Abantu Abaselula Bayabuza . . .
Kutheni Ndifanele Ndibe Nguntondo?
Kutyekelwe ekubeni untondo ajongwe “njengosana” lwentsapho.
“Ndiyithiy’ egazini into yokuba ndifanele ndihlawulele iimpazamo ezenziwe ngabasakwethu abadala.”
“Umkhuluwa wam uyandibetha xa eneengxaki.”
ULILIA ubhala athi: ‘Ndingoyena umncinane kwabahlanu. Yaye akumnandi kwaphela. Ndisoloko ndishiywa ndedwa kuba akukho bani ufuna ukube ekhathazwa “lusana.” Abanakwethu nabasakwethu bakuthiye egazini ukundinyamekela. Ndisoloko ndiziva ndiluxanduva. Ngamanye amaxesha ndiziva ngokungathi ndindedwa ekhaya kuba kufuneka ndichithe ixesha elininzi ndizidlalela ndedwa.’
UFaye wayengoyena umncinane kubantwana abane. Ukhumbula oku: “Abazali bam babesoloko bekukholelwa oko kwakuthethwa ngumntakwethu omdala kunoko kwakuthethwa ndim. Yaye aba badala babenezihlobo zabo. Ndaba yinkom’ edla yodwa.”
Ngaba ungoyena mntwana umncinane kowenu? Ngoko unokuba nezikhalazo ezifanayo. Abanye basenokukufumanisa kuhlekisa ukwazi ukuba “ulusana” lwentsapho. Kodwa kuwe, ukuba nguntondo akuyonto yokuhlekisa.
Iingxaki Zokuba Nguntondo
Ngokomzekelo, ngaba uvakalelwa kukuba umkhuluwa okanye umsakwenu omdala uphethwe kakuhle? Usenokuba nesizathu sokuvakalelwa ngale ndlela. Kumaxesha okubhalwa kweBhayibhile izibulo lalinandipha isikhundla esikhethekileyo; untondo ebekwa ngasemva xa kwakufikelelwa kumalungelo neembopheleleko ezithile. (Thelekisa iGenesis 25:31; 43:33.) Namhlanje, abazali basatyekele ekubeni namabhongo aphakamileyo ngamazibulo abo. Asikukuba balithanda ngaphezulu kunabanye abantwana babo, kodwa ngenxa yokuba lilidala, lisenokuba nembopheleleko yokunyamekela abantakwalo abancinane. Kukhule lona kuqala, yaye ngenxa yoko ngokufuthi linikwa amalungelo nenkululeko enqwenelekayo.
Noko ke, untondo ujongwa “njengosana” lwentsapho yaye usenokugutyungelwa luthando lwabazali! Ibhinqa elikhankanywe kwincwadi ethi Sibling Rivalry, ebhalwe nguSeymour V. Reit, likhumbula oku: “Ndandinguntondo ekhaya . . . Ndandisenziwa usana yaye ndandibekwe esweni ngezinto ezingenamsebenzi, kwanangabanye abadala entsatsheni. Kakade ke ndandikunandipha oko, kodwa ndicinga ukuba oko kwakundenza ndibe nendawo yokungaqiniseki. Oko ngekwakundithintele ekukhuleni kwam, ndingakwazi ukujamelana nocelomngeni.”
Kwanabakho abazali basenokugabadela ekuzameni ukukukhusela. Basenokuvumela abantakwenu abadala ukuba bahambe baye kuzonwabisa kunye nezihlobo kodwa wena basenokukunyanzelisa ukuba uhlale ekhaya—okanye ubuye kuselithuba ngokokude ube noluvo lokuba akukho sizathu sokuba uhambe okokuqala!
Ngokuba nguntondo, usenokuba lixhoba lokuthelekiswa nabanye ngokungekho sikweni. UKarl oneminyaka eli-16 ubudala ukhalaza ngelithi: “Xa ndenze into ecaphukisa abazali bam okanye xa ndenze into yobudenge ekhaya, abazali bam baya kuthi, ‘UAlan akayenzi loo nto’ okanye bathi, ‘Kutheni ungacoci igumbi lakho njengoAlan?’” Yaye ukuba umntakwenu omdala ebenesimo sengqondo semvukelo xa wayengangawe ngeminyaka, lumka! Abazali bakho basenokwenza umgudu onzima wokuba bathintele into enjalo ukuba ingaphindi yenzeke. Enye intombazana yakhalaza yathi, “Ndiyithiyile into yokuba ndifanele ndihlawulele iimpazamo zabasakwethu abadala. Kuba nje udade wethu waboleka inqwelo-mafutha waza waya kwenye indawo awayengafanelanga ukuba aye kuyo, mna andinakuyiboleka inqwelo-mafutha!”
Ukuxabana Nabantakwenu
Noko ke, isikhalazo sakho esikhulu sisenokuba yindlela ophathwa ngayo ngabantakwenu. Basenokungakuhloneli ukufuna kwakho ukuba wedwa okanye izinto zakho zobuqu. Basenokukwenza intlekisa ngokuzingisileyo okanye bakwenze ityholo lokuzimela leempazamo zabo. Enye inkwenkwana eselula yakhalaza yathi, “Umkhuluwa wam uyandibetha xa eneengxaki.”
USusannah oselula walatha oko ngokufuthi kudla ngokuba ngunobangela weengxabano ezinjalo zabantwana bomzi omnye. Uthi: “Ndicinga ukuba imilo emininzi ibangelwa ligunya yaye ibangelwa nakukufuna ukwazi lowo unelungelo kwinto ethile.” Kungokwemvelo ukufuna ukuthandwa, ukugqalwa njengomntu, nokwamkelwa ngabazali. Yaye ekubeni phantse kungenakwenzeka ngabazali bakho ukuba babaphathe bonke abantwana babo ngendlela efanayo, kusenokubakho iingxabano neentiyo. Usolusapho uYakobi “wayemthanda uYosefu ngaphezu kwabo bonke oonyana bakhe.” Yaba njani intsabelo yabantakwabo? “Bamthiya, ababa nakuthetha naye bexolile.” (Genesis 37:3, 4) Njengontondo, usenokuthandwa uze unyanyekelwe gqitha ngabazali bakho. Ukuba kunjalo, abantakwenu basenokungakuthandi. URoseanna intombazana engunomafungwashe okwishumi elivisayo uthi: “Ndandicinga ukuba umsakwethu wayefumana yonke into awayeyifuna. Ndaqonda ukuba ndandimmonela.”
Iingenelo
Sekunjalo, ukuba nguntondo kuneengenelo ezininzi. Abazali bakho basenokuba bame kakuhle ngokwemali kunangokuya babesaqala ukuba ngabazali. Ngaloo ndlela unokunandipha iingenelo zezinto eziphathekayo, ezinjengokuba negumbi lakho, abantakwenu abangazange bazifumane xa babengangawe. Yaye ngoxa lumbi ulutsha lungakulungelanga ukunxiba iimpahla ezindala, oluzambulelwe ngabantakwalo abadala usenokuba neempahla ezininzi kunezoontanga bakho!
Enye ingenelo ngamava afunyenwe ngabazali bakho ekukhuliseni abantwana. (Thelekisa amaHebhere 5:14.) Ngokungathi kunjalo, abakhuluwa nabasakwenu abadala bafumaneka ‘njengababezokubaphazamisa’ njengabazali. Befunde kwiimpazamo zabo zexesha elidluleyo, abazali bakho basenokuba bayekelele umxakatho yaye baziva benqabiseke ngakumbi kwiindima zabo, bengasafuni izinto ekunzima ukuba zenzeke. Usenokuba nomlinganiselo wenkululeko abantakwenu ababengenawo xa babengangawe.
Ngokulula ukuba nabakhuluwa nabasakwenu abadala kukwayingenelo. Xa uqwalasela ingxabano edla ngokubakho kubantwana bomzi omnye, kusenokuba nzima kuwe ukukukholelwa oku. Noko ke, kunqabile ukuba abantwana bomzi omnye bathiyane ngokwenene. Enyanisweni, enye intombazana eneminyaka eli-13 yavuma ngelithi: “Umnakwethu omdala usoloko endikhathaza. Kodwa emazantsi entliziyo yam ndimthanda gqitha.” Abakhuluwa nabasakwenu abadala banokuba ngumthombo wobuhlobo, wobuqabane nowamacebiso. Umntakwenu usekwanokuba ngumzekelo omhle wokulandelwa, ingakumbi ukuba woyika uThixo. Ngaba ukunyaka wakho wokuqala kwisikolo semfundo ephakamileyo? Umkhuluwa wakho usenokukwazi ukukunceda ukuba ulungelelane nale meko! Ngaba abazali bakho ekugqibeleni baye bakunika imvume yokusebenzisa izithambiso zokuzilungisa? Mhlawumbi umsakwenu omdala unokukubonisa indlela yokuzisebenzisa.
Okubangel’ umdla kukuba ngokubhekele phaya incwadi ethi Sibling Rivalry ithi: “Oontondo . . . batyekele ekubeni nobuhlobo ngakumbi nokuthanda ukuhlala nabanye kunamazibulo okanye abantakwabo ababalekelayo yaye bayaziwa ngabanye abantwana. Ekubeni beqhele ukusebenza nokunxulumana nabantu abaneminyaka eyahlukahlukeneyo, bonwaba ngakumbi noontanga babo abangaphandle kwentsapho.”
Ukuyigqala Njengeyingenelo Imeko Yakho
Ngaba usenoluvo lokuba untondo uyaqhathwa? Phofu, kusenokukubangel’ umdla ukwazi ukuba amazibulo nabo ubalekelayo ngokufuthi bakhalaza gqitha ngelokuba eyabo imeko yeyona inzima ebomini! Ngoko, okubalulekileyo asiyondawo apho wena ungena kuyo kumlibo wokuzalwa, kodwa yimigudu oyenzayo ekusebenziseni imigaqo yeBhayibhile.
Ngokomzekelo, ukuba uvakalelwa kukuba abazali bakho bakukhusele ngokugqith’ emngceni, yixubushe imicimbi nabo ngendlela yobuntu obukhulu. “Iingcinga ziyatshitsha ngokungabikho kokucweya.” (IMizekeliso 15:22) Ngokuba ‘ngonoxolo oqiqayo,’ unokuthethathethana nabo uze ucebise ngezinto ezamkelekileyo ezisenokubethwa ngoyaba—kunokukhwina xa izinto zingahambi ngendlela othanda ngayo. (Yakobi 3:17, 18) Ukuba abakuvumeli ukuba ube nelungelo elinikwe abantakwenu abadala, musa ukuba ntshingintshingi. Zingqine ukulungele ukuthwala iimbopheleleko yaye unentumekelelo ngokwenza okusemandleni akho kuso nasiphi na isabelo osinikwa ngabazali bakho.—Thelekisa uLuka 16:10.
Imigaqo yeBhayibhile iya kukunceda ukuba ube noxolo nabantakwenu. Ngaba ufuna amaxesha okuba wedwa? Ngoko sebenzisa uMthetho Omkhulu uze uwahlonele amaxesha abo okuba bodwa nezinto ezizezabo. (Mateyu 7:12) Ngaba ukuthiyile ukuba kuhlekiswe ngawe? Ngoko baphathe ‘ngembeko’ abantakwenu uze ukuphephe ukuqala ngokuphosa izithuko. (Roma 12:10) Ngaba uphazamisekile ngenxa yokuba unoluvo lokuba bayakutyeshela okanye bakushiya wedwa? Musa ukuzimisela ekubeni ube yinkom’ edla yodwa. ‘Thethathethana’ nabo, uyixubusha imibandela ngendlela ezolileyo neyobuntu obukhulu. (IMizekeliso 25:9, NW) Amaxesha amaninzi kuba ngumbandela nje wokufunda ukuxolela. (Efese 4:32; Kolose 3:13; 1 Petros 4:8) Kodwa ukuba uvakalelwa kukuba umntakwenu uyakuxhaphaza ngokwasemzimbeni okanye ngamazwi awathethayo, yazisa abazali bakho ngoko kuqhubekayo. Ngoko baya kwenza umsebenzi wabo ‘wokululeka’ abantwana babo.—Efese 6:4.
Hayi khona, ukuba nguntondo akukugwebeli ekubeni ube ‘ulusana.’ Akukho nemfuneko yokuba kubambezele ukukhula kwakho ngokweemvakalelo okanye ngokomoya. Njengontondo, usenokuba novelwano, ukungazingci, ukuba nomoya wokwabelana ngezinto, nokukwazi ukuhlalisana nabanye—izifundo eziya kuba yingenelo kuwe kwiminyaka ezayo.
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 18]
“Kutheni ndishiywa ngemva ngawo onke amaxesha kusiyiwa elonwabeni?”