Oko Iintsana Zikufunayo Noko Zikudingayo

UKUSUSELA ekuzalweni kwalo, usana lufuna ukuphathwa ngothando, ukudlaliswa nokwayanyiswa emzimbeni. Abanye oogqirha bakholelwa ukuba iiyure ezili-12 zokuqala emva kokuba usana luzelwe zibaluleke kakhulu. Bathi into efunwa ngumama nosana lwakhe emva kokuba luzelwe “asikokulala okanye ukutya, kukubambana ngothando bangane, bajongane emehlweni baphulaphulane.”a

Abazali badla ngokulufunqula usana lwabo balwange baludlalise baze baluwole. Nomntwana ke uye abathande abazali bakhe yaye uyayithanda nengqalelo ayifumana kubo. Olu lwalamano luyaqina kangangokuba abazali bancama nantoni na ukuze baqhubeke benyamekela usana lwabo.

Kwelinye icala, xa lungafumani thando lufudumeleyo lomzali, usana lunokuba buthathaka luze lufe. Ngoko ke, inkolelo yabanye oogqirha kukuba kubalulekile ukuba umama anikwe usana lwakhe ngoko nangoko xa egqiba kubeleka. Bacebisa ukuba umama ufanele ahlale nosana lwakhe olusandul’ ukuzalwa ubuncinane imizuzu engama-30 ukusa kwengama-60.

Nangona kubethelelwa ukuba kufanele kwakhiwe ulwalamano phakathi komama nosana lwakhe, kwezinye izibhedlele kusenokuba nzima ukudibanisa umama nosana lwakhe olusandul’ ukuzalwa. Iintsana zidla ngokungadityaniswa noonina ukuze zingasulelwa zizifo. Noko ke, obunye ubungqina bubonisa ukuba inani leentsana ezibulawa zizifo ezasulelayo linokuncipha xa iintsana ezisandul’ ukuzalwa zihlaliswa noonina. Ngoko ziya zisanda izibhedlele eziyamkelayo into yokuba umama achithe ixesha elithile nosana lwakhe olusandul’ ukuzalwa.

Inkxalabo Ngokuphathelele Ukwakhiwa Kolwalamano Phakathi Komama Nosana

Abanye oomama ababi nalwalamano lusondeleyo ngokukhawuleza neentsana zabo beqala nje ukuzibona. Ngoko baye bazibuze, ‘Ngaba ndiza kuba nengxaki yokwakha ulwalamano nosana lwam?’ Kuyavunywa ukuba asingabo bonke oomama abadla ngokuzithanda iintsana zabo beqala nje ukuzibona. Ukanti, akukho sizathu sakuxhalaba.

Kwanokuba umama akakhange aluthande ngoko nangoko usana lwakhe, ekuhambeni kwexesha uye aluthande. Omnye umama onamava uthi: “Akukho hlobo luthile lokubeleka olunokukwenza ugqibe ngolwalamano oluza kubakho phakathi kwakho nosana lwakho.” Sekunjalo, ukuba ukhulelwe yaye uziva uxhalabile, kusenokuba bubulumko ukuba lo mbandela uwuxubushe kusengaphambili nengcali yokubelekisa. Cacisa kakuhle ukuba unqwenela ukuba kunye nosana lwakho nini yaye ixesha elingakanani.

“Ndifuna Ukuncokola Nawe!”

Kubonakala ngathi kukho amathuba usana oluye lulungele ukufunda okuthile. Kodwa emva kwexesha elithile loo mathuba ayadlula. Ngokomzekelo, ingqondo yomntwana iyakhawuleza ukubamba iilwimi ezininzi. Kodwa kubonakala ngathi obo buchule bokufunda iilwimi ngokukhawuleza buyaphela xa umntwana emalunga neminyaka emihlanu ubudala.

Xa umntwana eneminyaka eli-12 ukusa kweli-14 ubudala kunokuba nzima ukuba afunde ulwimi olutsha. UPeter Huttenlocher oyingcali ngezifo zabantwana nesazi ngemithambo-luvo, uthi ngelo xesha “inani lee-synapses ezisengqondweni nezinokuthanani nokufundwa kolwimi olutsha liyehla.” Ngokucacileyo, iminyaka yokuqala yomntwana lelona xesha lifanelekileyo lokuba afunde iilwimi!

Iintsana zifunda njani ukuthetha, kuthetha oko kunokuthanani nobuchule bazo bokusebenzisa ingqiqo? Eyona ndlela iphambili ezifunda ngayo kuxa abazali bazo bethetha nazo. Iintsana zisabela ngakumbi kwizinto ezenziwa ngumntu. UBarry Arons we-Massachusetts Institute of Technology uthi: “Usana . . . lulinganisa ilizwi likanina.” Noko ke, okubangel’ umdla kukuba usana alulinganisi zonke izandi oluzivayo. Njengoko lo ka-Arons esitsho usana “xa lulinganisa unina alulinganisi nengxolo ethile etswinayo yezinye izinto eye yavakala ngaxeshanye nelizwi likanina.”

Abazali beentlanga ezahlukahlukeneyo bayaziteketisa iintsana zabo xa bethetha nazo. Njengoko umzali ethetha ngokunothando nosana lwakhe umlinganiselo wokubetha kwentliziyo yalo uyanda. Kuthiwa oku kunceda usana ukuba luyibambe msinya intsingiselo yamagama. Nokuba alutsho ngokoqobo, usana luthi kumzali: “Ndifuna ukuncokola nawe!”

“Ndijongeni!”

Kuye kwafunyaniswa ukuba kunyaka walo wokuqala, usana lusondela kakhulu kumntu omdala olunyamekelayo yaye ngokuqhelekileyo loo mntu idla ngokuba ngunina. Xa lunolwalamano olusondeleyo nonina, usana luye lubathande nabanye abantu ngokungafaniyo nezinye iintsana ezingasondelelananga nabazali bazo. Kuthiwa kufuneka luthi usana lusiba neminyaka emithathu ubudala lube sele lunalo olo lwalamano nonina.

Yintoni enokwenzeka kusana olungakhathalelwanga ngeli xesha libalulekileyo, ngexesha kanye ingqondo yalo ilungele ukufunda izinto ezintsha? UMartha Farrell Erickson, owachitha iminyaka engaphezu kwama-20 eqwalasele ngokusondeleyo indlela oomama abangama-267 ababaphatha ngayo abantwana babo, uthi: “Ukungakhathalelwa komntwana kumenza aye edakumba ngokuthe ngcembe de [umntwana] lowo aphelelwe ngumdla wokwakha ubuhlobo nabanye abantu.”

Ezama ukuveza imbono yakhe ngokuphathelele ubunzulu bemiphumo yokungakhathalelwa komntwana, uGqr. Bruce Perry osebenza kwi-Children’s Hospital yaseTexas uthi: “Ukuba ubunokuthi mandikhethe phakathi kokuba usana oluneenyanga ezi-6 ubudala lwaphulwe onke amathambo alo omzimba okanye luhlale kangangeenyanga ezimbini lungakhathalelwanga, bendiya kuthi kubhetele ulwaphule amathambo alo onke.” Ngoba? Lo kaPerry uthi: “Amathambo anokuphinda amile, kodwa ukuba usana luyatyeshelwa isithuba esingangeenyanga ezimbini kanye ngexesha obelufanele ukuba lukhathalelwe ngalo, luya kuphazamiseka engqondweni ngonaphakade.” Asingabo bonke abavumayo ukuba loo monakalo awunakulungiseka. Sekunjalo, uphando lwezazinzulu lubonisa ukuba ukunyanyekelwa kosana olusakhulayo ngokunothando kuyingenelo kwingqondo yalo.

Incwadi ethi Infants ithi: “Eneneni, [iintsana] zikulungele ukuthanda nokuthandwa.” Xa usana lukhala, ludla ngokuba lucenga abazali balo lusithi: “Ndijongeni!” Kubalulekile ukuba abazali balunyamekele. Xa kunjalo, umntwana utsho abone ukuba uyakwazi ukuchaza into ayifunayo. Ufunda ukwakha ulwalamano nabanye abantu.

‘Ngaba Andiyi Kumfekethisa Umntwana Wam?’

Usenokuzibuza, ‘Ukuba ngalo lonke ixesha ekhala umntwana wam ndiyamhoya, andiyi kumfekethisa?’ Mhlawumbi kunjalo. Kudla ngokubakho iimbono ezahlukeneyo ngokuphathelele lo mbuzo. Ngenxa yokuba abantwana bengafani, ngabazali ekudla ngokufuneka babone eyona ndlela ifanelekileyo yokuphatha umntwana wabo. Noko ke, uhlolisiso olwenziwe kutshanje lubonisa ukuba xa usana lulambile, kukho into engaluphathanga kakuhle okanye lucaphuka, umzimba walo ukhupha incindi yedlala loxinezeleko. Luthi ke lwakuba kuloo meko lukhale. Kuthiwa xa umzali eluhoya usana aze alwenzele oko lukufunayo, uqeqesha ingqondo yalo ukuze lukwazi ukuzithuthuzela. Kwakhona, ngokutsho kukaGqr. Megan Gunnar, umzimba wosana olukhathalelwayo xa lukhala awuyikhuphi kakhulu incindi yedlala loxinezeleko ebizwa ngokuba yi-cortisol. Nokuba luyacaphuka, luyakhawuleza ukuxola.

UErickson uthi: “Eneneni, abantwana abahoywa ngokukhawuleza xa bekhala, ngokukodwa kwiinyanga ezi-6 ukusa kwezi-8 zokuqala, abasoloko bekhala njengabantwana abangahoywayo xa bekhala.” Kubalulekile nokusabela ngeendlela ezahlukahlukeneyo. Ukuba usabela ngendlela efanayo ngalo lonke ixesha, njengokumtyisa okanye ukumfunqula, umntwana wakho unokufeketha. Maxa wambi, ukuthetha nje naye xa ekhala kusenokwanela. Okanye ukusondela uze uthethe naye ngobubele kunokuba luncedo. Kwelinye icala, ukumbamba emqolo okanye esiswini kunokumenza axole.

“Kungokwemvelo ukuba usana lukhale.” Le yintetho esetyenziswa eMpuma. Eyona ndlela iphambili usana oluchaza ngayo into oluyifunayo, kukukhala. Ubunokuvakalelwa njani ukuba ngalo lonke ixesha ucela okuthile bekungekho mntu ukukhathalelayo? Ngoko ke, usana lwakho olungakwazi kuzenzela nto, beluya kuvakalelwa njani ukuba belungahoywa ngalo lonke ixesha lufuna ingqalelo? Noko ke, ngubani ofanele aluhoye xa lukhala?

Ngubani Onyamekela Usana?

Ubalo lwabemi olusandul’ ukwenziwa eUnited States lubonise ukuba abantwana abangama-54 ekhulwini banyanyekelwa ngabanye abantu abangengobazali babo ukususela ekuzalweni de babe kwibanga lokuqala. Kwiintsapho ezininzi kusenokufuneka ukuba abazali basebenze bobabini ukuze bakwazi ukuxhasa iintsapho zabo. Yaye oomama abaninzi badla ngokuya ekhefini, xa bekwazi ukwenjenjalo ukuze banyamekele iintsana zabo ezisandul’ ukuzalwa kangangeeveki okanye iinyanga eziliqela. Kodwa ke, ngubani oza kunyamekela olo sana emva koko?

Kakade ke, akukho miyalelo ingqongqo yokuba umntu umele enze ntoni na ngosana lwakhe. Noko ke, kuhle ukukhumbula ukuba umntwana usesichengeni ngeli xesha. Abazali bobabini kufuneka bawucingisise nzulu lo mbandela. Xa besenza isigqibo, bamele basicingisise ngenyameko.

UGqr. Joseph Zanga, we-American Academy of Pediatrics uthi: “Iya icaca mhlophe into yokuba ukusa umntwana wakho nditsho nakwelona ziko lokunyamekela abantwana libalaseleyo akunakuthabathel’ indawo ixesha umntwana afanele alichithe nonina noyise.” Ezinye iingcali zithi iintsana ezisiwa kumaziko okunyamekela abantwana azifumani ngqalelo yaneleyo kuloo mntu uzinyamekelayo.

Ngenxa yokuqonda iintswelo ezibalulekileyo zeentsana zabo, abanye oomama ebebefudula besebenza, baye bagqiba ekubeni bayeke ukusebenza bahlale ekhaya kunokuba bayeke iintsana zabo zikhuliswe ngabanye abantu. Elinye ibhinqa lathi: “Ndiye ndasikelelwa ngokufumana ulwaneliseko ebendingayi kuze ndilufumane nakuwuphi na omnye umsebenzi.” Kakade ke, ingxaki yezoqoqosho ayibavumeli bonke oomama ukuba benze eso sigqibo. Abazali abaninzi bayanyanzeleka ukuba base abantwana babo kumaziko okunyamekela abantwana, ngoko baye bazame ukubonisa inyameko nothando emntwaneni bakubuya. Ngokufanayo, abazali abaninzi abangenamaqabane, akukho nto ingako banokuyenza ngalo mbandela yaye benza imizamo encomekayo bekhulisa abantwana babo—yaye imiphumo idla ngokuba mihle.

Ukuba ngumzali kunokuba ngumsebenzi ovuyisayo nobangel’ imincili. Noko ke, lucelomngeni yaye ngumsebenzi onzima. Unokuphumelela njani?

[Umbhalo osemazantsi]

[Ibhokisi/Umfanekiso okwiphepha 22]

Iintsana Ezithuleyo

Abanye oogqirha baseJapan bathi ziya zisanda iintsana ongasokuze uzive zikhala okanye uzibone zincumile. USatoshi Yanagisawa ongugqirha wabantwana ubiza ezi ntsana ngokuthi ziintsana ezithuleyo. Yintoni ebangela ezi ntsana ziyeke ukubonakalisa indlela ezivakalelwa ngayo? Abanye oogqirha bakholelwa ukuba unobangela woku kukubandezwa kwabantwana ithuba lokunxibelelana nabazali babo. Le meko ibizwa ngokuba kukunyanzelwa kweentsana ukuba zibe zintsizana. Kukho nengcamango yokuba ukuba imveku isoloko ingahoywa okanye ingenzelwa loo nto iyifunayo xa ikhala, ekugqibeleni iyancama.

Ukuba usana alufundiswanga oko lufanele lukufundiswe ngexesha elifanelekileyo, inxalenye yengqondo yalo elenza lukwazi ukubonakalisa uvelwano kwabanye abantu isenokungakhuli, utsho njalo uGqr. Bruce Perry, oyintloko yeengcali zezifo zengqondo eTexas Children’s Hospital. Xa luye lwangahoywa ixesha elide, olo sana lusenokungaze luyazi kwaukuyazi le nto kuthiwa kukuba novelwano. UGqr. Perry ukholelwa ukuba kwezinye iimeko, ukungakhathalelwa kweentsana kusenokubangela ukuba ekukhuleni kwazo zibe ngamakhoboka eziyobisi, otywala okanye zibe ziindlobongela.

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 23]

Ulwalamano phakathi komzali nomntwana luyaqina xa benxibelelana