Ukuba Ngumzali Womntwana Osokolisayo
“BELUNJANI usuku lwakho?” USusan ubuza unyana wakhe uJimmy xa ekhwela kwinqwelo-mafutha njengokuba emlanda esikolweni. Efinge iintshiyi, akamhoyi. Ngovelwano uthi: “Kwowu, umele ukuba ubunosuku olubi. Uyafuna ukundixelela okwenzekileyo?”
Uphendula embombozela athi: “Yahlukana nam.”
“Ndikhathazekile ngawe. Ubonakala ungonwabanga. Ndifuna ukukunceda.”
Udubuleka athi: “Andilufuni uncedo lwakho! Yahlukana nam! Ndiyakucaphukela. Ngas’ke kuthi kanti bendifile!”
Efutha ngumsindo uSusan uthi: “Jimmy! musa ukuthetha nam ngolo hlobo okanye—okanye ndakukubetha! Bendizama ukukwenza umntu kuphela. Andikwazi ukuba ungenwe yintoni. Akukho nto ndiyithethayo okanye ndiyenzayo ekukholisayo.”
Ephazanyiswe yaye edinwe ngowakhe umsebenzi wosuku, uSusan uphinyaphinyela phakathi kweenqwelo-mafutha ezibuza ukuba kwakutheni ukuze azale eso simanga somntwana. Uziva edidekile, engazi ukuba makathini na yaye enomsindo, emcaphukela unyana wakhe, yaye iimvakalelo zokuziva enetyala nazo zingamyekanga. USusan uyoyika ukugoduka naye—umntwana wakhe. Phantse akafun’ ukwazi ukuba kwenzeke ntoni esikolweni namhlanje. Akalithandabuzi elokuba umfundisi-ntsapho uzakuphinda atsale umnxeba. Maxa wambi uSusan uyaxakwa kukuba makahlangabezane njani noku.
Ngaloo ndlela iziganeko ezibonakala zingenamsebenzi ziphumela ekusetyenzisweni kwamazwi abukhali akhathazayo. Abantwana abane-ADD/ADHD, okanye abachazwa ngokuthi “ngabasokolisayo,” ngokuqhelekileyo basabela ngomsindo xa bejamelene neengxaki. Ngokukhawuleza basuka bagqabhuke ngumsindo, beshiya abazali becaphukile, bedidekile yaye ekugqibeleni bediniwe.
Ukuhlolisisa Nokungenelela
Ngokuqhelekileyo, aba bantwana bakrelekrele, banesiphiwo sokuyila izinto yaye bakhathazeka ngokukhawuleza. Kubalulekile ukuqonda ukuba bangabantwana abasempilweni abaneentswelo ezingaqhelekanga, ngenxa yoko abafuna ukwazelelelwa ngokukhethekileyo. Okulandelayo yimigaqo neengcamango ezithile abazali babantwana abanjalo abazifumanise ziphumelela.
Okokuqala, kufuneka ufunde ukuzazi iimeko nezinto eziphazamisa umntwana. (Thelekisa IMizekeliso 20:5.) Kubalulekile ukuba umzali azijonge iimpawu ezandulela ukuphazamiseka kweemvakalelo zomntwana aze angenelele ngokukhawuleza. Eyona iphambili yimbonakalo yobuso ebonisa ukunxunguphala okwandayo nokungakwazi ukusingatha imeko ethile. Ukumkhumbuza ngobubele umntwana ukuba kufuneka azilawule okanye, ukuba kuyimfuneko, umsuse kuloo meko kusenokuba luncedo. Ngokomzekelo, ikhefu liyasebenza, kungekhona njengohlobo lwesohlwayo kodwa njengendlela yokunika umntwana nomzali ithuba lokuba baphinde bazole baze baqhubeke besengqiqweni.
Kulo mzekelo siwunikiweyo, uJimmy wasabela ngendlela engafanelekanga kwimibuzo elula. Le yindlela enza ngayo mihla le uJimmy. Nangona kulula ukuba umzali awugqale lo msindo nale ntiyo njengobhekiswa kuye ngqo, kubalulekile ukuqonda ukuba ngokufuthi amandla aba bantwana okuqonda (ukuqiqa) ayaphazamiseka xa befikelele kwiqondo lokungakwazi ukunyamezela uxinezeleko. Ngoko ke, kubalulekile ukwenza izinto ngengqiqo. (IMizekeliso 19:11) Kwimeko kaJimmy, uSusan ngewayeyigalele amanzi loo meko ngokungaqhubeki aze anike unyana wakhe ithuba lokuzeyisa, yaye mhlawumbi kamva babenokuxubusha ngeziganeko zosuku.
Abantwana Abaxinezelekileyo
Akuzange ngaphambili intsapho yoluntu ijamelane neengxaki, iingcinezelo namaxhala anzulu njengalawo athwaxa ihlabathi lanamhlanje. Amaxesha ngamanye, okufunwayo kukhulu ngakumbi, yaye kufunwa okungakumbi kubantwana. Ngokuphathelele lo mbandela, incwadi ethi Good Kids, Bad Behavior ithi: “Uninzi lweengxaki abantwana ababonakala benazo zisenokuba zibangelwa okanye ziphenjelelwa kukuguquka koko kulindelekileyo kubo.” Kubantwana abane-ADD/ADHD, isikolo sisenokuba yindawo engcungcuthekisayo. Njengoko bezabalazela ukuhlangabezana neengxaki zabo, banyanzeleka ukuba bazivisisanise nenkqubela kwezobugcisa obuqhubeka buguquka ngokukhawuleza kwimekobume enokubonakala inenkohlakalo yaye inobungozi, oko kusongezelela kwixhala abanalo. Ngokweemvakalelo, abantwana abakakhuli ukuba bangazisingatha zonke ezi ngxaki. Bafuna uncedo lwabazali babo.
Nciphisa Usukuzwano
Ukuze ube nabantwana abonwabe ngakumbi nabasempilweni ngakumbi, kubalulekile ukulungiselela imekobume yocwangco nokuzinza. Indlela esebenzayo yokunciphisa usukuzwano ekhayeni isenokuqala ngokuphila ubomi obulula. Ekubeni aba bantwana bezizityhuthutyhuthu, bephazamiseka lula yaye bedlamke gqitha, kufuneka kuncitshiswe impembelelo engakhiyo yokuvuseleleka ngokugqith’ emgceni. Nciphisa inani lezinto zokudlala abantwana abanjalo abavunyelwa ukuba badlale ngazo ngexesha elinye. Linga umsetyenzana okanye umsebenzi ube mnye kuphela ngexesha de ugqitywe. Ekubeni aba bantwana ngokufuthi bengalungelelananga, ukulungelelana kunciphisa unxunguphalo. Okukhona zisiba mbalwa nokukhona benokufikelela lula kwizinto abamele bazisebenzise, kokukhona kusiba lula ukulawula oko kubalulekileyo.
Enye indlela ephumelelayo yokunciphisa uxinezeleko ekhayeni kukumisela umzila ocetyiweyo, kungekhona ongqongqo, onika abantwana imvakalelo yokuzinza. Ixesha ezenziwa ngalo izinto alibalulekanga njengendlela ezilandelelana ngayo izinto ezenziwayo. Oku kunokufezwa ngokusebenzisa amacebiso aluncedo anjengala alandelayo. Lungiselela isondlo esifanelekileyo ngezidlo ezingenabugocigoci nezilungeleleneyo nezimuncumuncu ngamaxesha afanayo. Yenza izinto ezenziwa xa kuza kulalwa ngobubele, ngothando zize ziphumze. Uhambo lokuya kuthenga lusenokubavuselela ngokugqithiseleyo abantwana abadlamke gqitha, ngoko ceba kusengaphambili uze uzame ukuba ungayi kwiivenkile ezininzi gqitha. Yaye xa nisiya kuzihlaziya, cacisa ukuba ulindele ukuba baziphathe njani na. Imizila eqinisekileyo iyamnceda umntwana oneentswelo ezikhethekileyo asilawule isimilo sakhe sokutyhuthuzela. Ngaphezu koko, inceda abantwana bazi ukuba abazali bafuna ntoni.
Xa uceba, kuyingenelo ukuqulunqa inkqubo yemithetho nokuquka iziphumo zokwaphulwa kwemithetho engenakuguqulwa. Imithetho ecacisiweyo engaguquguqukiyo, navumeleneyo ngayo amaqabane omabini, imisela imida yesimilo esamkelekileyo kubantwana—yaye ikwafundisa ukubekeka ityala ngezenzo zakhe. Ukuba kuyimfuneko, xhoma uludwe lwemithetho kwindawo ebonakala ngokulula (ukuze umzali nomntwana bakhumbule). Ukungaguquguquki kungundoqo wokunqabiseka ngokweemvakalelo.
Ukuqonda izinto umntwana azikhethayo, azithandayo nangazithandiyo nokwenza ngokuvisisana nazo kunokwenza lukhulu ekunciphiseni ingcinezelo engeyomfuneko ekhayeni. Ngenxa yokuba indlela ekhethekileyo abayiyo aba bantwana ngokufuthi ingagqibeki yaye inobutyhuthutyhuthu, ukudlala nabanye abantwana kunokuba nzima kakhulu. Ukwabelana, ngokukodwa ngezinto zokudlala, kusenokuba yeyona nto iqhway’ ingxabano, ngoko abazali basenokubavumela abantwana abanjalo ukuba bakhethe izinto abazithandayo abanokwabelana ngazo nabanye. Ukongezelela, ukulawula izinto ezibavuselelayo ngokulungiselela ukuba badlale nabantwana abambalwa yaye badlale imidlalo engasayi kubenza babe nemihlali kakhulu nako kusenokunceda ekubeni bangade bafikelele kwiqondo lokutyhuthuzela.
Kubalulekile ngabazali ukuba bavumele mntwana ngamnye akhule ngendlela yakhe ngokuphepha ukumcinezela okanye ukumxonxela ekubeni afane nomnye umntwana ngokungeyomfuneko. Ukuba umntwana uyakucaphukela ukutya okanye impahla ethile, musa ukuzisebenzisa. Akuyomfuneko ukuba kude kuliwe ngezi zinto zincinane zicaphukisayo. Enyanisweni, musa ukuzama ukulawula yonke into. Yiba ngolungeleleneyo, kodwa xa kwenziwe izigqibo ngoko kwamkelekileyo kwintsapho yamaKristu, bambelela kuzo.
Ukulawula Isimilo
Abantwana abangagqibekiyo bafuna umlinganiselo ophakame ngakumbi wokulawulwa. Ngenxa yoko, abazali abaninzi baziva benetyala xa kufuneka beqeqeshe ngamaxesha onke. Noko ke, kubalulekile ukuqonda umahluko phakathi kwengqeqesho nokuxhaphaza. Ngokutsho kwencwadi ethi A Fine Line—When Discipline Becomes Child Abuse, kuthiwa ama-21 ekhulwini ako konke ukuxhatshazwa ngokwasemzimbeni kwenzeka xa abantwana besiba krwada. Ngenxa yoko, uphando lugqiba kwelokuba abantwana abane-ADD/ADHD “basengozini ngakumbi yokuxhatshazwa ngokwasemzimbeni nokungahoywa.” Alinakuphikwa elokuba, ukukhulisa abantwana abaneentswelo ezikhethekileyo kunokubangela uxinezeleko, kodwa ukubalawula kumele kwenziwe ngendlela esengqiqweni yaye kulungelelane. Ekubeni aba bantwana ngokuqhelekileyo bekrelekrele gqitha yaye beyisebenzisa kakhulu ingqondo, balucelomngeni kubazali abasingatha iimeko ezifuna kuqiqwe. Ngokufuthi abantwana abanjalo banendlela yokubona iziphako naxa umzali sele eqiqa ekwiindawo zokugqibela. Musa ukubavumela! Gcina igunya lakho njengomzali.
Ngendlela enobuhlobo, kodwa engqongqo, zicacise ngokufutshane izinto; ngamanye amazwi, musa ukucacisa kakhulu, yaye musa ukuxoxa ngemithetho engenakuguqulwa. ‘Uewe’ wakho makabe nguewe ‘uhayi’ wakho abe nguhayi. (Thelekisa uMateyu 5:37.) Abantwana abangabo oonozakuzaku; ngenxa yoko, ukuthethathethana nabo kukhokelela kwiimpikiswano, umsindo, nonxunguphalo, yaye kunokude kuphumele ekukhwazeni nakugonyamelo. (Efese 4:31) Ngokufanayo, kuphephe ukulumkisa gqitha. Ukuba kufuneka uqeqesho, lufanele lunikelwe ngokukhawuleza. Incwadi ethi Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World ibongoza ngelithi: “Ukuzola, ukuqiniseka nokuba ngqongqo—koko igunya likuko.” Ngokungakumbi, phawula amacebiso asemagqabini kwiThe German Tribune: “Ngamaxesha onke thetha nomntwana ngendlela yokuba anikele ingqalelo: sebenzisa igama lakhe ngokufuthi, mjonge emehlweni yaye sebenzisa amagama alula.”
Ukuxhaphaza kwenzeka xa abazali bephelelwa kukuzeyisa. Ukuba umzali uyakhwaza, sele ephelelwe kade kukuzeyisa. IMizekeliso isahluko 15 sithetha ngombandela wokukhulisa umntwana nengqeqesho. Ngokomzekelo, indinyana 4 ithi: “Ukuphola kolwimi ngumthi wobomi; ke ukuphenula kwalo kwaphula umoya”; indinyana 18 ithi: “Indoda enobushushu ixhaya ingxabano; ezeka kade umsindo idambisa imbambano”; yaye, okokugqibela, indinyana 28 ithi: “Intliziyo yelungisa iya kucamanga ukuphendula.” (Akekeliswe sithi.) Ngenxa yoko, kubalulekile ukuba singaqondi oko sikuthethayo kuphela kodwa nendlela esikuthetha ngayo.
Ukuncoma, Kungekhona Ukugweba
Ngenxa yokuba abantwana ekunzima ukubakhulisa besenza izinto ezisebenzisa ingqondo, ezingaqhelekanga, kwanezinto ezingenangqondo, kulula ngabazali ukubhenela ekuhlabeni amadlala, ekugculeleni, ekungxoliseni nasekuhlaseleni ngomsindo ngamazwi okanye emzimbeni. Noko ke, ngokweToday’s English Version, iBhayibhile kweyabase-Efese 6:4 iyalela abazali ukuba bakhulise abantwana “ngengqeqesho nemfundiso yobuKristu.” UYesu wayebaqeqesha njani abonayo? UYesu wayesebenzisa ingqeqesho efundisayo eyayibaqeqesha ize ibafundise abantu, eqhubana nabo ngokungakhethi buso nangokungqongqo. Ingqeqesho yinkqubo, indlela yokufundisa, ethi, xa kuqhutywana nabantwana, ngokuqhelekileyo emele inikelwe ngokuphindaphindiweyo.—Bona inqaku elithi “Imbono YeBhayibhile . . . ‘Intonga Yokuqeqesha’—Ngaba Iphelelwe Lixesha?,” kuVukani! kaSeptemba 8, 1992.
Ingqeqesho efanelekileyo yenza imekobume yokuthembana, yokufudumala neyokuzinza; ngoko ke, xa ingqeqesho iyimfuneko, ifanelwe inikelwe nengcaciso. Azikho izicombululo ezikhawulezayo xa uqeqesha abantwana ekubeni abantwana befunda ngokuthe ngcembe, nangokuhamba kwexesha. Kufuneka inyameko nothando olukhulu, ixesha nomsebenzi omkhulu, ukuze kukhuliswe ngokufanelekileyo nawuphi na umntwana, ngokukodwa umntwana ekunzima ukumkhulisa. Ibinzana elincinane elilandelayo kusenokuba luncedo ukulikhumbula: “Thetha oko ukucingayo, ucinge oko ukuthethayo uze wenze oko uthi uya kukwenza.”
Enye yezona zinto ziyingxaki ekuqhubaneni nabantwana abanesimilo esikhathazayo kukufuna kwabo ingqalelo egqithisileyo. Amaxesha amaninzi ingqalelo abayifumanayo ayakhi. Noko ke, ziphawule ngokukhawuleza izinto, ncoma, okanye nika umvuzo ngesimilo esilungileyo okanye umsebenzi owenziwe kakuhle. Oku kukhuthaza gqitha emntwaneni. Okokuqala imigudu yakho isenokubonakala ibaxiwe, kodwa izifanele iziphumo. Abantwana bafuna imivuzo emincinane kodwa abayinikwa kanye ngelo xesha.
Amava KaTata KaGreg
“Unyana wethu uGreg kwathiwa une-ADHD xa wayeneminyaka emihlanu, esekwisikolo sokugcina abantwana. Ngelo xesha sabonana nogqirha wokukhula kwabantwana owasiqinisekisayo ukuba uGreg ngokungathandabuzekiyo wayene-ADHD. Wasixelela oku: ‘Asilotyala lakhe, yaye kungelilo nelenu. Akanakuzinceda, kodwa nina ninako.’
“Ngokufuthi sicinga ngaloo mazwi, kuba asikhumbuza ukuba thina njengabazali sinembopheleleko enkulu yokunceda unyana wethu ahlangabezane ne-ADHD yakhe. Ngaloo mini ugqirha wasinika uncwadi esasiza kulufunda sakufika ekhaya, yaye sikholelwa kwelokuba ulwazi esiye saluzuza kwiminyaka emithathu edluleyo luye lwalolubaluleke kakhulu ekuzalisekiseni iimbopheleleko zethu njengabazali bakaGreg.
“Kubaluleke gqitha ekukhuliseni umntwana one-ADHD ukuba kubethelelwe isimilo esifanelekileyo kuze kunikelwe izilumkiso yaye, ukuba kuyimfuneko, isohlwayo ngesimilo esingafanelekanga. Okukhona usiba ngocebayo yaye ungaguquguquki, kokukhona uya kubona iziphumo ezilunge ngakumbi. Le nkcazelo ilula isenokuba nguthunywashe ongundoqo ekukhuliseni umntwana one-ADHD. Sekunjalo, ngenxa yokuba kufuneka ukwenze amaxesha amaninzi ngosuku, ukuthetha asikokwenza.
“Icebo esilifumanise lilelona liphumelelayo kukuthabatha ikhefu. Nanini na sisebenzisa ikhefu ukuze silungise isimilo esingafanelekanga, sikwaqalisa inkqubo ekhuthaza ukubethelela isimilo esilunge ngakumbi. Oku kunokuba ngamazwi okuncoma, ukuwola okanye isipho okanye ilungelo. Saya evenkileni saza sathenga isicangca esinamaphepha ancanyatheliswayo. Sabhala phezulu oko isimilo esifanelekileyo sikuko. Sihlandlo ngasinye sibona uGreg enesimilo esifanelekileyo, simnika iphepha elincanyatheliswayo ukuba alincamathelise kwisicangca sakhe. Xa isicangca sizele, masithi mhlawumbi sinamaphepha ancanyatheliswayo angama-20, ufumana umvuzo. Ngokuqhelekileyo oku kuyinto akunandipha ngokwenene ukuyenza, njengokuya epakini. Kuluncedo kuba kumkhuthazela ekwenzeni okuhle. Uwancamathelisa ngokwakhe amaphepha yaye unokuyibona indlela aqhuba ngayo nendlela akufutshane ngayo ekufumaneni umvuzo.
“Enye indlela esiyifumanise iphumelela kukumkhethisa uGreg. Kunokuba simyalele ngokungqalileyo, siyamkhethisa. Usenokwenza izinto ngendlela efanelekileyo okanye usenokufumana isiphumo esifanelekileyo. Oku kufundisa ukuba nembopheleleko nokwenza izigqibo ezifanelekileyo. Ukuba yinto eqhubeka iyingxaki, njengokugeza evenkileni okanye kwivenkile yokutyela, sinokusebenzisa isicangca esinamaphepha ancanyatheliswayo nomvuzo. Ngaloo ndlela ubona iingenelo zesimilo esifanelekileyo, yaye sibonisa ukuba siyayibona inkqubela yakhe.
“Inkoliso yabantu ayiqondi ukuba i-ADHD iyawachaphazela amandla omntwana okulawula isimilo sakhe nendlela asabela ngayo. Abantu abaninzi bakholelwa kwelokuba aba bantwana banokulilawula ixesha abanikela ingqalelo ngalo nesimilo sabo ukuba bazama ngamandla, yaye ukuba bayasilela, ityala libekwa kubazali.
“Umntwana one-ADHD akakwazi ukuhlala azole kangangeeyure ezimbini kwiintlanganiso zebandla kwiHolo yoBukumkani. Asinakuze siyilibale indlela uGreg xa wayeneminyaka emihlanu ubudala awayedla ngokukhala ngayo ngaphambi kokuba iintlanganiso ziqalise aze asibuze, ‘Ngaba le yintlanganiso ende okanye emfutshane?’ Wayedla ngokusitsho esofelweyo xa iziintlanganiso zeeyure ezimbini kuba wayesazi ukuba wayengazi kukwazi ukuzola ithuba elide. Kufuneka senze umnyinyiva ngenxa yengxaki yakhe nokusikelw’ umda ekubangelayo. Siyazi ukuba uYehova uyayiqonda le ngxaki kakuhle kunaye nabani na, yaye oko kungumthombo wentuthuzelo. Sithetha nje uGreg akasebenzisi mayeza yaye uqhuba kakuhle nasesikolweni.
“Ukuthembela ngoYehova nokugcina amehlo ethu ejoliswe kwihlabathi elitsha kuyasomeleza. Ithemba lethu sele lithetha lukhulu kuGreg. Uba nemihlali kakhulu, ade abe nyembezana, xa ecinga ngendlela uYehova aya kuyiphelisa ngayo i-ADHD emhlabeni oyiParadisi.”
[Ibhokisi ekwiphepha 26]
Imivuzo esenokufunyanwa yesimilo esilungileyo isenokuquka:
1. UKUNCOMA—ukuncoma ngamazwi umsebenzi owenziwe kakuhle; uluvakalisa uxabiso ngesimilo esilungileyo, oko kuphelekwe luthando, ukuwola nembonakaliso yobuso nobubele.
2. INKQUBO YESICANGCA—sibekwe kwindawo ebonakalayo, sibe namaphepha okuncamathelisa anomtsalane okanye amile okweenkwenkwezi ukuze kukhuthazwe isimilo esilungileyo.
3. ULUDWE LWEZINTO EZILUNGILEYO—izinto ezenziweyo ezamkelekileyo nezincomekayo. Thuba ngalinye umntwana esenza into entle, nokuba incinane kangakanani na ekuqaleni, yibhale phantsi uze uyifundele ilungu lentsapho.
4. IBHAROMITHA YESIMILO—kuxhomekeke kubudala bomntwana, faka iimbotyi okanye iilekese ebhotileni xa umntwana enze into entle (isiqinisekiso esibonakalayo). Injongo kukumisela inkqubo yokuzuza amanqaku ukuze kufumaneke umvuzo onokuquka into intsapho ibihleli iza kuyenza kakade, njengokuya kubukela umfanekiso oshukumayo, ukudlala emkhenkceni, okanye ukutya evenkileni yokutyela, njalo njalo. Kunokuba usoloko usithi emntwaneni: “Ukuba akuziphathi kakuhle, asisayi kuhamba,” zama ukuthi: “Ukuba uziphatha kakuhle, siza kuhamba.” Undoqo kukutshintshela ukucinga ngendlela engakhiyo ekucingeni okwakhayo, ngoxa uvumela ixesha elisengqiqweni lokuba kubekho iinguqu.
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 24]
Maxa wambi iincoko zisenokudubulekela emsindweni
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 25]
Xa kusenziwa izigqibo, zicacise uze ubambelele kuzo
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 27]
Ngegugu uncamathelisa iphepha elincanyatheliswayo elitsha kwisicangca sakhe