Amadoda Nabafazi—Ngaba Ngokwenene Bathetha Ngokwahlukileyo?
KHAWUBE nomfanekiso-ngqondweni kaDumisani erhuqa iinyawo engena eofisini kaVuyani, kubonakala ukuba amagxa akhe athe loxe ngenxa yeengxaki zakhe ezimkhathazayo. UVuyani ujonga umhlobo wakhe ngovelwano aze amlinde ukuba athethe. Ngesingqala uDumisani uthi: “Andazi nokuba ndiwuyeke na lo msebenzi. Kukho ubunzima obukhulu ebendingabulindelanga, yaye neofisi elikomkhulu indipheka indophula.” “Yintoni ekukhathazayo, Dumisani?” UVuyani wabuza ngentembelo. “Uyazi ukuba ungoyena mntu ufanelekayo kulo msebenzi, neziphatha-mandla ziyayazi loo nto. Zinike ixesha. Ngaba ucinga ukuba oku kuyingxaki? Kaloku, nje kule nyanga iphelileyo . . .” UVuyani wabalisa iinkcukacha ezihlekisayo ngenkathazo akhe wakuyo yaye kungekudala umhlobo wakhe waphuma kuloo ofisi ehleka yaye ekhululekile. UVuyani wakuvuyela ukunceda.
Kwakhona masithi xa efika ekhaya ngaloo mvakwemini, uVuyani wabona zisuka nje ukuba umfazi wakhe, uThembakazi, wayekwakhathazekile. Wambulisa ngovuyo olukhethekileyo waza wamlinda ukuba athethe oko kwakumbangela akhathazeke. Emva kokuba kuthe nzwanga, wagqabhuka wathi: “Ndidikiwe! Lo mphathi ufikayo unguzwilakhe!” UVuyani wamhlalisa phantsi, wamgona, waza wathi: “Sithandwa, musa ukukhathazeka kangaka. Jonga, ngumsebenzi kuphela. Abaphathi banjalo. Akwaba ubuyivile indlela umphathi wam aye wandingxolisa isithukuthezi sento ngayo namhlanje. Noko ke, ukuba kungaphezu kwamandla akho, suka nje uyeke ukusebenza.”
“Akuyikhathalele nokuyikhathalela indlela endivakalelwa ngayo!” uThembakazi wadubuleka waphendula ngolo hlobo. “Akuze undiphulaphule! Andinakuyeka ukusebenza! Awamkeli mali yaneleyo!” Wambonzeleka ukungena kwigumbi lokulala esitsho esofelweyo. UVuyani wema ngaphandle kocango oluvaliweyo othukile, ecinga ngoko kuye kwenzeka. Kwakutheni aba bantu babini basabele ngeendlela ezahlukene ngolu hlobo kumazwi okuthuthuzela kaVuyani?
Ngaba Ngumsantsa Ophakathi Kwabantu Besini Esahlukileyo?
Abanye basenokuthi lo mahluko ukule mizekelo ubangelwa sisibakala esinye nesilula esisesi: UDumisani yindoda; uThembakazi ngumfazi. Abaphandi ngeelwimi bakholelwa kwelokuba ubunzima bokunxibelelana emtshatweni ngokufuthi bubangelwa kukwahluka okuphakathi kwabantu besini esahlukileyo. Iincwadi ezinjengethi You Just Don’t Understand nethi Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus ziphakamisa ingcamango yokuba amadoda namabhinqa, nangona bethetha ulwimi olufanayo, banezimbo zokunxibelelana ezahluke ngokupheleleyo.
Ngokungathandabuzekiyo, xa uYehova wadala umfazi ngokusuka kwindoda, wayengadali umntu owahlukileyo nje kancinane. Indoda nomfazi bayilwa ngenyameko ibe kucingwa nzulu ukuze baphelelisane—emzimbeni, ngokweemvakalelo, engqondweni nangokomoya. Ezinye izinto ezongezelela kulo mahluko ungokwemvelo kukuntsonkotha kwendlela umntu ngamnye akhuliswe ngayo namava akhe obomi, nokuxonxwa kwabantu yimpucuko, imekobume nayindlela abantu bendawo ahlala kuyo abazijonga ngayo iimpawu zamadoda nezamabhinqa. Ngenxa yezi mpembelelo, kunokwenzeka ukuba ukwazi ukwahlukanisa izimbo ezithile kwindlela amadoda namabhinqa anxibelelana ngayo. Kodwa “eyona ndoda” okanye “elona bhinqa” bantu abo ekunzima ukubachaza kusenokuthethwa ngabo kwiincwadi zenzululwazi ngengqondo kuphela.
Amabhinqa aphawuleka ngokukhawuleza abe neemvakalelo ngezinto, kodwa amadoda amaninzi anovelwano ngendlela emangalisayo kwiinkqubano zawo nabantu. Amadoda asenokuphawuleka ngakumbi ngokuba neengcinga ezisengqiqweni, kanti amabhinqa anengqiqo enzulu yokuhlalutya izinto. Ngoko ngoxa kungenakwenzeka ukuthi uphawu oluthile ngokukhethekileyo lolwamadoda okanye amabhinqa kuphela, inye into eqinisekileyo: Ukuqonda iimbono zomnye kusenokuba luncedo ekuhlalisaneni ngoxolo, ngokukodwa emtshatweni.
Ucelomngeni lwemihla ngemihla lonxibelelwano lwendoda nomfazi emtshatweni lunzima kakhulu. Amadoda amaninzi aqondayo anokungqina ukuba umbuzo ekucingwa ukuba ulula kodwa ungenjalo othi, “Uyithanda njani indlela entsha endizilungise ngayo iinwele zam?” uzele ziingozi. Abafazi abaninzi abanobuchule bafunda ukuphepha ukubuza ngokuphindaphindiweyo oku, “Kutheni ungasuki ubuze indlela?” xa amadoda abo elahleka ngoxa beseluhambeni. Kunokugxeka iimpawu ezithile ezibonakalayo zeqabane aze abambelele ngokuqinileyo kwezawo kuba esithi “yindlela endiyiyo,” amaqabane anothando ajonga ngaphaya kwezo mpawu. Le asiyondlela ingacacanga yokuhlolisisa indlela omnye anxibelelana ngayo kodwa yindlela efudumeleyo yokugocagoca intliziyo nengqondo kabani.
Ekubeni mntu ngamnye engafani nomnye, ngoko kunjalo nangokumanyaniswa kwabantu ababini emtshatweni. Intsebenziswano yokwenyaniso ayibikho ngamabona-ndenzile kodwa kufuneka kwenziwe umgudu ngenxa yobuntu bethu obungafezekanga. Ngokomzekelo, kulula gqitha ukucingela ukuba abanye bazijonga izinto ngendlela esizijonga ngayo. Ngokufuthi sizanelisa iintswelo zabanye ngendlela ebesiya kufuna bazanelise ngayo ezethu, mhlawumbi sizama ukulandela uMthetho Omkhulu othi, “Zonke izinto ngoko enisukuba ninga bangazenza abantu kuni, yenzani ezikwanjalo nani kubo.” (Mateyu 7:12) Noko ke, uYesu wayengathethi ukuba oko ukufunayo wena kufanele kubalungele nabanye. Kunoko, unqwenela ukuba abanye bakunike oko wena ukusweleyo okanye ukufunayo. Ngoko ufanele ubanike oko bona bakufunayo. Oku kubaluleke ngokukodwa emtshatweni, kuba ngamnye wenze isifungo sokuhlangabezana neentswelo zeqabane lakhe ngokuphelele kangangoko kunokwenzeka.
UThembakazi noVuyani babenze isifungo esinjalo. Yaye umanyano lwabo lomtshato lweminyaka emibini belulolonwabisayo. Noko ke, nangona bevakalelwa kukuba bazana kakuhle, maxa wambi kuvela iimeko ezityhila umsantsa omkhulu wonxibelelwano ongenakuvalwa kukuba neenjongo ezintle nje kuphela. IMizekeliso 16:23 ithi: “Intliziyo yesilumko iyawuqiqisa umlomo waso.” Ewe, ukusebenzisa ingqiqo kunxibelelwano kungundoqo ofunekayo. Makhe sibone indlela okube luncedo ngayo kuVuyani nakuThembakazi.
Imbono Yendoda
UVuyani uhambahamba kwihlabathi elinokhuphiswano apho ndoda nganye imele izive inguthile entlalweni, enoba ingaphantsi okanye iyeyongamileyo kuloo meko ithile. Unxibelelwano lwenza abonakalise isikhundla, amandla, ubuchule okanye ukuxabiseka kwakhe. Inkululeko yakhe ixabisekile kuye. Ngoko xa enikwa imiyalelo ngendlela enyanzelisayo, uVuyani uzifumana engayamkeli. Isigidimi esibekwe ngobuchule esithi “Akuwenzi umsebenzi wakho” simenza avukele, kwanokuba eso sicelo sisengqiqweni.
UVuyani uncokola nje ukuze adlulise aze afumane inkcazelo. Uyathanda ukuthetha ngezibakala, ngeengcamango nezinto ezintsha azifundileyo.
Xa ephulaphule, uVuyani akafane amphazamise lowo uthethayo, kwanangezikhuzo ezincinane, ezinjengokuthi “awu, hi,” ngenxa yokuba uphulaphule inkcazelo. Kodwa ukuba akavumelani nayo, ngaphandle kokulibazisa uyakuchaza oko, ngokukodwa xa ethetha nomhlobo wakhe. Oku kubonisa ukuba unomdla koko umhlobo wakhe akuthethayo, ehlola zonke izinto ezinokwenziwa.
Ukuba uVuyani unengxaki, ukhetha ukuzicombululela. Ngoko usenokufuna ukuba yedwa aze angenzi nantoni na eyenye. Okanye usenokufuna ukuphumla ngokwenza umsetyenzana othile wokuzonwabisa ukuze alibale ngengxaki yakhe okwexeshana. Uya kuthetha ngayo kuphela ukuba ufuna icebiso.
Ukuba enye indoda iza kuVuyani nengxaki njengokuba uDumisani wenzayo, uVuyani uyaqonda ukuba kungumsebenzi wakhe ukuyinceda, elumkele ukuba angenzi umhlobo wakhe azive engafaneleki. Ngokuqhelekileyo uya kubalisa ezinye iingxaki zakhe aze anikele necebiso ukuze umhlobo wakhe angaziva eyedwa.
UVuyani uyathanda ukwabelana nabahlobo bakhe ngemisebenzi. Kuye ubuqabane buthetha ukwenza izinto kunye.
KuVuyani ikhaya liyindawo yokuzimela, indawo apho kungasafuneki ukuba athethe ukuze azingqine enguthile, apho amkelwayo, athenjwayo, athandwayo nalapho axatyiswa khona. Kwanokuba kunjalo, ngamaxesha athile uVuyani ufumanisa ukuba ufuna amaxesha okuba yedwa. Isenokuba yinto engenakwenza noThembakazi okanye nantoni ayenzileyo. Ufuna nje ixesha lokuba yedwa. UVuyani ukufumanisa kunzima ukutyhila uloyiko, ukunganqabiseki neentlungu zakhe kumfazi wakhe. Akafuni akhathazeke. Indima yakhe yeyokuba amnyamekele aze amkhusele, yaye ufuna uThembakazi amthembe ukuze enjenjalo. Ngoxa uVuyani efuna ukuxhaswa, akafuni kusizelwa. Kumenza azive engafaneleki okanye engento yanto.
Imbono Yomfazi
UThembakazi uzibona njengomntu okwihlabathi apho abantu banxulumana nabanye entlalweni. Kuye kubalulekile ukwakha nokuqinisa amaqhina olu lwalamano. Intetho yindlela ebalulekileyo yokubangela nokuqinisekisa ukusondelelana.
Ukuxhomekeka kungokwemvelo kuThembakazi. Uziva ethandwa ukuba uVuyani ufuna ukuva izimvo zakhe ngaphambi kokuba enze isigqibo, nangona efuna akhokele. Xa kufuneka enze isigqibo, uyathanda ukuthetha nomyeni wakhe kuqala, kungekhona kuba efuna amxelele amakakwenze, kodwa ngenjongo yokumbonisa ukusondela nokuthembela kwakhe kuye.
Kunzima gqitha ngoThembakazi ukuba athethe ngokungqalileyo ukuba ufuna into ethile. Akafuni kumkruqula uVuyani okanye amenze avakalelwe kukuba akonwabanga. Kunoko, ulinda de abonwe okanye akuthi thsuphe ngendlela echuliweyo.
Xa uThembakazi encokola, uba nomdla kwiinkcukacha ezincinane aze abuze imibuzo emininzi. Oku kungokwemvelo ngenxa yokukhawuleza abe neemvakalelo nokuba nomdla omkhulu ebantwini nakulwalamano.
Xa uThembakazi ephulaphule, umbetha emlonyeni lowo uthethayo ngezikhuzo, ngokunqwala, okanye ngemibuzo ukubonisa ukuba uyahambisana naye yaye ukukhathalele oko akuthethayo.
Usebenza nzima ukuze akuqonde ngokuchanileyo oko abantu bakufunayo. Ukunceda ngaphandle kokucelwa kuyindlela emangalisayo yokubonisa uthando. Ngokukodwa ufuna ukunceda umyeni wakhe ukuze abe nenkqubela aze aphucule.
Xa uThembakazi enengxaki, usenokuziva esoyisakala. Umele athethe, kungekuba ufuna isicombululo, kodwa ngenjongo yokukhupha iimvakalelo zakhe. Ufuna ukwazi ukuba umntu othile uyaqonda yaye unenkathalo. Xa echulumancile ngokweemvakalelo, uThembakazi uthetha emaphikana ngendlela evus’ umxhelo. Sukuba edlala xa esithi: “Akuze undiphulaphule!”
Oyena mhlobo mkhulu kaThembakazi xa wayesengumntwana yayingenguye lowo wayesenza izinto kunye naye kodwa ngulowo wayethetha yonke into kuye. Ngoko emtshatweni akanamdla kangako kwizinto zangaphandle ngendlela anomdla ngayo kumphulaphuli onovelwano anokwabelana naye ngeemvakalelo zakhe.
Ikhaya yindawo apho uThembakazi anokuthetha ngaphandle kokugxekwa. Akaziva emadolw’ anzima ukuchaza uloyiko neengxaki zakhe kuVuyani. Ukuba ufuna uncedo, akanazintloni zokukuvuma oko, kuba unethemba lokuba umyeni wakhe ukulungele ukumnceda yaye ukukhathalele kakhulu ukuphulaphula.
Ngokuqhelekileyo uThembakazi uziva ethandwa yaye ekhuselekile emtshatweni wakhe. Kodwa ngamanye amaxesha, ngaphandle kwesizathu esivakalayo, uqalisa ukuziva enganqabisekanga yaye engathandwa yaye ngokukhawuleza ufuna ukuqinisekiswa ukuba uyathandwa yaye ufuna nobuqabane.
Ewe, uVuyani noThembakazi bayaphelelisana kodwa bahluke ngokupheleleyo. Ukungafani kwabo kubangela ukuba kubekho ukungaqondani okukhulu, nangona besenokuba nezona njongo zilungileyo zokuba nothando nokuxhasana. Ukuba besinokuva imbono yabo kule meko ingasentla, bebeya kuthini?
Oko Bakubonayo Ngamehlo Abo
UVuyani wayedla ngokuthi: “Ndingena nje emnyango, ndandibona ukuba uThembakazi ukhathazekile. Ndandidla ngokuthelekelela ukuba xa ekulungele, uya kundixelela isizathu. Ingxaki ayichazayo yayingabonakali inkulu kum. Ndandicinga ukuba xa ndimnceda nje abone ukuba kwakungeyomfuneko ukuba akhathazeke kangako yaye isicombululo sasilula, wayeya kuziva exolile. Ndandikhathazeka ngokwenene, xa esithi emva kokuba ndimphulaphule, ‘Akuze undiphulaphule!’ Ndandivakalelwa ngokungathi wayendibek’ ityala ngokunxunguphala kwakhe!”
UThembakazi wayedla ngokuthi: “Imini yonke izinto bezingahambi kakuhle tu. Ndandisazi ukuba asilotyala likaVuyani. Kodwa xa efika ekhaya echwayitile, ndandivakalelwa kukuba wayesityeshela isibakala sokuba ndikhathazekile. Kwakutheni ukuze angandibuzi ukuba yintoni endikhathazileyo? Xa ndimxelela ngengxaki, wayethetha amazwi abonisa ukuba ndandifeketha nokuba yonke le nto yayingenamsebenzi. Kunokuba athi wayeyiqonda indlela endivakalelwa ngayo, uVuyani, umlungisi weengxaki, wayendixelela indlela yokulungisa loo ngxaki. Ndandingafuni zicombululo, ndandifuna uvelwano!”
Phezu kwako nje ukubonakala kwalo msantsa wokwexeshana, uVuyani noThembakazi bathandana gqitha. Kukuphi ukuqonda okuya kubanceda babonakalise olo thando ngokucacileyo?
Ukubona Izinto Ngendlela Omnye Azibona Ngayo
UVuyani wayevakalelwa kukuba kwakuya kuba kukuzenza ugqadambekweni ukubuza uThembakazi ukuba wayekhathazwe yintoni, ngoko ngokuzenzekelayo wamenzela oko ebeya kufuna abanye bamenzele kona. Wamlinda ukuba athethe ngokukhululekileyo. Ngoku uThembakazi wayengakhathazwa nje yingxaki anayo kodwa wayekhathazwa sisibakala sokuba uVuyani ebonakala esityeshela isibongozo sakhe sokufuna ukuba amxhase. Akazange akubone ukuthula kwakhe njengophawu lwentlonelo enovelwano—wakubona njengokungakhathali. Xa uThembakazi wada wathetha ekugqibeleni, uVuyani wamphulaphula ngaphandle kokumphazamisa. Kodwa wayevakalelwa kukuba uVuyani wayengaziva ngokwenene iimvakalelo zakhe. Ngoko akazange abonakalise luvelwano, kodwa wanikela isicombululo. Oku kwamxelela oku uThembakazi: ‘Iimvakalelo zakho azikho ngqiqweni; uzikhathaza kakhulu ngaphandle kwesizathu. Uyayibona indlela ekulula ngayo ukucombulula le ngxaki incinane?’
Hayi indlela izinto engezahluke ngayo ukuba ngamnye wayezibone izinto ngendlela omnye azibona ngayo! Izinto ngezazihambe ngolu hlobo:
UVuyani ufika ekhaya uThembakazi ekhathazekile. Ngobubele ubuza oku, “Ukhathazwe yintoni, sithandwa?” Iinyembezi ziyehla, yaye ngokukhululekileyo uthetha ngale ngxaki. UThembakazi akathi, “Lityala lakho!” okanye abonise ukuba uVuyani akayiphumezi ngokwaneleyo indima yakhe. UVuyani uyambamba amsondeze kuye aze aphulaphule ngomonde. Xa egqibile, uthi: “Ndibuhlungu kuba udandathekile. Ndiyasibona isizathu sokuba ukhathazeke kangaka.” UThembakazi uphendula ngelithi: “Enkosi kakhulu ngokuphulaphula. Ndiziva ndixolile kuba ndisazi ukuba uyaqonda.”
Okubuhlungu kukuba kunokuba zicombulule iingxaki zazo, izibini ezininzi ngokulula zisuka zikhethe ukuwuphelisa umtshato ngokuwuqhawula. Ukungabikho konxibelelwano kuko okutshabalalisa amakhaya amaninzi. Kuvela iimpikiswano ezigungqisa kanye iziseko zomtshato. Kwenzeka njani oku? Inqaku elilandelayo lisixelela indlela oku okwenzeka ngayo nendlela yokukuphepha.