Ukusiza Abantwana Besehlukaniso

“Ngesinye isikhathi, lapho cishe ngineminyaka emithathu ubudala, ubaba weza ezongilanda ngemoto ukuze siyovakasha. Wangivakashisa futhi wangithengela unodoli owayegqoke ingubo enhle ebomvu, wabe esengiyisa ekhaya. Sahlala ndawonye emotweni isikhashana. Kodwa ngokushesha lapho umama ephuma ezongithatha, yena nobaba baqala ukuthethisana nokuphikisana efasiteleni lemoto​—⁠mina ngiphakathi nendawo.

“Ngokungazelelwe ubaba wavula umnyango futhi wangisunduzela ngaphandle kwemoto. Wakhalisa amathayi njengoba ayesuka futhi wahamba. Ngangingazi ukuthi kwakwenzekani. Umama akangivumelanga ngisho nokuba ngikhiphe unodoli wami omusha ephepheni. Angiphindanga ngawubona ngemva kwalokho. Futhi angiphindanga ngambona ubaba ngaze ngaba neminyaka engu-19 ubudala.”​—⁠UHeidi.

“ISIKHATHI sipholisa wonke amanxeba,” kusho isisho esidala sesiNgisi. Ingabe siyiqiniso ngempela? Noma ingabe isehlukaniso sibalimaza ngendlela engenakulungiseka abantwana?

NgokweJournal of Social Issues, okuningi kuxhomeke kulokho okwenzeka ngemva kwesihlukaniso. Ithi: “Ubuhlobo bomkhaya obuvela ngemva kokwehlukana buthinta abantwana ngokulinganayo noma ngaphezu kwesehlukaniso ngokwaso.”

Endabeni kaHeidi, ukwehlukana kwabazali bakhe kwakumane nje kuwukuqala kwezinkathazo zakhe. Njengoba kuvame ukwenzeka kakhulu, umshado wesibili kanina awuzange ube ngcono kunowokuqala, ngokufanayo nowalandela lowo. Isikhathi sobuntwana sikaHeidi sasigcwele izinkathazo ezazisukela ekumemezeni, ekulweni kuphulwe izitsha kuya ezinsukwini zasehlobo ezinesizungu endlini engenamuntu, ezibuza ngokwesaba ukuthi unina wayezofika nini​—⁠uma kuzokwenzeka afike⁠—​ekhaya.

Kuningi abazali abangakwenza ukuze bavikele abantwana babo emphumeleni onjalo okhungathekisayo wokwehlukana. Phela, isehlukaniso siphelisa umshado, hhayi ukuba umzali.

Abazali​—⁠Indima Ebucayi

“Isenzo esihlanganyelwe sokuzala sibeka umthwalo wemfanelo wabantwana kubo bobabili umama nobaba,” kubhala izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo ezimbili kuyiPsychology Today. Leyonkulumo ingase izwakale njengesobala kuwe. Nokho, ukwehlukana ngezindlela ezithile kuphuca umntwana bobabili abazali ngesikhathi esisodwa.

Ngokwesibonelo, cabangela iUnited States, leyo ngokwezibalo engase ibizwe ngokuthi iyikomkhulu lezehlukaniso lomhlaba wonke. Lapho, amaphesenti angaphezu kuka-90 abantwana besehlukaniso ehlala nomama futhi ebona ubaba ngokuvamkashela kuphela. Abangaphezu kwengxenye balabobantwana babona oyise isikhathi esingaphansi kwesisodwa ngonyaka! Futhi isikhathi sikamama sokuba nabantwana bakhe naso siyehla ngemva kwesehlukaniso, size sifike emahoreni angu-21 ngesonto, ngokokunye ukuhlola.

Lokho ochwepheshe abavumelana ngakho kabanzi ukuthi abantwana cishe bazivumelanisa kahle ngokwengeziwe nokuphila kwangemva kwesehlukaniso uma beqhubeka beba nobuhlobo obuqondile nobungaguquguquki nabo bobabili abazali. Uma lokho kungenakwenzeka, ubuhlobo obuhle okungenani nomzali oyedwa nabo buyasiza ekudambiseni igalelo lesehlukaniso. Kodwa abazali bangakulondoloza kanjani ukusondelana okunjalo nabantwana babo ngemva kwesehlukaniso?

Ukusebenzisa Isikhathi Ngokunenzuzo

Uma ungumama oye wahlukanisa, ukuhlala nisondelene kungase kube inselele yakho enzima kakhulu. Ngokuvame kakhulu, ungase uphawulwe ngophawu lolo eminye imiphakathi elubheka njengophawu olukabili: isehlukaniso kanye nobumpofu. Njengoba ungena endaweni yomsebenzi ungakulungele, futhi uzabalazela ukuvala izikhala zemali yokudla engathembekile noma engenele evela kowayekade engumlingane wakho, ungase ube nomuzwa wokuthi sincane isikhathi esikusalele sokuba nabantwana bakho.

Ikhambi: ukuzimisela nesimiso. Thengisisa noma isiphi isikhashana esincane ongase ukwazi ukusithenga, futhi uhlele nomntwana wakho lokho eniyokwenza ndawonye phakathi nalesosikhathi. Ngisho nokuba nesikhathi esincane nsuku zonke okuhambisana nokunakekela kwakho okuphelele kungcono kakhulu kunokungabi nasikhathi ngokuphelele. Ukukuhlelela kusengaphambili ukuyoshaywa umoya ndawonye ngokukhethekile nakho kunikeza umntwana wakho okuthile angabheka phambili kukho.

Khona-ke kunesidingo somntwana wakho esicindezelayo sesiqondiso, isiyalo, nokuqeqeshwa okungokomoya. Isikhathi esiqinisekile sokufeza lenjongo singase singatholakali kalula. Ngakho iBhayibheli liyeluleka: “Ubafundise impela wona [imithetho kaNkulunkulu] abantwana bakho, uwakhulume lapho uhlezi endlini yakho, nalapho uhamba endleleni, nalapho ulala, nalapho uvuka.”​—⁠Duteronomi 6:⁠7.

Ingabe nike nibe ‘sendleleni’ ndawonye, mhlawumbe ngemoto noma nihamba ngezinto zokuhamba zomphakathi? Yini edonsa ukunakekela kwakho​—⁠umntwana wakho, noma iphephandaba noma umsakazo wemoto? Lapho nidla ndawonye, ingabe ithelevishini yenza ningakwazi ukuxoxa, noma ingabe isikhathi sokudla yisikhathi sokuba umkhaya wakho ukhulume ngokuthula? Ingabe ikhona imisebenzi yasekhaya ongayihlanganyela nomntwana wakho, njengokulungisa ukudla noma ukugeza izingubo?

Yebo, lokhu akusho ukuthi kumelwe ubambe lamathuba ukuze ufunze umntwana wakho ngolwazi. Ngokuba nje nomntwana wakho nokuxoxa ngemfudumalo nangokukhululekile, ngokungenakugwenywa uyomfaka ezinye zezindinganiso zakho. Izikhathi ezinjengalezi zingase futhi zibe ithuba elihle kakhulu lokuba unikeze abantwana bakho isiqinisekiso abasidinga kakhulu njengamanje. Abanye abantwana bazizwa benecala ngasese ngokwehlukana kwabazali babo. Abanye bazizwa belahlwe umzali oye wahamba ekhaya. Uma ubaqinisekisa njalo ngothando lwakho, ubancome ngezimfanelo zabo ezinhle nalokho abakufezayo, futhi ubenze bazizwe belondeke ngokwanele ukuba bakhulume ngobuqotho okusengqondweni yabo, uyobe wenze okukhulu ekudambiseni igalelo lesehlukaniso.

Abanye abazali abakunaki ukujezisa ngemva kwesehlukaniso, ngokuvamile ngenxa yomuzwa wecala. Babonakala benomuzwa wokuthi ‘Umntanami usebuzwe ngokwanele ubuhlungu muva nje.’ Kodwa ukuvumela abantwana bakho babe umhlambi kazalusile bazenzele umathanda akukhona ukubabonisa uthando. Umqondisi wohlelo oluqondene nentsha nabantwana esibhedlela sezifo zengqondo watshela iWashingtonian: “Njalo abantwana bathi kimi, ‘Abazali bami bangivumela ukuba ngenze noma yini. Abanandaba nami.’” Njengoba iBhayibheli lisho: “Uma ungayijezisi indodana yakho, awuyithandi. Uma uyithanda, uyoyiqondisa.”​—⁠IzAga 13:​24, Today’s English Version.

Umntwana Okhungathekile

Omunye umfanyana, lapho ecelwa ukuba adwebe imifanekiso emtholampilo owelapha abantwana besehlukaniso, wazidweba yena njengento abazali bakhe abathukuthele abadonsisana ngayo; wayedabuka phakathi emalungeni futhi ephuma igazi. Kungaleyondlela abanye abantwana babazali abahlukana abazizwa ngayo. Nakuba umntwana ebathanda bobabili abazali, akekho kubazali ongase afune ukuba umntwana athande omunye.

Ebuhlungwini nenzondo okuvame kangaka ukuhambisana nesehlukaniso, kunzima kakhulu ngabazali ukungabafaki abantwana kulempi. UWallerstein noKelly babika ukuthi izingxenye ezimbili kwezintathu zabazali abahlola ngabo babencintisana obala belwela uthando nokwethenjwa ngabantwana babo. UDkt. Bienenfeld uxwayisa abazali ngokuthi ukwenza umntwana ezwe kufanele akhethe phakathi kwabazali kungadala imizwa yokuzizonda neyecala futhi “kuyonciphisa amathuba akhe okujabula, ukwaneliseka nempumelelo.”

Ngokuhlakanipha iBhayibheli liyeluleka: “Nani bobaba [noma omama], akumelwe nenze abantwana benu bathukuthele, kodwa banikeni isiyalo, nesiqondiso, okungokokukhulisa kobuKristu.” (Efesu 6:​4, The New English Bible) Ngokucacile, ukwenza umntwana wakho athukuthelele omunye umzali akunandawo ekukhuliseni kobuKristu.

Wonke umntwana unabazali ababili. Ukufa kungase kukushintshe lokho, kodwa isehlukaniso asikushintshi. Futhi ngaphandle kokuba izinkantolo zilinganisele ukubonana komunye umzali nabantwana (noma omunye umzali angawunaki ngamabomu umthwalo wakhe wemfanelo), kungase kudingeke ubambisane nowayekade engumlingane wakho ekukhuliseni abantwana.

Kuyavunywa, ungase ube nesizathu esizwakalayo sokuthukuthelela owayekade engumlingane wakho. Kodwa uma usebenzisa abantwana bakho ukuze umjezise, empeleni abantwana bakho abahluphekayo. UDkt. Bienenfeld usikisela ukuthi ukuvuma ngobuqotho kuwe ngokwakho ukuthi nawe kungenzeka ube nengxenye ezinkingeni zenu zomshado kungasiza ekuqedeni ukuthukuthela kwakho. Umagazini iParents ulandisa ngomunye wesifazane owayezama ukuthandazela owayekade eyindoda yakhe lapho nje eqala ukugxila emicabangweni emibi ngaye. Wathola ukuthi lelisu lalimnikeza umuzwa wenhlala-kahle nowokuzithiba owawumusha ngempela kuye futhi lalimkhulula ekubeni ‘sesimweni sokuhlala elungele ukulwa.’​—⁠Qhathanisa noMathewu 5:​43-⁠45.

Ingabe Abanye Bangasiza?

Izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo uJulius noZelda Segal ziyabhala kumagazini iParents ngokuthi “abantwana abasemikhayeni ewohlokile bayaqiniswa uma okungenani imizila ethile yokuqhubeka ihlala ingaphazanyisiwe” ngemva kwesiphepho sesehlukaniso. Ngokudabukisayo, ngokwalezazi zokusebenza kwengqondo, “omakhelwane nabangane bamane baqhele kubo, futhi nabanye ogogo nomkhulu bayaqhela ngenxa yokuthi basuke bematasa kakhulu bethatha uhlangothi kulempi yabazali.”

Yebo, isehlukaniso sibi kakhulu kubantwana lapho ezinye izihlobo nazo zinyamalala ekuphileni kwabo. Lokhu kukhulisa ukuzizwa kwabo belahliwe. Ngakho uma ungubabekazi, umalume, ugogo noma umkhulu wanoma ibaphi abantwana besehlukaniso, gxila ekubanikezeni isiqinisekiso abasidinga kakhulu kwamanje kunokuba uhlanganyele engxabanweni yomshado yabazali babo. Ngezinye izikhathi, akekho ongasekela umoya ophansi womntwana kunogogo noma umkhulu.

UHeidi, ocashunwe ekuqaleni kwalesihloko, akakutholanga ukusekelwa okunjalo. Kodwa, okwakhe kuyindaba yempumelelo. Namuhla, njengoba eneminyaka engu-26, ungowesifazane osemusha onomshado ojabulayo, unomusa futhi ukhuthele. Yini eyabangela ukuphumelela kwakhe?

Ngegama elilodwa: ubungane. Lapho esemusha, uHeidi waqala ukutadisha iBhayibheli noFakazi BakaJehova. EHholo LoMbuso ayehlanganyela kulo imihlangano, wathola abangane beqiniso. “Ngangicabanga ukuthi isimo sami sasingenathemba ngempela,” ekhumbula. “Kodwa kuyasiza ukuba nabantu ongakhuluma nabo. Nganginomunye umngane engangingamtshela konke. Ngaso sonke isikhathi wayekwazi ukubona uma kukhona okungahambi kahle, futhi ngaso sonke isikhathi ngangigcina sengimtshelile. Wayefana nomama kimi. Kodwa kwakukhona nabanye engangingenza nabo izinto.” UHeidi wathola ukuba yiqiniso kwesithembiso sikaJesu sokuthi ibandla lobuKristu lalingaba umkhaya omkhulu kulabo abalahlekelwe eyabo.​—⁠Marku 10:​29, 30.

Kodwa uHeidi akazange athathe isinyathelo sokuqala ekwenzeni labangane. “Bangifuna bangithola,” esho. Futhi leyo indaba ephindaphindwayo phakathi kwabantwana besehlukaniso ebandleni lobuKristu. Ngokwesibonelo, owesifazane osemusha ogama lakhe linguMeg ukhumbula ngenjabulo umbhangqwana owamenza umngane lapho abazali bakhe behlala ngokwehlukana: “Babazi nje ukuthi ngiyabadinga, futhi babezenza batholakale. Awufuni ukuthi, ‘Bheka, ngiyakudinga. Ngifuna ukuba ungithande manje.’”

Kuthiwani ngawe? Ingabe ungaba njengomfowabo, udadewabo, umama, ubaba, ugogo noma umkhulu womntwana wesehlukaniso? Ingane ngeke ikucele, kodwa lokho akusho ukuthi ayikudingi.

Yebo, awusoze wakwazi ukukubuyisela konke ukusebenza komkhaya ohlangene. Kodwa ungaba umngane, isilaleli esihle, esinozwela. Ungasiza futhi ekuqondiseni lowomuntu osemusha ebuhlotsheni obungcono noMdali wethu​—⁠“uyise” wangempela “wezintandane” noMngane omkhulu kunabo bonke noma ubani angamcela.​—⁠IHubo 68:⁠5.

Nokho, ingabe alikho ithemba lesikhathi lapho amanani esehlukaniso eyophela khona, isikhathi lapho abantwana beyoqiniseka ngokukhulela emikhayeni ephelele, ejabulayo?

Lapho Imikhaya Iyolapheka Khona

Ukuba bekungadingeka sithembele kubantu ukuze sithole ikhambi, khona-ke impendulo ingucha, alikho ithemba langempela ngabantwana. Isintu asinakukwazi neze ukuqala ukulungisa umkhaya wesintu wembulunga yonke ohlukene ngokungenathemba, ingasaphathwa imikhaya ehlukene engenakubalwa ewakhayo. Njengoba uLinda Bird Francke abhala kwethi Growing Up Divorced: “Okuningi kakhulu kuye kwenzeka ngokushesha okukhulu. Izinkantolo ziyantengantenga. Izikole ziyantengantenga. Imikhaya iyantengantenga. Akekho owaziyo ukuthi alindeleni komunye nomunye kulezinsuku zokwehlukanisa okukhulu njengoba kungekho-mithetho, kungekho-zibonelo zokulandelwa.”

Kodwa uMdali wesintu akantengantengi. Uyaliqonda izwe lethu elihlukene, futhi uyabona ukuthi akudingeki ukuba lilungiswe “ochwepheshe” abangabantu. Kudingeka indawo yalo ithathwe elinye. Futhi uthembisa ukwenza lokho kanye. Uthembisa ukuthi labo abenza intando yakhe bayosinda ekudluleni kwalesimiso esonakele futhi baphile ukuze babone ukubuyiselwa kwepharadesi lembulunga yonke. (Luka 23:​43; 1 Johane 2:​17) Njengoba ngalesosikhathi eyobe ephila ngaphansi kokubusa kukaNkulunkulu, umuntu uyokwelashwa esonweni esingcolisa isimo sakhe. Ubugovu nokungapheleli okuletha ukwahlukana, inzondo, nokungabi-nabunye ekugcineni kuyokhukhulwa. Umkhaya wesintu uyokwelapheka​—⁠IsAmbulo 21:​3, 4.

Futhi isehlukaniso ngalesosikhathi siyoba into yesikhathi esidlule enyamalalayo.

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Iseluleko Kubazali Abahlukanisile

Ungalwi nowayengumlingane wakho​—⁠ngocingo noma naye uqobo⁠—​phambi kwabantwana.

Ungamgxeki owayengumlingane wakho phambi kwabantwana. Lapho abantwana bakho begxeka umzali ongekho, ungabakhuthazi noma uhlanganyele kukho.

Ungabaphoqeleli abantwana ukuba bazikhethele umzali abamthandayo, futhi ungabenzi baphendukele owayengumlingane wakho.

Ungabavumeli abantwana ukuba bakwesabise ngokukusongela ngokuthi bazothuthela komunye umzali. Ukuvumela ukuthengwa okunjalo okungokomzwelo kuyobakhuthaza ukuba babe abaxhaphazayo futhi kungase ngisho kuphazamise ukuthuthuka kwabo ngokokuziphatha.

Ungasebenzisi abantwana ukuba bakubekele iso kowayengumlingane wakho, ubaphoqelele ukuba bakunikeze ukwaziswa lapho bebuya ekuvakasheni ngakunye.

Ungabaceli abantwana ukuba badlulisele imilayezo yentukuthelo noma izicelo ezihlazisayo zemali kowayengumlingane wakho.

Ungamphoxi umntwana ngamazwi anjengokuthi, “Ufana nje noyihlo.” Lokhu kumntwana akuzwakali njengokugxekwa kukayise nje kuphela kodwa kungase futhi kwenze lowomntwana abe nomuzwa wokuthi ubhekwa njengozophinda amaphutha alona omunye umzali.

Zibonakalise uyisilaleli esihle, uvumele abantwana bakho bazwakalise imizwa yabo​—⁠ngisho nemizwa ongavumelani nayo.

Khuluma ngendlela ecacile, ekhululekile, nevulekile. Nokho, bavikele emininingwaneni okungadingekile ukuba bayazi. Indodana noma indodakazi yakho ingase ibonakale ingumuntu ofanelekile ongathululela isifuba sakho kuye. Kodwa khumbula, umntwana akayena umuntu omdala omncane futhi akayena ummeleli womlingane wakho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi angabonakala evuthwe kangakanani.

Duduza abantwana bakho futhi ubaqinisekise ngokuthi akubona ababangele idivosi, futhi abanakukwazi manje ukungenela futhi basindise umshado wenu.

Bonisa inala yothando lomzwelo oluqotho, olufudumele. Abantwana bangase bathathe ngokuthi abazali abangayeka ukuthandana bangase nje bakuyeke kalula ukuthanda abantwana babo.

Bambisana nowayengumlingane wakho ekuvikeleni abantwana ezimpikiswaneni zenu.

Linganisela ukuncoma nokuyala, ubeke imingcele enengqondo nemigomo efinyelelekayo.

Beka isibonelo wena ngokwakho, ugweme ukuziphatha okubi obafundisa ukuba bakugweme.

Sebenzisa isikhathi sakho sokuphumula esiningi ngangokunokwenzeka nabantwana bakho.

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Ingabe Ungumzali Ohlala Kude?

UMA unguye, ungase ukuthole kulula kakhulu ukuzizwa uvalekelwe amathuba. Mhlawumbe ukuhlela isimiso sokuvakasha kulumela njengokucela imvume yokubona abantwana bakho obazele kowayengumlingane wakho. Noma mhlawumbe abantwana bakho banomzali wokutholwa omusha, futhi unomuzwa wokuthi awusadingeki.

Kodwa uyadingeka. IBhayibheli liyanxusa: “Boyise, ningabathukuthelisi abantwana benu.” (Efesu 6:⁠4) Uma unyamalala ekuphileni kwabantwana bakho, ngeke ubathukuthelise nje kuphela kodwa ungase uqede ukuzethemba kwabo, ubenze bazizwe bengathandwa futhi bengathandeki. Ngisho nobuhlobo obulinganiselwe nabantwana bakho bungcono kunokuba bungabibikho ngokuphelele.

Kubonakala sengathi ubude besikhathi sakho sokuvakasha bubaluleke ngokwengeziwe kunokuvakasha okwenziwa njalo. Lapho isikhathi sokuvakasha siside, kulapho kunokwenzeka khona ngokwengeziwe ukuba umntwana wakho abe nezikhathi angazikhumbula enawe. UMiriam Galper Cohen, naye ngokwakhe ongumzali ohlala kude, uyaphawula encwadini yakhe ekhuluma ngalendaba ukuthi lokhu kuvakasha akudingeki ukuba kube izenzakalo eziwumbukwane. Ngezinye izikhathi ukuhambahamba ndawonye buthule, noma ukuba nesidlo ndawonye, yikona okudala izinkumbulo ezithandeka kakhulu.

Ukushaya ucingo njalo, okuhlelelwe ukuba kwenziwe sikhathi sonke, nakho kugcina wena nomntwana wakho nisondelene. Noma ungase uziqophe kusiqopha-mazwi ufundela umntwana wakho indaba noma ukhuluma ngesikhathi sobuntwana bakho siqu. Ngaphandle kwamakhasethi nezincwadi, ungase uthumelele umntwana wakho izithombe, imidwebo, imifanekiso ehlekisayo, noma izihloko zikamagazini owazithola zihlekisa noma zithakazelisa. UCohen usikisela futhi ukuthola ukuthi iziphi izincwadi noma izinhlelo zethelevishini ezijatshulelwa umntwana wakho, uzifunde noma uzibukele wena ngokwakho, bese uxoxa ngazo ngencwadi noma ngocingo.

Njengoba uCohen ephawula, “ukuba umzali ohlala kude kuwukukhetha okungathandwa kakhulu kwamanye amalungiselelo okuzuzwa kwabantwana, okucishe kufane nokuthi ngeke uphinde ubabone nhlobo abantwana.” Nokho, ngokuqinisekile zikhona izindlela zokwenza umntwana wakho azi, ngothando lwakho oluqhubekayo nokukhathalela ngokuthintana naye njalo. Ngisho nesenzo sakho esincane kakhulu sokucabangela singase sivikele umntwana wakho ebuhlungwini obukhulu.

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Ingabe ikhona imisebenzi ongayihlanganyela nomntwana wakho? Isehlukaniso siphelisa umshado, hhayi ubuzali

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Ingabe bakhona abantwana besehlukaniso obaziyo abangathanda ukuba nomngane?