Umzi Oqhekekileyo—Indlela Uqhawulo-mtshato Olubachaphazela Ngayo Abakwishumi Elivisayo

IINGCALI bezicinga ukuba zinawona macebiso aluncedo. Zicebisa abazali abaneengxaki emitshatweni yabo ziye zathi: ‘Nifanele niqiniseke ukuba nonwabile,’ zaza zongezelela ngelithi: ‘Ningazikhathazi ngabantwana. Bomelele yaye banokulunyamezela uqhawulo-mtshato kunokuba bahlale nabazali abaxabanayo!’

Kodwa, abanye abacebisi ababekade beshumayela uqhawulo-mtshato, sele bevuma ngoku ukuba benza impazamo. Ngoku bathi: ‘Uqhawulo-mtshato luyimfazwe. Omabini amaqabane aphuma enamanxeba; kuquka nabantwana.’

Yintsomi Into Yokuba Lulula Uqhawulo-mtshato

Eli bali lilandelayo linokuphuma phambili njengebali elihlekisayo kumabonwakude. Kweli bali, uTata noMama baqhawule umtshato. UMama ufumana ilungelo lokugcina abantwana aze atshate nomhlolo onabakhe abantwana. Veki nganye le ntsapho ixokonyezelelweyo iba neengxaki ezahlukahlukeneyo—ngxaki nganye kwezi iconjululwa ngaphambi kokuba kuphele imizuzu engama-30, ngoxa kwangaxeshanye kuqinisekiswa ukuba ababukeli bagcinwa behleka.

Mhlawumbi eli bali lenzelwe ukuhlekisa ababukeli bakamabonwakude. Kodwa uqhawulo-mtshato lokoqobo aluhlekisi. Luyinkqubo ebuhlungu. Kwincwadi yakhe ethi Emotional Infidelity uM. Gary ubhala athi: “Uqhawulo-mtshato lubandakanya inkqubo yomthetho. Ukho umzali omangalela omnye. Xa usenza isigqibo sokuqhawula umtshato ulahla ilungelo onalo lokulawula umntwana wakho. Kwakhona akukwazi kuyilawula imali yakho yaye akukwazi nokuzikhethela indawo ofuna ukuhlala kuyo. Ninokuzicombulula ezi ngxaki ngenkundla kodwa akukho siqinisekiso sokuba niya kuphumelela. Ekugqibeleni ninokuxelelwa yijaji enganazi nokunazi ukuba uza kumbona kangaphi umntwana wakho nokuba uza kusala nemali engakanani. Ngelishwa, loo jaji ayicingi ngendlela enicinga ngayo.”

Amaxesha amaninzi, ukuqhawula umtshato kukubaleka ezinye iingxaki uye kuzifaka kwezinye. Eneneni, yonk’ into ukususela kwindlela eniphila ngayo nangokwasezimalini isenokutshintsha—yaye amaxesha amaninzi ayitshintshi ibe bhetele. Nabantwana bayachaphazeleka luqhawulo-mtshato.

Uqhawulo-mtshato Luyabachaphazela Abantwana Abakwishumi Elivisayo

Uqhawulo-mtshato lunokubaxhela abantwana enoba badala kangakanani na. Abanye abantu bathi abantwana abakwishumi elivisayo banyamezela bhetele. Baqiqa ngelithi, abakwishumi elivisayo baqolile yaye bebehleli beza kuya kuzimela kungekudala kakade. Noko ke, abaphengululi abavumelani noko. Baye bafumanisa ukuba ngenxa yezo zizathu kanye, uqhawulo-mtshato lubenzakalisa gqitha abakwishumi elivisayo.a Makhe sihlole oku kulandelayo:

◼ Njengokuba abantwana abakwishumi elivisayo besiya bekhula, baya bengazithembi kunokuba babenjalo besebancinane. Mayingakuqhathi into yokubonakala ngathi bangakwazi ukuzimela—xa bekwishumi elivisayo abantwana bakufuna ngamandla ukukhulela kwintsapho ezinzileyo.

◼ Bathi xa kanye ebomini befunda ukwakha ubuhlobo obuluqilima, kufike uqhawulo-mtshato lubenze bangaqiniseki ngeempawu ezifana nokuthemba, ukunyaniseka nokuthanda. Kamva xa sele bebadala basenokukuphepha ukwakha ubuhlobo obusenyongweni.

◼ Nangona kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukuba abantwana bafane benze ngenxa yentlungu abakuyo kodwa abo abakwishumi elivisayo bayibonisa ngendlela eyingozi njengokuba ziinjubaqa, ukuba ngamanxila nokusebenzisa kakubi iziyobisi.

Oku akuthethi kuthi abakwishumi elivisayo abanabazali abaqhawule umtshato abasayi kwazi ukwakha ubuhlobo nabanye abantu okanye abayi kuphumelela kwikamva. Banokuphumelela, ngokukodwa ukuba bayanxibelelana nabazali babo.b Noko ke, akukho ngqiqweni ukucinga ukuba ukuqhawula umtshato, kanye njengokuba abanye besenokutsho, kusoloko ‘kusenza izinto zibe bhetele ebantwaneni’ okanye kusisicombululo sazo zonke iingxabano zamaqabane. Enyanisweni, abanye bafumanise ukuba ixesha elininzi, kuye kufuneke basebenzisane ngakumbi neqabane “elisokolisayo” emva kokuba beqhawule umtshato kunangaphambi koko, kuba kufuneka bethethe ngemiba entununtunu enjengokuxhaswa kwabantwana ngemali nelungelo lokubagcina. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, uqhawulo-mtshato aluziphelisi iingxaki zentsapho; kunoko luzisa kwelinye inqanaba.

Okwesithathu

Kuthekani ukuba ngenxa yeengxaki ezisemtshatweni wakho ukhe wacinga ngokuwuqhawula? Eli nqaku likunika izizathu ezibangela ukuba ukhe uphinde ucingisise ngesigqibo sakho. Ukuqhawula umtshato akuzicombululi zonke iingxaki zomtshato.

Kodwa ungayiqondi phosakeleyo le nto: Akusayi kukunceda nganto ukusuka unyamezele nje enoba umtshato uneengxaki. Ikho enye into onokuyenza—Ukuba umtshato wakho uneengxaki unokuzama ukuwuphucula. Musa ukukhawuleza uncame, usithi iingxaki zomtshato wakho azinakulungiseka. Zibuze le mibuzo:

◼ ‘Ziziphi iimpawu ezanditsalayo kwiqabane lam? Akungebi mhlawumbi ezo mpawu zisekho ngokomlinganiselo othile?’—IMizekeliso 31:10, 29.

◼ ‘Ngaba ndinokuzivuselela iimvakalelo endandinazo ngaphambi komtshato?—INgoma yazo iiNgoma 2:2; 4:7.

◼ ‘Ngaphandle koko kwenziwe liqabane lam, yintoni endinokuyenza ukuze ndisebenzise amacebiso akwiphepha 3 ukuya kwelesi-9 leli phephancwadi?—Roma 12:18.

◼ ‘Ngaba ndinokulichazela iqabane lam (ndithethe nalo sijongene okanye ndilibhalele) ngendlela endingathanda ukuba siwuphucule ngayo umtshato wethu?’—Yobhi 10:1.

◼ ‘Ngaba singabiza umhlobo wethu oqolileyo onokusinceda sibeke usukelo olusengqiqweni lokuphucula umtshato wethu?’—IMizekeliso 27:17.

IBhayibhile ithi: “Onobuqili uyawaqwalasela amanyathelo akhe.” (IMizekeliso 14:15) Loo mgaqo awusebenzi kuphela xa ukhetha iqabane lomtshato kodwa kwanaxa ucinga ngoko uza kukwenza ukulungisa umtshato ohexayo. Eneneni, njengoko kutshiwo kwiphepha 9 leli phephancwadi, neentsapho eziphumelelayo ziba nazo iingxaki—kwahluka nje indlela yokuzilungisa.

Ngokomzekelo: Masithi uthatha uhambo olude ngemoto. Akunayiphepha into yokudibana neengxaki endleleni, njengemozulu embi, ukubakho kweemoto ezininzi endleleni, kwakunye nokuvalwa kweendlela. Maxa wambi, unokulahleka. Uza kwenza ntoni? Ngaba uza kujika, ubuyele emva, ufumane indlela yokuhlangabezana naloo miqobo okanye uqhubeke nohambo lwakho? Mhla wawutshata, waqala uhambo owawuqinisekile ukuba luza kuba neengxaki zalo, kuba iBhayibhile ithi “abatshatileyo baya kuhlala befikelwa ziingxaki.” (1 Korinte 7:28, iBhayibhile yesiXhosa yowe-1996.) Ngokuqinisekileyo ziza kubakho iingxaki kodwa eyona nto ibalulekileyo yindlela oza kuzilungisa ngayo xa sele zikho. Ngaba ungafumana indlela yokuhlangabezana nengxaki uze uqhubele phambili? Kwanokuba uvakalelwa kukuba umtshato wakho awunakuze ulunge, ngaba akunakukhe ufune uncedo?—Yakobi 5:14.

Ilungiselelo LikaThixo

Umtshato lilungiselelo likaThixo elingamele lithathwe lula. (Genesis 2:24) Xa ubona ngathi iingxaki ziyakongamela, khumbula oko siye sakuxubusha kweli nqaku.

1. Zama ukuvuselela uthando owawunalo kuqala.—INgoma yazo iiNgoma 8:6.

2. Gqiba ngoko unokukwenza ukuze uphucule umtshato wakho, uze ukwenze.—Yakobi 1:22.

3. Ngendlela ecacileyo, kodwa ebonisa intlonelo, xelela iqabane lakho—enoba uthetha nalo nihleli kunye okanye uyalibhalela—ngezinto ocinga ukuba ningazenza ukuze niphucule umtshato wenu.—Yobhi 7:11.

4. Cela uncedo. Akunyanzelekanga ukuba uwulungise wedwa umtshato wakho!

[Imibhalo esemazantsi]

[Ibhokisi/Umfanekiso okwiphepha 19]

‘UZA KUPHUMELELA LO UMTSHATO’

Uhlolisiso ludiza ukuba imitshato yesibini inamathuba amaninzi okungaphumeleli kunaleyo yokuqala ibe kuba nzima kakhulu kweyesithathu. Kwincwadi yakhe ethi Emotional Infidelity, uM. Gary Neuman uyasichaza isizathu soku. Ubhala athi: “Iingxaki onazo kumtshato wakho wokuqala, azithethi ukuba ukhethe iqabane elingelilo. Into ilele kuwe. Nguwe owathanda lo mntu. Nantoni na eninayo naleyo nisilela kuyo ibangelwe nini.” Lo kaNeuman uqukumbela ngelithi: “Kubhetele wahlukane nengxaki uze ugcine iqabane lakho kunokwahlukana neqabane lakho uze ugcine ingxaki.”

[Ibhokisi ekwiphepha 21]

XA UMTSHATO UQHAWUKA

IBhayibhile iyavuma ukuba zikho iimeko ezinzima ezinokukhokelela kuqhawulo-mtshato.c Ukuba oko kuye kwenzeka kweyakho intsapho, unokubanceda njani abantwana bakho abakwishumi elivisayo ukuba bahlangabezane nale meko?

Mxelele umntwana wakho okwishumi elivisayo ngoko kwenzekayo. Ukuba kunokwenzeka, le nto imele yenziwe ngabazali bobabini. Nobabini, mxeleleni umntwana wenu okwishumi elivisayo ukuba, esi sigqibo sokuqhawula umtshato asizi kutshintsha. Mqinisekiseni ukuba akangonobangela wale meko yaye niya kuqhubeka nimthanda nobabini njengabazali bakhe.

Umtshato uqhawukile—yekani ukulwa. Abanye abazali baqhubeka besilwa, sele kukudala umtshato waqhawukayo. Elinye ichule lakha lathi, “bayawuqhawula umtshato ngokusemthethweni kodwa baqhubeke besemfazweni baze bangakwazi ukude bafikelele eluxolweni.” Le nto ayihluthi abakwishumi elivisayo abazali babo kuphela—ekubeni uTata noMama besoloko besilwa—kodwa yenza aba bantwana baxabanise abazali babo baze bona baqhubeke besenza ukuthanda kwabo. Ngokomzekelo, unyana unokuthi kunina: “UTata uyandivumela ukuba ndibuye ebusuku kakhulu. Kutheni wena ungandivumeli nje?” Kuba engafuni ukuba unyana wakhe aye “kwicala lotshaba,” unina unokumvumela.

Vumela umntwana wakho okwishumi elivisayo athethe. Abakwishumi elivisayo banokuqiqa ngelithi ‘Ukuba abazali bam abasathandani, basenokuba abandithandi nam’ okanye ‘Ukuba abazali bam bophula imithetho, kutheni mna ndingenakuyaphula?’ Ukuze unciphise ukungakhululeki kwalo mntwana nokulungisa iingcinga zakhe ezigqwethekileyo, unokumnika ithuba elaneleyo lokuba athethe. Kodwa nantsi into omele uyilumkele: Musa ukuthwalisa umntwana wakho okwishumi elivisayo umthwalo onzima ngokukhuphela imbilini yakho kuye. Ngumntwana wakho lo, hayi umcebisi wakho.

Khuthaza umntwana wakho ukuba asebenzisane kakuhle neqabane lakho langaphambili. Umntu oqhawule naye umtshato akaseloqabane lakho kodwa usengumzali womntwana wakho. Ukuthetha kakubi ngaloo mntu konakalisa izinto ezininzi. Incwadi ethi Teens in Turmoil—A Path to Change for Parents, Adolescents, and Their Families ithi: “Ukuba abazali bakhetha ukulwa besebenzisa abantwana babo xa beqhawule umtshato bafanele balindele ukuvuna oko bakuhlwayeleyo.”

Zinyamekele. Maxa wambi, uyatyhafa. Kodwa musa ukunikezela. Qhubeka nocwangciso oluza kukugcina uxakeke zizinto ezakhayo. Ukuba ungumKristu, zixakekise ngemicimbi yonqulo. Ukwenjenjalo kuya kuninceda nomntwana wakho okwishumi elivisayo nilungelelane.—INdumiso 18:2; Mateyu 28:19, 20; Hebhere 10:24, 25.

[Umbhalo osemazantsi]

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 20]

Zama ukuzalisekisa isithembiso owasenza mhla watshata

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 21]

Ukuba nobabini ninelungelo lokugcina umntwana, khuthaza umntwana wakho okwishumi elivisayo ukuba abe nolwalamano oluhle neqabane lakho langaphambili