Xa Umntwana Enyanzelelwa Ukuba Akhule Ngokukhawuleza
IZULU limathumb’ antaka, yaye inqwelo-moya encinane esebenza ngenjini enye ilungiselela ukunduluka. Esi siganeko sasingundaba-mlonyeni kuwo onke amajelo eendaba, kwakuthatyathwa imifanekiso, yaye abacholacholi beendaba babebuza imibuzo ngomdla bencoma nokuncoma. Ngubani lo wayethimb’ ingqalelo kangaka? Yayingengomqhubi oqeqeshelwe ukuqhuba inqwelo-moya ingenguye nomntu omnye oyindoda owayekhwele kuloo nqwelo-moya kodwa bonke abantu babenomdla kwintwazana yale ndoda. Yayineminyaka esixhenxe ubudala.
Le ntwazana yayiza kuqhuba inqwelo-moya. Yayiza kuba ngumntwana omncinane wokuqala ukuqhuba inqwelo-moya kwelo yaye kukho usukelo oluthile eyayifanele ilufikelele. Abacholacholi beendaba babeza kulinda kwisikhululo esilandelayo. Ngoko, nangona imozulu yayimbi, aba bantu bathathu bakhwela kwinqwelo-moya, le ntwazana yayihleli phezu komqamelo ukuze ikwazi ukubona ngaphambili kwaye yayifake izixokomezelo ukuze ikwazi ukunyathela imicephe.
Kodwa olo hambo lwathabatha ixesha elifutshane kakhulu. Kwabakho isaqhwithi ngequbuliso, yaye ngephanyazo, inqwelo-moya yajika yajonga kwelinye icala yantlitheka bafa bobathathu abo babekhwele apho. Amajelo eendaba ekwakulindeleke ukuba asasaze iindaba zovuyo, asasaza ngokukhawuleza ezo ndaba zibuhlungu. Iintatheli nabahleli babezibuza enoba amajelo eendaba ayenegalelo kusini na kuloo ntlekele. Emva kweso siganeko, abantu abaninzi bathi akukho mntwana ufanele aqhube inqwelo-moya. EUnited States, kwamiselwa imithetho eyayigunyazisa ukuba kungabikho mntwana uvunyelwa ukuqhuba inqwelo-moya. Kodwa ngaphandle kokuchukumiseka kwabantu ngenxa yeso siganeko nokunikela kwabo amacebiso okucombulula le meko, kwavuka imbambano enzulu nangakumbi.
Ngenxa yaloo ntlekele, bambi baqalisa ukucinga nzulu ngotyekelo olukhoyo kweli xesha siphila kulo. Namhlanje abantwana banyanzelwa ukuba bakhule ngokukhawuleza, benyanzelwa ukuba benze imisebenzi eyenziwa ngabantu abadala besebancinane. Kuyavunywa ukuba, imiphumo ayisoloko iphawuleka okanye ibuhlungu njengale. Kodwa isenokuba nzulu yaye ihlale ixesha elide. Makhe siqwalasele ezinye zeendlela umntwana anokunyanzelwa ukuba akhule ngokukhawuleza ngazo.
Ukufunda Ngokukhawuleza
Ngezizathu ezivakalayo, abazali baba nomdla wokubona abantwana babo bephumelela. Kodwa xa abazali beqalisa ukuxhalaba, basenokuthwalisa abantwana babo iimbopheleleko ezinzima, bebanyanzela ukuba benze umsebenzi ongaphezu kwamandla abo. Ekuqaleni basenokubonakala beneenjongo ezintle. Ngokomzekelo, iqhelekile into yokuba abazali babhalise abantwana babo ukuba babandakanyeke kweminye imisebenzi emva kwesikolo, njengokuba nenxaxheba kwezemidlalo, ukufunda umculo okanye umdaniso. Ngokufuthi, badla ngokuqeshelwa nomhlohli wangasese.
Kakade ke, akukho nto iphosakeleyo ngokukhuthaza umntwana kwizinto anobuchule okanye anomdla kuzo. Kodwa ngaba abazali banokuzibaxa izinto kule nkalo? Ngokucacileyo banako, kuba abanye abantwana babonakala beneengxaki ezininzi ngokungathi ngabantu abadala. Iphephancwadi iTime lithi: “Ngaphambili, abantwana babefudula benandipha ilungelo lokukhula njengabantwana kodwa ngoku ngamakhoboka ezifundo; abantwana ebekufanele ukuba bagqadaza yonk’ indawo bedlala, baxakeke njengeenyosi ezenza ubusi.”
Abanye abazali baba nethemba lokuba abantwana babo banokuba ziincutshe kwezemidlalo, iimvumi ezivunyiweyo okanye abadlali beqonga bodumo. Bengekazalwa nokuzalwa, abazali babhalisa abantwana babo kwizikolo zabantwana abangekaqalisi esikolweni, ngethemba lokuba loo nto iya kubenza baphumelele ebomini. Ukongezelela koko, abanye oomama babhalisa abantwana babo “kwiiyunivesithi zabantwana abangekazalwa” apho kufundiswa khona iimveku ezisesibelekweni umculo. Injongo kukuqeqesha ingqondo yomntwana.
Kwamanye amazwe, ubuchule bomntwana bokufunda nokubala buhlolwa engekabinayo neminyaka emithandathu ubudala. Ngenxa yoko, abanye abantu bavakalisa inkxalabo abanayo ngomonakalo onokubangelwa koko kwindlela umntwana avakalelwa ngayo. Ngokomzekelo, kwenzeka ntoni kumntwana “ongaphumelelanga” kwisikolo sabantwana abancinane? UDavid Elkind, ongumbhali wencwadi ethi The Hurried Child, uthi abahlohli badla ngokukhawuleza ukugqiba ngezifundo umntwana afanele azithabathe. Lo kaElkind uthi, bafikelela kweso sigqibo kungekhona ngenjongo yokumnceda kodwa kuba nje befuna ukwenza umsebenzi wabo ube lula.
Ngaba ukunyanzela abantwana ukuba bakhule ngokukhawuleza kuba nemiphumo? Lo kaElkind ukhathazwa yindlela abantu abakuthanda ngayo ukuthwalisa abantwana iimbopheleleko zabantu abadala. Uthi: “Oko kubonisa ukuba sikuthabatha njengento ‘eqhelekileyo’ ukuxinezeleka kwabantu abaselula.” Eneneni, ziya zisiba ninzi izinto ezigqalwa njengeziqhelekileyo kwindlela abakhula ngayo abantwana.
Ukungxamela Ukuphumelela
Kubonakala ukuba abazali abaninzi bacinga ukuba kufanelekile, okanye kububulumko ukufundisa abantwana babo ukuba ukuphumelela yeyona nto ibalulekileyo—ngokukodwa kwezemidlalo. Namhlanje, kubantwana abaninzi ukufumana iimbasa kwimidlalo yeolimpiki lukhuthazo. Ukuze bafumane udumo lokomzuzwana baze baphile ubomi obutofotofo xa bebadala, abanye abantwana banyanzelwa ukuba bakhule ngokukhawuleza okanye bancame ezinye izinto.
Ngokomzekelo, khawucinge ngamabhinqa enza umthambo. Aqala eselula ukwenza uqheliselo olunzima ngaloo mizinjana yawo mincinane. Achitha iminyaka emininzi eziqeqesha engqondweni nasemzimbeni elungiselela ukhuphiswano kwimidlalo yeOlimpiki. Kakade ke, bambalwa abaphumelelayo kule midlalo. Ngaba abo bangaphumelelanga baya kuvakalelwa kukuba ukuncama kwabo ezinye izinto zobuntwana kube yingenelo? Ekuhambeni kwexesha, kwanabo baphumeleleyo basenokuthandabuza ukuba kukho ingenelo abayifumeneyo.
La mantombazana, asenokuphenjelelwa ukuba abe nomnqweno wokuba ziincutshe kwezemidlalo. Kodwa asenokungakhuli kakuhle ngenxa yokwenza imithambo enzima. Amathambo amanye ala mantombazana asenokungakhuli kakuhle. Amanye adla ngokuba nengxaki yokutya ngokungalungelelananga. Amaninzi kula mantombazana, athabatha ixesha elide ngaphambi kokuba afikise kubuntu obudala—maxa wambi athabatha iminyaka. Noko ke, amantombazana amaninzi namhlanje ajamelene nengxaki eyahlukileyo: ukufikisa ngaphambi kwexesha.—Bona ibhokisi engasentla.
Abantwana Abafumene Yonk’ Into Kodwa Ababandezwe Ilungelo Lokukhula Ngokufanelekileyo
Ukuba uyakukholelwa oko kuthethwa ngamajelo ezolonwabo, usenokucinga ukuba umntwana okhule ngendlela efanelekileyo ngumntwana ofumana bonke ubunewunewu onokucinga ngabo. Abanye abazali basebenza nzima ukuze abantwana babo bakhule benabo bonke ubunewunewu bezinto eziphathekayo, kuquka ikhaya elinabo bonke ubuqheleqhele, baxhamle zonke iindlela zokuzonwabisa babathengele nempahla yokunxiba ebiza imali eninzi.
Ukanti, abantwana abaninzi abakhuliswe ngale ndlela basela iziselo ezinxilisayo, basebenzisa iziyobisi yaye badla ngokuba ziinjubaqa. Ngoba? Banomsindo ngenxa yokuba baziva bengakhathalelwanga. Abantwana bafuna uthando nenyameko yabazali. Abazali abasoloko bexakekile baze bangalifumani ithuba lokuba nabantwana babo basenokucinga ukuba injongo yokusebenza kwabo kukuqinisekisa ukuba abantwana babo bonwabile—kodwa eneneni, kusenokwenzeka ukuba akunjalo.
UGqr. Judith Paphazy uthi “abazali abasebenza bobabini, abafumana imivuzo encumisayo nabagqalwa njengabantu abakumgangatho ophezulu ekuhlaleni,” badla “ngokubafekethisa abantwana babo kuba beqonda ukuba ukuzibhokoxa kwabo befuna izinto eziphathekayo kubenza banganikeli ngqalelo ngokwaneleyo kwiintsapho zabo.” Ngokutsho kwakhe, abazali abanjalo bazama “ukuzikhulula ekubeni ngabazali ngokukhupha intlawulo ethile.”
Ngabantwana abadla ngokuba ngamaxhoba. Nangona besenokuba nezinto ezininzi eziphathekayo, abayifumani eyona nto ibalulekileyo umntwana amele ayifumane xa ekhula: ukuchitha ixesha nabazali nokufumana uthando lwabazali. Ngenxa yokungabikho kokhokelo, uqeqesho nolwalathiso lwabazali, kuye kufuneke benze izigqibo ngokuphathelele izinto abangenamava kuzo, bengekakulungeli oko. ‘Ngaba ndifanele ndizisebenzise iziyobisi? Ngaba ndifanele ndibe neentlobano zesini? Ngaba ndifanele ndisebenzise ugonyamelo xa ndinomsindo?’ Basenokuzifumanela iimpendulo koontanga babo okanye kumabonwakude okanye kubadlali beemovie. Umphumo woko kukwahlukana nobuntwana babo ngokukhawuleza okanye kabuhlungu.
Xa Umntwana Enyanzeleka Ukuba Abe “Ngumntu Omdala”
Xa ngequbuliso intsapho ebisoloko inabo bobabini abazali isiba nomzali omnye, enoba kungenxa yokufa kwelinye iqabane, ukwahlukana okanye uqhawulo-mtshato, abantwana badla ngokuba buhlungu kakhulu. Kakade ke, iintsapho ezininzi ezinomzali omnye zidla ngokuphumelela. Kodwa kwezinye, abantwana bayanyanzeleka ukuba bakhule ngokukhawuleza.
Siyaqondakala isizathu sokuba ngamathub’ athile umzali ongenaqabane abe lilolo. Ngenxa yoko, abanye bathwalisa umntwana—oyena umdala—imbopheleleko zentsapho ebezimele ukuba zisingathwa “ngumzali” ongekhoyo. Ngenxa yokuba esengxakini, umzali usenokuphalaz’ imbilini kunyana okanye kwintombi yakhe eselula, ethwalisa umntwana iingxaki ezingamlingananga. Abanye abazali abangenamaqabane banokukwenza umkhwa ukuphalaza imbilini yabo yonke kubantwana babo.
Abanye abazali bayazityeshela ngokupheleleyo iimbopheleleko zabo, benyanzela umntwana ukuba adlale indima yomntu omdala entsatsheni. UCarmen nodadewabo, abakhankanywe ngaphambilana, babaleka ekhaya baza baya kuhlala esitratweni. Nabo babesebancinane xa kwanyanzeleka ukuba banyamekele abantakwabo abancinane kubo. Abazange bakwazi ukuyisingatha loo mbopheleleko.
Ngokungathandabuzekiyo, ukunyanzela umntwana ukuba abe ngumntu omdala ngaphambi kwexesha kuyingozi, yaye kumele kuphetshwe xa kunokwenzeka. Kodwa kukho nto ivuyisayo: Abazali banako ukuthabatha amanyathelo afanelekileyo ukuze baqiniseke ukuba abantwana babo bakhula bonwabile. Ngawaphi loo manyathelo? Makhe sihlole amacebiso aluncedo nekukudala esetyenziswa.
[Ibhokisi ekwiphepha 16]
Ucelomngeni Lokufikisa Ngaphambi Kwexesha
Ngaba amantombazana namhlanje afikisa ngaphambi kwexesha? Lo isengumbandela oyintsinda-badala kwizazinzulu. Ezinye zithi phakathi kwinkulungwane ye-19, amantombazana ayefikisa xa eneminyaka eli-17 ubudala, ukanti ngoku afikisa engaphantsi nakwiminyaka eli-13 ubudala. Ngokutsho kohlolisiso olwenziwa ngowe-1997, kumantombazana ali-17 000 aseUnited States, amantombazana amhlophe amalunga ne-15 ekhulwini namantombazana aNtsundu angama-50 ekhulwini abonisa iimpawu zokufikisa xa eneminyaka esibhozo ubudala! Noko ke, abanye oogqirha bayakuphikisa oko yaye balumkisa abazali ukuba xa bebona iimpawu zokufikisa kubantwana abaselula kakhulu bangakugqali oko njengento “eqhelekileyo.”
Noko ke, le meko izisa ucelomngeni kubazali nakubantwana. Iphephancwadi iTime lithi: “Eyona nto ibangela ixhala nangaphezu kotshintsho olwenzeka emzimbeni kukuba, abantwana abafikisa ngokukhawuleza bayaphazamiseka engqondweni, kuba kunokuba bafunde iincwadi zeentsomi kufuneka bazame ukuphepha amadoda aziingcuka. . . . Ixesha lobuntwana lifutshane kakhulu.” Kweli nqaku, kuphakanyiswa umbuzo obangel’ ixhala, othi: “Ukuba imizimba yamantombazana aselula iwenza akhangeleke njengabantu abadala, ngoxa iintliziyo neengqondo zawo zingekakulungeli oko, yintoni aya kuphulukana nayo ngonaphakade?”
Ngokufuthi adla ngokuphulukana nobunyulu bawo—ngenxa yokuxhatshazwa ngokwesini. Ekubeka ngokungqalileyo oku, omnye umama uthi: “Amantombazana akhawuleze afikisa afana nobusi [enyosini]. Anomtsalane emakhwenkweni.” Iba buhlungu kakhulu imiphumo eyehlela umntwana oye wanyanzelwa ukuba abandakanyeke kwiintlobano zesini esemncinane. Intombazana eselula inokuphulukana nesidima, isazela esicocekileyo, impilo yayo inokonakala yaye isenokuphazamiseka nangokweemvakalelo.
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 15]
Ukunika umntwana iimbopheleleko ekunzima gqitha ukuba azithwale kunokubangela iingxaki
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 17]
Ukunyanzela abantwana ukuba babe nomoya wokhuphiswano kunokubangela abantwana bangazinandiphi ezemidlalo
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 17]
Ukuba nezinto eziphathekayo akumenzi ubani abe ngumzali ophumelelayo