Intsha Iyabuza . . .

Iyini Ingozi Yokubhuqa?

‘Uhlakaniphe kakhulu . . . ukuba ungaba yisilima!’

‘Leyongubo oyigqokile yinhle. Kubuhlungu ukuthi awuyitholanga ekulinganayo!’

‘Umuntu ogcobe izimonyo ngalendlela selokhu ngamgcina esekisini.’

AMAZWI ahlaba njengenkemba, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ashiwo ngayiphi injongo, angakulimaza ngokujulile ukuzethemba komuntu. Ngisho nalapho ekhulunywa ngendlela yokuhlekisa, amazwi anokubhuqa angaphumela ekwenzeni izitha, ekulimazeni imizwa, nasekuqedeni ubungane.

Nokho, kungenzeka ukuthi “unekhono” lokubhuqa. Abangane bahleka baze baqhephuke behlekiswa amahlaya akho amafushane nezinkulumo ezehlisa isithunzi. Bakuncomela ukuba uqhubeke futhi bakukhuthazele ukuba uphothe amazwi ahlakaniphile engeziwe. Noma kungenzeka ukuthi ukubhuqa sekuye kwaba indlela yakho eyinhloko yokuzivikela ngamazwi. Uhlomé ngamazwi afana nesikhali, ulimaza futhi ukhubaze noma ubani osongela nganoma iyiphi indlela inhlala-kahle yakho​—⁠noma ukuzethemba kwakho. Ungase ngisho ngezikhathi ezithile uzithole usho amazwi abuhlungu kubazali bakho noma kowelamana nabo.

Ikhona indawo yokubhuqa. Uma kulinganiselwe, kungaba okuhlekisayo. Futhi ngezikhathi ezithile ukubhuqa kungazwakalisa imizwa ejulile. Phela, iBhayibheli libonisa ukuthi umphostoli uPawulu, uJobe, ngisho noNkulunkulu ngokwakhe bakusebenzisa ukubhuqa ukuze bazwakalise ukucasuka okulungile. (Jobe 12:⁠2; Zakariya 11:​13; 2 Korinte 12:​13) Nokho, ukubhuqa okungenamusa nokunonya kuwukuziphatha kobudlova namawala. Njengoba umlobi uMary Susan Miller ebonisa encwadini yakhe iChildstress!, kuwuhlobo “lokugwaza nokugebenga,” umehluko kuphela uwukuthi “kwenziwa ngezikhali ezamukeleka kakhulu kwezenhlalo” kunezibhamu noma imimese.

Nakuba kunjalo, abaningi babheka inkulumo yokubhuqa ehlabayo njengenye nje indlela yokuhlekisa. Khona-ke, yini embi ngokwenza kanjalo?

Ingabe Kuwukuzijabulisa Okungalimazi?

UEric uthi, “Emsebenzini, bonke basebenzisa amazwi okubhuqa. Ngokuvamile kuthathwa njengehlaya.” Ngokuthakazelisayo, iNew York Times ibika ukuthi: “Izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo ngokuphindaphindiwe zithi . . . amadoda asabela ngesasasa kakhulu ehlayeni ‘elinonya’ kunabesifazane.” Khona-ke, abafana abeve eshumini elinambili bangase bakujabulele ngokukhethekile ukugcona, ukuchukuluza, nokushushisa abanye ngamazwi.

Kuyavunywa, ukubhuqa okusesilinganisweni kungase kuhlekise. Kodwa lapho ukubhuqa kwenziwa ngomoya omubi, ubuhlungu benkulumo ehlabayo bungase buhlale isikhathi eside ngemva kokuba ukuhleka sekudambile. (Qhathanisa nezAga 14:​13.) Ngokuvamile impi yokudlala ngokuqophisana ngamazwi iba ukudazisana okuvuthayo. Njengoba enye insizwa yakubeka: “Lapho lokho okushiwo othile kuye kwakulimaza kakhulu, ungase usabele ngokuphindisela ngento elimaza kakhulu ongase uyicabange. Khona-ke akusekona nje ukuntela; eqinisweni uzama ukulimaza omunye umuntu. Futhi ukubhuqa kungase kube isikhali esiphumelela kakhulu.”

Ngempela, igama lesiNgisi elisho ukubhuqa elithi “sarcasm” livela esenzweni sesiGriki leso ngokwezwi nezwi esisho “ukudwengula inyama njengezinja.” (Qhathanisa nabaseGalathiya 5:​15.) Njengoba nje inja isebenzisa amazinyo ayo abukhali angaphambili ukuze isuse inyama ethanjeni, umuntu obhuqayo angasusa isithunzi somuntu kuye. Njengoba iJournal of Contemporary Ethnography isho: “Umnyombo wokubhuqa . . . uyinzondo esobala noma ukwenyanya.” Akunandaba ukuthi kuwukuhlasela okuqondile, ukwehlisa isithunzi ngendlela enganakekile, noma ukushelela kolimi. Inkulumo yokubhuqa engenamusa, yenza umuntu abe yinto yokwedelelwa​—⁠isisulu.

Kube nayiphi imiphumela? Njengoba uJosh oneminyaka engu-19 ubudala ekubeka: “Ukubhuqwa kungakwenza uzizwe uyisilima ngempela.” Nokho, umonakalo ungase uhlale isikhathi eside kakhulu. Encwadini yakhe iToxic Parents, uDkt. Susan Forward uphawula imiphumela ukusebenzisa kabi amazwi kwabazali okunayo: “Ngiye ngabona izinkulungwane zeziguli eziye zalinyalelwa umuzwa wokubaluleka ngenxa yokuthi umzali . . .  ‘wenza ihlaya’ ngokuthi babeyiziwula kanjani noma bebabi kanjani noma bengafunwa kanjani.” Khona-ke, ake ucabange ukuthi ubungaba yini umphumela wokubhuqa ngonya umngane, umuntu omejwayele, noma owelamana naye. UDkt. Forward uphetha ngokuthi: “Ukuhlekisa okwenza abanye bazizwe bebancane kungalimaza kakhulu.”​—⁠Qhathanisa nezAga 26:​18, 19.

Khona-ke, akumangalisi ukuthi incwadi ekhuluma ngokukhula kwengane yaphetha: “Ukubhuqa . . . kumelwe kukhishwe phakade enkulumweni yabantu. Ngokuvamile kuyacasula, ngokuvamile kulimaza ngokujulile, futhi cishe akulokothi kuholele engxoxweni eyakhayo.”

Gwema Inkulumo Yokungacabangi

Khona-ke, kuthiwani uma ukusebenzisa inkulumo ebhuqayo sekuwumkhuba ogxilile? Khona-ke yisikhathi sokufunda ukucabanga ngaphambi kokuba ukhulume. INkosi ehlakaniphile uSolomoni yathi: “Uyabona umuntu ocasha ngamazwi na? Kukhona ithemba ngesiwula kunangaye.”​—⁠IzAga 29:⁠20.

Inkulumo yokuxhamazela ingalimaza ngokukhethekile lapho isetshenziswa amalungu omkhaya kwamanye. Ngani? “Ngoba imibono yawo ibalulekile kuwe,” kuchaza uPenny oneminyaka engu-16 ubudala. Nokho, incwadi ethi Raising Good Children icaphuna uthisha uJohn Holt ethi: “Ngokuvame kakhulu amalungu omkhaya akhiphela kwamanye bonke ubuhlungu nokukhungatheka kokuphila kwawo angenakulokotha akukhiphele kwabanye.” Amalungu omkhaya azana kahle kangangokuthi avame ukuthambekela ekungawabekezelelini amaphutha omunye nomunye; intukuthelo iqhuma ngokushesha, bese kuqophiswana ngamazwi okubhuqa.

Ngesizathu esihle iBhayibheli liyaxwayisa: “Lapho amazwi emaningi khona, akuphuthi ukuphambeka; obamba umlomo wakhe uhlakaniphile.” (IzAga 10:​19) Njengoba uJoanne oneminyaka engu-18 athola: “Kumelwe ucabange ukuthi ukhuluma nobani nokuthi yini ozoyisho ngaphambi kokuba ukhulume.” Uma uzithola uphazamisekile ngokomzwelo, ungasheshi ukuzwakalisa imizwa yakho. Kunalokho, yima isikhashana uzibuze: ‘Ingabe amazwi okuthi angiwasho anomusa? Ingabe adingekile? Ingabe ngizozisola kamuva ngenxa yalokho engikushilo?’

Ngokukhetha amazwi akho ngokucophelela, ungagwema ukulimaza imizwa yabanye, futhi uzisindise emahlonini angadingekile nendumalo.

Lapho Uyisisulu

Khona-ke, kuthiwani uma uyisisulu sokubhuqa, mhlawumbe kuvela kubangane noma ofunda nabo esikoleni? Ngaphambi kokuvumela isifiso sokuziphindiselela, qaphela ukuthi siphila ‘ezikhathini ezinzima.’ (2 Thimothewu 3:​1-⁠5) Intsha ibhekene nokucindezela okukhulu. Incwadi iLoneliness of Children iyaphawula: “Izingane . . . ziletha ezikoleni ezifunda kuzo lonke ubandlululo, inzondo, ubudlova, nemizwa engemihle eziyivalele ngaphakathi eziye zakufundiswa ekhaya.” Imizwa engemihle enjalo ngokuvamile ikhishwa isesimweni senkulumo yonya.

Ukwazi lokhu kungakusiza ukuba ugweme ukuthambekela kokuphindisela lapho wenziwa isisulu. (Qhathanisa nezAga 19:​11.) Kuyasiza futhi ukukhumbula amazwi omphostoli uPawulu: “Ningaphindiseli-muntu okubi ngokubi.” (Roma 12:​17) ‘Ukuphendula esinye isihlathi’ kothile oye wakubhibiza ngamazwi kudinga ukuzithiba kwangempela. (Mathewu 5:​39) Kodwa akusho ukuthi kumelwe ungasabeli kwanhlobo lapho inkulumo yokubhuqa iphenduka indelelo​—⁠noma usongo. Incwadi iViolence, kaIrwin Kutash, iyaphawula: “Ukwedelelwa okungaphikisiwe ngokuphumelelayo kungaba nemiphumela efinyelela kude kulabo abayizisulu . . . Lezisulu kuba lula ukuzenza izisulu ngokuqhubekayo.”

Khona-ke, ngezinye izikhathi izimo zingase zidinge ukuba umelane nokuhlaselwa ngamazwi, ungamelani nakho ngokuphindisela amazwi enzondo, kodwa ngokukhuluma ngomoya ophansi nozothile nomhlaseli ngasese.a (IzAga 15:⁠1) UJoanne wakuzama lokhu, etshela ayefunda naye ekilasini: “Angiyithandanga into oyisho phambi kwesifunda nabo ekilasini. Ibilimaza ngempela.” Waba yini umphumela? UJoanne uthi: “Kusukela ngalesosikhathi uye wangihlonipha futhi akaphindanga washo lutho olunye.”

Nokho, uDavid oneminyaka engu-20 ubudala, ukhomba omunye umthombo wenkulumo elimazayo, ethi: “Abazali bakho kufanele bakuthande kakhulu; nokho, ngezinye izikhathi yibo abakhuluma ngendlela elimaza kakhulu.” Njengoba kulindelekile, lokhu kuvame ukwenziwa ngaphandle kwenhloso embi; ekuzameni ukukuqondisa, ngokungaqondi bakulimaza ngokujulile. Kungani ungazami ukukhuluma nabazali bakho ngakho, ubatshele indlela ozizwa ngayo? Mhlawumbe bazoba nozwela ngokwengeziwe endleleni ozizwa ngayo esikhathini esizayo.

Ekugcineni, kuyasiza uma ungakhathazeki kakhulu ngemizwa yakho siqu. Umlobi uDonald W. Ball uyaphawula: “Udosi lokubhuqa . . . lusemiphumeleni yakho ecatshangelwayo.” Yebo, musa ukwenza isehlakalo sibonakale sisikhulu ngokucabanga ukuthi uye walimala ngendlela engenakwelapheka ngenxa yenkulumo eyodwa engenamusa. Londoloza isimo sokumamatheka!

Nokho, indlela engcono kakhulu yokugwema ukuba yisisulu sokubhuqa, iwukugwema ukubhuqa wena ngokwakho. UMthetho Wegolide uthi: “Ngakho-ke konke nokungakanani enifuna ukuba abantu bakwenze kini, kwenzeni nani kanjalo kubo.” (Mathewu 7:​12) Lapho usebenzisa lesimiso, ungagwema ukuba umsebenzisi​—⁠futhi mhlawumbe isisulu​—⁠senkulumo elimazayo, neyokubhuqa.

[Umbhalo waphansi]

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Ukubhuqa kungalimaza