Ootata—Isizathu Sokuba Banyamalale

“Andikhumbuli uMama noTata besilwa okanye bexambulisana. Into endiyaziyo nje kukuba uTata wayekho kwaza ke—ngequbuliso!—ngenye imini wemka. Unanamhlanje andikamazi apho akhoyo utata. Andiziva ndisondele kuye.”—UBruce.

“Esikolweni yayindim kuphela umntwana owayengenabo bobabini abazali yaye ndandingenakhaya. . . Ndandisoloko ndivakalelwa kukuba ndiphume ndedwa. Ndandisoloko ndivakalelwa kukuba andifani nabanye oontanga bam.”—UPatricia.

INTLEKELE yeentsapho ezingenatata yaqala ngexesha lenguqulelo kwezorhwebo. Njengoko imisebenzi yemizi-mveliso yabangela ukuba amadoda ashiye amakhaya awo, ootata bayeka ukuba nempembelelo kwiintsapho zabo; oomama baba nomsebenzi omkhulu wokukhulisa abantwana.a Noko ke, ootata abaninzi bahlala neentsapho zabo. Noko ke, phakathi kwiminyaka yee-1960, eUnited States umkhamo woqhawulo-mtshato wenyuka ngendlela emangalisayo. Imiqobo yoqhawulo-mtshato njengonqulo, ezoqoqosho nemeko yasekuhlaleni yaqalisa ukuqhekeka. Beqhutywa ngamacebiso abo bazibiza ngokuba baziingcali ababesithi uqhawulo-mtshato lwalungeyongozi ebantwaneni kodwa lwalunokubalungela, izibini zaqalisa ukuqhawula imitshato ngendlela exhomisa amehlo. Incwadi ethi Divided Families—What Happens to Children When Parents Part ebhalwe nguFrank F. Furstenberg, Omnci, noAndrew J. Cherlin ithi: “EBelgium, eFransi naseSwitzerland umkhamo [woqhawulo-mtshato] uye waphindaphindeka kabini [ukususela ngeminyaka yee-1960], ngoxa eKhanada, eNgilani naseNetherlands uye waphindaphindeka kathathu.”

Nangona abantwana bedla ngokuhlala nomama wabo emva kokuba kuqhawulwe umtshato, ootata abaninzi abanyamalalayo bafuna ukuhlala benolwalamano nabantwana. Ukuba nelungelo kwabazali bobabini ebantwaneni yenye yeendlela edla ngokuconjululwa ngazo le meko. Sekunjalo, ootata abaninzi abaqhawule umtshato ababi nalwalamano kangako nabantwana babo. Olunye uhlolisiso lwatyhila ukuba kuphela ngumntwana om-1 kwaba-6 obona utata wakhe oqhawule umtshato veki nganye. Malunga nesiqingatha saba bantwana asikhange simbone uyise kangangonyaka wonke!

Ukusilela Kokuba Nelungelo Kwabazali Bobabini Ebantwaneni

Ukuze izibini eziqhawule umtshato zibe nelungelo ebantwaneni, kufuneka zisebenzisane ngendlela emangalisayo zize zithembane—mpawu ezo ekusoloko kunzima ukuba nazo. Abaphengululi uFurstenberg noCherlin bathi: “Isizathu esiyintloko sokuba ootata bayeke ukubona abantwana babo kukuba abafuni kuba nanto yakwenza nabafazi babo bangaphambili. Yaye amabhinqa amaninzi aba nesimo sengqondo esifanayo ngabayeni babo bangaphambili.”

Liyinyaniso elokuba, ootata abaninzi abaqhawule imitshato bababona rhoqo abantwana babo. Kodwa ngenxa yokuba bengasenanto yakwenza nendlela abaphila ngayo abantwana babo imihla ngemihla, kunzima ngabanye ukuziphatha njengootata xa behleli nabo. Abanye bakhetha ukudlala nabo, bechitha phantse lonke ixesha labo bekunye ekuzihlaziyeni nasekuthengeni. UAri oneminyaka eli-14 ubudala uthi xa echaza indlela ekuba yiyo xa etyelele uyise: “Akukho cwangciso lubekiweyo, ayikho nemiyalelo enjengokuba ‘Umele ube sekhaya ngecala emva kweyesihlanu.’ Kukhululekile nje. Yaye utata usoloko endithengela izipho.”—How It Feels When Parents Divorce, nguJill Krementz.

Ubawo onothando ufanele ‘akwazi ukunika abantwana bakhe izipho ezilungileyo.’ (Mateyu 7:11) Kodwa izipho azinakuthabatha ndawo yokhokelo noqeqesho olufunekayo. (IMizekeliso 3:12; 13:1) Xa umntu eyeka ukuba ngumzali aze adlale okanye abe lundwendwe nje ebantwaneni bakhe, ulwalamano lukatata nomntwana luyaphela nakanjani. Kolunye uhlolisiso kwafunyaniswa oku: “Uqhawulo-mtshato lunokulonakalisa ngokupheleleyo ulwalamano lukatata nomntwana.”—Journal of Marriage and the Family, kaMeyi 1994.

Ngenxa yokuba buhlungu nokuba nomsindo ngenxa yokwahlukaniswa nabantwana babo—okanye mhlawumbi ngenxa nje yokungakhathali—amanye amadoda ayazishiya iintsapho zawo, esilela ukuzixhasa ngemali.b (1 Timoti 5:8) Enye inkwenkwe ekwishumi elivisayo esentlungwini ithi: “Ayikho into entle endiyicingayo ngotata. Akasikhathalele, akukho nto asixhasa ngayo, yaye ndicinga ukuba loo nto linyala.”

Abazali Abangatshatanga

Amanani axhomileyo abantwana abazalwa ngokungekho mthethweni aye abangela ukukhula kwenani labantwana abangenatata. Incwadi ethi Fatherless America ithi: “Bamalunga nesinye kwisithathu xa bebonke abantwana abazalwa [eUnited States] ngoku abavela ngaphandle komtshato.” Kwiintsana ezimalunga nama-500 000 ezizalwa nyaka ngamnye ngabo baneminyaka eli-15 ukuya kutsho kwiminyaka eli-19 ubudala, bangama-78 ekhulwini abazalwa ngabakwishumi elivisayo abangatshatanga. Noko ke, ukumitha kwabakwishumi elivisayo kuyingxaki esehlabathini lonke. Yaye iinkqubo ezifundisa ngokuthintela inzala okanye ezifundisa ukuzikhwebula kwiintlobano zesini akukho nto ziyenzileyo ukuze zitshintshe iintlobano zesini kwabakwishumi elivisayo.

Incwadi ethi Teenage Fathers, ebhalwe nguBryan E. Robinson ithi: “Ukumitha ngaphandle komtshato akuselonyala nehlazo njengoko kwakunjalo ebudeni beminyaka yee-1960 ngenxa yokungalawuleki kwabantu ngokuphathelele isini nokumitha ngaphandle komtshato. . . . Kwakhona ulutsha lwanamhlanje lusoloko lungxalwa ngesini zizibhengezo, umculo, imifanekiso eshukumayo nomabonwakude. Amaziko eendaba aseMerika axelela abakwishumi elivisayo ukuba iintlobano zesini zivuselela uthando, zimnandi yaye ziyonwabisa ngaphandle kokubabonisa eyona miphumo yokwenene yokuziphatha vakalala okanye ukungakhathali ngokwesini.”

Ulutsha oluninzi lubonakala lungayiphaphelanga imiphumo yokuziphatha kakubi ngokwesini. Phawula amanye amagqabaza aweviwa ngumbhali uRobinson: “‘Ebengakhangeleki ngathi angamitha’; ‘Besisiba neentlobano zesini kanye ngeveki’; okanye ‘Andikhange ndiyicinge into yokuba ungamitha ngokukhawuleza kangaka.’” Kambe ke, amanye amakhwenkwe azi kakuhle ukuba iintlobano zesini zinokuphumela ekumitheni. Incwadi ethi Young Unwed Fathers ithi: “Kumakhwenkwe amaninzi [ezidolophini], iintlobano zesini luphawu lokuba unguthile phakathi kwabantu; ukuba neentlobano zesini kuba yintshinga ethile. Amanye amantombazana anikisa ngesini njengesipho ukuze afumane ingqalelo yamakhwenkwe.” Kwezinye izixeko, amakhwenkwe angakhange abe neentsana asenokugezelwa kuthiwe “anyulu”!

Kuye kusiba kubi ngokwenene xa ujonga iziphumo zohlolisiso olwenziwa ngowe-1993 koomama abasahamba isikolo eKhalifoniya. Kwafunyaniswa ukuba amantombazana amabini kwamathathu akamithiswa ngamakhwenkwe akwishumi elivisayo, kodwa amithiswa ngamadoda aneminyaka engaphezu kwengama-20 ubudala! Enyanisweni, olunye uhlolisiso lubonisa ukuba oomama abaninzi abangatshatanga abakwishumi elivisayo bangamaxhoba okuba neentlobano zesini ngaphambi kwexesha—okanye bangamaxhoba okuxhatshazwa kwabantwana. Ukwanda okulolo hlobo kokuxhaphaza kutyhila indlela elonakele neliqaqadeke ngayo ibutho labantu namhlanje.—2 Timoti 3:13.

Isizathu Sokuba Amakhwenkwe Anyamalale

Ambalwa amakhwenkwe akwishumi elivisayo aqhubeka enyamekela abantwana bawo. Yathi enye inkwenkwe isakukhulelwa intombi ebithandana nayo: “Ndamxelela ukuba, ‘Ndisemkile.’” Noko ke, njengoko inqaku leFamily Life Educator libonisa, “ootata abaselula abaninzi badla ngokufuna ngamandla ukuhlala ngokusondeleyo nabantwana babo.” Olunye uhlolisiso olwenziwa kootata abaselula abangatshatanga lwatyhila ukuba, abangama-70 ekhulwini babetyelela abantwana babo kanye ngeveki. Eli nqaku lilumkisa ngelithi: “Noko ke, njengoko aba bantwana bekhula, abasatyelelwa kangako.”

Omnye utata oneminyaka eli-17 ubudala washwankathela isizathu sokuba oko kube njalo, esithi: “Ukuba ndandiyazi indlela eza kuba nzima ngayo le nto, ngendandingazange ndiyivumele yenzeke.” Bambalwa abaselula abakhulileyo ngokweemvakalelo okanye abanamava okusingatha izinto ezilindelekileyo kumzali. Yaye bambalwa abafundileyo okanye abanobuchule bokuba bangaqeshwa ukuze bafumane imali yokuziphilisa. Kunokuba ajamelane nehlazo lokusilela, amakhwenkwe amaninzi asuka abashiye abantwana bawo. Omnye utata oselula wavuma ngelithi: “Ubomi bam buzele nje ziinkathazo.” Omnye ukhalaza ngelithi: “Kunzima ukuba ndizinyamekele; andazi ukuba ndingathini na xa kunokufuneka ndinyamekele [nonyana wam].”

Iidiliya Ezimuncu

Ngamaxesha okubhalwa kweBhayibhile, amaYuda ayenesaci esithi: “Abazali badla iidiliya ezimuncu, kodwa ngabantwana abeva ubumuncu.” (Hezekile 18:2, Today’s English Version) UThixo wawaxelela amaYuda ukuba kwakungeyomfuneko ukuba kube njalo, iimpazamo zexesha elidluleyo kwakungeyomfuneko ukuba ziphindwe kwixesha elizayo. (Hezekile 18:3) Noko ke, izigidi zabantwana namhlanje kubonakala ngathi zingcamla ubukrakra “beediliya ezimuncu” zabazali babo—behlawula isohlwayo sokungaqoli kwabazali babo, ukungakhathali kwabo nokungaphumeleli kwemitshato yabo. Luninzi uhlolisiso olubonisa ukuba abantwana abakhula bengenatata basengozini emzimbeni nasenyameni. (Bona ibhokisi ekwiphepha 7.) Eyona nto ibangela intlungu yeyokuba ikhaya elingenatata lisuka kwesinye isizukulwana liye kwesinye—liyintlungu nentlekele ehlala ihleli.

Ngaba iintsapho ezingenatata azinakuze ziphumelele? Akunjalo konke konke. Enyanisweni, iindaba ezimnandi zezokuba umjikelo wokungabi natata unokunqanyulwa. Inqaku elilandelayo liza kuxubusha ukuba kunokwenziwa njani oku.

[Imibhalo esemazantsi]

[Ibhokisi/Umfanekiso okwiphepha 7]

IINGOZI ZOKUKHULA NGAPHANDLE KOTATA

Ukukhula ngaphandle kotata kuyingozi kakhulu ebantwaneni. Nangona le nkcazelo ilandelayo inokubangela intlungu kwabanye xa becinga ngayo, ukuzazi ezi ngozi kulinyathelo lokuqala lokuzithintela okanye lokunciphisa umonakalo. Kwakhona, simele siqonde ukuba uhlolisiso lwenziwa kwiqela labantu kungekhona kubantu ngabanye. Abantwana abaninzi bakhulela kumakhaya angenatata ngaphandle kokufumana nokuba ibe nye kwezi ngxaki. Njengoko inqaku lokugqibela liza kubonisa, ukungenelela kwabazali nokusetyenziswa kwemigaqo yeBhayibhile kunokuzithomalalisa kakhulu ezi ngxaki zisenokuvela. Ngoko, khawuhlolisise ezinye iingozi ezisenokwehlela umntwana ongenatata.

◼ Basengozini Yokuxhatshazwa Ngokwesini

Uphengululo lubonisa ngokucacileyo ukuba umntwana ongenatata usengozini yokuxhatshazwa ngokwesini. Olunye uhlolisiso lwatyhila ukuba kubantwana abangama-52 000 abaye baxhatshazwa, “ama-72 ekhulwini ngabantwana abakhulela apho umzali wokwenene okanye bobabini bengekho.” Incwadi ethi Fatherless America ithi: “Eyona ngozi inkulu yokuxhatshazwa kwabantwana kwibutho lethu ngokuyintloko ibangelwa kukungabikho kootata abatshatileyo nokubakho kootata bomtshato wesibini, izithandane, namanye amadoda angezozizalwane zelo khaya okanye oomasihlalisane.”

◼ Basengozini Enkulu Yokuba Neentlobano Zesini Beselula

Ngenxa yokuba lingekho kakhulu iliso lomzali kwintsapho enomzali omnye, abaselula banamathuba amaninzi okuziphatha kakubi. Ukungaqeqeshwa kakuhle kusenokuba ngomnye unobangela. IU.S. Department of Health and Human Services ithi: “Amantombazana angakhuliswanga ngutata anamathuba amabini anesiqingatha okumitha.”

◼ Bangamahlwempu

Uhlolisiso oluye lwenziwa kumantombazana antsundu eMzantsi Afrika luye lwafumanisa ukuba ubuhlwempu ngumphumo oqhelekileyo wokuba ngumzali ongatshatanga. Umbhali wolu hlolisiso uthi: “Kwiimeko ezingama-50 ekhulwini, akufane kwenzeke ukuba okwishumi elivisayo abuyele esikolweni.” Oomama abaninzi abangatshatanga baphela bengoonongogo okanye bethengisa iziyobisi. Le meko ithwaxa namazwe aseNtshona. EUnited States, “li-10 ekhulwini labantwana abakwiintsapho ezinabazali bobabini elalithwaxwa bubuhlwempu [ngowe-1995], xa kuthelekiswa nama-50 ekhulwini eentsapho ezinoomama kuphela.”—America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being 1997.

◼ Abahoywa

Ngenxa yokuba kunyanzeleka ukuba baziphandele, abanye abazali abangenamaqabane bayasindwa ziimbopheleleko zabo yaye abakwazi ukuba nexesha abalichitha nabantwana babo. Omnye oqhawule umtshato ukhumbula oku: “Ndandisebenza emini ndisiya esikolweni ngokuhlwa—intloko yam yayixinene ngokwenene. Ndandingabahoyanga nje kwaphela abantwana bam.”

◼ Baxheleka Iintliziyo

Ngokwahlukileyo kwinto ethethwa zezinye iingcali yokuba abantwana bakhawuleza bachache emva kokuba kuqhawulwe umtshato, abaphengululi abanjengoGqr. Judith Wallerstein, baye bafumanisa ukuba uqhawulo-mtshato luyishiya intliziyo ixheleke intw’ engapheliyo. “Ngaphezu kwesinye kwisithathu sabafana namantombazana aphakathi kweminyaka elishumi elinesithoba namashumi amabini anesithoba ubudala abanabhongo emva kweminyaka elishumi abazali babo beqhawule umtshato. Baphila nje ubomi ngaphandle kokuba nosukelo . . . yaye bavakalelwa kukuba akukho nto banokuyenza ukuze bazincede.” (Second Chances, nguGqr. Judith Wallerstein noSandra Blakeslee) Ukuzijongela phantsi, ukudandatheka, ubunjubaqa nokusoloko benomsindo zizinto ezafunyaniswa kubantwana abaninzi abanabazali abaqhawule umtshato.

Incwadi ethi The Single-Parent Family ithi: “Uhlolisiso oluninzi oluye lwenziwa lubonisa ukuba amakhwenkwe akhule ngaphandle kwendoda engumzekelo ebomini bawo adla ngokungaziva enqabisekile ngobudoda bawo, adla ngokuzijongela phantsi yaye kamva ebomini bawo, adla ngokungakwazi ukwakha ulwalamano olusenyongweni. Iingxaki ezisenokubakho xa amantombazana ekhula ngaphandle komzekelo wendoda zisenokungabonakali de abe kwishumi elivisayo okanye kamva, yaye phakathi kwazo kudla ngokubakho ubunzima ekwakheni ulwalamano lwendoda nomfazi ebudaleni.”