Intsha Iyabuza . . .

Kungani Kufanele Uhlale Umsulwa?

“Ubumsulwa,” kusho umlobi uLesley Jane Nonkin, “buye baba njengabathakathi abamila enganeni, ‘into okumelwe ikulahlekele ngaphambi kokuba uthole iziqu.’” Amazwi anjengalawa abonisa isimo sengqondo esiyekelelayo, sokungabi namthwalo wemfanelo intsha enaso ngobulili. Kulezinsuku, omusha osemsulwa ngokunokwenzeka ubhekwa njengoyinqaba, ongavamile. Kokunye ukuhlolwa kwentsha, abafana bavuma ukuthi “babekulangazelela kakhulu” ukulahlekelwa ubumsulwa babo. Amantombazane asemsulwa avuma ukuthi ayenomuzwa “wokungaphili kahle engqondweni.”

Nokho, njengoba isihloko esingaphambili sabonisa, ubumsulwa buyafaneleka emehlweni kaNkulunkulu.a Ubazisa kakhulu futhi uyabulahla ubulili bangaphambi komshado njengobungafanele ngokokuziphatha nobulimazayo. (1 Thesalonika 4:3-8) Ngisho nakuba kunjalo, ukuhlala umsulwa kudinga ukubhekana nokucindezela okukhulu. Kungani kufanele omusha enze kanjalo? Ingabe zikhona izinzuzo zokuhlala umsulwa?

Ingabe Kuyindlela Yokuthola Uthando?

Intsha eningi icabanga ngobulili njengobumane nje buyindlela yokubonisa uthando—noma yokuthandwa othile. Kumane nje kungokwemvelo ukufuna ukuthandwa. Futhi intsha ngokuvamile inezidingo ezikhethekile ngokuphathelene nalokhu. Incwadi iCoping With Teenage Depression iyachaza: “Ukuncipha kokusondelana kanye nokunakekelwa emikhayeni eminingi kubangela ukuba intsha ibheke kwenye indawo ukuze ithole ukuthokomala kanye nokusondelana okunjalo. Imikhaya eminingi namuhla iphila ukuphila okumatasa okwenza kube nesikhathi esincane somunye nomunye nesokuhlanganyela imisebenzi kanye nokutshelana izifuba. . . . Uma omusha engalutholi uthando kanye nokukhathalelwa ekhaya, . . . uyobheka isenzo sobulili njengesinyathelo sokugcina sokufinyelela ukusondelana kanye nesiqinisekiso sokuthandwa nokwaziswa.”

Lokhu kwabonakala kuyiqiniso ngentombazane encane uAnn. Iyachaza: “Kunentsha eningi enomuzwa wokuthi ayithandwa, mhlawumbe ngenxa yokuthi abazali bayo abayibonisi ukunaka okukhulu. Ngokushesha idinga futhi ilangazelele ukuthandwa noma ukusondelana nothile. Lokhu kwenzeka kimi. Ngaphendukela komunye umfana ukuze ngithole uthando.”

Nokho, uthando lweqiniso “aluziphathi ngokungafanele, aluzifuneli okwalo.” (1 Korinte 13:4, 5) Phakathi komshado ohloniphekayo, ubulili bufeza injongo ehloniphekile nenhle. (Genesise 1:28; IzAga 5:15-19) Kodwa ngaphandle komshado, ngokuvamile busebenza njengomuthi wezilonda ezingokomzwelo, indlela yokubalekela ukucindezeleka, indlela yokuqinisa ukuzazisa okunciphayo, ukusabela ekucindezeleni kontanga, noma ithuba lokujabulela ukusondelana kwasemshadweni ngaphandle kokwamukela imithwalo yawo yemfanelo. UDkt. Louis Fine waphetha: “Ngokuvamile, isenzo sobulili somusha othombile esenzondo, ukuthukuthela, kanye nokuzilimaza; asibonakalisi ukukhathalela, ukuhlanganyela izinto, noma umuzwa.”—“After All We’ve Done for Them”—Understanding Adolescent Behavior.

UAnn wakuthola lokhu kuyiqiniso endabeni yakhe. “Ngakhulelwa,” uyakhumbula. “Futhi lapho lokho kwenzeka, ngaqaphela ukuthi abazali bami babekhathalela, ukuthi babengithanda. Abazali bami abanamathela kimi ngesikhathi ngikhulelwe—hhayi isoka engaphendukela kulo ukuze ngithole uthando. Lashaya utshani.”

Ngisho nalapho kungekho miphumela emibi, njengokukhulelwa, eba khona, ukuziphatha okuxekethile ngokuvamile kushiya umuntu ezizwa elimele futhi engenanjongo. Incwadi iPrivate Life of the American Teenager ithi: “Abanye bazizwa bexhashaziwe amasoka abasongela ngokubashiya uma bengavumi ukuhlanganyela ebuhlotsheni bobulili. Futhi uma bevuma, ngokuvamile bagcina benomuzwa wokuxhashazwa, ikakhulukazi uma ubuhlobo buphela noma uma buqhubeka ngokobulili kuphela.”

Lapho Umncane Kakhulu Ukuba Ushade

Abanye banomuzwa wokuthi ubulili bungawusiza umbhangqwana ukuba usondelane. Kodwa uma umbhangqwana umncane kakhulu ukuba ushade, kufeza yiphi injongo ukusondelana kangako? Umphumela ungaba nje ubuhlungu obungokomzwelo lapho ubuhlobo bunqamuka ngokungenakugwenywa. Encwadini yakhe ethi How to Raise Parents, umlobi uClayton Barbeau usikhumbuza ukuthi “isikhathi sokuthomba isikhathi lapho wakha khona ubuntu bakho, uzama ukuthola ukuthi ungubani.” Uyabuza: “Uma ungazazi ukuthi ungubani, ungakwazi kanjani ukuthanda, futhi ngaleyondlela wazi omunye umuntu?”

Ngaphandle kwalokho, ubulili ekuqomisaneni buvame ukuqeda, hhayi ukuthuthukisa ukukhulumisana okunenjongo. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, imizwa yecala ingawuhlukanisa umbhangqwana. (Roma 2:15) “Umuzwa wami wecala walivula ngisho nakakhulu igebe ebuhlotsheni bethu,” kuvuma enye intombazane. “Ngalizonda [isoka lami] ngokungenza ngizizwe kabi kangaka ngami ngokwami. Ngangingasakwazi ngisho nokubabheka emehlweni abazali bami ngazizwa ngihlazekile ngempela.” Omunye omusha uyabubula: “Ngalahla yonke into engangikholelwa kuyo, izindinganiso zami zokuziphatha kanye nokuzihlonipha, kanye nonembeza wami ohlanzekile—konke ukuze nje ngizizwe ngithandwa.”

Ngakho-ke, umlobi uClayton Barbeau wakufingqa kahle lapho ethi: “Ngicabanga ukuthi intsha edlala ngobulili injengezinsana eziphethe initroglycerin.”

Isihluthulelo Somshado Ojabulayo?

Enye intsha inomuzwa wokuthi ukuzuza okuhlangenwe nakho kobulili kuyoyilungiselela kangcono umshado. Amaqiniso abonisa okwehlukile. Phakathi kokunye, izinkinga zobulili emshadweni ngokuvamile zihlobene nezici ezingokomzwelo—hhayi ukuntuleka kokuhlangenwe nakho ngokobulili. Ngokunokwenzeka kakhulu, ubulili bangaphambi komshado buyawulimaza umshado. Buqeda ukuhloniphana futhi bufundise umbhangqwana ukuba uhlobane ngokuyinhloko ngokomzimba; ukusondelana ngokomzwelo kuyadebeselelwa. Njengoba incwadi iBuilding a Successful Marriage iphawula: “Ubulili bangaphambi komshado ngokuyinhloko buwukuhlangana ngokomzimba, obunezimpawu zobugovu kunokuba kube obuzuzisa ngokulinganayo.” Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, umbono wobugovu ngobulili uphumela osizini lomshado. Ukwaneliseka emshadweni kuba khona lapho umbhangqwana oshadile usebenzisa izimiso zeBhayibheli futhi ukukhathalela ngokwengeziwe ukupha kunokwamukela ngobugovu.—1 Korinte 7:3; qhathanisa nezEnzo 20:35.

Incwadi ethi Why Wait Till Marriage? iveza enye inkinga: “Amadoda nabesifazane abebeyekelela ngokobulili ngaphambi komshado abanakulindelwa ukuba bashintshe ngokuyisimangaliso lapho beshada. Ngaphandle kwabambalwa abehlukile, bayaqhubeka bephatha izinkanuko zabo zobulili njengoba bebenza ngaphambi kokuba bashade.” Lencwadi iphetha ngokuthi: “Uma ukuthembeka emshadweni kubalulekile kuwe, khona-ke qaphela ukuthi kuhlobene nokuthembeka ngaphambi komshado.” Ukuhlala umsulwa uze ushade kungakusiza ukuba uhlakulele amandla angokokuziphatha adingekayo ukuze ulalele umyalo weBhayibheli: “Ukuganana makuhlonishwe yibo bonke, umbhede ungabi-nasisihla, ngokuba izifebe neziphingi uNkulunkulu uyakuzahlulela.”—Heberu 13:4.

Isihloko esikumagazini wezokwelapha ohlonishwayo siphetha ngalendlela: “Kusobala ukuthi abamsulwa banethuba elingcono elibikezelwe lomshado ophumelelayo ngenxa yokuthi ngokuvamile banamanye amandla okuziphatha, anjengokuzinikela kakhudlwana esibophweni sokuziphatha, ikhono elengeziwe lokungaphuthumi ukuzanelisa, ukukhathalela okukhulu kokulandela imithetho, kanye nezimfanelo ezifanayo.” Kanjalo labo abalahla ubumsulwa babo ngobuwula bayozisola kakhulu.b Enye intombazane yathi: “Ngineminyaka engu-14 ubudala futhi ngiye ngalahlekelwa ubumsulwa bami. Ngizisola ngokujulile ngayo yonke inhliziyo kanye nomphefumulo wami. Inhliziyo yami ibuhlungu ngenxa yokuthi ngangifuna ukuba intokazi emsulwa umyeni wami wesikhathi esizayo ayoyifisela.”

Gwema Ukuzona Wena

Kunenye inzuzo yokugcina yokuba msulwa okufanele uyicabangele. IBhayibheli libonisa ukuthi labo abadelela imithetho kaNkulunkulu “bazona bona njengomvuzo wokwenza okubi.” (2 Petru 2:13, NW) Ubulili bangaphambi komshado bungaphumela kanjani ekuzoneni okunjalo? Ngokwesibonelo, cabangela isihloko esikumagazini iSeventeen: “Abacwaningi bengculaza bathi baya beshaqeka kakhulu ngalokho abakubona njengokusakazeka okukhulayo kwegciwane lengculaza entsheni.” Nokho, naphezu kokwazeka kwalesisifo esibulalayo, okunye ukuhlola kwembula ukuthi “cishe ingxenye eyodwa kwezintathu kuphela [yentsha eyahlolwa] eye yashintsha ukuziphatha kwayo okungokobulili ngenxa yokwesaba lesifo.”

Leyontsha iyahluleka futhi ukuqaphela ukuthi ukuziphatha okubi kungaphumela ekukhulelweni, izifo eziningi ezidluliselwa ngobulili ngaphezu kwengculaza, ubuhlungu obungokomzwelo, unembeza olimele, futhi—okubi kunakho konke—nobuhlobo noNkulunkulu obulimele. Ungazoni. IzAga 14:16 zithi: “Ohlakaniphileyo uyesaba, udeda ebubini.” Ungayengelwa ekukholelweni inganekwane “yobulili obulondekile.” NgokukaNkulunkulu, okuwukuphela kobulili obulondekile nobamukelekayo obenziwa ngaphakathi kwesibopho somshado. Kuze kube yilesosikhathi, yazisa ubumsulwa bakho. Ungabavumeli abanye bakwenze ube namahloni ngakho noma bakunxenxele ekubeni ubudacazele phansi.

[Imibhalo yaphansi]

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Abaningi abalahla ubumsulwa babo ngaphambi komshado bazizwa benashaziwe futhi bexhashaziwe