatha sabantwana ekwakwenziwe kubo uhlolisiso “babengenele ukukhulela ebuntwini obudala bekhathazekile, bengenampumelelo ingako, bezibeka ityala ibe maxa wambi bengamadoda namabhinqa aselula asoloko enomsindo.”

Imiphumo enjalo yabonakala inxamnye nobulumko obaziwa ngokubanzi. Kunjengokuba uWallerstein ebhala esenjenje: “Esakufumanayo kwakwahluke ngokupheleleyo koko sasikulindele. Oku kwakuziindaba ezingamkelekiyo kubantu abaninzi, ibe safumana iileta ezazivakalisa ukunganeliseki ezazivela kwiingcali zezonyango, abazali namagqwetha besithi ngokungathandabuzekiyo sasingachananga.”

Noko ke, aba bantwana babengaxoki; olunye uhlolisiso luye lwasiqinisekisa isigqibo sikaWallerstein noKelly. IJournal of Social Issues yathi abantu abaninzi abakwizigxina ezithile, njengabo basebenza ngenzululwazi engokokuziphatha kwabantu ebuthweni, “bakholelwa kwelokuba ukwahlukana kwabazali nokonakala komtshato kuba nomphumo ongemhle ngokugqithiseleyo ebantwaneni nakwabo bafikisayo.” Lo lindixesha wongezelela ngokuthi iinkolelo ezinjalo “ubukhulu becala, ziye zangqinwa ziyinyaniso,” ecaphula okufunyanisiweyo okunjengoku: Abantwana babazali abaqhawule umtshato baba nomlinganiselo ophakamileyo weendlavini nowezimilo ezibi kunabantwana abakwiintsapho ezingaqhekekanga; umlinganiselo wokunyangwa kwabantwana babazali abaqhawule umtshato kwizibhedlele zezifo zengqondo usenokuba ngophindwe kabini kunowabantwana beentsapho ezingaqhekekanga; kunokwenzeka ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lungunobangela ophambili wokudandatheka kwabantwana.

Kuthekani Ngabantwana Abasele Bekhulile?

Abantwana abasele bekhulile baluphatha uqhawulo-mtshato ngendlela efaneleke ngakumbi kunaleyo yabo baselula. Xa abantwana abafikisayo bebona uqhawulo-mtshato lwabazali babo, basenokuva intlungu yokudideka okunzulu okonakalisa imbono yabo ngomtshato nangolunye ulwalamano, olunjengolwesikolo. Bambi bagqiba ngelithi lonke ulwalamano aluthembekanga. Ngenye imini luya kuphelela kumaqhina awahlukeneyo ngenxa yokunganyaniseki nokungathembeki.

Bedideke ngale ndlela, bambi abakwishumi elivisayo baguqukele kubomi obunxaxhe ngokugqithiseleyo xa abazali babo beqhawula umtshato. Bambi babhenela kwiziyobisi, bambi bazilahlela ekuziphatheni okubi ngokwesini, bambi bayalishiya ikhaya. Okokuqala abanye babonakala bengalunanzi uqhawulo-mtshato baze bavakalelwe kamva. Kunokwenzeka ukuba asiyonto efane nje yenzeke ukuba, njengokuba iphephancwadi iThe Washingtonian laphawulayo, ukwanda koqhawulo-mtshato kulingana nokwanda kwabantu abakwishumi elivisayo abaye banezigulo ezinxulumene nokungatyi kwanokuzibulala.

Ngoko abazali abalinde ixesha elililo, belinde de abantwana babo babe ‘kubudala obufanelekileyo’ ngaphambi kokuqalisa ukuqhawula umtshato, basenokuba balinde ukuza kukaNxele. Akubonakali ngathi kukho ‘ubudala obufanelekileyo’ obunempembelelo engaqhelekanga apho bathi abantwana kubo batyhubele uqhawulo-mtshato ngaphandle kokuva ubuhlungu.a Ingcali kwezentlalo uNorval D. Glen wakwathi kwiphephancwadi iPsychology Today abantwana basenokuba nentlungu yemiphumo emibi yoqhawulo-mtshato “ezingisa ngokungapheliyo ubomi babo bonke.” Waqukumbela ngelithi: “Uthile umele ayamkele ngokunzulu ingcamango ephazamisayo yokuba inani elandayo labantwana babazali abaqhawule umtshato liya kukhokelela ekuhleni okuthe ngcembe kodwa okuqinisekileyo komgangatho wentlalo-ntle yabantu.”

Kodwa oku kufunyanisiweyo, olu hlolisiso, nolu qikelelo, lusoyikisa kangaka, aluthethi ukuba wonke umntwana wabazali abaqhawule umtshato nakanjani na uza kuphila ubomi obuneenkathazo. Noko ke, zibonisa ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato luzisa ingozi enkulu ngokwenene ebantwaneni. Umbuzo ngulo: Banokukhuselwa njani abantwana kwimiphumo yoqhawulo-mtshato?

Liliphi Ithemba Elikhoyo Ngabantwana?

Akukho nkuselo elunge njengokuluthintela. Kunjengokuba uGqr. Diane Medved ekubeka oku ngale ndlela kwincwadi yakhe ethi The Case Against Divorce: “Simele siyeke ukuvumela amaxhala okuzingca abe kuphela kwento eyenza sifikelele kwisigqibo sokuqhawula umtshato.” Alinakuthandabuzeka elokuba ukuzicingela ngokugqithiseleyo, isimo sengqondo sokuthi ndim kuqala esiye sangena kwibutho labantu banamhla siye sayisingela phantsi imitshato emininzi. Zinokulwisana njani izibini ezitshatileyo nale mpembelelo zize zenze umtshato wazo uhlale uhleli?

IBhayibhile ithi uMbhali wayo unguMyili womtshato. Ukuqinisekisa eli bango, icebiso leBhayibhile ngomtshato lisebenza ngokwenyaniso. Liye lanceda izigidi zamadoda nabafazi ukuba baphucule uhlobo lobomi beentsapho zazo. IBhayibhile iye yasindisa imitshato emininzi kuqhawulo-mtshato. Nawe inokukunceda.b

Noko ke, kulusizi ukuthi, uqhawulo-mtshato alusoloko luphepheka okanye luthinteleka. Luyinto yemihla ngemihla kweli hlabathi lanamhla. Bambi abazali bafunda ngemilinganiselo kaThixo ngomtshato emva kokuba sele beqhawule umtshato. Sekunjalo abanye bahlala benyanisekile kuloo milinganiselo, baze nje baphoxwe liqabane elizingcayo, eliziphethe kakubi. IBhayibhile ngokwayo iyavuma ukuba zimbi iimeko ezingalawulekiyo zenza ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lwamkeleke. (Mateyu 19:⁠9) Kodwa njengokuba uYesu wafundisayo, kuyinto engenakwenzeka ukwenza nasiphi na isigqibo sobulumko ngaphandle kokuthi kuqala ‘ubale iindleko.’​—⁠Luka 14:⁠28.

Ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lusisibakala esingenakuphetshwa, eli ngokuqinisekileyo asiloxesha lakuzithwalisa ubunzima ngenxa yokuzibek’ ityala okanye ngokuzisola. Eli lixesha lokuba upholise eli duma ebantwaneni. Oku kunokwenzeka! UGqr. Florence Bienenfeld, umcebisi nomxolelanisi ohlonelwa ngokubanzi kwimibandela engoqhawulo-mtshato, ubaqinisekisa ngoku abazali abaqhawule umtshato: “Akuyomfuneko ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lube yintlekele yamaGrike apho kufa kuyo abantu bonke. Abantu banokusinda bonke, baze ekuhambeni kwexesha, babuye baxole, baphile baze baqhubeke kakuhle gqitha.”​—⁠Helping Your Child Succeed After Divorce.

Kodwa kungenziwa njani oku? Yintoni enokwenziwa ngabazali, izalamane nabahlobo ukunceda abantwana babazali abaqhawule umtshato?

[Umbhalo osemazantsi]