Pamene Ndewu Ibuka m’Banja

“Ndewu za anthu—kaya zikhale kumenya pama kapena kukankha, kukhapana ndi mipeni kapena kuwomberana mfuti—zimachitika mwakaŵirikaŵiri kwambiri mkati mwabanja koposa kwina kulikonse m’chitaganya chathu.”—Behind Closed Doors.

TAYENDANI m’khwalala lirilonse mu Amereka. M’banja lachiŵiri lirilonse, mtundu wakutiwakuti wa ndewu m’banja idzabuka pafupifupi kamodzi chaka chino. Ndipo 1 mwamabanja 4, idzachitika mobwerezabwereza. Kwenikweni, ambiri amene akuwopa kuyenda m’makwalala usiku ali pangozi yokulirapo panyumba.

Komatu ndewu m’banja siziri vuto la ku Amereka kokha. Zimachitika padziko lonse lapansi. Mwachitsanzo, m’Denmark kupha mwambanda 2 mwa 3 kulikonse kumachitikira m’banja. Kufufuza mu Afirika kumasonyeza kuti mwa kupha mwambanda konse kochitidwa m’banja kumasiyanasiyana kuyambira pa 22 kufikira 63 peresenti, zikumadalira pa dziko. Ndipo mu Latin America anthu ambiri, makamaka akazi, amaluluzidwa, kumenyedwa, kapena kuphedwa ndi amuna ankhalwe.

M’Canada akazi pafupifupi zana limodzi chaka chirichonse amaphedwa ndi amuna awo kapena otolana nawo muukwati. Mu United States, mmene muli chiŵerengero cha anthu choŵirikiza pafupifupi nthaŵi khumi kuposa cha Canada, chaka chirichonse akazi 4,000 amaphedwa ndi amuna awo ankhanza kapena mabwenzi awo achimuna. Ndiponso, chaka chirichonse ana 2,000 amaphedwa ndi makolo awo, ndipo chiŵerengero chofananacho cha makolo chimaphedwa ndi ana awo.

Chotero, kuzungulira padziko lonse, amuna amamenya akazi, akazi amakung’untha amuna, makolo amamenya ana, ana amaukira makolo, ndipo ana okhaokha amachita ndewu. “Mkwiyo ndi ndewu zochulukitsitsa zimene achikulire amakumana nazo m’miyoyo yawo zimachokera kapena kuchitikira pakati pa achibale apafupi,” likutero bukhulo When Families Fight, “ndipo mkwiyo umenewo ngwaukulu kwambiri koposa wochitika muunansi wina uliwonse.”

Banja Limenyana Nkhondo

Kuchitira nkhanza mnzawo wamuukwati: Kaŵirikaŵiri kwambiri, amuna amalingalira chikalata chaukwati monga chilolezo cha kumenya akazi awo. Pamene kuli kwakuti akazi amakung’unthadi amuna, chivulazocho kaŵirikaŵiri sichimakhala chachikulu mofanana ndi chochitidwa ndi amuna pamene amenya anzawo amuukwati. Magazini a Parents akusimba kuti: “Nkhani zochitiridwa lipoti zoposa 95 peresenti za kuchitira nkhanza [kwakukulu] mnzawo wa muukwati zimaphatikizapo mwamuna akumamenya mkazi.”

Loya wa chigawo cha New York akufotokoza kuti: “Kumenya akazi kukuchitika pamilingo yaikulu kwambiri m’chitaganya cha Amereka. FBI yayerekezera kuti . . . akazi ochuluka kufikira mamiliyoni 6 amamenyedwa chaka chirichonse.” Pamene kuli kwakuti chiŵerengero cha zochitikazo chimasiyana mogwirizana ndi maiko osiyanasiyana, malipoti akusonyeza kuti kumenyedwa kwa akazi ndi amuna kwafikira kukhala mliri wa chaola m’maiko ambiri, ngati asali maiko ochulukitsitsa.

Mu United States, kukuyerekezeredwa kuti “mmodzi mwa akazi 10 alionse adzaukiridwa kwambiri (kutibulidwa, kupondedwa chidali, kumenyedwa kapena zoipirapo) ndi mwamuna wake panthaŵi ina mkati mwa ukwati wake.” Magazini a Family Relations akufotokoza kuti, pamene nkhani zazing’ono ziphatikizidwa, “mmodzi mwa akazi aŵiri mu United States adzamenyedwapo m’banja.”

Kunena zowona, loya wa chigawo cha New York akunena kuti kwatsimikiziridwa kuti “kumenya mkazi kumachititsa zivulazo zokulirapo kwa akazi zofunikiritsa kuti aikidwe m’chipatala koposa kugwiridwa chigololo, kufwambidwa, ndi ngozi zamagalimoto zonse zitaphatikizidwa pamodzi.”

Dr. Lois G. Livezey akuti: “Nkwachiwonekere kuti kuchita ndewu ndi akazi ndi kuchita ndewu m’banja kuli kofala, ndi kuti oukirawo . . . ali anthu wamba. . . . Liri vuto lowopsa pakati pa magulu onse ndi mafuko a anthu.”

Mikholeyo panthaŵi zina imadziimba mlandu chifukwa cha nkhanzayo, zikumachititsa kudzitchipisa. Magazini a Parents akufotokoza kuti: “Mkazi amene alibe chidaliro chaumwini ndi amene amadzitchipisa amadzichititsa kukhala mkhole wa kuchitiridwa nkhanza. . . . Mkazi wochitiridwa nkhanza woteroyo amawopa kulinganiza ndi kuchitapo kanthu modzipindulitsa.”

Ndewu m’maukwati zirinso ndi chiyambukiro chovulaza pa ana. Iwo amaphunzira kuti ndewu ingagwiritsiridwe ntchito kulamulira ena. Azimayi ena amasimbadi kuti ana awo amagwiritsira ntchito chiwopsezo pa iwo, chonga chakuti, “Ndidzauza Atate akumenyeni,” kuti apeze zimene afuna.

Kuchitira ana nkhanza: Chaka chirichonse ana mamiliyoni ambiri amayang’anizana ndi chilango chakuthupi choipitsitsa chimene chingaŵavulaze kwambiri, kuŵapundula, kapena kuŵapha. Kukuyerekezeredwa kuti pachochitika chankhanza chochitiridwa lipoti chimodzi chirichonse, zochitika zokwanira 200 sizimachitiridwa lipoti. “Kwa ana, kaŵirikaŵiri panyumba ndiwo malo owopsa koposa okhala,” likutero bukhulo Sociology of Marriage and the Family.

Profesa wa pa yunivesite John E. Bates akunena kuti nkhanza ndiyo chisonkhezero chapanyumba champhamvu kopambana choyambukira mmene mwana amadzadzisungira pambuyo pake m’moyo. Dr. Susan Forward akuti: “Ndapeza kuti palibe chochitika china cha m’moyo chimene chimaipitsa kwambiri ulemu waumwini kapena kuwapangitsa kukhala ofulumira kukhala ndi mavuto okulira amalingaliro atakula.” Zizindikiro za nkhalwe m’mikhalidwe yovuta zingawonedwe ngakhale mwa ana azaka zinayi kapena zisanu za kubadwa. Pamene akukula, ana oterowo amakhala ndi mlingo waukulu kwambiri wa kugwiritsira ntchito molakwa anamgoneka, kugwiritsira ntchito molakwa zoledzeretsa, mkhalidwe waupandu, kusokonezeka maganizo, ndi kupinimbira.

Moyenerera, ana ambiri ochitiridwa moipa amakwiyira kholo lowachitira nkhanza, koma kaŵirikaŵiri amakwiyiranso kholo losawachitira nkhanza chifukwa cha kulola chiwawacho kupitirizabe. M’maganizo mwa mwanayo, lowona zochitika losalankhula chirichonselo lingalingaliridwe kukhala logwirizana nazo.

Kuchitira nkhanza okalamba: Chiŵerengero choyerekezeredwa kukhala 15 peresenti ya okalamba a ku Canada amachitiridwa nkhanza mwakuthupi ndi mwamaganizo ndi ana awo achikulire. Dokotala wina akuneneratu kuti “mkhalidwewo ungaipirepo kokha pamene unyinji ukukalamba, ndipo mitolo yazachuma ndi yamalingaliro pa ana awo ikuwonjezereka.” Pali nkhaŵa zofananazo kuzungulira dziko lonse.

Kaŵirikaŵiritu, okalamba amanyalanyaza kuchitira lipoti kuchitiridwa nkhanzako. Iwo angakhale odalira pa wowachitira nkhanzayo ndipo chotero amasankha kupitirizabe kukhala m’mikhalidwe yoluluzikayo. “Nthaŵi yotsatira” ndilo yankho limene mkazi wina wokalamba anapereka pamene anafunsidwa kuti ndiliti pamene adzapereka mwana wake wamwamuna ndi mpongozi wake kwa olamulira. Iwo anali atammenya kwambiri kotero kuti anaikidwa m’chipatala kwamwezi umodzi.

Kuchitirana nkhanza kwa ana: Kumeneku ndiko mtundu wofala wa ndewu m’banja. Ena amaichepsa, akumati, “Ndimo mmene anyamata aliri.” Komabe, loposa theka la ana apachibale m’kufufuza kwina anachita zinthu zimene zikanakhala zowopsa kwambiri zofunikiritsa kuzengedwa mlandu ngati michitidweyo ikanachitidwira winawake kunja kwa banjalo.

Ambiri amalingalira kuti kuchitirana nkhanza kwa ana apaubale kumaphunzitsa chitsanzo chimene chimapitirizabe kufikira kuuchikulire. Mwa ena chingakhale chochititsa chachikulu koposa cha kuchitirana nkhanza muukwati koposa kukhala kwawo atawona ndewu pakati pa makolo awo.

Bwalo Lankhondo Lowopsa

Wofufuza milandu panthaŵi ina anayerekezera kuti apolisi anaitanidwa kukathetsa ndewu m’banja mwakaŵirikaŵiri kwambiri koposa zochitika zaupandu zina zonse zitaphatikizidwa pamodzi. Iye ananenanso kuti apolisi owonjezereka anaphedwa polabadira ziitano za kukathandiza mavuto abanja koposa poyankha mtundu wina uliwonse wa kuitanidwa. “Kwakukulukulu ponena za uchifwamba umadziŵa zoti ukonzekerere,” anatero wapolisi wina. “Koma kuloŵa m’nyumba ya munthu wina . . . Sumadziŵa zomwe zidzakuchitikira.”

Pambuyo pa kupenda kwakukulu ndewu m’banja, kagulu kena kofufuza mu Amereka kanagamula kuti, kusiyapo ankhondo m’nthaŵi yankhondo, banja ndilo kagulu ka anthu kandewu kwambiri koposa onse.

Kodi chimachititsa ndewu m’banja nchiyani? Kodi zidzatha konse? Kodi zikulungamitsidwa konse? Nkhani yotsatira idzapenda mafunso amenewa.

Kodi Chimachititsa Ndewu m’Banja Nchiyani?

“Mmalo mwa kukhala pothaŵirapo ku zitsenderezo, zipsinjo, ndi kusalingalira kwa anthu a kunjako, kaŵirikaŵiri banja limawonekera kukhala likubweretsa kapena ngakhale kukulitsa zitsenderezozi.”—The Intimate Environment—Exploring Marriage and the Family.

KUFUFUZA pankhani ya ndewu m’banja kuli kwakukulukulu kuyesayesa kwatsopano. Mafufuzidwe okulira achitidwa kokha mkati mwa zaka makumi aposachedwapa. Zotulukapo za mafufuzidwewo mwina zingakhale zosagwirizana nthaŵi zonse, koma mfundo zazikulu zosonkhezera ndewu m’banja zatulukiridwa. Tiyeni tilingalire zina za zimenezi.

Kodi Ndimbali Yotani Imene Chiyambi cha Banja Chiri Nayo?

Ofufuza angapo anati ponena za zimene anapeza: “Pamene okwatirana amene tinafunsa anali andewu kwambiri, ndipamenenso ana awo anali andewu kwa wina ndi mnzake, ndi kwa makolo awo.”

Kungopenyerera ndewu m’banja kuli ndi chiyambukiro chachikulu pa wachichepere. “Mwana wopenyerera amake akumenyedwa ndiwofanana ndi mwana amene akumenyedwa,” anatero dokotalayo John Bradshaw. Wachichepere wina wotchedwa Ed anada kuwona atate wake akumamenya amake. Komabe, ngakhale kuti angakhale anali wosakuzindikira, iye anali kuphunzitsidwa kukhulupirira kuti amuna ayenera kulamulira akazi ndi kuti kuti atero, amuna ayenera kuwawopseza, kuwavulaza, ndi kuwaluluza. Atakula, Ed anagwiritsira ntchito njira zankhanza, zachiwawa zimenezi pa mkazi wake.

Makolo ena mwaluntha amaletsa ana awo kuwonerera ndewu pawailesi yakanema, ndipo chimenecho nchinthu chabwino. Komatu makolo ayenera kukhala ochenjerera kwambiri ponena za kusamalira mkhalidwe wa iwo eni monga chitsanzo choti chitsanziridwe ndi ana awo okhoza kutsanzira mosavutawo.

Kodi Chipsinjo Chiri ndi Mbali Yotani?

Kukhala ndi pakati, ulova, imfa ya kholo, kusamuka, kudwala, ndi mavuto andalama zimabweretsa chipsinjo, monga momwe zinthu zina zimachitira. Anthu ambiri amagonjetsa chipsinjo popanda kukhala andewu. Komabe, kwa ena, chipsinjo chingakhale kalambule bwalo wa ndewu, makamaka chitagwirizanitsidwa ndi mfundo zina. Mwachitsanzo, kusamalira kholo lokalamba—makamaka pamene khololo liri lodwala—kaŵirikaŵiri kwachititsa kuchita nkhanza pamene wopereka chisamaliroyo ali wothodwa ndi mathayo ena abanja.

Kulera ana kumachititsa chipsinjo. Monga chotulukapo, kuthekera kwa kuchitira nkhanza ana kungawonjezekere limodzi ndi ukulu wa banjalo. Anawo angawonjezerenso kuchitira nkhanza anzawo amuukwati, pakuti “kuli kukanganirana ana kumene mothekera kwambiri kumayambitsa kumenyana kwa okwatirana,” likusimba motero bukhulo Behind Closed Doors.

Lingaliro Lolakwa la Kukhala Mwamuna Kapena Mkazi

Dan Bajorek, amene amatsogolera kagulu kopereka uphungu m’Canada, akunena kuti amuna ankhanza ali ndi lingaliro lolakwika la akazi: “Chirichonse chimene chingakhale chitaganya kumene amachokera, iwo aleredwa ali ndi chikhulupiriro chakuti amuna ndiwo apamwamba.” Hamish Sinclair, yemwe akutsogolera programu yochiritsa amuna ankhanza, akunena kuti amuna anaphunzitsidwa kukhulupirira kuti iwo ali apamwamba koposa akazi ndi kuti ali ndi kuyenera kwa “kulanga akazi, kuwaphunzitsa kapena kuwawopseza.”

M’maiko ambiri mwamuna amalingaliridwa kukhala ali ndi kuyenera kwa kuchitira mkazi wake mofanana ndi kanthu wamba, monga kamodzi ka zinthu zake. Mphamvu zake ndi kulamulira kwake mkazi wake zimalingaliridwa monga mlingo wa kukhala mwamuna ndi ulemu wake. Kaŵirikaŵiri akazi amakung’unthidwa kwadzawoneni ndi kuchitiridwa nkhanza mwanjira ina, ndipo malamulo amachita zochepa kwambiri ndi mkhalidwewo chifukwa chakuti ndiwo mwambo m’maiko oterowo. Mwamuna ngwapamwamba, ndipo mkazi ngwotsika; mkaziyo ayenera kugonjera mwamunayo kotheratu mosasamala kanthu za kukhala kwake wosalemekezeka, wachiwawa, woluluzika, kapena wadyera.

Mtola nkhani wa wailesi yakanema wa CBS Morley Safer anasimba za dziko lina la ku South America loterolo kuti: “Palibe kulikonse m’Latin America kumene mwambo wa kudzikweza kwa amuna uli wowonekera kwambiri . . . Ukuyambukira chitaganya chonsecho, kuphatikizapo m’mabwalo amilandu kumene potetezera ulemu wa iyemwini mwamuna angachite chirichonse popanda kuwopa kulangidwa, makamaka ngati mkholeyo ali mkazi wake.” Iye anatsimikiza kuti “palibe malo padziko lapansi amene amaluluza akazi” mofanana ndi dziko limenelo. Koma kulamulira kwa amuna ndi kululuzidwa kwa akazi nkofala. Sikuli kolekezera kudziko limodzi lokha, mulimonse mmene kungakhalire kwakukulu kumeneko.

Minna Schulman, mtsogoleri wa gulu losamalira ndewu m’banja ndi gulu lotsimikizira kugwira ntchito kwa lamulo m’New York, anafotokoza kuti ndewu ndicho chipangizo chimene amuna amagwiritsira ntchito kulamulira ndi kusonyezera mphamvu ndi ulamuliro pa akazi. Iye anawonjezera kuti: “Tikuwona ndewu m’banja kukhala kugwiritsira ntchito molakwa mphamvu ndi ulamuliro.”

Ena omenya akazi amavutika ndi kudzitchipisa, chikhoterero chimodzimodzicho chimene amakhomereza mwa mikhole yawo. Ngati angachite zimenezo, pamenepo kudzitamandira kwawo kudzakhala kutakwaniritsidwa, ndipo adzadziwona kukhala ali ndi mlingo wakutiwakuti wa kukwezeka ndi kulamulira munthu wina. Iwo amalingalira kuti amatsimikizira kukhala kwawo amuna mwanjira imeneyi. Komabe kodi amatero? Popeza kuti amachita ndewuyo ndi akazi ofoka mwakuthupi, kodi zimatsimikizira kuti alidi amuna anyonga, kapena, mmalo mwake, kodi zimatsimikizira kuti iwo ali osalingalira? Kodi ndiyodi nyonga kuti mwamuna wamphamvupo adzimenya mkazi wofoka, wopanda chitetezo kwambiriyo? Mwamuna wokhala ndi makhalidwe amphamvu adzasonyeza kulingalira ndi chifundo kwa ofoka ndi opanda chitetezo, osawadyera masuku pamutu.

Chisonyezero china cha kulingalira kopanda pake kwa wankhanzayo ndicho chenicheni chakuti iye kaŵirikaŵiri amaimba mlandu mkazi wake kuti amamsonkhezera kumenyako. Iye angapereke lingaliro, kapena ngakhale kuuza mkaziyo, zinthu zonga zakuti: ‘Sunachite bwino izi. Ndicho chifukwa chake ndikukumenya.’ Kapena ‘Chakudya chinachedwa, chotero ukulandira zokuyenerera.’ M’malingaliro a wankhanzayo, mkaziyo akudzimenyetsa. Komabe, palibe zolephera za winayo zimene zimalungamitsa kuchitira nkhalwe.

Kodi Zoledzeretsa Zimapanga Kusiyanako?

Popeza kuti zoledzeretsa zimachepetsa kulamulira ndipo zimakulitsa kuthekera kwa kuchita mwansontho, sikuli kodabwitsa kuti ena amalingalira kuti zingayambitse kuchita nkhanza. Kaŵirikaŵiri munthu amakhala wokhoza kulamulira malingaliro andewu pamene ali wosaledzera, koma atamwa kangapo, iye amafikira kukhala wankhanza. Zoledzeretsa zagodomalitsa malingaliro ake ndi kuchepetsa kukhoza kwake kwa kulamulira maganizo ake.

Komabe, ena, amanena kuti vutolo lazikidwa mowonjezereka pa kupsinjika maganizo koposa pa zoledzeretsa zenizenizo. Amanena kuti munthu amene amamwa zoledzeretsa kuti alimbane ndi chipsinjo chamaganizo ngwofanana kwambiri ndi munthu amene amachita ndewu kaamba ka chifuno chimenecho. Zimenezi zikutanthauza kuti wakumwayo angakhale wankhanza pamene ali wosaledzera mofanana ndi pamene ali woledzera. Komabe, chirichonse chimene chiri chifukwa cha kutero, ndithudi zoledzeretsa sizimathandizira kulamulira maganizo a munthuwe koma izo kaŵirikaŵiri zidzachita mosiyana.

Mmene Zoulutsira Mawu Zimasonkhezerera Zochita

Ena amanena kuti, wailesi yakanema, limodzi ndi kanema, zimalimbikitsa mkhalidwe wankhalwe kwa amuna ndi kuphunzitsa kuti chiwawa ndicho njira yalamulo yothetsera mikangano ndi mkwiyo. “Ndinadabwa kwambiri ndi mmene ndinachitira nditawona kanema wa Rambo,” akuvomereza motero phungu wina wabanja. “Pamene malingaliro anga [amkati] auchikulire akuipidwa ndi kupha kosakaza kwa Rambo, [amkati] achibwana akumlimbikitsa kupitirizabe.”

Popeza kuti ana ambiri amawonerera wailesi yakanema kwamaola zikwi zambiri limodzi ndi machitachita osaŵerengeka achiwawa, kugwirira chigololo, ndi kululuza anthu ena, makamaka akazi, sikuli kodabwitsa kuti ambiri amakula ali kuchita mogwirizana ndi zikhoterero zosafunika zenizenizo pa ena. Saali ana okha amene ayambukiridwa koma achikulire nawonso atero.

Ndiponso, makamaka m’zaka zaposachedwapa, mlingo wa chiwawa chenicheni, chisembwere, ndi kululuza akazi monga momwe kwasonyezedwera pawailesi yakanema, muakanema wawonjezereka kwambiri. Zimenezi sizingachitire mwina kusiyapo kuipitsa zochitika za ndewu m’banja. Monga momwe kagulu kofufuza kena kanapezera, pali “mgwirizano . . . wachiwonekere pakati pa kuwonerera chiwawa ndi mkhalidwe wankhalwe.”

Chiyambukiro cha Kudzilekanitsa

Moyo ngwopanda tanthauzo ndi wonyong’onya kwa ambiri lerolino. Masitolo odzitengera wekha zinthu ndi masitolo otchipitsa zinthu a holo selo alowa mmalo masitolo aang’ono aubwenzi a m’chitaganya. Kumangidwa kwa nyumba zazikulu ndi zatsopano mumzinda, mavuto a zachuma, ndi ulova zimakakamiza mabanja kukhala osintha mwamsanga. Mlingo waukulu wa ndewu m’banja ukupezeka pakati pa osagwirizana mwamphamvu m’makhalidwe.

James C. Coleman, m’bukhu lake lakuti Intimate Relationships, Marriage, and the Family, akufotokoza chifukwa chimene iye amalingalilira kuti zimenezi ziri choncho. Iye akulingalira kuti kukhala wonyong’onyeka kumachepetsa makambitsirano atanthauzo ndi kukupangitsa kukhala kovuta kwa wankhanzayo kuwona mkhalidwe wake motsimikizira ndi kufunafuna chithandizo kwa bwenzi lodalirika. Kusakhala ndi mabwenzi ndi achibale apafupi amene angachite ngati mphamvu yoletsa kumakhozetsa munthuyo kuchita mkhalidwe wake wadyera mosavuta kwambiri, popeza kuti malingaliro ake olakwika sakutsutsidwa tsiku ndi tsiku ndi ena apafupi naye. Kuli monga momwe Miyambo 18:1 imanenera kuti: “Wopanduka afunafuna chifuniro chake, nakangana ndi nzeru yonse yeniyeni.”

Chithandizo ku Banja Landewu

Takambitsirana mbali yochepa ya zifukwa zonenedwa kuti zimapangitsa ndewu m’banja. Pali zina. Pokhala titadziŵa zina za zochititsa, tsopano tifunikira kupenda njira zothetsera. Ngati munthuwe uli m’banja landewu, kodi mkhalidwe wankhanza ungathetsedwe motani? Kodi lingaliro la Baibulo nlotani? Kodi ndewu m’banja zidzatha konse? Nkhani ya patsamba 10 idzalongosola mafunso ameneŵa.

[Bokosi/Chithunzi patsamba 9]

Ndewu Zamalingaliro Kukantha Zolimba ndi Mawu

M’NKHANZA zakuthupi chiukirocho chimaphatikizapo nkhonya; nkhanza zamalingaliro kuukirako kuli kwamawu. Chosiyana chokha ndicho mtundu wa chida. Kuli monga momwe Miyambo 12:18 amanenera kuti: “Alipo wonena mwansontho ngati kupyoza kwa lupanga. Koma lilime la anzeru lilamitsa.”

Kodi ndewu yamalingaliro njowopsa motani, kuphatikizapo “kupyoza kwa lupanga” kumeneku? Dr. Susan Forward akulemba kuti: Mwamaganizo “zotulukapo nzofanana [ndi kumenya kwenikweniko]. Umawopsezedwa mofananamo, umamva kukhala wosatetezereka mofananamo, ndipo umapwetekedwa kwambiri mofananamo.”

Ndewu yamalingaliro kwa mnzawo wamuukwati: “Ndewu ya muukwati siiri yakuthupi chabe. Mbali yaikulu, mwinamwake ngakhale yaikulu koposa, njamawu ndi yamalingaliro,” unatero mkhole wina wa nthaŵi yaitali. Nkhanzazo zingaphatikizepo kutukwana, kulalata, kusuliza kosalekeza, kunyazitsana, ndi ziwopsezo za kumenya kwenikweniko.

Mawu osinjirira amene amaluluza, kuchepetsa, kapena kuwopseza angakhale ndi chivulazo chowopsa. Mofanana ndi madzi odonthera pathanthwe, kubwatikana koluluza kungawonekere kukhala kosavulaza poyamba. Koma ulemu waumwini mwamsanga umatha. “Ngati ndinafunikira kuti ndisankhe pakati pa kumenyedwa ndi kutukwanidwa, panthaŵi iriyonse ndikanasankha kumenyedwa,” anatero mkazi wina. “Ungawone zipsera,” iye anafotokoza motero, “chotero anthu amakumvera chifundo. Ponena za kutukwanidwa, kumakukwiyitsa kwadzawoneni. Mabalawo ngosawoneka. Palibe aliyense amene amasamala.”

Kumenya mwana mwamalingaliro: Zimenezi zingaphatikizepo kusuliza ndi kululuza kosalekeza mawonekedwe a mwanayo, kupanda nzeru, kusakhoza, kapena uchabechabe wa mwanayo monga munthu. Kutonyola kuli kovulaza mwapadera. Ana kaŵirikaŵiri amawona mawu otonyola monga momwe aliri, popanda kusiyanitsa pakati pa zimene zikunenedwa mowona mtima ndi zimene zikunenedwa “mongoseka.” Sing’anga wabanja Sean Hogan-Downey akuti: “Mwanayo amakwiyitsidwa, koma aliyense akuseka, chotero iye amaphunzira kusadalira malingaliro ake.”

Chotero, m’zochitika zambiri, nzowona zimene wolemba mbiri yakale ndi ndakatulo wa ku Scotland Thomas Carlyle adanena panthaŵi ina kuti: “Tsopano ndawona kuti, kaŵirikaŵiri kutonyola ndiko chinenero cha Mdyerekezi; ndicho chifukwa chake ine, ndinalekeratu kalekale.”

Joy Byers, katswiri wodziŵa za kuchitiridwa nkhanza kwa ana, akuti: “Kuchita nkhanza mwakuthupi kungaphe mwana, koma mungaphenso chifuno chake, ndipo zimenezo ndizo zimene chitsanzo cha mawu osakondweretsa a kholo chingachite.” Magazini a FLEducator akupereka ndemanga zakuti: “Mosafanana ndi chilonda chimene chingawonedwe ndi kupola, nkhanza zamalingaliro zimapangitsa masinthidwe osawoneka m’maganizo mwa mwana ndi umunthu zimene zimapanga masinthidwe achikhalire umunthu wake ndi kuyanjana kwake ndi ena.”

[Chithunzi patsamba 7]

Kuwonerera chiwawa kuli ndi chiyambukiro champhamvu pamkhalidwe wamtsogolo wa mwana

Mapeto a Ndewu m’Banja

“Kupewa ndewu muukwati ndi kuchepetsa ndewu m’banja kumaphatikizapo masinthidwe aakulu amachitidwe kwa onse aŵiri chitaganya ndi banja.”—Behind Closed Doors.

KUPHA mwambanda koyamba m’mbiri ya anthu kunaphatikizapo anthu apachibale. (Genesis 4:8) Mkati mwa zaka zikwi zambiri chiyambire panthaŵiyo, munthu wakanthidwa ndi mitundu yonse ya ndewu m’banja. Njira zambirimbiri zothetsera zaperekedwa, koma zambiri ziri ndi zolepheretsa.

Mwachitsanzo, kukonzedwa kumathekera kokha oukira amene amavomereza vuto lawo. Wochitira nkhanza mkazi wina amene anali kuleka anadandaula kuti: “Mwa aliyense wa ife [okonzedwawo], pali amuna atatu kunjako amene amati, ‘Ufunikira kudziŵa kulamulira mkazi.’” Chotero wochita nkhanzayo afunikira kulamulira mkhalidwe wa iyemwini. Kodi iye wasandukiranji wankhanza? Mwa kupeza chithandizo kuti awongolere zolakwa za iyemwini, iye potsirizira angagonjetse vutolo.

Koma magulu othandiza zamakhalidwe a anthu ali ndi antchito ochepa. Chotero, kukuyerekezeredwa kuti pa 90 peresenti ya milandu ya kupha ana mwambanda mu United States, mikhalidwe yowopsa ya m’banja inali itachitiridwa lipoti kuphako kusanachitike. Chotero magulu othandiza zamakhalidwe a anthu ndi magulu a polisi angachite zochepa chabe. Palinso kanthu kena kofunika kwambiri.

“Munthu Watsopano”

“Chofunika kwambiri ndicho kulinganizanso maunansi a pakati pa ziwalo zabanja,” kakutero kagulu kena ka ofufuza. Ndewu za m’Banja siziri kokha vuto la nkhonya; ziri kwakukulukulu vuto lamaganizo. Zimachokera m’njira imene ziŵalo zabanja—okwatirana, mwana, kholo, mbale—amawonerana. Kulinganizanso maunansiwa kumatanthauza kuvala chimene Baibulo limachitcha “munthu watsopano.”—Aefeso 4:22-24; Akolose 3:8-10.

Tiyeni tipende malamulo ena amakhalidwe abwino Abaibulo okhudza banja amene amatithandiza kuvala umunthu watsopano wonga wa Kristu umene ungathandizire kukukhala ndi unansi wabwinopo pakati pa ziŵalo zabanja.—Wonani Mateyu 11:28-30.

Lingaliro la ana: Zambiri zimaphatikizidwa m’kukhala kholo koposa kubala mwana. Komabe, mwachisoni, ambiri lerolino amalingalira ana awo monga mtolo ndipo chotero samadzipereka ku thayo lawo laukholo. Ameneŵa ndiwo ankhanza othekera.

Baibulo limatcha ana “cholandira cha kwa Yehova” ndi “mphotho.” (Salmo 127:3) Makolo ali ndi thayo kwa Mlengi la kusamalira cholandira chimenecho. Awo amene amalingalira ana kukhala chidodometso afunikira kukulitsa umunthu watsopano pankhani imeneyi.a

Ziyembekezo zenizeni za ana: Mafufuzidwe ena anavumbula kuti anakubala ankhanza ambiri amayembekezera makanda kudziŵa zabwino ndi zolakwa podzafika nthaŵi imene mwanayo afikitsa usinkhu wachaka chimodzi. Mbali imodzi ya zitatu ya awo ofunsidwa anatchula miyezi isanu ndi umodzi.

Baibulo limasonyeza kuti munthu aliyense amabadwa ali wopanda ungwiro. (Salmo 51:5; Aroma 5:12) Silimanena kuti luntha limapezedwa pobadwa. Mmalo mwake, limanena kuti “mwa kuchita nazo” mphamvu za kulingalira za munthu ‘zinazoloweretsa kusiyanitsa chabwino ndi choipa.’ (Ahebri 5:14) Ndiponso, Baibulo limalankhula za “zachibwana,” “utsiru” wa paunyamata, ndi za “chabe” za paunyamata. (1 Akorinto 13:11; Miyambo 22:15; Mlaliki 11:10) Makolo ayenera kuzindikira zopereŵera zimenezi, osamayembekezera zoposa zoyenera pausinkhu ndi kukhoza kwa mwana.

Kulanga ana: M’Baibulo liwu Lachigiriki lotembenuzidwa “langa” limatanthauza “phunzitsa.” Chotero, cholinga cha chilango kwakukulukulu, sindicho kuchititsa kupweteka, koma kuphunzitsa. Mbali yaikulu ya chimenechi ingachitidwe popanda kupamantha, ngakhale kuti kutero panthaŵi zina kungakhale koyenera. (Miyambo 13:24) Baibulo limati: “Imvani mwambo, mukhale anzeru.” (Miyambo 8:33) Ndiponso, Paulo analemba kuti munthu ayenera kukhala ‘wodziletsa pachoipa,’ akumapereka chidzudzulo “ndi kuleza mtima konse.” (2 Timothy 2:24, NW; 4:2) Zimenezi sizimaloleza kulankhula mwaukali ndi kuchita mwankhanza ngakhale pamene kukwapula kuli kofunikira.

Polingalira za malamulo amakhalidwe abwino Abaibulo amenewa, dzifunseni kuti: ‘Kodi kulanga kwanga kumaphunzitsa, kapena kodi kumangolamulira kokha mwa kuvulaza? Kodi kulanga kwanga kumakhomereza malamulo amakhalidwe abwino kapena mantha okha?’

Makhalidwe okhala ndi polekezera a achikulire: Wankhanza wina ananena kuti anali kokha “atalephera kudzibweza” namenya mkazi wake. Phungu anafunsa mwamunayo ngati anabayapo mkazi wake ndi mpeni. “Sindingachite konse zimenezo!” anayankha motero mwamunayo. Mwamunayo anathandizidwa kuwona kuti iye anali kuchita mkati mwa malire oikidwa, koma vutolo linali lakuti sanali malire oyenera.

Kodi malire anu aikidwa pati? Kodi mumaleka kukanganako kusanatulukire m’kuchita nkhanza? Kapena kodi mumalephera kudziletsa ndi kuyamba kukalipa, kutukwana, kukankhana, kuponyerana zinthu, kapena kuting’inda?

Umunthu watsopano uli ndi malire enieni, amene samalola konse kuchitirana nkhanza mwamalingaliro kapena ndewu yeniyeni. “Nkhani yonse yovunda isatuluke m’kamwa mwanu,” akutero Aefeso 4:29. Ndime 31 ikuwonjezera kuti: “Chiwawo chonse, ndi kupsya mtima, ndi mkwiyo, ndi chiwawa, ndi mwano zichotsedwe kwa inu, ndiponso choipa chonse.” Liwu Lachigiriki la “mkwiyo” limasonya ku “mkhalidwe wansontho.” Mokondweretsa, bukhulo Toxic Parents limanena kuti mkhalidwe wofala pakati pa ochitira ana nkhanza ndiwo “kulephera kwakukulu kwa kulamulira mkhalidwe wansontho.” Umunthu watsopano umalamulira kuchita nsontho, ponse paŵiri mwakuthupi ndi mwamawu.

Ndithudi, umunthu watsopano umagwira ntchito kwa mkazi ndi kwa mwamuna yemwe. Mkazi ayenera kusamala kuti asakwiyitse mwamuna wake, akumasonyeza chiyamikiro pazoyesayesa zake za kusamalira banja, kugwirizana naye. Ndipo onse aŵiri sayenera kufunsirana chimene palibe aliyense wa iwo angapereke—ungwiro. Mmalo mwake, onse aŵiri ayenera kugwiritsira ntchito 1 Petro 4:8 kuti: “Koposa zonse mukhale nacho chikondano chenicheni mwa inu nokha; pakuti chikondano chikwiriritsa unyinji wa machimo.”

Kulemekeza okalamba: “Sonyezani ulemu kwa anthu achikulire ndi kuwalemekeza,” pamatero pa Levitiko 19:32. (Today’s English Version) Chimenechi chingakhale chitokoso pamene kholo lokalambalo liri lodwala ndipo mwinamwake liri lofunsira zochulukitsitsa. Timoteo Woyamba 5:3, 4 amalankhula za kuchitira “ulemu” ndi “kubwezera” makolo. Zimenezi zingaphatikizepo chithandizo chandalama limodzi ndi ulemu. Chifukwa cha zonse zimene makolo athu anatichitira pamene tinali makanda osatetezereka, tiyenera kuwasonyeza kulingalira kofananako pamene kukufunika.

Gonjetsanji kukangana kwa ana: Mkwiyo wa Kaini usanatsogolere kukupha kwake mwambanda mbale wakeyo Abele, iye anapatsidwa uphungu wakuti: “Uchimo ukukwaŵira pakhomo lako. Ukufuna kukulamulira, koma uyenera kuugonjetsa.” (Genesis 4:7, TEV) Malingaliro angathe kulamuliridwa. Phunzirani kukhala woleza mtima kwa wina ndi mnzake, “mukumalekererana mwaufulu chifukwa chakuti mumakondana.”—Aefeso 4:2, Phillips.

Kuphunzira Kudalira Ena

Mikhole yambiri ya ndewu m’banja imavutika mwakachetechete. Koma Dr. John Wright akulimbikitsa kuti: “Akazi otidzimulidwa ayenera kufunafuna chitetezo chamalingaliro ndi chakuthupi kwa munthu wina wokhoza.” Chimodzimodzinso ndi chiŵalo chabanja china chirichonse chochitiridwa nkhanza.

Panthaŵi zina mkholewo umakupeza kukhala kovuta kudalira munthu wina. Ndiiko komwe, chidaliro mkati mwa kagulu koyandikana kwambiri kaumunthu—banja—chachititsa kuvutika. Komabe, “liripo bwenzi lipambana ndi mbale kuumirira,” imatero Miyambo 18:24. Kupeza bwenzi lotero ndi kuphunzira kuliululira mwanzeru ndilo sitepe lofunika lopezera chithandizo chofunikacho. Ndithudi, wochita nkhanzayo afunikiranso kupeza chithandizo.

Chaka chirichonse zikwi mazana ambiri za anthu amakhala Mboni za Yehova. Ameneŵa amavomereza chitokoso cha kuvala umunthu watsopano. Pakati pawo pali omwe kale anachirikiza ndewu m’banja. Kuti alimbane ndi chikhoterero chirichonse cha kuyambiranso, iwo mosalekeza ayenera kulola Baibulo kukhala ‘lopindulitsa pa chiphunzitso, chitsutsano, chikonzero.’—2 Timoteo 3:16.

Kwa Mboni zatsopano zimenezi, kuvala umunthu watsopano ndiko mchitidwe wopitirizabe, pakuti Akolose 3:10 imanena kuti “ali kukonzeka watsopano.” Chotero zoyesayesa zosalekeza zikufunika. Moyamikira, Mboni za Yehova ziri ndi chichirikizo cha khamu la “abale, ndi alongo, ndi amai, ndi ana” auzimu.—Marko 10:29, 30; wonaninso Ahebri 10:24, 25.

Ndiyenonso, pafupifupi m’mipingo yonse 70,000 ya Mboni za Yehova kuzungulira padziko lonse, muli oyang’anira achikondi amene ali ngati “malo otetezera chimphepo ndi malo obisalira kumikuntho.” ‘Maso ndi makutu awo adzatsegukira zosoŵa za anthu.’ (Yesaya 32:2, 3, TEV) Chotero Mboni za Yehova zatsopano, limodzi ndi zachidziŵitso chokulirapo, ziri ndi magwero abwino kwambiri a chithandizo chopezeka mumpingo Wachikristu pamene agwirira ntchito kuvala umunthu watsopano.

Oyang’anira Achifundo

Pamene anthu adza kwa oyang’anira Achikristu mumpingo wa Mboni za Yehova kaamba ka uphungu, oyang’anira amenewa amaphunzitsidwa kumvetsera mopanda tsankhu kwa onse. Iwo amalimbikitsidwa kusonyeza aliyense, makamaka mikhole ya nkhanza yaikulu, chifundo chachikulu ndi kumvetsetsa.—Akolose 3:12; 1 Atesalonika 5:14.

Mwachitsanzo, mkazi womenyedwa angakhale atavulazidwa kowopsa. M’maiko ambiri lerolino, ngati kumenya kotero kunachitidwa pa munthu wina wosakhala wa m’banja, wochita mwankhanzayo akaponyedwa m’ndende. Chotero mkholewo uyenera kuchitiridwa mokoma mtima mwapadera, mofanana ndi mikhole ya mitundu ina yonse ya kuchitiridwa nkhanza, monga ngati kugonedwa.

Ndiponso, ochirikiza maupandu motsutsana ndi malamulo a Mulungu afunikira kuŵerengeredwa mlandu. Mwanjirayi mpingo umasungidwa kukhala woyera, ndipo anthu ena opanda liwongo amatetezeredwa. Ndipo chofunika kwambiri, kuyenda mwataŵataŵa kwa mzimu wa Mulungu sikumadodometsedwa.—1 Akorinto 5:1-7; Agalatiya 5:9.

Lingaliro la Mulungu la Ukwati

Pamene anthu afikira kukhala Mboni za Yehova, amavomereza kutsatira malamulo amakhalidwe abwino a moyo Wachikristu opezeka m’Mawu a Mulungu. Iwo amamva kuti mwamuna amasankhidwa kukhala mutu wa banja, kulitsogolera m’kulambira kowona. (Aefeso 5:22) Koma umutu sumaloleza kuchitira nkhanza mkazi, kululuza umunthu wake, kapena kunyalanyaza zikhumbo zake.

Mmalo mwake, Mawu a Mulungu amamveketsa bwino kuti amuna ayenera “kukonda akazi [awo] , monganso Kristu anakonda Eklesia, nadzipereka yekha m’malo mwake; . . . Koteronso amuna adzikonda akazi awo a iwo okha monga ngati matupi a iwo okha. Wokonda mkazi wa iye yekha, adzikonda yekha; pakuti munthu sanadana nalo thupi lake ndi kale lonse; komatu alilera nalisunga.” (Aefeso 5:25, 28, 29) Ndithudi, Mawu a Mulungu amalankhula mwachimvekere kuti akazi ayenera kupatsidwa “ulemu.”—1 Petro 3:7; wonaninso Aroma 12:3, 10; Afilipi 2:3, 4.

Ndithudi palibe mwamuna Wachikristu amene mowonadi angatsimikize kuti iye amakondadi mkazi wake kapena kumlemekeza ngati amchitira nkhanza mwamawu kapena mwakuthupi. Zimenezo zingakhale chinyengo, pakuti Mawu a Mulungu amafotokoza kuti: “Amuna inu, kondani akazi anu, ndipo musawawire mtima iwo.” (Akolose 3:19) Mwamsanga, pamene chiŵeruzo cha Mulungu chidza motsutsana ndi dongosolo loipali pa Armagedo, onyengawo adzakhala ndi chokumana nacho chofanana ndi cha otsutsa ulamuliro wa Mulungu.—Mateyu 24:51.

Mwamuna wowopa Mulungu adzakonda mkazi wake monga thupi la iyemwini. Kodi iye angamenye thupi la iyemwini, kudziwomba khofu kumaso kwake, kapena kudzikudzula tsitsi mwachiwawa? Kodi angadziluluze mochititsa manyazi ndi motonyola pamaso pa ena? Munthu wochita zinthu zoterozo angalingaliridwe kukhala wozungulira mutu, kunena mosapambanitsa.

Ngati mwamuna Wachikristu amenya mkazi wake, kumapangitsa ntchito zake zina zonse Zachikristu kukhala zosapindulitsa pamaso pa Mulungu. Kumbukirani kuti, “womenya ndewu” samayeneretsedwa kaamba ka mathayo mumpingo Wachikristu. (1 Timoteo 3:3; 1 Akorinto 13:1-3) Ndithudi, mkazi aliyense amene amachitira mwamuna wake mofananamo nayenso akuswa lamulo la Mulungu.

Agalatiya 5:19-21 amaika pakati pa ntchito zathupi zotsutsidwa ndi Mulungu “madano, ndewu, . . . zopsa mtima” ndipo amafotokoza kuti “iwo akuchitachita zotere sadzaloŵa Ufumu wa Mulungu.” Chotero, kumenya mnzanu wamuukwati kapena ana sikuli kolungamitsidwa konse. Kaŵirikaŵiri kuli kotsutsana ndi lamulo la m’dzikolo ndipo ndithudi nkotsutsana ndi lamulo la Mulungu.

Nsanja ya Olonda, magazini ofalitsidwa ndi Mboni za Yehova, apereka malingaliro Amalemba pankhaniyi, akumati ponena za awo odzinenera kukhala Akristu komabe namamenya kuti: ‘Aliyense wodzinenera kukhala Mkristu amene mobwerezabwereza ndi mosalapa amalola mkwiyo wachiwawa angathe kuchotsedwa,’ kusayanjana naye.—May 1, 1975 (Chingelezi), tsamba 287; yerekezerani ndi 2 Yohane 9, 10.

Zimene Lamulo la Mulungu Limalola

Potsirizira pake Mulungu adzaŵeruza awo amene amaswa malamulo ake. Koma pakali pano, kodi ndimakonzedwe otani amene Mawu ake amapereka kwa a muukwati Achikristuwo amene amenyedwa pamene wowachitira nkhalweyo samasintha koma akupitirizabe kuwamenya? Kodi mikhole yopanda liwongo ikukakamizidwa kuika pachiswe thanzi lawo lakuthupi, lamaganizo ndi lauzimu, mwinamwake ngakhale miyoyo yawo?

Nsanja ya Olonda, pothirira ndemanga pa ndewu m’banja, inanena zimene Mawu a Mulungu amalola. Ikufotokoza kuti: “Mtumwi Paulo akupereka uphungu wakuti: ‘Mkazi asasiye mwamuna, komanso ngati amsiya akhale wosakwatiwa, kapena ayanjanitsidwenso ndi mwamunayo, ndipo mwamuna asalekane naye mkazi.’” Nkhaniyo ikupitirizabe kunena kuti: “Koma pamene kuchitiridwa nkhanzako kukufikira kukhala kosapiririka, kapena moyo weniweniwo ukuikidwa pachiswe, wamuukwati wokhulupirirayo angasankhe ‘kuchoka.’ Koma kuyesayesa kuyenera kukhala kwa ‘kuyanjananso’ m’kupita kwanthaŵi. (1 Akorinto 7:10-16) Komabe, ‘kuchokako’ mwa iko kokha sikumapereka maziko Amalemba a chisudzulo ndi kukwatiranso; komabe, chisudzulo chalamulo kapena kulekana kwalamulo kungapereke mlingo wakutiwakuti wa chitetezo kukuchitiridwa nkhanza kowonjezereka.”—March 15, 1983, tsamba 28-9 (Yachingelezi); wonaninso kope Lachingelezi la November 1, 1988, tsamba 22-3.

Zimene mkholewo usankha kuchita m’mikhalidwe imeneyi ziyenera kukhala chosankha chaumwini. “Yense adzasenza katundu wake wa iye mwini.” (Agalatiya 6:5) Palibe aliyense angampangire chosankha choterocho. Ndipo palibe aliyense amene ayenera kuyesa kumsonkhezera kubwerera kwa mwamuna wankhanzayo kumene thanzi lake, moyo, ndi mkhalidwe wauzimu zikuwopsezedwa. Chimenecho chiyenera kukhala chosankha cha iye yekha, chodzifunira, osati chifukwa chakuti ena akuyesa kumkakamiza kuchita zifuno zawo.—Wonani Filemoni 14.

Mapeto a Ndewu m’Banja

Mboni za Yehova zaphunzira kuti ndewu m’banja ziri chisonyezero cha zimene Baibulo lidaneneratu kuchitika m’masiku otsiriza ano, mmene ambiri akakhala “ankhanza,” “opanda chikondi chachibadwidwe,” ndi “owopsa.” (2 Timoteo 3:2, 3, The New English Bible) Mulungu akulonjeza kuti pambuyo pa masiku otsiriza amenewa, iye adzabweretsa dziko latsopano lamtendere mmene anthu “adzakhala osatekeseka, opanda wina wakuwawopsa.”—Ezekieli 34:28.

M’dziko latsopano labwino kwambiri limenelo, ndewu m’banja sizidzakhalako kunthaŵi zonse. “Ofatsa adzalandira dziko lapansi; nadzakondwera nawo mtendere wochuluka.”—Salmo 37:11.

Tikukulimbikitsani kuphunzira zowonjezereka ponena za malonjezo Abaibulo a mtsogolo. Ndithudi, mungapeze mapindu ngakhale tsopano mwa kugwiritsira ntchito malamulo amakhalidwe abwino Abaibulo m’banja lanu.

[Mawu a M’munsi]

[Zithunzi patsamba 10]

Malamulo amakhalidwe abwino Abaibulo amathandiza kuthetsa mikangano ya m’banja

[Chithunzi patsamba 13]

Mikhole ifunikira kudalira bwenzi lachidziŵitso chabwino

[Chithunzi patsamba 13]

Zidakwa zachichepere zimakonda kukana kuti ziri ndi vuto