Isehlukaniso Sinazo Izisulu

UMA bekungadingeka ukuba ukholelwe konke “ochwepheshe” abaye bakubhala mayelana nesehlukaniso phakathi namashumi ambalwa eminyaka, ubungase uphethe ngokuthi esehlukanisweni sanamuhla, akekho osephutheni futhi akekho olimalayo.

Abazali abaningi baye benzelwa indlela yesehlukaniso yaba lula ngamazwi ambalwa amenyezelwa kabanzi, njengathi: Isehlukaniso singcono kubantwana kunomshado ongajabulisi; linda nje kuze kube yilapho abantwana ‘sebeseminyakeni efanele,’ ukuze ubavikele kunoma yibuphi ubuhlungu; abantwana bayalulama ebuhlungwini ngemva nje kweminyaka embalwa kuphela.

Abanye baye bayisekela lemibono yokuba nombono oqondile. Ngokwesibonelo, abalobi uSusan Gettleman noJanet Markowitz abayikholelwa “inganekwane yokuthi umntwana uyalimala.” Bagomela ngokuthi isehlukaniso akudingekile ukuba sibangele usizi kubantwana uma nje abazali ‘besisingatha ngendlela evuthiwe.’ Baphikisa ngisho nangokuthi ukwehlukana kwabazali kungase kusize abantwana ukuba babhekane nokwehlukana kwabo siqu ngolunye usuku! Bathi: “Izici zangempela zokushintshwa kumelwe kube ukumiswa komshado nephupho lokuphila komkhaya ngokwakho.”​—⁠The Courage to Divorce.

Kodwa ingabe ukugomela ngesibindi okunjalo ngempela kuzwakala kuyiqiniso? Ezweni elinamanani anyukayo esehlukaniso, iyini imiphumela yangempela yesehlukaniso kubantwana? Ingabe kuyiqiniso ukuthi akekho olimalayo?

Umonakalo Owethusayo

Ngo-1971, abacwaningi baseU.S. uJudith Waller-​stein noJoan Berlin Kelly baqala ukuhlola okuyingqopha-mlando kwemiphumela ehlala njalo yesehlukaniso emikhayeni. Bakhetha imikhaya engu-60 eyayisebuhlungwini obubangelwe isehlukaniso. Isiyonke, lemikhaya yayinabantwana abangu-131 abaphakathi kweminyaka emibili yobudala kuya kwengu-18. Okwamangaza labacwaningi ukuthi, bathola ukuthi isehlukaniso cishe asizange neze sifike njengempumuzo kulabobantwana. Lokhu kwakuyiqiniso ngisho nakuba abazali babo bebenomshado ongajabulisi. Kunalokho, isehlukaniso sashiya abantwana besambathekile.

Ingabe lemiphumela yayimane nje iwusizi lwesikhashana? Ngokudabukisayo, cha. Ngemva kweminyaka emihlanu, amaphesenti angu-37 abantwana ayenesimo sokucindezeleka esisukela kwesisesilinganisweni kuya kwesibi kakhulu. Abaningi babo babesenethemba lokuthi abazali babo babeyobuyelana​—⁠ngisho noma sebephinde bashada! Ngemva kweminyaka engu-10 noma ngisho engu-15, cishe ingxenye yabantwana ababekulokhu kuhlola “yangena ebudaleni njengezinsizwa nezintombi ezikhathazekile, eziyizehluleki, ezizinyezayo, futhi ngezinye izikhathi ezithukuthelayo.”

Imiphumela enjalo yayiphambene nokuhlakanipha okwamukelwa kabanzi. Njengoba uWallerstein ebhala: “Esakuthola kwakuphikisana ngokuphelele nalokho esasikulindele. Lezi kwakuyizindaba ezingathandeki kubantu abaningi, futhi sabhalelwa izincwadi ezizwakalisa intukuthelo ezivela ezazini zokwelapha, kubazali, nakubameli bethi ngokungangabazeki sasinephutha.”

Nokho, abantwana babengaqambi-manga; okunye ukuhlola kuye kwaqinisekisa isiphetho sikaWallerstein noKelly. IJournal of Social Issues yaphawula ukuthi izazi eziningi, njengezazi zesayensi yokuziphatha, “zikholelwa ukuthi ukuhlukana kwabazali nokuwohloka komshado kunomphumela omubi ogxilile kokubili kubantwana nasentsheni esithombile.” Leliphephabhuku lanezela ukuthi izinkolelo ezinjalo “ziye zafakazelwa ngesilinganiso esikhulu,” likhomba okuye kwatholwa okunjengalokhu: Abantwana besehlukaniso banamazinga aphakeme obuhlongandlebe nokuziphatha okuhlazisayo emphakathini kunabantwana abavela emikhayeni ehlangene; izinga lokulaliswa kwabantwana besehlukaniso ezibhedlela zokwelapha ingqondo lingase liphakame ngokuphindwe kabili kunelabantwana basemikhayeni ehlangene; mhlawumbe isehlukaniso siyimbangela ephambili yokucindezeleka kwasebuntwaneni.

Kuthiwani Ngabantwana Asebekhulile?

Abantwana asebekhulile abangcono kunabantwana abancane ekusingatheni isehlukaniso. Lapho intsha ibona ukwehlukanisa kwabazali bayo, ingase ibe nokuphoxeka okujulile okulimaza umbono wayo ngomshado nangezinye izinto, njengesikole. Enye iphetha ngokuthi bonke ubuhlobo abuthembekile, bunqunyelwe ukuba ngolunye usuku buphele ngenxa yokukhohlisa nokungathembeki.

Njengoba ilahlekelwe umbono olinganiselwe ngalendlela, enye intsha iphendukela ekweqiseni okungalawuleki lapho abazali bayo behlukana. Enye iphendukela ekusebenziseni izidakamizwa, enye icwila ekuxeketheni ngokobulili, enye iyeqa emakhaya. Enye ibonakala ekuqaleni ingaphazanyiswa ukwehlukanisa, kodwa ukusabela kwayo kukho kubonakale ngemva kwesikhathi esithile. Mhlawumbe akwenzeki ngengozi, njengoba umagazini iWashingtonian waphawula, ukuthi ukwenyuka kwezehlukaniso kuye kwahambisana nokwenyuka kwezinkinga zokuphazamiseka kwemikhuba yokudla ngisho nasekuzibulaleni kwentsha.

Ngakho abazali abalindela ithuba elikahle, belinda kuze kube yilapho abantwana babo ‘sebeseminyakeni efanele’ ngaphambi kokuqalisa ukwehlukanisa, kungase kudingeke balinde isikhathi eside impela. Akubonakali ‘kuneminyaka efanele’ esebenzayo okumelwe abantwana babe nayo ukuze badlule esehlukanisweni bengalimele.a Isazi sezenhlala-kahle uNorval D. Glenn saze sasikisela kumagazini iPsychology Today ngisho nokuthi abantwana bangase babhekane nemiphumela emibi yesehlukaniso “ephikelela ngokunganciphi kuso sonke isikhathi sokuphila.” Saphetha: “Umuntu kumelwe acabange ngokungathi sína ngeqiniso elikhathazayo lokuthi amanani amakhulu abantwana besehlukaniso ayoholela ekukhukhulekeni okwenzeka kancane kancane kodwa okuqinisekile kwezinga lenhlala-kahle lazo zonke izakhamuzi zomhlaba.”

Kodwa lokhu okuye kwatholwa, ukuhlola, nezibalo, nakuba kungathandeki, akusho ukuthi bonke abantwana besehlukaniso nakanjani bazophila ukuphila okunezinkathazo. Nokho, kuyabonisa ukuthi isehlukaniso siletha ingozi yangempela kubantwana. Umbuzo uwukuthi: Abantwana bangavikelwa kanjani emiphumeleni yesehlukaniso?

Liyini Ithemba Ngabantwana?

Akukho ukuvikela okuhle njengokuvimbela. Njengoba uDkt. Diane Medved ekubeka encwadini yakhe iCase Against Divorce: “Kumelwe siyeke ukuvumela iminako yobugovu ukuba ibe ukuphela kwezindinganiso zokufaneleka kwesehlukaniso.” Akungabazeki ukuthi isimo sengqondo sokuzicabangela, sobumina esiye sasakazeka emphakathini wanamuhla siye sacekela phansi imishado engenakubalwa. Imibhangqwana eshadile ingalwisana kanjani nalelithonya futhi yenze imishado yayo ihlale njalo?

IBhayibheli lithi uMlobi walo unguMklami womshado. Ekuqinisekiseni leyonkulumo, iseluleko seBhayibheli ngomshado siyasebenza ngempela. Siye sasiza izigidi zamadoda nabafazi ukuba bathuthukise izinga lokuphila lemikhaya yabo. IBhayibheli liye lahlwitha imishado engenakubalwa emazinyweni esehlukaniso. Nawe lingakusebenzela.b

Nokho, ngokudabukisayo isehlukaniso asinakugwenywa noma sivinjelwe ngaso sonke isikhathi. Siyinto eyohlala ikhona ezweni lanamuhla. Abanye abazali bafunda izindinganiso zikaNkulunkulu ngomshado ngemva kokuba sebeye bahlukanisa kakade. Abanye futhi baphila ngokwethembeka ngokwalezozindinganiso, bese bekhohliswa umlingane onobugovu, oziphethe kabi. IBhayibheli ngokwalo liyavuma ukuthi izimo ezithile ezimbi kakhulu zenza isehlukaniso sibe esivumelekile. (Mathewu 19:⁠9) Kodwa njengoba uJesu afundisa, akunakwenzeka ukwenza noma isiphi isinqumo esihlakaniphile ngaphandle ‘kokubala izindleko’ kuqala.​—⁠Luka 14:⁠28.

Uma isehlukaniso siyinto esiyenzekile, lesi ngokuqinisekile akusona isikhathi sokuzicindezela ngomuzwa wecala noma ukuzisola. Lesi isikhathi sokudambisa lelogalelo kubantwana. Kungenziwa! UDkt. Florence Bienenfeld, umeluleki nomlamuli kwezesehlukaniso ohlonishwa kabanzi, uqinisekisa abazali abahlukanisile: “Isehlukaniso akudingekile ukuba sibe inhlekelele engaqondakali okufa kuyo bonke abantu. Bonke abantu bangaphila, futhi ngesikhathi esifanele balulame, belapheke futhi benze kahle kakhulu.”​—⁠Helping Your Child Succeed After Divorce.

Kodwa kanjani? Yini abazali, izihlobo, nabangane abangayenza ukuze basize abantwana besehlukaniso?

[Imibhalo yaphansi]