Isivuno Esibi Soqhawulo-mtshato

ASINGOMAGQWETHA, abahlobo, amaziko osasazo okanye “iingcali” ezibandezelekayo ngenxa yemiphumo yoqhawulo-mtshato. Zizibini eziqhawula umtshato​—⁠nabantwana bazo⁠—​ezibandezelekayo ekugqibeleni.a Kunokuba lube ngamava akhululayo, uqhawulo-mtshato lunokuzisa intlungu enzulu.

Kwincwadi ethi The Case Against Divorce, uDiane Medved uyavuma ukuba ngokusisiseko ebefuna ukubhala incwadi engayi “kuthabatha cala” ngokuphathelele uqhawulo-mtshato. Noko ke, waziva enyanzelekile ukuba aguqule indlela acinga ngayo. Ngoba? Ubhala esenjenje: “Ngokulula nje, kuhlolisiso lwam ndiye ndafumanisa ukuba inkqubo nomphumo woqhawulo-mtshato mbi ngokupheleleyo​—⁠emzimbeni, engqondweni nasemphefumlweni⁠—​ngokokude kwiimeko ezininzi gqitha, ‘unyango’ oluluzisayo ngokuqinisekileyo lubi ngakumbi ‘kunesifo’ somtshato.”

UAnn, okhankanywe kwinqaku elandulelayo, uvumelana noku esithi: “Ndandicinga ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lwaluya kundikhulula. Ndandicinga ukuba ukuba nje ndandinokuphuma kulo mtshato, izinto zaziya kuhamba kakuhle. Kodwa ngaphambi koqhawulo-mtshato, ubuncinane intlungu endandikuyo yayindenza ndizive ndiphila. Emva kokuba ndiwuqhawulile umtshato, andizange ndizive nokuziva ndiphilile. Kwakukho isithuba esikhulu ngokokude ndizive ndingaphili. Kwakukubi ngokwenene. Andikwazi ukuyichaza indlela endaziva ndingento yanto ngayo.” Emva koqhawulo-mtshato, amadinga enkohliso enkululeko nokuchulumanca aphela kwaza kwavela izinto zokwenene ezidandathekisayo zokuphila kwemihla ngemihla.

Inyaniso engenakuphikwa yeyokuba, kwanokuba kukho izizathu ezingokwasemthethweni zoqhawulo-mtshato, imiphumo yalo inokuba buhlungu ize ihlale ithuba elide. Ngoko nabani na ocinga ngesenzo esiqatha ngolo hlobo uya kwenza ngobulumko ukuba uthobela isiluleko sikaYesu kuqala: ‘Bala iindleko.’ (Luka 14:​28) Ngokungqalileyo, ziziphi ezinye zeendleko, eminye yemiphumo ebuhlungu yoqhawulo-mtshato?

Imiphumo Engokweemvakalelo Nengokokuziphatha

Uhlolisiso lwakutshanje olupapashwe kwi Journal of Marriage and the Family lubonise ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lunxulumene nokungonwabi nodandatheko. Kunokwenzeka ukuba abantu abaqhawule umtshato badandatheke ngakumbi, yaye abo baye baqhawula umtshato kangangezihlandlo ezingaphezu kwesinye kunokwenzeka ukuba badandatheke ngokufuthi ngakumbi. Isazinzulu ngezentlalo uLenore Weitzman, kwincwadi yakhe ethi The Divorce Revolution, uthi abantu abaqhawule umtshato nabahlukeneyo ngabona bantu baquqa bebuyelela kwizibhedlele zokunyanga abantu abaneengxaki zengqondo nezingokweemvakalelo; kwakhona bakwafumana izigulo ezininzi, ukufa ngaphambi kwexesha nokuzibulala.

Kuhlolisiso lwakhe lwabantu abanokuba ngama-200, uMedved wafumanisa ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lwashiya amadoda namabhinqa ephazamisekile ngokweemvakalelo kangangomlinganiselo weminyaka esixhenxe, abanye kangangamashumi eminyaka. Wafumanisa ukuba, ekuphela kwento uqhawulo-mtshato olungazange luyichaphazele, yayilikhondo lehambo eyenzakalisayo eyakhokelela isibini ukuba kwasekuqaleni siqhawule umtshato. Ngoko, akumangalisi ukuba imitshato yesibini ikwasesichengeni esingakumbi sokungaphumeleli kuneyokuqala!

Kunokuba lulungise ihambo, uqhawulo-mtshato ngokufuthi lunomphumo ombi ekuziphatheni okuhle. Abaphengululi baye bafumanisa ukuba emva koqhawulo-mtshato, inkoliso yamadoda namabhinqa ngokufutshane ingena kuhlobo oluthile lokufikisa kwesibini. Bangcamla inkululeko yabo abayifumene ngokutsha ngokutshintshatshintsha abantu abathandana nabo khon’ ukuze bandise ukuzixabisa kwabo okuphelayo okanye baphelise ubulolo. Kodwa ukwenza amadinga okuthandana ngenxa yezizathu ezinjalo zokuzikholisa kunokukhokelela ekuziphatheni okubi ngokwesini, nako okunoludwe lwemiphumo yako eyintlekele. Yaye ngokukhethekileyo kunokubenzakalisa abantwana engqondweni nangokweemvakalelo ukubona abazali babo beqhuba ngolu hlobo.

Noko ke, ngokufuthi gqitha izibini eziqhawule umtshato sele zivumele zaza zaxhasa impembelelo yenkohliso yehlabathi yokuba iintswelo neminqweno yazo yobuqu iza kuqala. Ngaloo ndlela, zizenza lukhuni ukuze zingayiva intlungu eziyibangelayo kubomi obuzingqongileyo​—⁠obabantwana, obabazali nobabahlobo bazo. Zimbi ziyalibala ukuba kwanoThixo unokuba nentliziyo ebuhlungu xa siyityeshela imilinganiselo yakhe. (Thelekisa INdumiso 78:​40, 41; Malaki 2:​16.) Kwakhona uqhawulo-mtshato lunokuba ngumbandela olihlazo gqitha, ingakumbi xa luphelela kumadabi asezinkundleni zomthetho zisilwela ilungelo lokugcinwa kwabantwana nempahla.

Intlekele Engokwemali

Ukongezelela uLenore Weitzman waqukumbela ngokuthi kwakhona uqhawulo-mtshato ‘luwathwaxa ngokwasemalini’ amabhinqa aseUnited States. Ngokomlinganiselo, imali yawo ayahlulela kwizinto eziyimfuneko ezinjengokutya, indawo yokuhlala nezinto zokubasa. Wafumanisa ukuba, umgangatho wawo wokuphila, uye wehla ngokunxunguphalisayo kangangama-73 ekhulwini emva koqhawulo-​mtsha⁠to!

Wayelindele ukufumanisa ukuba imithetho yale mihla, “ekhanyiselweyo” yoqhawulo-mtshato yayiya kusebenza njengesikhuselo samabhinqa. Kunoko, wafumanisa ukuba abafazi banikela ingxelo yokuba babeziva bengenathemba yaye beswele emva koqhawulo-mtshato. Babethetha ngokubhenela ngokukhawuleza kwiinkqubo zentlalo-ntle, kwizitampu ezinikelwa ngurhulumente zokuthenga ukutya, kwiindawo ezilungiselelwe abantu abangenamakhaya nakwiindawo ezinikela kubantu abahluphekileyo ukutya okusisiseko. Onke ama-70 ekhulwini amabhinqa ekwenziwa udliwano-ndlebe nawo anikela ingxelo yokuba ayesoloko ezikhathaza ngokungabi namali yaneleyo yokuhlawula amatyala awo. Wambi ayeziva enoloyiko, unxunguphalo yaye ekwangamakheswa asoloko enxulumana nabantwana bawo kuphela, engenaxesha lakuzinyamekela.

Umfana esiya kumbiza ngokuba nguTom, abazali bakhe abaqhawula umtshato xa wayeneminyaka esibhozo ubudala, ukhumbula oku: “Emva kokuba uTata emkile, sasisoloko sinako ukutya, kodwa ngequbuliso, sasiphila ngenkonkxa yesiselo esibandayo. Sasingakwazi ukufumana iimpahla ezintsha. Kwakufuneka umama asenzele zonke iihempe zethu. Xa ndikhangela kwimifanekiso yethu bantwana ngelo xesha, ngumfanekiso olusizi wabantu abakhangeleka begula.”

Ekubeni inkoliso yamabhinqa ifumana ilungelo lokugcina abantwana yaye ootata abaninzi besilela ekuhlawuleni imali yesondlo sabantwana abayiyalelwe yinkundla​—⁠nayo edla ngokuba ncinane gqitha⁠—​uqhawulo-mtshato lubangela amabhinqa ahlupheke gqitha kunamadoda. Sekunjalo, uqhawulo-mtshato kwelinye icala lusenokungawabangeli amadoda ukuba abe zizityebi ngokwenene. Incwadi ethi Divorced Fathers ithi iinkcitho ezingokwasemthethweni kuphela zinokubiza isiqingatha sayo yonke ingeniso yonyaka yendoda. Kwakhona uqhawulo-mtshato luyabenzakalisa ngokweemvakalelo abayeni nootata. Abaninzi baye bathuthunjiswa kukuthotywa kwabo ekubeni babe ziindwendwe nje kuphela ebomini babantwana babo.

Wulondoloze Umtshato Wakho!

Ngoko, akumangalisi nakancinane, ukuva ukuba, kuhlolisiso lwabantu abaye baqhawula umtshato kangangonyaka, ama-81 ekhulwini abayeni/ootata nama-97 ekhulwini abafazi/oomama bavuma ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lusenokuba lwaluyimpazamo yaye babefanele bazame ngamandla ukwenza umtshato wabo uphumelele. “Iingcali” ezininzi ngakumbi nazo zinomdla ongamandla wokurhoxa kwizimo zazo zengqondo zokungawuxabisi umtshato ebezizixhasa ngaphambili. Kutshanje iLos Angeles Times iye yathi: “Ngaphezu kweminyaka engama-25 ziqwalasele imiphumo, iingcali ezininzi . . . zizabalaza ngamandla ukusindisa imitshato.”

Kambe ke, ukurhoxa kulula gqitha ‘kwiingcali.’ Enyanisweni, ekuphela kwento ezimele ziyenze, kukuthi, “Yoo! Uxolo!” zize ziqalise ukuvakalisa isigidimi esahlukileyo. Akulula kangako ngamawaka abantu abaye balandela icebiso lazo. Sekunjalo, amaxhoba oqhawulo-mtshato anokufunda izifundo ezibalulekileyo kumava azo akrakra, njengeso sichazwe ngokufutshane kumazwi akwiNdumiso 146:​3, 4 athi: “Musani ukukholosa ngamanene, ngonyana womntu, yena ungenalo usindiso. Uyaphuma umoya wakhe, abuyele yena emhlabeni wakhe; ngaloo mini ayatshitsha amabhongo akhe.”

Abahlobo, iingcali, amagqwetha nabadumileyo kwezosasazo bangabantu nje abangafezekanga. Ngoko xa sifuna icebiso ngomtshato, kutheni sithembela ngokupheleleyo kubo? Ngaba bekungayi kuba sengqiqweni ngakumbi ukuqala ngokubhenela kuYehova uThixo, uMyili womtshato? Imilinganiselo yakhe ayiguqulwa lutyekelo oluguquguqukayo lwezimvo ‘zeengcali.’ Iye yahlala iyinyaniso kangangamawaka eminyaka, yaye iyasebenza namhlanje.

UAndrew noAnn baqalisa ukukuqonda oku ngaxa lithile emva kokuba beqhawule umtshato. Baqonda ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato lwabo lwaluyimpazamo enkulu gqitha. Noko ke, kuyaphawuleka ukuba babengashiywanga lixesha. Babuyelana baza batshata kwakhona. Yaye baqalisa ukuyiguqula indlela abacinga ngayo. UAndrew ukhumbula oku: “Ndaqonda ukuba imilinganiselo yam yokuziphatha yayiwohlokile, ibe ndandifuna uncedo. Okwesihlandlo sokuqala emva kweminyaka emininzi, ndakuthandazela oku. Ndandifuna ukwenza okulungileyo; ngoko ndandifanele ndiyeke oko ndandikwenza ndize ndiyithiye yonke imilinganiselo yokuziphatha endayichola ehlabathini. Ndandingasayifuni kwaphela.”

UAnn uyamngqinela esithi: “Isizathu sokuba sibe kunye ngoku, sidlulile kwelo xesha libi langaphambili, sikukuba sobabini besifuna ngokwenene ukuba ngabalungileyo phambi koYehova. Ibe ngokwenene besifuna ukuba umtshato wethu uphumelele.” Oko akuthethi ukuba ukususela ngoko indlela ibe yemqengqelezi. “Ngoku sisoloko silulumkele ulwalamano lwethu, njengenja elindayo. Yaye ukuba omnye wethu uvakalelwa kukuba luyakhukuliseka, siya kuthetha ngako oku.”

Ngoku uAndrew noAnn bakhulisa abantwana ababini abonwabileyo. UAndrew ukhonza njengesicaka solungiselelo kwibandla lamaKristu lamaNgqina kaYehova. Kambe ke, izinto azigqibelelanga ngokupheleleyo. Akukho mtshato uya kuze ugqibelele kweli hlabathi lidala. Oko kunokwenzeka njani, ekubeni umanyanisa abantu ababini abangafezekanga? Kungeso sizathu iBhayibhile ilumkisa ngelokuba ukususela kwixesha lokungena kwesono ehlabathini, umtshato uzisa umlinganiselo othile ‘wembandezelo enyameni.’ (1 Korinte 7:​28) Ngaloo ndlela, umtshato awuyonto efanele ingenelwe ngokulula; nabani na ocinga ngomtshato ufanele achithe ixesha elaneleyo ezabalazela ukumazi lowo anqwenela ukuba abe liqabane lakhe. Yaye xa sele uwungenele, umtshato udla ngokuba luyolo kuphela kangangemizamo oyinikela kuwo.

Noko ke, kucacile ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato nalo alufanele luthatyathwe lula. Xa uqhawulo-mtshato lubonakala luyimfuneko okanye lungaphepheki, ngokuqinisekileyo uThixo unokusinika uncedo olufunekayo lokunyamezela amaxesha anzima anokulandela. Kodwa ukuba silandela utyekelo lwehlabathi lokwamkela ingcamango yokulithabatha lula ilungiselelo elingcwele lomtshato, ngubani oya kusikhusela kwimiphumo yobudenge obunjalo? Ngoko wulondoloze umtshato wakho. Kunokuba ulungele ukuwuphelisa xa izinto zingahambi ngendlela, zama ukucombulula iingxaki. Zama ukuwulungisa kunokuwuchitha. Khangela kwiLizwi likaThixo ukuze ufumane amacebiso asebenzisekayo kwiingxaki zomtshato.b Zikho izicombululo. Yaye ziyasebenza.

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Wulondoloze umtshato wakho ngokuchitha ixesha nisenza izinto kunye njengentsapho