Umtshato—Isizathu Sokuba Uninzi Luwushiye

ISALATHISELA ingqalelo kuqhawulo-mtshato olukhoyo eHong Kong, apho iinkqubo zebutho laseMpuma naseNtshona zikho macala onke, iAsia Magazine yathi: “Ukungancokolisani, ukungathembeki, iingxaki ezingokwesini nokungavisisani ngokuqhelekileyo zizinto ezibangela umlo kwimitshato yezibini zaseTshayina naseNtshona.” Oku kukwayinto efanayo kuyo yonke indawo ehlabathini.

Amadoda nabafazi abanesimo sengqondo sokubeka phambili imisebenzi yabo yempangelo bayakhawuleza ukuncama iintsapho zabo ngenxa yomsebenzi wabo. Ngaloo ndlela, bayakuthintela ukuncokolisana njengentsapho. Idiniwe emva komsebenzi wemini, indoda iqolozela kwiphephandaba. UJunichi nomfazi wakhe babeneshishini leevenkile ezintathu zokutyela yaye babesebenza ukususela ngentsimbi yesibhozo kusasa de kube yeyeshumi ngokuhlwa kwiindawo ezahlukeneyo. UJunichi uvuma esithi: “Phantse ukuba kwakungekho kuncokolisana phakathi kwethu njengendoda nomfazi.” Oku kungancokolisani kwakhokelela kwiingxaki ezinzulu zomtshato.

Omnye unobangela okhokelela ekuqhekekeni komanyano lomtshato yindlela abantu abazijonga ngayo iintlobano zesini ezingaphandle komtshato. Ngoku ukuba neentlobano zesini ngaphandle komtshato kwande gqitha kangangokuba ama-20 ekhulwini amadoda nesi-8 ekhulwini sabafazi ekwenziwa uhlolisiso kubo eJapan bavuma ukuba baba neentlobano zesini kulwalamano olungaphandle komtshato wabo phakathi kunyaka odluleyo. Asinto ingaqhelekanga ukuba umfazi ophangelayo eJapan abe wakha wanolwalamano namanye amadoda ngaphandle komyeni wakhe. Wayesithi ekule indoda abe ekuleya, enale ngcamango, “Ukuba kunokwenzeka umyeni wam akufumanise oku, ndiya kusuke nje ndimale.” Ibutho lanamhlanje likuqwabazel’ iliso oku kuthandana okungaphandle kweqhina lomtshato.

Kwaeli butho linye likhuthaza isimo sengqondo sokuba ndim kuqala, ngaloo ndlela indoda nomfazi baba ngabaxhalabele iziqu zabo, nto leyo ekhokelela kukungavisisani, okungomnye unobangela wokuqhawula umtshato. UKiyoko uthi: “Njengesibini sasisenokwahlukana nanini na. Kungekudala emva kokuba sitshatile, umyeni wam wandixelela ukuba ndibe njengerobhoti ndize ndenze nje oko andixelela kona. Xa izinto zazimhambela kakuhle, kwakungabi kubi kangako, kodwa xa izinto zimguqukela, wayedla ngokungazivumi iimpazamo zakhe aze ityala alibeke kwabanye. Nam ndandibekwa ityala, ekubeni ndandidla ngokuvukela igunya lakhe. Ndakufumanisa kunzima gqitha ukumthobela umyeni wam xa wayesenza ngokungekho sikweni.”

Ezinye izizathu zokuqhawula umtshato lugonyamelo nobunxila, iingxaki zemali, ukungavisisani nabantu basebukhweni okanye basemzini nokuphathwa kakubi ngokwasengqondweni.

Uyintoni Unobangela Wako Konke Oku?

Kungakhathaliseki indlela ezahlukahlukene ngayo izizathu zokuqhawula umtshato, kukho enye into engunobangela wokuphakama kwenani lako zwenibanzi. Nangona iMpuma ibek’ ityala ibutho labantu baseNtshona ngenxa yempembelelo yabo ebabangele ingxaki, ukwamkelwa ngokusesikweni koqhawulo-mtshato eNtshona kuyinto entsha. Enyanisweni, uqhawulo-mtshato olwenziwa eUnited States luye lwaphindaphindeka kathathu yaye eBritani luye lwaphindaphindeka kane kwithuba nje elingaphezu kwamashumi ambalwa eminyaka adluleyo. UAndrew J. Cherlin weThe Urban Institute (intlangano yophando ephengulula iingxaki zentlalo nezoqoqosho eUnited States), nangona evuma ukuba oonobangela bokuphakama kwenani loqhawulo-mtshato abaqondwa kakuhle, ubala “ukwanda kokuzimela geqe kwamabhinqa kwezoqoqosho” “nokuguquka kwesimo sengqondo sebutho labantu ngokubanzi” njengezinto eziphakathi koonobangela balo mkhwa.

Kumabhinqa aseUnited States, nalawo akumazwe ahambele phambili kwezorhwebo, ukutshata aze asebenze kude namakhaya awo akuseyonto ingaqhelekanga. Noko ke, ukuba nenxaxheba kwendoda kwimisetyenzana yasendlwini kuye kwadodobala gqitha. Akumangalisi ukuba wambi amabhinqa aye ambombozela athi: “Eyona nto ifunwa libhinqa ngalinye eliphangelayo ngumfazi!”

EUnited States, ngoxa amabhinqa ebila esoma esenza imisebenzi enjengokuhlamba impahla, ukucoca, ukulungiselela izidlo nokunyamekela abantwana, incwadi ethi The Changing American Family and Public Policy ithi, “amadoda amaninzi achitha ixesha lawo ‘ebuthile.’” Abo bafunda ngemekobume yabantu bathi, oku kwenzeka ehlabathini jikelele. EJapan asinto ingaqhelekanga ukuba amadoda ngokubanzi ahambe nje aye kuzonwabisa emva komsebenzi. Ema ngelithi oku kuyinto afanele ayenze ukuze abe nolwalamano oluhle nabantu asebenza kunye nabo, ngoxa ekutyeshela ukuba nolwalamano oluhle nabantu basekhaya. Ekubeni amadoda, ngokwendlela aqiqa ngayo, engabondli bosapho, abafazi nabantwana abamele bakhalaze. Noko ke, ekubeni kukho abafazi abangakumbi abasebenzayo, ukucinga okulolo hlobo kubonakala ikukuzithethelela nje.

Omnye unobangela oyintloko ofak’ isandla ekusileleni komtshato “kukuguquka okukhoyo kwesimo sengqondo sebutho labantu ngokubanzi” okanye, njengoko iJournal of Marriage and the Family ikubeka, “kukuhla kokuxatyiswa komtshato ohlal’ uhleli.” Kubatshakazi nabayeni beminyaka yee-1990, isifungo esingokwesithethe somtshato esithi “siya kwahlulwa kukufa” asisenantsingiselo. Bayaqhubeka nephulo lokufuna iqabane elilunge ngakumbi. Ukuba leyo yindlela izibini ezisandul’ ukutshata ezilujonga ngayo umanyano lwazo, luya komelela kangakanani?

Ezi nguqulelo zenzekayo entlalweni azibamangalisi konke konke abafundi beBhayibhile. Le ncwadi iphefumlelweyo ityhila ukuba ukususela kowe-1914 besiphila ‘kwimihla yokugqibela,’ ‘engamaxesha anzima.’ Abantu abakhoyo ‘ngabathandi beziqu zabo, abangabuleliyo, abanganyanisekanga, abangenabuntu, abangaxoleli mntu.’ (2 Timoti 3:1-3, TE) Ngoko kubantu abathanda iziqu zabo ngaphezu kwamaqabane abo, abanganyanisekanga kumaqabane abo, nabangaxoleliyo emtshatweni wabo, uqhawulo-mtshato luba kuphela kwendlela yokukhululeka kwiingxaki zabo zomtshato.

Ngaba Lusisikhokelo Esisa Kubomi Obonwabisa Ngakumbi?

Kwiimeko ezininzi, uqhawulo-mtshato alukhange lungqineke lusisikhokelo esisa elonwabeni.a Emva kweminyaka eli-15 yokwenza uhlolisiso kwizibini ezingama-60 eziqhawule umtshato, uJudith Wallerstein ophanda ngezigulo zengqondo uthi: “Uqhawulo-mtshato luyakhohlisa. Ngokwasemthethweni luyinto eyenzeka nje isihlandlo esinye, kodwa ngokwasengqondweni lungcelele—maxa wambi lungcelele olungaphele ndawo—lweziganeko, ulwalamano oluqhawuka luhlangana nolungathembekanga olwenzeka ngaphezu kwesihlandlo esinye sexesha.” Uhlolisiso lwakhe lubonisa ukuba ubomi bomfazi omnye kwabane nobendoda enye kumadoda amahlanu abukhange bubuyele kwimeko yabo eqhelekileyo emva kweshumi leminyaka beqhawule umtshato.

Abona bantu baba ngamaxhoba ngokukhethekileyo ngabantwana babazali abaqhawule umtshato. Ngokusuka kuhlolisiso olukwalunye, lo kaWallerstein wafumanisa ukuba phantse kubo bonke abantwana ababandakanyekileyo, uqhawulo-mtshato luvelise “imiphumo enamandla nebingalindelwanga kwaphela.” Bambi abantwana abangavumiyo ukuvakalisa naziphi na iimvakalelo ezibuhlungu abanazo ngoqhawulo-mtshato lwabazali babo basenokufumanisa iimvakalelo ezilolo hlobo zivela ngequbuliso kamva kubomi babo xa befuna iqabane lomtshato.

Oku akuthethi ukuba onke amaxhoba oqhawulo-mtshato awanakuze afumane lonwabo, ekubeni athile elufumana. Kwaba, ubuntu obuphinde balungelelana buyavela, ngokuqhelekileyo busuka kubuntu obudala. Ngokomzekelo, wakuba umothuko wokuqhawula umtshato kunye nentlungu ehambisana nako kunye namathandabuzo okuzixabisa edlulile, iqabane elimsulwa lisenokuphuma kwesi silingo sinzima lomelele ngakumbi, linamandla angakumbi, lingumntu ohlaziyiweyo.

Omnye umfazi ondoda yakhe yamshiyayo isiya kuhlala nelinye ibhinqa uthi emva kokuba intlungu nomsindo zidambile, “uzifumanisa ungumntu owahlukileyo ngaphakathi. Ufumanisa ukuba iimvakalelo zakho ziguqukile. Awunakuze ube ngumntu obunguye ngaphambili.” Ucebisa ngelithi: “Zinike ixesha lokuzijonga njengomntu kwakhona. Ngokuqhelekileyo emtshatweni izinto amaqabane azithandayo nazinqwenelayo ayazincama ngenxa yokuthobela omnye umntu, kodwa emva kokuba eqhawule umtshato, ngoku ubani kufuneka azinike ixesha lokufumanisa akuthandayo nangakuthandiyo. Ukuba uyazingcwaba iimvakalelo zakho, uzingcwaba ziphila. Ngenye imini ziya kuvela, yaye kuya kufuneka ujamelane nazo. Ngoko kusenokufuneka ujamelane neemvakalelo zakho uze uqhubeke nazo.”

Ngenxa yokuqondwa okwandayo kweengxaki eziziswa luqhawulo-mtshato, aluseyonto inomtsalane ekubhenelwa kuyo. Iphephancwadi iTime linikela ingxelo yokuba ngoku iqaqobana elandayo labacebisi likhuthaza izibini ezisengxakini ngale ndlela: “Hlalani kunye.” UDavid Elkind weYunivesithi yaseTufts wabhala wathi: “Ukuba namava oqhawulo-mtshato ubuncinane kunokufaniswa nokwaphuka umlenze kumdlalo wokutyibilika emkhenkceni: Lingakhathaliseki inani labanye abantu abaphuka imilenze kulo mdlalo, oko akukwenzi ungaziva iintlungu zokwaphuka umlenze.”

Uqhawulo-mtshato aluyondlela elula yokuphuma kwiingxaki zomtshato. Ngoko, yiyiphi indlela elunge ngakumbi yokucombulula ukungavisisani emtshatweni?

[Umbhalo osemazantsi]

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