Ucelomngeni Lokunyamekela Umguli
“MAXA wambi ndandiye ndibawele ukubhungca kule meko. Kodwa wayexhomekeke kum ngakumbi kunangaphambili. Maxa wambi ndandiziva ndililolo ngokwenene.”—UJeanny, owayenyamekela umyeni wakhe oneminyaka engama-29 ubudala kangangeenyanga ezili-18 ngaphambi kokuba abulawe lithumba elisebuchotsheni.a
“Maxa wambi uMama uye andicaphukise, ndize ndizive ndiphoxekile emva koko. Ndiziva ndingento yanto xa ndiye ndasilela.”—URose, oneminyaka engama-59 ubudala, owayenyamekela umama wakhe ongakwazi kuzenzela nto oneminyaka engama-90 ubudala, nowayelele ngandletyana nye.
Ukwazi ukuba ubani ugulela ukufa okanye unesifo esinganyangekiyo kunokushiya intsapho nabahlobo benxunguphele. UJeanne Munn Bracken uthi kwincwadi ethi Children With Cancer: “Xa kufunyaniswa isifo esithile, ntsapho nganye iziva ishiyiwe. Kusenokuba akukho mntu imaziyo owakha wanesi sifo.” Yaye amaxesha amaninzi oku kuyishiya “idakumbile yaye imi nematha,” njengokuba wayenjalo uElsa xa wafumanisa ukuba umhlobo wakhe osenyongweni oneminyaka engama-36 ubudala uBetty wayenomhlaza. USue owayegulelwa nguyise “waxheleka ngaphakathi waza waphelelwa lithemba” xa ekugqibeleni wafumanisa ukuba uyise wayeza kubulawa ngumhlaza.
Amalungu entsapho nabahlobo ngequbuliso basenokuzibhaqa sele kufuneka benze umsebenzi wokunyamekela—belungiselela iintswelo ezingokwenyama nezingokweemvakalelo zomguli. Kusenokufuneka alungiselele izidlo ezinesondlo, abe liliso kwindlela awasebenzisa ngayo amayeza, alungiselele isithuthi sokumsa kwagqirha, alungiselele iindwendwe ezize kubona umguli, abhale iileta zalo mguli, enze nezinye izinto ezingakumbi. Imisebenzi enjalo idla ngokufika sele enezinye izinto axakeke zizo.
Noko ke, njengoko imeko yomguli isiba maxongo, umsebenzi wokumnyamekela uba nzima ngakumbi. Yintoni enokuqukwa koku? UElsa udanduluka athi ngomhlobo wakhe olele ngandletyana nye uBetty: “Yonke into! Ukumhlamba nokumtyisa, ukumnceda xa ehlanza, nokuchitha iingxowa azisebenzisayo zomchamo.” Nangona wayesebenza ixesha elizeleyo, uKathy kwafuneka anyamekele unina owayegula. USue, okhankanywe ngaphambilana, usixelela ukuba “wayebhala phantsi ubushushu [bukayise] emva kwesiqingatha seyure nganye, athobe ubushushu bomzimba xa bunyuka, aze amtshintshe iimpahla zakhe neengubo neeshiti zomandlalo emva kweeyure ezimbalwa.”
Ukuze bamnyamekele kakuhle umguli, kufanele kuxhalatyelwe impilo-ntle yabo bamnyamekelayo. Kodwa, iimvakalelo neemfuno zabo banyamekela abagulayo zidla ngokungasiwa so. Ukuba ukunyamekela umntu bekuya kuphumela nje kwimiqolo namagxa abuhlungu bekuya kuba nzima ngokwaneleyo. Kodwa, njengoko abo banyamekela abantu beya kukuxelela, ukunyamekela umntu kuyichaphazela kakhulu indlela ovakalelwa ngayo.
“Kwakubangela Iintloni Gqitha”
IThe Journals of Gerontology inikela le ngxelo: “Ngokufuthi uhlolisiso luchaza unxunguphalo olubangelwa yindlela engekho ngqiqweni nebangela iintloni [umguli] enza ngayo izinto, nokufane nje athethe.” Ngokomzekelo, uGillian uchaza okwenzeka emva kokuba umhlobo wakhe kwiintlanganiso zamaKristu wacela ukubona unina owayesele ekhulile. Ebuhlungu uGillian ukhumbula oku: “UMama wasuka nje wakhangeleka edidekile yaye akazange aphendule. Kwakubangela iintloni gqitha yaye zasuka zehla iinyembezi.”
UJoan, onomyeni onesifo sokudodobala kwengqondo uthi: “Yenye yezona zinto ekunzima ukuhlangabezana nazo.” Uchaza athi: “Simbangela enze izinto ngendlela ebangel’ iintloni. Xa sisitya kwiivenkile zokutyela nabanye, maxa wambi uya kwezinye iitafile kwigumbi lokutyela, angcamle ijam, aze alibuyisele kwakwisitya sejam elo cephe alimuncileyo. Xa sityelela abamelwane, usenokutshica kwindledlana ephakathi kwesitiya. Isoloko inkenteza engqondweni yam into yokuba mhlawumbi abanye abantu bayathetha ngale mikhwa yaye mhlawumbi bamgqala njengongenasimilo ngokupheleleyo. Oku kudla ngokundishiya ndibhuqwa ngumvandedwa.”
“Ndandisoyika Ukuba, Ukuba Sasingakhathali . . .”
Ukunyamekela othandekayo ogula ngokungaginyisi mathe koyikisa gqitha. Umntu onyamekela umguli usenokoyika okuya kwenzeka njengoko ukugula kuthabath’ unyawo—mhlawumbi esoyika nokufa kwalo mntu amthandayo. Kwakhona usenokoyika ukuba akasayi kuba nawo amandla okwanelisa iimfuno zomguli.
UElsa usichaza ngolu hlobo isizathu sokuba oyike: “Ndandisoyika ukuba ndandinokumenzakalisa emzimbeni uBetty, ngaloo ndlela ndimbandezela ngakumbi, okanye ndenze into eya kwenza ubomi bakhe bube bufutshane.”
Maxa wambi izinto ezoyikwa ngumguli uzoyika ngokufanayo umntu omnyamekelayo. USue wathi: “Utata wayekoyika gqitha ukutsarhwa yaye maxa wambi wayedla ngokutyhwatyhwa. Ndandisoyika ukuba, ukuba sasingakhathali wayeya kutsarhwa aze ngaloo ndlela ehlelwe yeyona nto ayoyika gqitha.”
“Usenokuba Buhlungu Ngenxa Yendlela Ababefudula Beyiyo”
Incwadi ethi Caring for the Person With Dementia ithi: “Intlungu iqhelekile kwabo banyamekela ababathandayo abayimilwelwe. Njengoko ukugula kwalo mntu kuthabatha unyawo, usenokuziva uphulukene neqabane nolwalamano obelubalulekile kuwe. Usenokuba buhlungu ngenxa yendlela ababefudula beyiyo.”
UJennifer uchaza indlela intsapho yakowabo eyachaphazeleka ngayo yimpilo kanina eyayisiba maxongo ngokuthe ngcembe: “Sasibuhlungu gqitha. Sasiyikhumbula incoko yakhe ebangela umdla. Sasikhathazeke gqitha.” UGillian uthi: “Ndandingafuni umama afe, ibe ndandingafuni ukuba abandezeleke. Ndandisoloko ndinyembezana.”
“Ndaziva Ndityeshelwe Yaye Ndinomsindo”
Umntu onyamekela umguli usenokuzibuza: ‘Kutheni oku kusenzeka kum? Kutheni abanye bengandincedisi? Ababoni ukuba ndiyoyisakala? Ngaba lo mguli akanakuba nentsebenziswano ngakumbi?’ Maxa wambi, umntu onyamekela umguli usenokuba lugcwabevu ngumsindo ngenxa yokuba kusenokubonakala ngokungathi umguli namanye amalungu entsapho abamcingeli. URose, okhankanywe kwingabula-zigcawu, uthi: “Ngokufuthi ndiye ndicaphuke—ngaphakathi. Kodwa uMama uthi ndibonakala aph’ ebusweni.”
Lowo unyamekela umguli usenokuthwal’ imhemhe yomsindo neentsizi zomguli. Kwincwadi ethi Living With Cancer, uGqr. Ernest Rosenbaum uthi abanye abaguli “maxa wambi basenokuziva benomsindo yaye bedandathekile zinto ezo abanokuzikhuphela kumntu okufuphi kubo . . . Lo mntu udla ngokucatshukiswa zizinto ezingenamsebenzi, zinto ezo ebezingamcaphukisi ngokuqhelekileyo.” Kuyaqondakala ukuba, oku kunokubashiya bedandathekile abo abathandayo abawa bevuka besenza konke okusemandleni abo ukunyamekela lo mguli.
Ngokomzekelo, uMaria wenza umsebenzi oncomekayo ekunyamekeleni umhlobo wakhe owayegulel’ ukufa. Noko ke, ngamathuba athile, umhlobo wakhe wayebonakala ekhathazeka msinya yaye wayefikelela kwizigqibo eziphosakeleyo. UMaria uthi: “Wayethanda ukuphoxa nokuba krwada, abashiye bedanile abahlobo bakhe.” Oku kwamchaphazela njani uMaria? “Ngelo xesha, kwakubonakala ngathi ‘ndiyayiqonda’ imeko yalo mguli. Kodwa xa ndakucingisisayo oku kamva, ndaziva ndityeshelwe, ndinomsindo, ndingaqinisekanga—yaye ndingenamdla wokubonakalisa uthando olufunekayo.”
Uhlolisiso olwapapashwa kwiThe Journals of Gerontology lwaqukumbela ngelithi: “Ngenxa yeemeko ezivela xa unyamekela umguli uba nomsindo ngokugqithiseleyo [yaye] maxa wambi uphelela ekubeni lugonyamelo lokwenene nolucetyiweyo.” Abaphengululi bafumanise ukuba phantse umntu omnye kubantu abahlanu abanyamekela othile woyika ukuba usenokuba nogonyamelo. Yaye ngaphezu komnye kwabangama-20 ulubonakalisa ngokwenene ugonyamelo kumguli amnyamekelayo.
“Ndiziva Ndinetyala”
Abantu abaninzi abanyamekela abaguli bathwaxwa kanobom ziimvakalelo zokuziva benetyala. Maxa wambi baziva benetyala emva kokuba bebonakalise umsindo—okuthetha ukuba, baziva benetyala ngenxa yokuba besiba nomsindo maxa wambi. Iimvakalelo ezinjalo zisenokubatyhafisa ukusa kumlinganiselo wokuba bazive bengenakuqhubeka nalo msebenzi.
Kwezinye iimeko, akubikho kwenza ngakumbi ngaphandle kokuba umguli asiwe kwiziko lezonyango okanye esibhedlele ukuze anyanyekelwe khona. Esi inokuba sisigqibo esinzima esinokumenza buhlungu lowo unyamekela umguli. UJeanne uthi: “Xa ekugqibeleni kwanyanzeleka ukuba ndise uMama kwikhaya labakhulileyo, ndavakalelwa kukuba ndandimkhanyela, yaye ndimlahla.”
Enoba umguli ulaliswe esibhedlele, okanye akunjalo, abantu abamthandayo basenokuziva benetyala lokuba abamnyamekeli ngokwaneleyo. UElsa wathi: “Ndandisoloko ndisiva intw’ embi kuba ndandinexesha elincinane kakhulu. Maxa wambi umhlobo wam wayengafuni ndimshiye.” Kwakhona basenokuxhalatyiswa zezinye iimbopheleleko zentsapho abangazifeziyo, ingakumbi ukuba lowo unyamekela umguli uchitha ixesha elininzi esibhedlele okanye umele asebenze iiyure ezongezelelekileyo ukuze ahlawule iindleko ezinyukayo. Omnye umama wakhalaza esithi: “Kufuneka ndisebenze ukuze ndihlawule iindleko, kodwa ndiziva ndinetyala kuba andikwazi ukuba sekhaya ukuze ndinyamekele abantwana bam.”
Licacile elokuba, abo banyamekela abaguli bayifuna ngokwenene inkxaso, ingakumbi emva kokufa kwalowo bebemnyamekela. UGqr. Fredrick Sherman waseHuntington, eNew York uthi: “Owona msebenzi wam unzima [emva kokufa komguli] . . . kukunciphisa iimvakalelo zokuba netyala kumntu onyamekela umguli, ngokufuthi ezidla ngokugcinwa ziyindaba yakwamkhozi.”
Ukuba ezi mvakalelo zinokuhlala ziyindaba yakwamkhozi, zinokuba yingozi kumguli nakulowo umnyamekelayo. Ngoko, kuthekani ukuba, abo banyamekela abaguli bayatyhafiswa zezi mvakalelo? Ibe yintoni enokwenziwa ngabanye—amalungu entsapho nezihlobo—ukubanceda?
[Umbhalo osemazantsi]
a Wambi amagama aguquliwe.
[Ibhokisi ekwiphepha 5]
Musa Ukuyithabatha Lula Imeko Yabo!
UMYRNA I. LEWIS, ongunjingalwazi oncedisayo kwisebe lezonyango lwabantu eMount Sinai Medical School, eNew York uthi: “Siyazi ukuba ama-80 ekhulwini omsebenzi wokunyanyekelwa kwabantu abasele bekhulile ekhaya wenziwa ngamabhinqa.”
Olunye uhlolisiso olwenziwa kumabhinqa anyamekela abaguli, nolwapapashwa kwiThe Journals of Gerontology,b lwabonisa ukuba amabhinqa angama-61 ekhulwini athi akancediswa yintsapho okanye abahlobo bawo. Yaye angaphezu kwesiqingatha (angama-57,6 ekhulwini) athi abayeni bawo abawaxhasi ngokwaneleyo ngokweemvakalelo. Kwincwadi ethi Children With Cancer, uJeanne Munn Bracken ulikhupha litsole elokuba ngoxa kusenokuba kuthe zinzi emagxeni kamama umthwalo omkhulu wokunyamekela umguli, “utata usenokungamncedisi aze aqhubeke nomsebenzi wakhe.”
Noko ke, ngokutsho kukaGqr. Lewis, akho amadoda anegalelo elibonakalayo ekunyamekeleni abaguli. Ngokomzekelo, yinkungu nelanga yamadoda anabafazi abanesifo sika-Alzheimer. Yaye ngokuqinisekileyo abanalo uxinezeleko oluziswa kukunyamekela umntu ogulayo amthandayo. ULewis uhlabela mgama esithi: “Kusenokwenzeka ukuba la madoda ngawona aba sengxakini ngakumbi ngenxa yokuba ngokuqhelekileyo adla ngokuba madala ngeminyaka kunabafazi bawo yaye asenokuba nawo anempilo enkenenkene. . . . Inkoliso yawo ayizange ikuqeqeshelwe ukunyamekela umguli.”
Iintsapho kufuneka zilulumkele utyekelo lokuthwalisa uxanduva ilungu elinye elibonakala lihlangabezana kakuhle nolu celomngeni. Incwadi ethi Care for the Carer ithi: “Ngokufuthi iba lilungu elithile lentsapho elinyamekela umguli, maxa wambi oku kuphela sele kungumsebenzi walo. Uninzi lwabenza oku ngamabhinqa asele ekhulile. . . . Kwakhona amabhinqa ngokuqhelekileyo agqalwa njengakwaziyo ukunyamekela abaguli ‘ngokwemvelo’ . . . , kodwa iintsapho nezihlobo azifanele zikuthabathe lula oku.”
[Umbhalo osemazantsi]
b Igerontology ichazwa ngokuthi “zizifundo eziphathelele abantu abakhulileyo neengxaki zabo.”
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 6]
Abo banyamekela abaguli bafuna ukuxhaswa ukuze bahlangabezane nokuziva benetyala nomsindo