Umgibe Woqhawulo-mtshato

UANDREW noAnn babesisibini esonwabileyo. UAnn wayengeloncoko yaye ezikis’ ukucinga kunomyeni wakhe, kodwa ukuzola kwakhe okuthandekayo kwabonakala kungumahluko ofanelekileyo kubuntu buka-Andrew obunobuhlobo, kumandla noburharha bakhe obungenakuthintelwa. Amehlo akhe ayedlamka xa umyeni wakhe ekho. Yaye nabani na wayenokubona ukuba wayethandwa gqitha ngumyeni wakhe.

Noko ke, emva kweminyaka esixhenxe umtshato wabo waqalisa ukuchithakala. UAndrew wafumana umsebenzi omtsha owawumtyela ixesha lakhe elininzi. UAnn waqalisa ukukuthiya ukuxakeka okutsha komyeni wakhe ngumsebenzi nokubuya kwakhe ebusuku ngokufuthi. Ngokutsho kwakhe, wazama ‘ukuzigcina exakekile xa umyeni wakhe engekho’ ngokuzibhokoxa kakhulu kowakhe umsebenzi. Kodwa kungekudala uAndrew wayefika ekhaya enevumba lotywala, echaza ukuba ebephume namaqabane akhe ezorhwebo. Ingxaki yakhe yokusela yaya ithabath’ unyawo, yaye ekugqibeleni uAnn wamshiya naloo ndlu. UAndrew waqalisa ukudandatheka ngokunzulu. Kwiinyanga nje ezimbalwa, baqhawula umtshato.

Abaninzi basenokuba baqhelene gqitha neli bali. Njengoko sesibonile, amanani oqhawulo-mtshato aye anda ngokugqithiseleyo kulo lonke ihlabathi. Yaye ngokungathandabuzekiyo kweminye imitshato uqhawulo-mtshato alunakuthintelwa okanye luyimfuneko. IBhayibhile ayilwaleli ngokupheleleyo uqhawulo-mtshato, njengoko abaninzi besenokucinga njalo. Imilinganiselo yayo ilungile yaye isengqiqweni, ivumela uqhawulo-mtshato xa kukrexeziwe (Mateyu 19:⁠9); kwakhona imigaqo yayo ivumela ukwahlukana emtshatweni phantsi kweemeko ezithile ezimbi kakhulu, njengokuphathwa kakubi emzimbeni.a (Bona uMateyu 5:​32; 1 Korinte 7:​10, 11.) Kodwa le yayingeyomigaqo eyabangela ukuba uAndrew noAnn baqhawule umtshato.

UAndrew noAnn babengamaKristu yaye babekhe bawuhlonela umtshato njengongcwele. Kodwa njengathi sonke, baphila kwihlabathi elibalaselisa umlinganiselo wokuziphatha owahluke gqitha​—⁠wokuba umtshato uyinto enokupheliswa yaye uqhawulo-mtshato luyindlela yokuwuphelisa. Nyaka ngamnye le ndlela yokucinga iphembelela amawaka abantu abatshatileyo ukuba baqhawule umtshato ngezizathu ezingabambekiyo nezingezozaZibhalo. Yaye abaninzi baye baqonde​—⁠emva kwexesha⁠—​ukuba isimo sabo sengqondo “sale mihla,” “esikhanyiselweyo” ngoqhawulo-mtshato siye sabatsalela emgibeni.

Umgibe? ‘Noko elo ligama eliqatha,’ abanye basenokutsho. Usenokuvakalelwa kukuba, njengoko abaninzi bevakalelwa njalo namhlanje, uqhawulo-mtshato luyindlela nje ephucukileyo yokuphuma kumtshato ongonwabisiyo. Kodwa ngaba uliphaphele icala elibi loqhawulo-mtshato? Yaye ngaba uye wayibona indlela echuliweyo ihlabathi lanamhlanje elinokuyiphembelela ngayo indlela esicinga ngayo ngoqhawulo-mtshato​—⁠singaqondanga?

Umtsalane Wolwaneliseko Lobuqu

Inxalenye yesithiyelo esatsalela uAndrew noAnn kuqhawulo-mtshato yayilidinga lenkohliso lolwaneliseko lobuqu ngomsebenzi onempumelelo. Umtshato wabo waba lixhoba lesimo sengqondo sokuba ‘umsebenzi uza kuqala.’ Umtshato wabo wawungengowokuqala ukuba lixhoba elinjalo. Ulindixesha iFamily Relations wathi ngowe-1983: “Ukuzanelisa komntu ngamnye kuye kwaba ngumgaqo olawula indlela abantu abazenza ngayo izinto. Ngokomphumo, amaqhina asondeleleneyo kumalungu amaninzi eentsapho aqhawulwa ngokukhawuleza yaye kwaneqhina lomtshato liphantsi kwengcinezelo eyandayo.” UAndrew wayethabatheke gqitha ngumsebenzi wakhe omtsha nazizithembiso zawo zokumzisela inkqubela. Wamkela umsebenzi owongezelelekileyo waza wachitha ixesha elininzi namaqabane akhe omsebenzi emva kweeyure zomsebenzi khon’ ukuze azuze intlonelo nokwamkelwa okongezelelekileyo. Ngaxeshanye, umsebenzi ka-Ann wawumenza asoloko enemibono yempumelelo ngokuzuza imfundo eyongezelelekileyo.

Ukusukela umtsalane wempumelelo kwaba nomphumo ontlu-mbini. Okokuqala, kwathetha ukuba uAndrew noAnn babenexesha elincinane abalichitha bobabini. Kunjengokuba uAnn watshoyo: “Besitsalela emacaleni amabini. Ngoko besingabi nawo amaxesha ethu okuncokolisana ngentsimbi yeshumi ebusuku njengoko besiqhele ukwenjenjalo, sihlale phantsi size sithethe ngezinto ezidl’ umzi. Ebelungiselela usuku lwakhe olulandelayo emsebenzini, yaye nam ndandisenza oko. Ukuncokolisana kwanqumama.”

Okwesibini oku kwaba nomphumo ngokwasemoyeni. Ngokubeka imisebenzi yabo kuqala, babelutyhalela emva ulwalamano lwabo noThixo kanye ngexesha ababemfuna ngalo ngamandla. Ukuvumelana ngocwangciso lokusebenzisa imigaqo yeBhayibhile ngekwakumncedile uAndrew ekoyiseni ingxaki yakhe yokuquq’ ebuyelela emphandeni kuze kunike uAnn amandla okunamathela kumyeni wakhe ebudeni bale meko inzima.

Ngoko kunokuba bazame ukucombulula iingxaki zomtshato wabo, baqalisa ukubona uqhawulo-mtshato njengendlela esebenzisekayo, mhlawumbi kwananjengendlela yokubakhulula kuyo yonke le ngcinezelo. Emva koqhawulo-mtshato, umvandedwa wabenza barhoxa ngokupheleleyo kubomi babo bokomoya. Bayeka ukuba ngamaKristu.

“Iingcali” Ziyanceda Ekuthiyeni Lo Mgibe

Izibini ezininzi ezitshatileyo, xa zijamelene neengxaki zomtshato, zibhenela kubacebisi bomtshato noogqirha okanye kwiincwadi ezibhalwe ngabantu abanjalo. Kodwa okubuhlungu kukuba, zimbi “iingcali” zomtshato zale mihla ziye zangqineka zinobuchule obungakumbi ekukhuthazeni ukuqhawula umtshato kunasekuwulondolozeni. Kumashumi eminyaka akutshanje izimvo ‘zeengcali’ ngokunxamnye nomtshato ziye zanda yaye ziyabhuqa.

Ngokomzekelo, ugqirha wengqondo uSusan Gettleman noJanet Markowitz bevakalisa intlungu yabo kwiThe Courage to Divorce bathi: “Kukho inkolelo engekho ngqiqweni ehlala ikho yokuba abantu abaqhawule umtshato baphulukana nento ethile eyingenelo ebizwa ngokuba ‘bubomi bentsapho obuqhelekileyo.’” Oogqirha bengqondo bayayikrokrela “imida engokwasemthethweni nemilinganiselo yokuziphatha okuhle” enxamnye noqhawulo-mtshato “esekelwe kwimigaqo yonqulo eyavela kwiinkulungwane ezadlulayo.” Bemi ngento yokuba uqhawulo-mtshato luya kuhlala lukho de “ukuwohloka okuthe ngcembe komtshato” kulwenze “lungabi yomfuneko.” Incwadi yabo bayincomela kumagqwetha, kubagwebi​—⁠nakubefundisi!

‘Akuyonto imbi ukuqhawula umtshato. Ukuqhawula umtshato kuyakhulula. Ukwanda koqhawulo-mtshato akungomqondiso wokuba kukho nto iphosakeleyo ngebutho labantu; kungumqondiso wokuba kukho into ephosakeleyo ngelungiselelo lomtshato.’ “Iingcali” ezininzi ziye zafundisa ngaloo ngcamango, ngokukodwa ebudeni belona xesha laziwayo lenguqulelo yesini ngeminyaka yee-1960 ukusa kweyee-1970. Kutshanje, zimbi iingcali ezaziwayo zengqondo nezokusebenza komzimba womntu ziye zaqikelela ukuba umntu “ulawulwa”​—⁠yindaleko, kuzo zonke izinto⁠—​ukuba atshintshatshintshe amaqabane njalo emva kweminyaka embalwa. Ngamany’ amazwi uthando ngaphandle komtshato noqhawulo-mtshato zizinto nje zokwemvelo.

Kunzima ukucinga ngendlela imitshato emininzi eye yonakaliswa ngayo ziingcamango ezinjalo. Kodwa ezinye iingcali ezininzi zikhuthaza uqhawulo-mtshato ngeendlela ezichulwe ngakumbi. Xa uDiane Medved wayesenza uphando ngoxa wayebhala incwadi yakhe ethi The Case Against Divorce, wafumana iincwadi ezinokuba ngama-50 ezikumzi wogcino-zincwadi kwindawo ahlala kuyo ubuncinane ‘ezazibakhuthaza abantu abazifundayo ukuba baqhubeke noqhawulo-mtshato, ukuba zazingalukhuthazi ngokungqalileyo uqhawulo-mtshato.’ Ulumkisa enjenje: “Ezi ncwadi zikwenza kube lula njengokunxiba impahla yesilika ukungena kwimeko yabantu abangatshatanga yaye zizukisa ‘inkululeko yakho entsha’ ngokungathi . . . iyindlela yokugqibela yokufumana ulwaneliseko.”

Ezinye Iimpembelelo

Kambe ke, kukho ezinye iimpembelelo ezininzi ezibangela uqhawulo-mtshato ngaphandle ‘kweengcali’ ezilahlekisayo. Amaziko osasazo​—⁠umabonwakude, imifanekiso eshukumayo, amaphephancwadi, amabali othando⁠—​ngokufuthi ongezelela kuqhwithela olwandayo lwempembelo eyinkohliso ngokunxamnye nomtshato. Ngamany’ amaxesha amaziko osasazo adlulisela isigidimi sokuba ukuchulumanca, ulonwabo nolwaneliseko olungenasiphelo luyafumaneka ngaphandle kwesizungu esidinayo sobomi bomtshato yaye ekupheleni kobu bumnandi bokuzihlalela nokuba nenkululeko ulindelwe lelinye iqabane elikumgangatho ophakame lee kunelo lisekhaya.

Ukuvela nje uzithandabuze iingcamango ezinjalo ezibhuqayo akunakukukhusela kuzo. Kunjengokuba uMedved ekuchaza: “Ubona umfanekiso oshukumayo, yaye kwanokuba ulumke kangakanani na kwizinto zehlabathi uyabambiseka kumandla awo. Akunakuwaphepha​—⁠ibali nempembelelo zinikelwa ngendlela yokuba zitsalele uvelwano lwakho kumlinganiswa oyintloko (ngaba uthetha ngomyeni ongudlalani?) nokuthiya kwakho lowo ukhohlakeleyo (ngaba uthetha ngomfazi olitshini-tshini?). . . . Wena ngokobuqu usenokungavumelani noko ukubonayo, kodwa ukwazi nje ukuba abanye bayavumelana nako, kuye komeleza abantu ngeendlela ezininzi gqitha kwimpucuko yethu, konakalisa uzimiselo lwakho lokwenza okulungileyo nokuqiniseka.”

Ihambo yabantu esiphila kunye nabo iyasichaphazela. Ukuba oko kunjalo ngezigidimi zamaziko osasazo, hayi indlela ekunjalo ngayo ngakumbi ngabahlobo esibakhethayo! Ngobulumko, iBhayibhile ilumkisa isithi: “Musani ukulahlekiswa. Incoko [“unxulumano,” NW] embi yonakalisa izimilo ezilungileyo.” (1 Korinte 15:​33) Umtshato olungileyo usesinye sezona zimilo zilungileyo. Sinokuwonakalisa ukuba sihlobana nabo bangalihloneliyo eli lungiselelo. Izibini ezininzi ziye zazifumanisa ziqhutyelwa ngobuchule kuqhawulo-mtshato ngenxa yokuba iingxaki zazo zomtshato ziye zazithetha ‘kubahlobo’ abanjalo​—⁠ngamany’ amaxesha kwanakwabo abathe bakhetha ukuqhawula umtshato ngaphandle kwezizathu zokwenene.

Abanye ngaphambi kwexesha bafuna icebiso elingokwasemthethweni xa beneengxaki kumtshato wabo. Bayalibala ukuba inkqubo engokwasemthethweni kumazwe amaninzi iyintlangano esebenza ngokugudileyo elungiselelwe ukulwenza lula uqhawulo-mtshato. Ngapha koko, amagqwetha ayazuza ngokukhuthaza uqhawulo-mtshato, ingekuko ngokuxolelanisa amaqabane omtshato.

Sekunjalo, usenokuzibuza uthi, ‘Ukuba onke loo magqwetha, oogqirha, abantu abadumileyo kwezosasazo kwanabahlobo nabantu esibaqhelileyo baye bamkela yaye baye bakhuthaza ngokusebenzisekayo isimo sengqondo esityekele ngakumbi kuqhawulo-mtshato, ngaba oko kuthetha ukuba oko bakuthethayo kuyinyaniso?’ Ngaba abantu abaninzi kangaka banokuphazama ngento ebaluleke kangaka? Ukuhlola eminye imiphumo yoqhawulo-mtshato kuya kusinceda sikwazi ukubona impendulo.

[Imibhalo esemazantsi]

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 7]

Zimbi “iingcali” zomtshato zityekele ngakumbi ekukhuthazeni ukuqhawulwa komtshato kunasekuwulondolozeni