Yintoni Ebangela Ugonyamelo Lwasekhaya?

“Kunokuba ibe yindawo yokukhuseleka kuxinzeleko, kubunzima nakwizenzo zokungabi nangqiqo zabantu bangaphandle, intsapho ngokufuthi ibonakala ibandisa okanye ide ibongeze obu bunzima.”—The Intimate Environment—Exploring Marriage and the Family.

UPHANDO ngombandela wogonyamelo lwasentsatsheni ngokwentelekiso liphulo elitsha. Uphando olubhekele phaya luye lwenziwa kuphela ebudeni bamashumi eminyaka yakutshanje. Imiphumo yophando olulolo hlobo isenokungasoloko ifana, kodwa kuye kwafunyaniswa iinkalo ezisisiseko ezifak’ isandla kugonyamelo lwasekhaya. Makhe siqwalasele ezinye zazo.

Imvelaphi Yentsapho Inayiphi Indima?

Uninzi lwabaphandi lwathi ngoko likufumanayo: “Okukhona sidlan’ indlebe nesibini esinogonyamelo, sifumanisa ukuba abantwana baso banogonyamelo ngakumbi kwabanye nakubazali babo.”

Ukubukela nje ugonyamelo lwasentsatsheni kunempembelelo enkulu koselula. Ingcali yezamayeza uJohn Bradshaw uthi: “Ukubukela komntwana unina ebethwa emntwaneni kuyafana nokuba kubethwa yena.” Omnye oselula ogama linguEd wayeyithiyile into yokubona uyise ebetha unina. Sekunjalo, nangona esenokuba akazange ayiqonde loo nto, wayefundiswa ukuba akholelwe kwelokuba amadoda amele awalawule amabhinqa yaye ukuze enjenjalo, amadoda amele awoyikise, awenzakalise aze awathob’ isidima. Xa waba ngumntu omkhulu, uEd wasebenzisa la macebiso okumphatha kakubi nangogonyamelo umfazi wakhe.

Bambi abazali ngobulumko bayabalela abantwana babo ukuba babukele ugonyamelo kumabonwakude, yaye oko kuyinto entle. Kodwa abazali bamele bakuphaphele ngakumbi ukulawula indlela abaziphatha ngayo njengemizekelo ephambili kubantwana babo abaphembelelekayo.

Lunayiphi Indima Uxinzeleko?

Ukukhulelwa, ukungaqeshwa, ukufa komzali, ukufuduka, ukugula neengxaki ezingokwemali zizisa uxinzeleko, njengokuba nezinye izinto zisenza. Inkoliso yabantu imelana noxinzeleko ngaphandle kokubhenela kugonyamelo. Noko ke, kwabathile uxinzeleko lusenokuba sisiqalo sogonyamelo, ngokukodwa xa ludibene nezinye izinto. Ngokomzekelo, ukunyamekela umzali owalupheleyo—ngokukodwa xa umzali lowo egula—ngokufuthi oko kuye kwakhokelela kwimpatho embi xa lowo umnyamekelayo esindwa nazezinye iimbopheleleko zentsapho.

Ukukhulisa abantwana kuvelisa uxinzeleko. Ngokomphumo, kusenokwenzeka ukuba ukuphathwa kakubi komntwana kwande ngokomlinganiselo wentsapho. Abantwana basenokuyandisa impatho embi nakwiqabane lomtshato, incwadi ethi Behind Closed Doors inikela le ngxelo: “Yingxwabangxwaba engabantwana ngokunokwenzeka eye ikhokelele kudushe lwesibini.”

Imbono Ephosakeleyo Ngobuni Bomntu

UDan Bajorek, olawula iqela lokunikela amacebiso eKhanada, uthi amadoda anempatho embi anembono ephosakeleyo ngamabhinqa: “Enoba anayiphi na imvelaphi, aye akhuliswa enenkolelo yokuba amadoda angawokuQala.” UHamish Sinclair, oyintloko kucwangciso lokunyamekela amadoda anempatho embi, uthi amadoda aqeqeshelwa ukuba akholelwe kwelokuba angaphezulu kunamabhinqa yaye kulilungelo lawo “ukuwohlwaya, ukuwaqeqesha okanye ukuwoyikisa.”

Kumazwe amaninzi indoda ijongwa njengenelungelo lokumphatha umfazi wayo njengento nje, njengayo nayiphi na enye yezinto zayo. Igunya layo lokumlawula nokumphatha umfazi wayo lijongwa njengomlinganiselo wobudoda nesidima sayo. Ngokufuthi abafazi babethwa ngokumasikizi baze kungenjalo baphathwe kakubi, yaye iinkqubo zasemthethweni azenzi nento ngoko ngenxa yokuba oko kusemthethweni kuloo mazwe: Indoda ingaphezulu, yaye ibhinqa lingaphantsi; limele linikele imbeko epheleleyo kuyo ingakhathaliseki indlela edeleke, enogonyamelo, ekhohlakele, okanye ezingca ngayo.

Unondaba kumabonwakude iCBS uMorley Safer wanikela le ngxelo ngelinye ilizwe lakuMzantsi Merika: “Ayikho enye indawo kuMzantsi Merika enonqulo lobudoda oluphawuleka ngakumbi . . . Lunwenwela kulo lonke ibutho labantu, kuquka nakwiinkundla zamatyala apho indoda inokwenza nayiphi na into eyifunayo ngaphandle kokoyika isohlwayo, ingakumbi ukuba ixhoba libhinqa.” Wathi “ayikho enye indawo emhlabeni ethob’ isidima amabhinqa” njengelo lizwe. Kodwa ukuphatha kwamadoda nokuthotyw’ isidima kwamabhinqa kwandile. Akuyonto ikho kwilizwe elinye, ingakhathaliseki indlela esenokuba kuqatha ngayo apho.

UMinna Schulman, ongumlawuli kwiziko elinyamekela ugonyamelo lwasekhaya nokugcinwa komthetho eNew York, wathi ugonyamelo lusisixhobo amadoda asisebenzisayo ukulondoloza ulawulo nokubonakalisa amandla negunya kwibhinqa. Wongezelela wathi: “Ugonyamelo lwasekhaya silujonga njengokusetyenziswa kakubi kwegunya nolawulo.”

Wambi amadoda abetha abafazi anengxaki yokuzidela, abangela kwaolo phawu kumaxhoba awo. Ukuba anokukwenza oko, ukuzihlonipha kwawo kuya kwaneliswa, yaye aya kuziva enomlinganiselo othile wobukhulu nowokulawula omnye umntu. Avakalelwa kukuba ngale ndlela azibonakalisa ubudoda bawo. Kanti, ngaba kunjalo? Ekubeni ugonyamelo lwawo elubonakalisa kumabhinqa anemizimba e-ethe-ethe, ngaba oko kungqina ukuba ngokwenene anamandla obudoda, okanye, endaweni yoko, ngaba kungqina ukuba awabhadlanga? Ngaba ngokwenene bubudoda into yokuba isigantsontso somfo sibethe ibhinqa elingenamandla nelingenakuzikhusela? Indoda elungileyo ibiya kubonakalisa ulwazelelelo novelwano ngabantu abangenamandla nabangenakuzikhusela, ingabaxhaphazi.

Enye imbonakaliso yokungabhadli kwendoda enempatho embi yinkalo yokuba ngokufuthi isoloko ilibeka kumfazi wayo ityala ngokuthi nguye oziqhwayela ukubethwa. Isenokudlulisela oku, okanye ide ithethe oku kuye: ‘Le nto akuyenzanga kakuhle. Yiyo le nto ndikubetha.’ Okanye: ‘Isidlo size kade, ngoko ufumana le nto uyifunayo.’ Engqondweni yendoda enempatho embi, nguye onetyala. Noko ke, asikho isiphoso selinye iqabane esithethelela ukubetha.

Ngaba Utywala Benza Umahluko?

Ekubeni utywala bunciphisa ukuzilawula yaye busandisa ukuba nokwenzeka kokwenza izinto ngokweemvakalelo, akumangalisi ukuba bambi bavakalelwe kukuba busenokuqhwaya impatho embi. Ngokufuthi umntu unako ukulawula iimvakalelo zokwenza ugonyamelo xa engaselanga, kodwa emva nje kwamathamo ambalwa, uba nempatho embi. Utywala buwanakalisile amandla akhe engqondo yaye buwanciphisile amandla akhe okulawula umsindo wakhe.

Noko ke, abanye bathi ingxaki ilele kuxinzeleko kunasetywaleni. Bathi umntu osebenzisa utywala ukuze amelane noxinzeleko ngumgubo wengxow’ enye nalowo usenokusebenzisa ugonyamelo ngaloo njongo. Oku kuthetha ukuba indla-manzi isenokuba nempatho embi xa ingaselanga ngendlela efanayo naxa inxilile. Sekunjalo, enoba lo mbandela uqiqwa ngayiphi na indlela, ngokuqinisekileyo utywala abuloncedo ekulawuleni iimvakalelo zikabani kodwa buya kusoloko busenza okwahlukileyo.

Indlela Amaziko Osasazo Aziphembelela Ngayo Izenzo Zoluntu

Bambi bathi, umabonwakude, ndawonye nezindlu zemiboniso bhanya-bhanya ezo zinto zikhuthaza ukunqulwa kwamadoda yaye zifundisa ukuba ugonyamelo luyindlela esemthethweni yokuqhubana neengxwabangxwaba nomsindo. Omnye umcebisi weentsapho uvuma oku: “Ndatsalwa yintsabelo yam enzulu kumfanekiso oshukumayo uRambo. Ngoxa kwingcinga yam [engaphakathi] yobuntu obukhulu ndandikoyika oko kubulala kukaRambo, imvakalelo yam [engaphakathi] yobuntwana yayimkhuthaza ukuba aqhubeke noko kubulala.”

Ekubeni abantwana abaninzi beqolozela kumabonwakude kangangamawakawaka eeyure yaye bechanabeke kule nkitha yezenzo zogonyamelo, ukudlwengula nokuthotyw’ isidima kwabanye abantu, ngokukodwa amabhinqa, akumangalisi ukuba abaninzi bakhule besenza kanye ezo zinto zichaseneyo nentlalo yobuntu kwabanye. Yaye asingobantwana kuphela abachaphazelekayo kodwa nabantu abakhulu.

Kwakhona, ngokukodwa kwiminyaka yakutshanje, umlinganiselo wemifanekiso yogonyamelo, ukuziphatha okubi nokuthotywa isidima kwamabhinqa njengokuba kuboniswa kumabonwakude nakwimifanekiso eshukumayo uye wanda ngokuphawulekayo. Ngokuqinisekileyo oku kuyayandisa imeko yogonyamelo lwasekhaya. Kunjengokuba iqela eliphandayo lafumanisa ukuba, kukho “ulwalamano olucacileyo . . . phakathi kokubukela ugonyamelo nokuziphatha kwenkohlakalo.”

Umphumo Wokuzahlula

Namhlanje ubomi kukungabi nabuntu nokuba yinkomo edla yodwa kwabaninzi. Iivenkile ezinkulu neevenkile zesaphulelo ziye zathabathel’ indawo ukuthengwa kwezinto kwiivenkile eziselumelwaneni. Ukuhlaziywa kweedolophu, iingxaki zezoqoqosho nokungaqeshwa kunyanzelela iintsapho ukuba zingazinzi. Umlinganiselo ophakamileyo wogonyamelo lwasekhaya ufumaneka phakathi kwabo bangenalo ulwalamano olomeleleyo lwasekuhlaleni.

UJames C. Coleman, kwincwadi yakhe ethi Intimate Relationships, Marriage, and the Family, ucacisa isizathu sokuba acinge ukuba oku kunjalo. Uvakalelwa kukuba ukuba yinkom’ edla yodwa kunciphisa incoko enentsingiselo yaye kwenza kube nzima ngalowo unempatho embi ukuyibona imeko yakhe njengokuba injalo aze afune uncedo kumhlobo wakhe othembekileyo. Ukungabi nabahlobo nezalamane ezisondeleyo ezinokuma njengamandla okumdambisa kwenza umntu ukuzingca kwakhe akwenze ngokulula, ekubeni ingcinga yakhe ephosakeleyo ingachaswa mihla le ngabanye abasondeleyo kuye. Kunjengokuba IMizekeliso 18:1 isithi: “Ozahlulayo ufuna umnqweno wakhe; into yonke ezimasayo uyayivungamela.”

Uncedo Kwintsapho Enogonyamelo

Siye nje sakha phezulu kwiinkcazelo ezinikelweyo ezingogonyamelo lwasekhaya. Zikho nezinye. Ekubeni siye sabachaza abanye oonobangela, ngoku kufuneka sihlolisise izicombululo. Ukuba ubani ukwintsapho enogonyamelo, loo nkqubo yokuphathwa kakubi inokupheliswa njani? Iyintoni imbono yeBhayibhile? Ngaba ugonyamelo lwasekhaya luya kuze luphele? Inqaku elikwiphepha 10 liya kuhlolisisa le mibuzo.

[Ibhokisi/Umfanekiso okwiphepha 9]

Ugonyamelo Olungokweemvakalelo—Ukuthwaxa Kanobom Ngamazwi

KWIMPATHO embi engokwasemzimbeni kuhlaselwa ngamanqindi; kwimpatho embi engokweemvakalelo kuhlaselwa ngamazwi. Ekuphela komahluko okhoyo lukhetho lwezixhobo. Kunjengokuba IMizekeliso 12:18 isithi: “Kukho ophololoza njengokuhlaba kwekrele; ke lona ulwimi lwezilumko luyaphilisa.”

Luyingozi kangakanani ugonyamelo olungokweemvakalelo, kuquka ‘nokuhlaba okunjengokwekrele’? UGqr. Susan Forward ubhala oku: “Imiphumo iyafana [naleyo yempatho embi engokwasemzimbeni]. Uba noloyiko, uziva ungenakuzinceda, yaye ukwakwintlungu efanayo,” ngokweemvakalelo.

Ugonyamelo olungokweemvakalelo kwiqabane lomtshato: Omnye owayelixhoba kangangethuba elide wathi: “Ugonyamelo lwasemtshatweni aluyonto nje ingokwasemzimbeni. Inxalenye yalo enkulu, mhlawumbi eyeyona inkulu, yengokwamazwi nengokweemvakalelo.” Impatho embi isenokuquka ukuthukwa, ukungxoliswa, ukugxekwa ngokuzingisileyo, izithuko ezithob’ isidima nezisongelo zogonyamelo olungokwasemzimbeni.

Amagqabaza agxibhayo, athobayo okanye oyikisayo anokwenza ingozi enzulu. Njengamanzi athontsiza elityeni, izikweko ezidimazayo zisenokubonakala zingenabungozi ekuqaleni. Kodwa ngokukhawuleza ukuzihlonela kuyakhukuliseka. Elinye ibhinqa lathi: “Ukuba kwakufuneke ndikhethe phakathi kwempatho embi engokwasemzimbeni nengokwamazwi, ngawo onke amaxesha ndandiya kukhetha ukubethwa. Usenokubona iziva, ngoko ubuncinane abantu basenokuvelana nawe. Impatho embi engokwamazwi, ikuphazamis’ ingqondo. Amanxeba awabonakali. Akukho bani ukukhatheleleyo.”

Ugonyamelo olungokweemvakalelo emntwaneni: Oku kusenokuquka ukugxeka nokugxibha ngokuzingisileyo imbonakalo yomntwana, ingqiqo, ubuchule, okanye ukuxabiseka kwakhe njengomntu. Ukunyemba kuyingozi ngokukhethekileyo. Ngokufuthi amagqabaza okunyemba abantwana bawathabatha njengokuba enjalo, bengakwazi ukwahlula phakathi koko kuthethwe ngokwenene noko kuthethwe “kuqhulwa.” Ingcali yezamayeza entsapho uSean Hogan-Downey uthi: “Umntwana uziva ebuhlungu, kodwa wonke ubani uyahleka, ngoko ufunda ukungazithembi iimvakalelo zakhe.”

Ngaloo ndlela, kwiimeko ezininzi, kukho ubunyaniso obuthile koko kwathethwa ngumbhali-mbali waseSkotlani nokwangumbhali wezincoko uThomas Carlyle owakha wathi: “Ukunyemba ngoku ndiyakubona ukuba, ngokubanzi, kuyintetho kaMtyholi; ngenxa yeso sizathu, ukususela kwakudala, ndiye ndakuchasa.”

UJoy Byers, oyingcali yabantwana abaxhatshazwayo, uthi: “Impatho embi engokwasemzimbeni isenokumbulala umntwana, kodwa usekwanokumbulala umoya, yaye oko koko uhlobo lwamagqabaza aphosakeleyo omzali azingisileyo anokukwenza.” Iphephancwadi iFLEducator lithi: “Ngokungafaniyo nenxeba elinokuphawuleka lize linyamalale, impatho embi engokweemvakalelo ibangela iinguqulelo ezingenakubonwa kwingqondo yomntwana nakubuntu bakhe ezithi ngokusisigxina ziguqule indlela ayiyo nendlela yokuqhubana nabanye.”

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 7]

Ukuchanabeka kugonyamelo kunempembelelo enamandla ekuziphatheni kwabantwana kwixesha elizayo