Ukunceda Abantwana Abakhulileyo Bamakhoboka Otywala

“Ukuba wakhulela kwintsapho yekhoboka lotywala, umele ulungise imfundiso egqwethekileyo nokuphazamiseka kweemvakalelo okwaveliswa yiloo ndlela wakhuliswa ngayo. Akunakuyiphepha.” ​—⁠UGqr. George W. Vroom.

IJONI elingxwelerheke kanobom lilele kwithafa ledabi lisopha. Kufika uncedo ngokukhawuleza, yaye lo mphumi-mkhosi ungxwelerhekileyo ubalekiselwa esibhedlele ngokukhawuleza. Eli joni lisindile ekufeni, kodwa iingxaki zalo azikapheli. Amanxeba alo amele anyangwe, yaye uloyiko oluchaphazela ingqondo neemvakalelo nolubangelwa ngamava alo lusenokuhlala lukho kangangeminyaka.

Kubantwana abanomzali olikhoboka lotywala, ikhaya linokufana nethafa ledabi apho kuhlaselwa khona iimfuno zomntu ezisisiseko. Bambi abantwana bayaxhatshazwa ngokwesini; abanye bayabethwa; iimvakalelo zabaninzi azikhathalelwa. Elinye ityendyana lomfana, lithetha ngexesha lobuntwana balo, lithi: “Luhlobo loloyiko olufana nolo umntwana anokuba nalo xa esiva iziqhushumbisi okanye oombayimbayi bedubula ecaleni kwendlu yakowabo.” Akumangalisi ke ngoko ukuba abantwana abaninzi bamakhoboka otywala bebonakalisa iimpawu zokucinezeleka kakhulu, njengoko benjalo abantu abasebenze emkhosini ixesha elide!

Liyinyaniso elokuba, abantwana abaninzi baphila nako oku kucinezeleka baze ekugqibeleni balishiye ikhaya. Kodwa bafikelela kubuntu obukhulu benamanxeba okwenene, nangona engabonakali, afana nqwa nahlala ekho njengalawo ejoni elingxwelerhekileyo. UGloria uthi: “Ngoku ndineminyaka engama-60 ubudala, yaye ubomi bam busachatshazelwa kukucinezeleka okwabangelwa kukuzalwa kwintsapho enomzali olikhoboka lotywala.”

Yintoni enokwenziwa ukuze kuncedwe abanjalo? IBhayibhile incomela oku, ‘Lilani nabo.’ (Roma 12:​15, Phillips) Ukuze ubani enze oku, umele aqonde amanxeba aqhele ukubakho ngenxa yokuhlala kwindawo enekhoboka lotywala.

“Andizange Ndaba Nethuba Lobuntwana”

Umntwana ufuna ukondliwa, ukunyanyekelwa, nokusoloko esenziwa azive enentembelo. Kwintsapho yekhoboka lotywala, ngokufuthi ingqalelo elolo hlobo ayikho. Kwiimeko ezithile kubakho ukuguquka kweendima zamalungu entsapho, yaye kulindeleke ukuba umntwana anyamekele umzali. Ngokomzekelo, uAlbert wayesondla intsapho yakowabo eneminyaka eli-14 ubudala! Ithabatha indawo yomzali olikhoboka lotywala, intwazana egama linguJan yayisenza imisebenzi emininzi yasendlwini. Yayikwangumnyamekeli oyintloko wabantwana bakowayo abancinane​—⁠konke oku kwaqalisa xa yayineminyaka emithandathu kuphela ubudala!

Abantwana abangobantu bakhulileyo, yaye abanakusuka nje benze izinto njengabantu abakhulileyo. Xa abantwana besenziswa izinto ezifanele zenziwe ngabantu abakhulileyo, abantwana abenziwa abantu abakhulileyo banamhlanje baba ngabantu abakhulileyo bangomso abaneemfuno zobuntwana ezingazange zaneliswe. (Thelekisa eyabase-Efese 6:⁠4.) Umluleki ngemicimbi yentsapho uJohn Bradshaw uyabhala: “Bayakhula babe nemizimba yabantu abakhulileyo. Bakhangeleka yaye bathetha njengabantu abakhulileyo, kodwa ngaphakathi kubo kukho umntwana onganeliswanga ekungazange kuhlangatyezwane neemfuno zakhe.” Abantu abanjalo basenokuvakalelwa ngendlela awavakalelwa ngayo omnye umKristu: “Ndiseneentlungu ezingapheliyo ngenxa yokuba ezona mfuno zam ezingokweemvakalelo ezisisiseko njengomntwana azizange zaneliswe.”

“Imele Ukuba Yimpazamo Yam”

Xa uRobert wayeneminyaka eli-13 kuphela ubudala, uyise wafa engozini. URobert ukhumbula oku ejonge phantsi: “Ndazama ukuba ngolungileyo. Ndiyazi ukuba ndenza izinto awayengazithandi, kodwa ndandingengomntwana mbi.” URobert wayenoxanduva olukhulu lokuziva enetyala ngokukhotyokiswa kukayise butywala yaye wenjenjalo kangangeminyaka emininzi. Xa wayebalisa oku kungasentla, uRobert wayeneminyaka engama-74 ubudala!

Kuyinto eqhelekileyo ngabantwana ukucinga ukuba babekek’ ityala xa umzali ekhotyokiswe butywala. Ukuzisola kubangela umntwana azikhohlise ecinga ukuba angayilawula le meko. Kunjengokuba uJanice esithi: “Ndandicinga into yokuba ukuba ndandiziphethe kakuhle, utata wayengenakuze asele kwakhona.”

Inyaniso yile, akukho mntwana​—⁠okanye mntu ukhulileyo⁠—​onokubangela, alawule, okanye anyange indlela asela ngayo omnye umntu. Ukuba umzali wakho likhoboka lotywala, kungakhathaliseki oko ukuxelelweyo okanye oko omnye umntu ebesingisele kuko, akunatyala ngokupheleleyo! Yaye kusenokufuneka uqwalasele ngenyameko enoba njengomntu okhulileyo, usaziva ubekek’ ityala ngokungeyomfuneko ngezenzo nangehambo yabanye kusini na.​—⁠Thelekisa eyabaseRoma 14:​12; Filipi 2:⁠12.

“Akukho Namnye Endinokukholosa Ngaye”

Ukukholosa kusekelwe ekuthetheni ngokukhululekileyo nasekunyanisekeni. Imeko-bume yekhoboka lotywala isekelwe ekugcineni amahlebo nasekukhanyeleni ingxaki yalo.

Njengomntu oselula, uSara wayesazi ngokukhotyokiswa kukayise butywala. Kanti, ukhumbula oku: “Ndandiziva ndinetyala nangokucinga nje ngelo gama kuba akukho namnye kwintsapho yakowethu owayelibiza.” USusan ubalisa amava afanayo: “Akukho namnye entsatsheni owayekhe athethe ngento eyayisenzeka, ngendlela ababengonwabanga ngayo, okanye ngendlela esasicatshukiswa ngayo [ngutata wesibini olikhoboka lotywala]. Ndicinga ukuba ndasuka nje ndayibetha ngoyaba le meko.” Ngaloo ndlela ukukhotyokiswa komzali butywala ngokufuthi kufihlwa ngokukukhanyela. USusan uthi: “Ndafunda ukungaziboni izinto kuba ndandibone ngokwaneleyo.”

Ngokubhekele phaya ukukholosa kupheliswa yindlela eguquguqukayo eliziphatha ngayo ikhoboka lotywala. Belichwayitile izolo, kodwa namhlanje liyajwaqeka ngumsindo. UMartin, ongumntwana okhulileyo ononina owayelikhoboka lotywala, uthi: “Ndandingalazi ixesha awayeza kuba nomsindo ngalo.” Ikhoboka lotywala aliwazalisekisi amadinga eliwenzileyo, kungekuko ukuba alikhathali, kodwa ngenxa nje yotywala. UGqr. Claudia Black uyacacisa: “Ukucinga ngokusela kuba yinto eza kuqala kwikhoboka lotywala. Yonke enye into iza kamva.”

“Ndiyazigusha Iimvakalelo Zam”

Xa kungenakwabelwana ngokukhululekileyo ngeemvakalelo, abantwana bafunda ukuzifihla. Incwadi ethi Adult Children​—⁠The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families ithi, baya esikolweni “benoncumo ebusweni babo neemvakalelo ezivalelwe eziswini zabo,” yaye abanakuze babelane nabanye ngeengcamango zabo kuba besoyika ukudiza ihlebo lentsapho. Ngaphandle, yonke into ilungile; ngaphakathi iimvakalelo ezicinezelweyo ziqalisa ukungavakaliswa.

Ebuntwini obukhulu nawaphi na amalinge okuthoba iimvakalelo ngembonakalo eyinkohliso yokuba ‘yonke into ilungile’ ngokuqhelekileyo akaphumeleli. Ukuba iimvakalelo azinakuvakaliswa ngamazwi, zisenokuvela emzimbeni​—⁠oko kukuthi, ngezilonda ezisemathunjini, ngeentlungu zentloko ezinganyangekiyo, njalo njalo. UShirley uthi: “Iimvakalelo zazindikrekretha ngokoqobo. Ndandigula ndiphethwe zizo zonke izifo ezaziwayo.” UGqr. Timmen Cermak uyacacisa: “Indlela abantwana abakhulileyo abahlangabezana ngayo nokucinezeleka kukukhanyela, kodwa akunakumbhanxa uMama oyiMvelo. . . . Umzimba osoloko ucinezeleke gqitha, ophila impilo enzima kakhulu kangangeminyaka uqalisa ukuwohloka.”

Into Engaphezu Kokuphila

Abantwana abakhulileyo bamakhoboka otywala bomelele; ukuphila kwabo ukutyhubela iingcinezelo ezenzeka ngoxa babengabantwana kungqinela eso sibakala. Kodwa kufuneka okungakumbi kunokuphila. Kumelwe kufundwe iingcamango ezintsha ngolwalamano lwentsapho. Kusenokufuneka ukuba kunikelwe ingqalelo kwiimvakalelo zokuziva unetyala, unomsindo nezokungazixabisi. Abantwana abakhulileyo bamakhoboka otywala bamele basebenzise amandla abo ukuze banxibe oko iBhayibhile ikubiza ngokuthi ‘bubuntu obutsha.’​—⁠Efese 4:​23, 24, NW; Kolose 3:​9, 10.

Oku akuyonto ilula. ULeRoy, umntwana okhulileyo wekhoboka lotywala, wazama ngamandla ukusebenzisa imigaqo yeBhayibhile kwintsapho yakhe kangangeminyaka engama-20. “Xa ndafumana sonke isiluleko sothando kuMbutho ngencwadi Intsapho nangezinye iimpapasho, ndandingakwazi ukuyiqonda ingcamango.a Umphumo waba kukuba andizange ndiyisebenzise kakuhle inkcazelo. . . . Ndingasebenzisi zimvakalelo, ndandizama ukufumana nokusebenzisa imithetho ngamandla, njengabaFarisi.”​—⁠Bona uMateyu 23:​23, 24.

Kumntu onjengoLeRoy, ukusuka nje acelwe ukuba abe “ngonothando ngakumbi” okanye “ancokole” okanye kuthiwe “qeqesha abantwana bakho” kusenokunganeli. Ngoba? Ngenxa yokuba umntwana okhulileyo usenokuba akazange azifumane ezi mpawu okanye ubuchule, ngoko unokuzibonakalisa okanye azixelise njani? ULeRoy wafuna unyango ukuze aqonde umphumo obangelwe kukukhotyokiswa kukayise butywala. Oku kwavulel’ indlela ukwenza inkqubela ngokomoya. Uthi: “Nakubeni eli ibilixesha elibuhlungu gqitha ebomini bam, ibilixesha lokukhula okubalaseleyo ngokomoya. Okokuqala ebomini, ngokwenene ndiyaziva ukuba ndiqalisa ukulwazi ngokuchanileyo into oluyiyo uthando lukaThixo.”​—⁠1 Yohane 5:⁠3.

Ibhinqa elingumKristu eligama linguCheryl lancedwa ngunontlalo-ntle onamava ngemibandela yokukhotyokiswa butywala entsatsheni. Kwakhona lazityand’ igila kumdala onovelwano. Lithi: “Kuphela kwaba semva kokuba ndiwalahlile onke ‘amahlebo aziintloni’ endandinawo endathi ndaziva ndiseluxolweni noYehova nesiqu sam. Ngoku uYehova ndimgqala njengoBawo (into endandingasoze ndiyenze ngaphambili), yaye andisaziva ndikhohlisiwe ngenxa yokuba ndingazange ndilufumane uthando nolwaneliseko endandilufuna kutata apha emhlabeni.”

UAmy, intombi ekhulileyo yekhoboka lotywala, wafumanisa ukuba ukusebenzela ukuhlakulela ‘isiqhamo somoya’ kwamnceda kakhulu. (Galati 5:​22, 23) Kwakhona wafunda nokuphalaza iingcamango neemvakalelo zakhe kumdala oqondayo. UAmy uthi: “Wandikhumbuza ngokwamkelwa endandikufuna ngokwenene, ukwamkelwa nguYehova uThixo noYesu Kristu. Ukufuna ukuthandwa nokwamkelwa ngabo akunakuze kube kukuzitshabalalisa.”

Ukuphiliswa Ngokupheleleyo

IBhayibhile inedinga elibhaliweyo likaYesu Kristu lokuba abo beza kuye besindwa ngamaxhala baya kuhlaziywa. (Mateyu 11:​28-30) Ukongezelela, uYehova ubizwa ngokuthi ‘nguThixo onako konke ukuthuthuzela, osithuthuzelayo kuyo yonke imbandezelo yethu.’ (2 Korinte 1:​3, 4) UMaureena uthi: “Ndiye ndamazi uYehova njengaLowo ongasoze andishiye ngokwasemzimbeni, ngokwasengqondweni, okanye ngokweemvakalelo.”

Siphila kwixesha iBhayibhile elibiza ngokuthi yimihla yokugqibela, kwixesha apho abaninzi​—⁠kwanakwisangqa sentsapho⁠—​beya kuba ‘ngabanyelisi, bengenalo uthando lwemvelo yaye benoburhalarhume.’ (2 Timoti 3:​2, 3, The New English Bible) Kodwa uThixo uthembisa ukuba kungekudala uza kuzisa ihlabathi elitsha loxolo aya kuthi kulo azisule zonke iinyembezi aze aphelise nosizi. (ISityhilelo 21:​4, 5) Omnye umKristu owakhulela kwintsapho yekhoboka lotywala uthi: “Sithemba ukuba sonke sinokukwazi ukungena kunye kwelo hlabathi litsha, apho siya kuphiliswa ngokupheleleyo nguYehova ongokuphela konokwenjenjalo.”

INGXELO YEMBALI YOBUQU

“Ndingumntwana okhulileyo wekhoboka lotywala. Utata waba likhoboka lotywala xa ndandineminyaka esibhozo ubudala. Xa enxilile, wayesiba nogonyamelo. Ndikhumbula uloyiko eyayisiba nalo intsapho xa iyonke. Kwixesha laxa ndandifanele ndibe nethuba lobuntwana elonwabisayo, ndafunda ukuzifihla iimvakalelo, iintswelo, iminqweno namathemba endandinawo. UMama noTata babexakeke kakhulu benyamekela ingxaki kaTata ngokokude bangafumaneki kum. Ndandingafanelwanga lixesha labo. Ndaziva ndingaxabisekanga. Xa ndandineminyaka esibhozo ubudala indima eyabekwa phezu kwam yandinyanzela ukuba ndiyeke ukuba ngumntwana​—⁠ndikhule ngokukhawuleza ndize ndinyamekele imisebenzi yentsapho. Ndaphila ubomi obabungaqinisekanga.

“Ihambo katata yayibangel’ iintloni kakhulu kangangokuba ihlazo lakhe landisulela. Ukuze ndilungise loo nto ndazama ukuba ngofezekileyo. Ndazibhokoxa, ndizama ukuthenga uthando, ndingaziva ndilufanele uthando lokwenene. Ndathi ndaphilela nje ukusebenza, ndingenazimvakalelo. Kwiminyaka ethile kamva umyeni nabantwana bam bandixelela ukuba ndandiyirobhothi, ndisebenza njengomatshini. Kangangeminyaka engama-30 ndabasebenzela nzima, ndabancamela iimfuno zam ezingokweemvakalelo, ndizinikele kubo njengokuba ndandisoloko ndizinikele kubazali bam. Ngaba le yindlela endandibulelwa ngayo? Yayilinxeba elikhulu!

“Ndinomsindo, ndididekile, yaye ndiphelelwe lithemba, ndazimisela ukufumanisa into eyayingalunganga kum. Njengoko ndandithetha nabanye abakhuliswe kumakhaya amakhoboka otywala, kwaphuma iimvakalelo ezininzi ezazicinezelwe, izinto ezazingakhunjulwa ngaphambili, izinto ezabangela ukuba ndihlaselwe ngokuphindaphindiweyo ludandatheko olutyhafisayo. Kwakufana nokukhululeka, nokuhlambuluka. Esinjani sona isiqabu ekwaba siso ukwazi ukuba ndandingendedwa, ukwazi ukuba nabanye babenazo yaye beziqonda iingcinezelo zokukhulela kwam kwintsapho enekhoboka lotywala!

“Ndangena kwiqela elalibizwa ngokuthi Abantwana Abakhulileyo Bamakhoboka Otywala ndaza ndaqalisa ukusebenzisa ezinye zeendlela zalo zonyango. Iincwadi ezithetha ngale ngxaki namacebiso okuyiphelisa zandinceda ndaguqula iimbono ezigqwethekileyo. Ndabhala phantsi iimvakalelo yonke imihla ukuze ndikhuphe ezinye iimvakalelo, iimvakalelo ezazifihlwe kangangeminyaka. Ndaphulaphula iikhasethi ezazenzelwe ukufundisa indlela ubani awayenokuzinceda ngayo. Ndabukela ingxubusho eyayikumabonwakude eyayisenziwa yindoda eyayingumntwana okhulileyo wekhoboka lotywala. Incwadi ethi Feeling Good, eyayivela kwiYunivesithi Yesikolo Samayeza SasePennsylvania, yandinceda ndaba nokuzixabisa ndaza ndaphucula iindlela zam zokucinga ezigqwethekileyo.

“Ezinye zezi ndlela zintsha zokucinga zaba zizixhobo, izigqibo zokuhlangabezana nobomi nezinto ezinxulumene nabo. Nazi ezinye zazo endazifundayo ndaza ndazisebenzisa: Asinto eyenzeka kuthi ethethayo, yindlela esiyijonga ngayo okanye esiyibona ngayo into eyenzekayo. Iimvakalelo azifanele zivalelwe ngaphakathi kodwa zifanele zihlolisiswe zize zivakaliswe ngokwakhayo okanye zikhutshwe engqondweni. Esinye isixhobo sisicatshulwa esithi ‘ziphathe ngendlela efanelekileyo yokucinga.’ Isenzo esiphindaphindwayo sinokuvelisa iindlela zokucinga ezintsha.

“Esona sixhobo sibaluleke kunazo zonke liLizwi likaThixo, iBhayibhile. Kulo nakumabandla amaNgqina kaYehova, nabadala bawo namanye amaNgqina anamava, ndifumene eyona mpilo intle yokomoya, yaye ndifunde ukuzithanda ngokufanelekileyo. Kwakhona ndifunde ukuba ndingumntu owahlukileyo onobuntu obahlukileyo, ukuba akakho omnye umntu ofana nam kwindalo iphela. Okubaluleke ngakumbi kukuba ndiyazi ukuba uYehova uyandithanda, nam uYesu wandifela njengoko wafela nabanye.

“Ngoku, kunyaka onesiqingatha kamva, ndinokuthi ngomlinganiselo wama-70 ekhulwini ndiphilile. Ukuphila ngokupheleleyo kuya kubakho kuphela xa ihlabathi elitsha lobulungisa likaYehova lilithabathel’ indawo eli hlabathi lingendawo likhoyo nothixo walo, uSathana uMtyholi.”

UKUQUKUMBELA

IBhayibhile ithi: “Ngamanzi anzulu icebo entliziyweni yendoda, kanti indoda enengqondo iyalirhola.” (IMizekeliso 20:⁠5) Lowo uncedayo umele abe nengqiqo ukuba uza kuphumelela ekurholeni kumanzi anzulu entliziyo izinto ezikhathaza umntu odandathekileyo. Axabiseke kakhulu ‘amaphakathi amaninzi’ ukuba anengqiqo. (IMizekeliso 11:​14) Lo mzekeliso ulandelayo ukwabonisa ukubaluleka kokufuna isiluleko kwabanye: “Isinyithi silola isinyithi, indoda ilola ubuso bowayo.” (IMizekeliso 27:​17) Xa abantu abaneengxaki bethethana, ‘basenokuvuselelana.’ (Roma 1:​12) Yaye ukuze azalisekise umyalelo weBhayibhile ‘wokukhuthaza abamxhelo mncinane,’ lowo uthuthuzelayo umele aqonde unobangela nemiphumo olube nayo udandatheko oluthwaxa lowo uza kuthuthuzelwa.​—⁠1 Tesalonika 5:⁠14.

[Umbhalo osemazantsi]

[Amagama acatshulweyo akwiphepha 26]

Abantwana abaninzi bamakhoboka otywala baneempawu zokucinezeleka kakhulu njengoko benjalo abantu abasebenze emkhosini ixesha elide!

[Amagama acatshulweyo akwiphepha 28]

Imeko-bume yekhoboka lotywala isekelwe ekuyigcineni ilihlebo nokuyikhanyela ingxaki yalo

[Amagama acatshulweyo akwiphepha 28]

Baya esikolweni “benoncumo ebusweni babo neemvakalelo ezivalelwe eziswini zabo”

[Amagama acatshulweyo akwiphepha 29]

“Ngoku uYehova ndimgqala njengoBawo (into endandingasoze ndiyenze ngaphambili)”

[Blurb on pae 30]

Esona sixhobo sibaluleke kunazo zonke liLizwi likaThixo, iBhayibhile

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 27]

“Iimvakalelo zazindikrekretha ngokoqobo”