Indlela Yokuvimbela Ukudlwengulwa
UEric wayemude ewumgembeleza, futhi evela emkhayeni ocebile. ULori wayeneminyaka engu-19 ubudala futhi wayemenywe ukuba ayophola nabantu ababili uEric kanye nomngane wakhe ahlala naye. Wafika embuthanweni kubo kaEric, kodwa engazi, omunye umbhangqwana wawusunqume ukungezi. Ngokushesha, ezinye izimenywa zaqala ukuhamba emcimbini.
Wathi, “ngaqala ukucabanga, ‘Kukhona okungalungile, kunobuqili obuqhubekayo,’ kodwa ngangakunaka.”
Lapho uLori eseyedwa, uEric wamdlwengula. ULori akazange akubike ukudlwengulwa emaphoyiseni, futhi kamuva wathuthela endaweni eqhele ngamakhilomitha angu-240 ukuze agweme ukuphinde abone uEric. Ngemva konyaka kamuva, wayesakwesaba ukuphola.
UKUDLWENGULA kuwusongo olukhulayo, futhi indlela engcono kakhulu yokuzivikela kowesifazane iwukuba ahlale eqaphile futhi ekulungiselele. Akusona sonke isimo sokudlwengulwa esingabonwa kusengaphambili, kodwa ukwazi ukuthi abadlwenguli bacabanga futhi bakuhlele kanjani ukudlwengula kungakusiza ukuba uqaphele izimpawu ezixwayisayo.a Isaga sakudala sithi: “Abantu abanengqondo bayoyibona inkathazo iza futhi bayigweme, kodwa umuntu ongacabangi uyokuya kuyo ngokuqondile futhi azisole kamuva.”—IzAga 27:12, Today’s English Version.
Indlela engcono kakhulu yokugwema isimo sokudlwengulwa ukugwema abadlwenguli. Kufanele uqaphele indlela yokwenza kowesilisa—ngisho nalowo omazi kahle—leyo engamenza abe umdlwenguli. (Bheka ibhokisi, ikhasi 7.) Amanye amadoda ayosebenzisa izitayela zokugqoka zabesifazane noma ukuvuma kowesifazane ukuba abe yedwa nayo njengezaba zokumdlwengula. Nakuba owesifazane engenacala uma indoda inemibono esonteke ngalendlela, uyobe uhlakaniphile uma engaqaphela izimo zengqondo ezinjalo.
Ungavumi ukuba ube wedwa kuphela nomuntu wesilisa ongamazi kahle. (Ngisho nalowo omazi kahle, sebenzisa ukuhlakanipha.) Umdlwenguli ongamazi angase eze ekhaya lakho ashaye sengathi ulungisa izinto. Cela ubufakazi balokho. Umdlwenguli enijwayelene naye ngokuvamile wenza ukuba izisulu zibe zodwa ngokusungula uhambo lokuthunywa oluzodinga ukuba adlule ekhaya lakhe noma aqambe amanga athi kuneqembu labantu endaweni enizohlangana kuyo. Ungavumi ukukhohliswa.
Ukuze ugweme izinkinga ezimweni zokuphola, phola neqembu noma kube nomgadi. Mazi kahle umuntu ophola naye, futhi umise imingcele eqinile esilinganisweni sokusondelana ngokomzimba, uma kukhona, ozokuvumela. Qaphela ukuphuza utshwala! Ngeke uyiphaphamele ingozi uma ukucabanga kwakho kungasangulukile. (Qhathanisa nezAga 23:29-35.) Yethemba imizwelo yakho yemvelo. Uma uzizwa ungakhululekile lapho unothile, ungacabangi ukuthi akanazo izinhloso ezimbi. Mshiye.
Abazali ikakhulu bezingane ezeve eshumini nambili kudingeka baxoxe nabantwana babo ngendlela yokuzivikela ekudlwengulweni, bazisho ngokuqondile izimo eziyingozi ngoba iningi labadlwenguli kanye nezisulu zokudlwengulwa abantu abancane.
Thatha Isinyathelo Ngokushesha
Akuzona zonke izimo zokudlwengula ezingabonwa kusengaphambili. Ngokungaqondi, ungazithola uwedwa futhi ubhekene nendoda enamandla ngaphezu kwakho futhi ezimisele ukukuphoqelela ukuba ube nobuhlobo bobulili nayo. Khona-ke yini ozoyenza?
Thatha isinyathelo ngokushesha, futhi ukhumbule umgomo wakho: ukubaleka. Ngokuvamile umdlwenguli uvivinya isisulu sakhe ngaphambi kokuba anqume ukuhlasela, ngakho kubalulekile ukubhuntshisa amacebo akhe ngokushesha ngangokunokwenzeka ngaphambi kokuba athole isibindi esanele sokuthatha isinyathelo. Ochwepheshe bezokudlwengula banikeza izindlela ezimbili zokuthatha isinyathelo: ukwenqaba ngaphandle kokulwa noma ukwenqaba ngokulwa. Ungazama ukwenqaba ngokungalwi, futhi uma lokho kwehluleka, shintshela ekwenqabeni ngokulwa.
Ukwenqaba kokungalwi kungahlanganisa ukubambezela umdlwenguli ngokuthi uxoxe naye noma ushaye sengathi unesifo esithathelwana ngobulili noma umhlanzele umhlaseli wakho. (Qhathanisa neyoku-1 Samuweli 21:12, 13.) “Amacebo aba alinganiselwe kuphela engqondweni yomuntu,” kubhala uGerard Whittemore encwadini yakhe i-Street Wisdom for Women: A Handbook for Urban Survival.
Amacebo angenakho ukulwa—ahlanganisa yonke into ngaphandle kokulwa ngokoqobo nomdlwenguli—adinga ukucabanga okuhlelekile futhi kufanele aklanyelwe ukuphazamisa noma ukwenza umhlaseli ehlise umoya. Uma ukwenqaba kwakho kwenza isisulu sibe nolaka kanye nobudlova ngokwengeziwe, zama enye into. Nokho, ngesikhathi usacabanga ungavumi ukuba uphoqelelwe ukuba uyiswe endaweni eqhele kakhulu kwezinye. Futhi khumbula enye yezindlela eziphumelela kakhulu zokunqaba ngokungasebenzisi ukulwa—ukumemeza.—Qhathanisa noDuteronomi 22:23-27.
Enye indlela iwukusabela ngokungavumi nangamandla. Tshela umhlaseli ngokungagwegwesi ukuthi ngeke uzivumele izifiso zakhe. Esimweni lapho ukudlwengula kwenziwa ophola naye, ungase uzame icebo lokumenza ashaqeke ngokumtshela lokho ukuhlasela okuyikho. Umemeze, “Ukudlwengula lokhu! Ngibiza amaphoyisa!” kungase kwenze lowo ofuna ukukudlwengula acabangisise ngokuzama ukuqhubeka.
Yilwa Nawe
Uma ukukhuluma kungasebenzi, ungesabi ukushintshela ekwenqabeni ngokulwa. Lokho akusho ukuthi uba sengozini kakhulu yokulinyazwa noma yokubulawa, ngoba nokuvuma akuqinisekisi ukuphepha kwakho. Khona-ke, ochwepheshe abaningi bezokudlwengula bayala ukuba ulwe ngokubonakalayo nokudlwengula.
Ukulwa naye kungase kube nzima ngabantu besifazane ngoba kusukela ekuzalweni kwabo baye bakhiwa ukuba babe mnene, bangabi nobudlova, futhi bazithobe ngisho nalapho besongelwa ngamandla. Khona-ke, kudingeka unqume kusengaphambili ukuthi uzokulwa ukuze ungalahlekelwa isikhathi esiyigugu ngokunqikaza phakathi nesikhathi sokuhlasela.
Kudingeka uzizwe uthukuthele ngokuthi othile angakusongela noma akucindezele. Udinga ukuqaphela ukuthi lokhu kuhlasela kucatshangwe kusengaphambili, futhi umdlwenguli uncike ekubeni uvume. Thukuthela, ungesabi. “Ukwesaba kwakho isikhali esinamandla kakhulu somhlaseli,” kwasho umcwaningi uLinda Ledray. Ungakhathazeki ngokuthi usabela ngokweqisa noma ukuthi ungase ubukeke uyisiwula. Njengoba omunye uchwepheshe ekubeka, “kungcono ukuba luhlaza kunokudlwengulwa.” Abesifazane abaye bamelana nabadlwenguli ngokuphumelelayo ngokuvamile bakwenza ngokulwa futhi bazama icebo elingaphezu kwelilodwa, kuhlanganisa ukuluma, ukukhahlela, kanye nokumemeza.
Uma ungakwazi ukuzivikela ekudlwengulweni, gxila ekubeni ukwazi ukumbona umhlaseli wakho kamuva. Uma kungenzeka, ukumklwebha noma ukudabula izingubo zakhe kuyokushiya unegazi kanye nobufakazi bengubo. Kodwa kulelizinga, ungavele nje ungabe usakwazi ukulwa. Kulesosimo, “ungazenyezi ngokuthi ‘wamvumela’ ukuba akudlwengule,” kwasho uRobin Warshaw kwethi I Never Called It Rape. “Akudingeki ukuba ubhekane nokulimala noma ukufa ukuze ‘unikeze ubufakazi’ bokuthi wadlwengulwa.”
[Umbhalo waphansi]
a Azikho izimo ezimbili ezifanayo, futhi asikho iseluleko sokukuvimbela esingenakuhluleka. Ngisho nochwepheshe bezokudlwengula abavumelani ngokuthi isisulu kufanele senqabe kangakanani futhi kanjani phakathi nokuhlaselwa.
[Ibhokisi ekhasini 7]
Incazelo Yomuntu Ongaba Umdlwenguli
□ Uyakuxhaphaza ngokomzwelo ngokukuthuka, angayinaki imibono yakho, noma athukuthele noma acasuke lapho usikisela okuthile.
□ Uzama ukulawula izici zokuphila kwakho, ezinjengokuthi ugqoke kanjani nanokuthi obani abangane bakho. Ufuna ukwenza zonke izinqumo ngesikhathi sokuphola, ezinjengokuthi nizodlelaphi noma nizobuka siphi isithombe sebhayisikobho.
□ Uba nesikhwele ngaphandle kwesizathu.
□ Uyabalulaza bonke abesifazane.
□ Uyadakwa noma “abe mnandi” futhi afune ukuba nawe wenze okufanayo.
□ Ukuphoqelela ukuba nibe nodwa naye noma ukuba nibe nobuhlobo bobulili.
□ Akavumi ukuba uhlanganyele izindleko zokuphola futhi uyacasuka uma usikisela ukukhokha.
□ Unobudlova ngokomzimba ngisho nangezindlela zobuqili, ezinjengokugxavula noma ukusunduza.
□ Uyakwesabisa ngokuhlala eduze kakhulu nawe, ngokukuvimbela indlela, akuthinte lapho uthe angakuthinti, noma akhulume njengokungathi ukwazi kangcono kunalokho ngempela okuyikho.
□ Akakwazi ukusingatha ukukhungatheka ngaphandle kokucasuka.
□ Akakubheki njengomuntu olingana naye.
□ Uyazithanda izikhali futhi uyathanda ukuba nonya ezilwaneni, ezinganeni, noma kubantu abehlulayo.
Kuthathwe kwethi I Never Called It Rape, kaRobin Warshaw.
[Isithombe ekhasini 7]
Abesifazane abaye bamelana ngokuphumelelayo nabadlwenguli ngokuvamile bakwenza lokhu ngokulwa futhi bazama icebo elingaphezu kwelilodwa