Izinto Ezine Ofanele Uzazi Ngoqhawulo-Mtshato

Emva kokuhlola umonakalo, abaninimzi basenokukhetha ukuyidiliza okanye bayilungise indlu yabo.

NGABA nawe ucinga into efanayo ngomtshato wakho? Mhlawumbi iqabane lakho liye alathembeka kuwe okanye ngenxa yeengxabano zamihla le anisonwabanga emtshatweni wenu. Ukuba kunjalo, usenokugqiba uthi ‘Hayi asisathandani’ okanye ‘Asifanelani kwaphela’ okanye ‘Asiyazi into esasiyitshatela.’ Isenokuba ikhe ifike into ethi, ‘Mhlawumbi sifanele siwuqhawule umtshato wethu.’

Ngaphambi kokubhuduzela uqhawule umtshato wakho, cingisisa. Uqhawulo-mtshato alusoloko luphelisa iingxaki onazo ebomini. Ngokwahlukileyo, uthi xa ubaleka ezi ngxaki, uye kuzifaka kwezinye. Kwincwadi yakhe ethi The Good Enough Teen, uGqr. Brad Sachs ulumkisa ngelithi: “Izibini ezahlukanayo zizixelela ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato luza kuhamba kakuhle—zidlule ngokukhawuleza zonke iintsizi, neengxwabangxwaba, kuphole kamnandi kuthi cwaka, kubekho uxolo nenzolo. Kodwa ayinakuze yenzeke into enjalo kanye njengokuba ungasoze ubekho umtshato ogqibeleleyo.” Ngoko kubalulekile ukuzazi kakuhle izinto size silujonge macala onke uqhawulo-mtshato.

IBhayibhile Noqhawulo-mtshato

IBhayibhile ayiluthathi lula uqhawulo-mtshato. Ithi uYehova uThixo ukugqala njengobuqhophololo nokuba nentiyo ukuthi ngobudenge ulahle iqabane lakho lomtshato, mhlawumbi unenjongo yokuthath’ elinye. (Malaki 2:13-16) Umtshato lumanyano olungapheliyo. (Mateyu 19:6) Imitshato emininzi eqhawulwe ngezizathu ezingavakaliyo ibinokukhuselwa ukuba amaqabane ebengabantu abaxolelayo.—Mateyu 18:21, 22.

Kwangaxeshanye, iBhayibhile ivumela uqhawulo-mtshato aze umntu aphinde atshate ngesizathu esinye—xa elinye iqabane liye laneentlobano zesini nelinye elingatshatanga nalo. (Mateyu 19:9) Ngoko ke, ukuba ufumanise ukuba iqabane lakho liye alathembeka, unelungelo lokuwuqhawula umtshato. Akakho umntu ofanele akuxelele into omawuyenze kulo mba, yaye eli nqaku alibhalelwanga ukukuxelela into omawuyenze. Ekugqibeleni, imiphumo yoko iya kusala nawe; ngoko nguwe omele wenze isigqibo.—Galati 6:5.

Noko ke, iBhayibhile ithi: “Onobuqili uyawaqwalasela amanyathelo akhe.” (IMizekeliso 14:15) Noko ke, enoba unezizathu eziseZibhalweni zokuqhawula umtshato, kuya kuba kuhle ukucingisisa ngezinto ezibandakanyekileyo kweli nyathelo. (1 Korinte 6:12) UDavid waseBritani uthi: “Abanye basenokuvakalelwa kukuba bamele benze isigqibo esikhawulezileyo. Kodwa ekubeni ndikhe ndawuqhawula umtshato, ndingacebisa ukuba ukhe uziphe ithuba lokucingisisa ngoku.”a

Makhe sihlolisise izinto ezine ezibalulekileyo ofanele ucinge ngazo. Njengoko sisenjenjalo, sicela uphawule ukuba akukho namnye kwaba bantu baqhawule umtshato othi wenze isigqibo esiphosakeleyo. Noko ke, amagqabaza abo achaza iingxaki eziye zavela emva kweenyanga okanye iminyaka beqhawule imitshato yabo.

1 Iingxaki Zemali

UDaniella waseItali, wayeneminyaka eli-12 etshatile xa wafumanisa ukuba umyeni wakhe uthandana nomntu asebenza naye. UDaniella uthi: “Ndayiva loo nto eli bhinqa sele lineenyanga ezintandathu likhulelwe.”

Emva kokwahlukana nomyeni wakhe kangangexesha elithile, uDaniella wagqiba kwelokuba aqhawule umtshato. Uthi: “Ndazama ukuwukhusela umtshato wethu, kodwa umyeni wam waqhubeka engathembekanga.” UDaniella uvakalelwa kukuba wenza isigqibo esifanelekileyo. Sekunjalo uthi: “Sathi sakwahlukana, ndaba neengxaki zemali. Ndandikhe ndilale ndingatyanga. Ndandisela nje ubisi.”

UMaria, waseSpeyin waba nengxaki efanayo. Uthi: “Umyeni endiqhawule naye umtshato akasasiniki mali, ngenxa yoko ndisebenza nzima ukuze ndihlawule amatyala akhe. Kanti kuye kwanyanzeleka ndifuduke kwindlu enkulu ndiye kuhlala kwindawo encinane nengakhuselekanga.”

Njengoko la mava ebonisa, ukuqhawuka komtshato kudla ngokuwashiya amabhinqa engenayo nepen’ emdaka. Eneneni, uhlolisiso olwaqhutywa iminyaka esixhenxe eYurophu lwadiza ukuba ngoxa imivuzo yamadoda isanda nge-11 ekhulwini emva kokuqhawula umtshato, eyamabhinqa ihla nge-17 ekhulwini. UMieke Jansen, owayephambili kolu hlolisiso uthi: “Kunzima kwamanye amabhinqa, kuba kuye kufuneke anyamekele abantwana, afune imisebenzi kanti ngalo lonke elo xesha asazikhoth’ amanxeba oqhawulo-mtshato.” IDaily Telegraph yaseLondon yaphawula ukuba, ezi zinto “zinyanzela abantu bacingisise ngaphambi kokuba bahlukane.”

Oko kunokwenzeka: Ukuba uqhawula umtshato, unokuncipha umvuzo wakho. Kusenokufuneka ufuduke. Ukuba ufumene ilungelo lokukhulisa abantwana, kusenokuba nzima ukuzixhasa uze uphinde uzinyamekele kakuhle iimfuno zabantwana bakho.—1 Timoti 5:8.

2 Iingxaki Zokuba Ngumzali

Ibhinqa laseBritani elinguJane lithi: “Kwandothusa gqitha ukungathembeki komyeni wam. Kanti eyona nto yayindigqiba kukucinga ukuba usuke wakhetha ukusishiya.” UJane waqhawula umtshato nomyeni wakhe. Uvakalelwa kukuba wenza isigqibo esifanelekileyo, kodwa uthi: “Ingxaki endandinayo yayikukunyanzeleka ukuba ndibe ngumama ndiphinde ndibe ngutata ebantwaneni bam. Kwakufuneka ndenze zonke izigqibo ndedwa.”

NoGraciela, umama oqhawule umtshato waseSpeyin wayekwimeko efanayo. Uthi: “Ndanikwa ilungelo elipheleleyo lokukhulisa unyana wam oneminyaka eli-16 ubudala. Kodwa ishumi elivisayo lixesha elinzima, yaye ndandingakulungelanga ukukhulisa unyana wam ndedwa. Ndandilila imini nobusuku. Ndandiziva ndingento yanto.”

Abo bancedisanayo ukukhulisa abantwana baba neengxaki ezithe chatha—kufuneka bathethe nabo babengamaqabane abo ngemiba entununtunu njengamaxesha okutyelela, indlela yokuxhasa abantwana kwakunye nokuqeqeshwa kwabo. UChristine, umama oqhawule umtshato waseUnited States, uthi: “Akuyonto ilula ukusebenzisana nalowo wayeliqabane lakho. Zininzi izinto ezibandakanyekileyo, yaye ukuba akulumkanga ungaphela sele usebenzisa umntwana wakho ukuze ufumane izinto ozifunayo.”

Oko kunokwenzeka: Usenokuba akuwathandi amalungiselelo okukhuliswa komntwana wenu enziwe enkundleni. Ukuba nabelana ngelungelo lokukhulisa abantwana, lowo ebeliqabane lakho usenokungabi nantsebenziswano ngendlela obungathanda ngayo kwimiba efana nale ingasentla yokubona abantwana, ukubaxhasa ngemali njalo njalo.

3 Indlela Olukuchaphazela Ngayo Uqhawulo-mtshato

Inkosikazi kaMark waseBritani yakrexeza ngokuphindaphindiweyo. Uthi: “Wathi akuphinda, andakwazi ukunyamezela xa ndicinga ukuba unokuphinda ayenze loo nto.” UMark, waqhawula umtshato nenkosikazi yakhe, kodwa wafumanisa ukuba usayithanda.” Uthi: “Xa abantu bethetha kakubi ngaye, bacinga ukuba bayandinceda; kodwa abandincedi nganto. Uthando alukhawulezi luphele.”

UDavid, okhankanywe ngaphambilana wakhathazeka gqitha akufumanisa ukuba umfazi wakhe uthandana nenye indoda. Uthi: “Ndandingayikholelwa tu kwaphela loo nto. Eyona nto ndandiyifuna kukuba kunye naye nabantwana bethu imihla ngemihla.” UDavid wakhetha ukuqhawula umtshato, kodwa loo nto yamshiya engaqinisekanga ngekamva lakhe. Uthi: “Ndiyazibuza ukuba ukho kusini na umntu onokundithanda ngokwenene okanye mhlawumbi kungehl’ esezolo ukuba ndinokuphinda nditshate. Andisathembi mntu tu kwaphela.”

Ukuba uqhawule umtshato, kulindelekile ukuba ube neemvakalelo ezahlukahlukeneyo. Kwelinye icala, kusenokwenzeka ukuba usamthanda umntu obunyama-nye naye. (Genesis 2:24) Kanti, kusenokwenzeka ukuba isakucaphukisa into ayenzileyo. UGraciela, ekuthethwe ngaye ngaphambilana, uthi: “Kuthi sele kudlule iminyaka, uqhubeke udidekile, uhlazekile yaye ulusizana. Kubuya iinkumbulo ezimyoli ngomtshato wenu, yaye uzixelela ukuba: ‘Wayekhe ayitsho into yokuba akanakuphila ngaphandle kwam. Ngaba wayexoka bethu? Yenzeke njani le nto?’”

Oko kunokwenzeka: Kusenokwenzeka ukuba usenomsindo okanye inzondo ngenxa yento elikwenze yona iqabane lakho. Maxa wambi, unokonganyelwa bubulolo.—IMizekeliso 14:29; 18:1.

4 Indlela Uqhawulo-mtshato Olubachaphazela Ngayo Abantwana

UJosé, utata oqhawule umtshato waseSpeyin uthi: “Intliziyo yam yayilihlwili.” Eyona nto yada yangakumbi kukufumanisa ukuba indoda awayethandana nayo umfazi wam ngumyeni kadadewethu. Kwakuthi mandife.” UJosé, wafumanisa ukuba amakhwenkwe akhe amabini—enye eneminyaka emibini nenye eneminyaka emine ubudala—achatshazelwa koko kwenziwa ngunina. Uthi: “Ayengayamkeli le meko. Ayengasiqondi isizathu sokuba unina ahlale nomalume wabo nesokuba bahlale nam nodadobawo wabo nomakhulu wabo. Xa kufuneka ndihambe, babedla ngokundibuza, ‘Uza kubuya nini?’ okanye bathi, ‘Ungasishiyi, Tata!’”

Abantwana basoloko beziingxwelerha ezilibalekayo kwidabi loqhawulo-mtshato. Kuthekani ukuba bobabini abazali abevani? Xa kunjalo, ngaba ngokwenene uqhawulo-mtshato “luya kubalungela abantwana”? Kwiminyaka yakutshanje, loo ngcamango iyaphikiswa ngabaninzi—ingakumbi ukuba iingxaki zomtshato azikho nzulu. Incwadi ethi The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce ithi: “Abantu abangonwabanga emitshatweni baya kumangaliswa kukufumanisa ukuba abantwana bona banelisekile. Ayibakhathazi into yokuba abazali babo bengalali kunye logama nje intsapho isekunye.”

Kuyavunywa ukuba abantwana badla ngokuzazi iingxabano nokungevani kwabazali babo yaye loo nto inokuzixinanisa iingqondo zabo eziselula. Noko ke, bekuya kuba yimpazamo ukucinga ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato luza kubanceda ngokuzenzekelayo. ULinda J. Waite noMaggie Gallagher bathi kwincwadi yabo ethi The Case for Marriage: “Umtshato ubonakala ubanceda abazali ukuba baqeqeshe abantwana babo, yaye abantwana bayalwamkela olo qeqesho enoba umtshato uneengxaki.”

Oko kunokwenzeka: Uqhawulo-mtshato lunokubanxunguphalisa abantwana bakho, ingakumbi ukuba wena akubakhuthazi ukuba basebenzisane nalowo wayeliqabane lakho.—Sicela ufunde ibhokisi enomxholo othi “Kwakungathi Ndingazahlula Kubini.”

Eli nqaku lithethe ngezinto ezine ekuya kuba kuhle ukucingisisa ngazo ukuba ufuna ukuqhawula umtshato. Njengoko sitshilo ngaphambilana, ukuba iqabane lakho liye alathembeka, nguwe omele enze isigqibo. Enoba ukhetha ntoni na, kufuneka uyilumkele imiphumo. Zazi iingxaki oza kujamelana nazo, uze ukulungele ukumelana nazo.

Emva kokuhlolisisa lo mbandela, usenokuvakalelwa kukuba kubhetele ukuzama ukulungisa iingxaki zomtshato wakho. Kodwa ngaba oko kunokwenzeka ngokwenene?

[Umbhalo osemazantsi]

[Ibhokisi ekwiphepha 6]

“ILUNGELO ELISISISEKO LOMNTWANA NGAMNYE”

“Xa ndandineminyaka emihlanu ubudala, utata wathandana nonobhala wakhe kangangexeshana, baza abazali bam baqhawula umtshato. Bandinyamekela kakuhle gqitha, ngokwemilinganiselo yelo xesha. Bandiqinisekisa ukuba nangona babengasathandani bona, kodwa mna basandithanda, ibe emva kokuba utata efudukele kwigunjana elikwelinye icala ledolophu, bobabini baqhubeka bendinyamekela ngokwezimali.

“Kwiminyaka emibini emva koko umama waphinda watshata, saza safudukela kwelinye ilizwe. Emva koko, ndandimbona emva kweminyaka utata. Kule minyaka isithoba idluleyo, ndimbone kanye kuphela. Ixesha elininzi lokukhula kwam ebengekho, yaye akabazi abantwana bam abathathu—abazukulwana bakhe—ngaphandle kwezinto endandimchazela zona ngabo xa ndimbhalele, ababone ke nasezifotweni endandimthumelela zona. Baphoswa kukwazi utatomkhulu wabo.

“Njengengxwelerha yoqhawulo-mtshato, ndikhule ndinamanxeba angabonakaliyo. Kodwa ngaphakathi ndandizele ngumsindo, ndixinezelekile yaye ndingazithembanga, ndabe ndingasazi isizathu soko. Ndandingawathembi tu amadoda. Kwathi xa ndandikwiminyaka engama-30 ubudala, umhlobo wam oqolileyo wandinceda ndabona unobangela wokucaphuka kwam yaye ndazama ukwahlukana nako.

“Ukuqhawula umtshato kwabazali bam kwandihlutha ilungelo elisisiseko lomntwana ngamnye—ukuziva ukhuselekile. Ihlabathi likhohlakele yaye liyoyikisa, kodwa kubonakala ngathi intsapho iludonga olukukhuselayo kulo, ikwenze uzive uhoyekile. Ukuba kuqhekeza intsapho, luyawa nolo donga.”—UDiane.

[Ibhokisi ekwiphepha 7]

“KWAKUNGATHI NDINGAZAHLULA KUBINI”

“Abazali bam baqhawula umtshato ndineminyaka eli-12 ubudala. Ndakhululeka ngandlel’ ithile. Kwatsho kwazola ekhaya kwakho uxolo; ndaphumla ekuphulaphuleni imilo. Kodwa ndandingayazi eyona ndlela ndivakalelwa ngayo.

“Emva kokuba beqhawule umtshato, ndafuna ukuvana nabazali bam bobabini ibe ndandizama ngamandla ukungathathi cala kangangoko kunokwenzeka. Kodwa enoba ndandisenza ntoni na, kwakungathi ndingazahlula kubini. Utata wayesithi uvakalelwa kukuba umama uza kundenza ndimjikele. Ngoko kwafuneka ndimqinisekise ukuba umama akanakuyenza loo nto. Naye umama wayengazithembanga. Wandixelela ukuba woyika ukuba ndiphulaphule izinto ezimbi utata awayendixelela zona ngaye. Kwada oku kwafikelela kwinqanaba lokuba ndingafuni ukuphinda ndithethe nabazali bam ngoko kwenzekayo kuba ndandingafuni kubakhathaza. Ngoko, ukususela xa ndandineminyaka eli-12 ubudala, kwafuneka ndiyigcine ngaphakathi indlela endivakalelwa ngayo ngokuqhawula kwabo umtshato.”—USandra.