Izihambi—Zingabhekana Kanjani Nezimo?
“BHEKA,” kuziphendulela uJaroslav oneminyaka engu-17 ubudala, ekhathele ukugconwa ngoba engowaseUkraine, “abazali bami bafika lapha [njengabafuduki].” Wachaza ukuthi babeye “badela izwe lakubo” nokuthi ngisho noma babefuna, babengenakubuyela manje. Lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho, okwalotshwa umlobi uJohn Brown encwadini yakhe ethi The Un-melting Pot, kwembula umzabalazo wokwamukeleka okudingeka abafuduki abaningi nezihambi ziwukhuthazelele. Lona osemusha wafunda kokuhlangenwe nakho okunzima ukuthi ukuzisola ngokuba kwakhe umfokazi kwakungasizi ngalutho. Ekugcineni wanquma ukusebenzisa isimo sengqondo sokuthi ‘ngamukele njengoba nginjalo’—futhi sasebenza!
Ubandlululo, ukusola, nokungemukelwa kuyizinto ezingokoqobo okudingeka izihambi zibhekane nazo. Kodwa uma ungumfokazi, kunezinyathelo eziwusizo ongazithatha ukuze usizakale ekubhekaneni nalolushintsho.
Izisusa Nezimo Zengqondo
Njengoba wazi ukuthi uyobhekana nobandlululo nokwenqatshwa okungenzeka ekuphileni kwakho okusha, ungalungisa ukusabela kwakho ngokufanelekile. URosemary, umfuduki waseNgilandi oseJapane, ukhuluma ngokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe siqu. “Ungadumali lapho abantu bendawo bekhuluma kabi ngezwe lenkaba yakho,” exwayisa, futhi enezela: “Melana nesifiso esinamandla sokuzivikela wena, izwe lakho, nesizinda sakho. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, abantu bayokwahlulela ngezimo zakho zengqondo zansuku zonke nokuziphatha futhi balungise ubandlululo lwabo. Kungase kuthathe iminyaka.”
Khumbula, umphakathi wendawo uqaphe kakhulu ngezizusa zakho zokufuna ukuhlala ezweni lawo. Umlobeli wePhaphama! eJalimane, manje esinamanani amakhulu abafuduki baseMpumalanga Yurophu, uthi: “Inkinga yokuzivumelanisa nokuphila ezweni elisha ixhomeke esisuseni somuntu sokufuduka. Labo abenza kanjalo ngesizathu esihle, abafisa ukwenza izwe elisha ikhaya labo, ngokuvamile banesisusa sokufunda ulimi futhi bazivumelanise nezimo ngokusemandleni abo. Labo ababheka ukuthutha kwabo njengokwesikhashana nje noma abashukunyiswa kuphela ukucabanga ngezinzuzo ezingokwezomnotho ngokushesha bayasanguluka. Ngakho abawenzi kangako umzamo wokuzivumelanisa nezimo, kuholele ekukhungathekeni kokubili kubona nakulabo abasebenzelana nabo.” Yebo, lokhu akusho ukuthi abafuduki akumelwe neze babuyele emazweni enkaba yabo uma kuyilokho abakufisayo.
Nakuba kunjalo, izimo zengqondo nezizusa zomfokazi zingaphumelelisa noma zilimaze inqubo yokuzivumelanisa nezimo. Uma uyisihambi, qaphela ukuthi phakathi kwabantu bendawo abakhona, njengoba iU.S.News & World Report ikubeka, kunenkolelo enamandla yokuthi “abafokazi bancibilikisa inhlaka ehlanganisa izinhlanga ndawonye.” Kodwa njengoba ubonakalisa ukubaluleka kwakho njengomfokazi wenza okuthile emphakathini, abasendaweni ofudukele kuyo bayokuthola kulula kakhulu ukukwamukela ngisho nokukwenza umngane. Njengoba uRosemary, umfuduki okukhulunywe ngaye ngaphambili, echaza: “Bafuna ukuba ube umfokazi, kodwa bafuna futhi uthande lokho abakuthandayo.”
Ezinye zezinkinga wena njengomfuduki oyobhekana nazo zingalindelwa, uma kungekhona ukuthi zingagwemeka, ngokufunda okuningi ngangokunokwenzeka ngendawo ocabangela ukufudukela kuyo. Ukufunda, ukutadisha, nokukhuluma nabanye ngalelozwe, imikhuba, nempucuko kungenza lukhulu ekukulungiseleleni ukushaqiswa impucuko oyobhekana nakho nakanjani.
Yebo, ukwenza ukuthutha kwakho kube ngokomthetho kubalulekile ekuzuzeni inhlonipho yabantu bendawo. Emehlweni abaningi, izihambi ezingekho emthethweni ziwuhlupho nosongo. Okungenani zibhekwa njengezisebenzi ezishibhile, ezilindele nje ukuxhashazwa ngonya. Abafuduki abaphumelelayo bathi kuyazuzisa ukuzama ngokusemandleni akho ukwenza ukuba khona kwakho kube ngokomthetho. Lapho uxoxa neziphathimandla zezokufuduka, ukubukeka okuhlanzekile, okucocekile kubalulekile ekunikezeni umbono wokucatshangelwa kangcono. Bonisa isimo sokubambisana. Ungabaleki neqiniso.
Kodwa kuningi kakhulu wena, njengesihambi, ongakwenza ekunciphiseni ubuhlungu bokuhlala ezweni elisha.
Yanuleka
Ukuthambekela okungokwemvelo kwezifiki eziningi kuwukubuthana ndawonye emiphakathini yazo siqu. Ngokwesibonelo, eDolobheni laseNew York, yonke imiphakathi ngokuyinhloko yakhiwa isizwe esisodwa—iNtaliyane encane, iChinatown, ingxenye yamaJuda, uma sibala embalwa. Imiphakathi enjalo inikeza ukusekela okubalulekile okwenza umfuduki azizwe esekhaya—indawo angazinza kuyo uma eyohlola imingcele emisha.
Ngeshwa, kuleliphuzu abanye bayahoxa futhi bayeke amathuba nezinzuzo ezingabasiza ngempela. “Uma ukwenqaba nokwehlukana nempucuko yezwe ofudukele kulo kuba indlela ekhethwayo yokubhekana . . . nendlela entsha yokuphila,” kusho iphephabhuku iPsychology of Women Quarterly, “inqubo yokuzivumelanisa ingase ingaqedelwa ngokuphumelelayo.”
Ngokuphambene nalokho, izihambi eziningi eziye zaba nomqondo obanzi ngokwanele ukuba zizinikele ngokuphelele emiphakathini ezifudukele kuyo zibika ukuthi ngokomphumela ukuphila kwazo kuye kwacetshiswa kakhulu. Iqembu labafundi baseMelika abachitha amasonto amaningana benza isifundo sokuxubana kwezimpucuko esiqhingini saseMicronesia iGuam lakhuluma ngomphumela obanzi lokhu okwakunawo embonweni walo ngezinye izimpucuko. “Ngibheka ukwehlukahluka ngesithakazelo nangelukuluku lokwazi kunokuba ngikubheke njengosongo,” kuvuma omunye umfundi. Omunye wathi: “Sengiqala ukubhekisisa impucuko yami. . . . Ngingabaza izindinganiso nezinto ebengizithatha kalula esikhathini esidlule. . . . Ngingafunda kulabantu.”
Nokho, ukuze uphumelele ekusebenziseni amathuba, kunezimfuneko ezithile eziyisisekelo okumelwe kuhlangatshezwane nazo.
Izihluthulelo Zokuzihlanganisa
“Ukufunda ulimi lwezwe ofudukele kulo kuholela ekuzivumelaniseni nezimo okusheshayo nokulula ngokwengeziwe . . . ngoba kuvumela umfuduki ukuba akwazi ngokuseduze okwenzekayo.” Litusa kanjalo iphephabhuku iPsychology of Women Quarterly. Kodwa qaphela! Ukufunda ulimi akuyona into elula. “Ekuqaleni ngadonsa kanzima,” kukhumbula uGeorge, umfuduki oseJapane. “Babehleka lapho ngenza iphutha kodwa bangangisizi.” Ezimisele, uGeorge wayephatha umsakazo omncane nomaphi lapho eya khona futhi elalela isiteshi sesiJapane. Uyanezela: “Ngathola ukuthi ukufunda okuningi kwangisiza ukuba ngazi lolulimi.”
Ulimi lwesizwe luyisango lwempucuko yalo. Nakuba ekugcineni ungase ulwazi ulimi, kunzima kakhulu ukuzivumelanisa nempucuko entsha. Lapha kulapho kudingeka khona isilinganiso esithile sokulinganisela. Isihambi esifisa ukuphumelela kumelwe sikulungele ukubhekana nokufunda impucuko entsha, kuyilapho ngesikhathi esifanayo sigcina ubuntu baso siqu nokuzihlonipha kungaphazamisekile. Njengoba umlobi waseYugoslavia uMilovan Djilas akubeka, “umuntu angashiya konke—ikhaya, izwe, indawo—kodwa akanakuzishiya yena ngokwakhe.” Ukwenza lokho kulinganisela kubeka inselele enkulu.
Ubunye Bomkhaya
Umuntu ngamunye usabela ngokwehlukile endaweni entsha ezungezile. Ngokuqondakalayo, abantu abadala bathola ukuthi impucuko yabo yomdabu nolimi kugxile ngokujulile. Nokho, abantwana bazivumelanisa nolimi kanye nempucuko ngokushesha okukhulu. Kungakadluli isikhathi eside, bangase bathathe indima yokuba abahumushi, futhi abazali babo ngokuvamile bazithola besesikhundleni sokuba abafundi. Lokhu kuguquka okungekho ngokwemvelo kwezindima ngokuvamile kuholela ekuphikisaneni phakathi komkhaya. Abazali bangase babe nomuzwa wokuthi balahlekelwa ukuhlonishwa, kanti abantwana bangaba nenzondo ngokuthi abazali babo babaphoqelela ngempucuko yabo ‘eyisidala.’ Ngakho imikhaya yabafokazi ingabhekana kanjani nalokhu kucindezela okukhulu?
Phakathi kokunye, abazali kufanele bacabangele umphumela indawo entsha ezungezile enawo kubantwana babo. Lokhu kusho ukwenza umzamo wokuzihlanganisa bekanye nabantwana babo—bangabalindeli ukuba baphile kwenye impucuko kodwa bathembeke kwenye. Lokhu kudinga ukuqonda kwabazali abangabafuduki, kodwa kwenza lukhulu ekuqedeni izingxabano ekhaya. Esinye isimiso seBhayibheli sikubeka ngalendlela: “Indlu iyakhiwa ngokuhlakanipha, iqiniswe ngokuqonda.”—IzAga 24:3.
Ngokufanayo, abantwana kufanele baqaphele ukuthi nakuba abazali babo bevela empucukweni ehlukile, ukuphila kuye kwabafundisa futhi ngaleyondlela banokuhlangenwe nakho okukhulu. Inhlonipho efanele abayinikezwayo iwusizo olukhulu ekulondolozeni ukuphila komkhaya okunokuthula.
Ngaleyondlela, naphezu kokuba yinkimbinkimbi kokuzihlanganisa, kuningi wena njengesihambi ongakwenza ekuguquleni lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kube ngokwenzuzo yakho. Umfuduki osemusha ophumelelayo ongumPutukezi obizwa ngokuthi uTony ukufingqa ngalendlela: “Nakuba ngabhekana nobunzima obuningi, ngenxa yalokho, ngiye ngacetshiswa. Ukuqonda izilimi nezimpucuko ezimbili kuye kwanginikeza umbono obanzi ngokwengeziwe ekuphileni.”
[Isithombe ekhasini 10]
Abafokazi Bangabhekana Kanjani Nezimo?
Ongakwenza . . .
▶ ukufunda ulimi
▶ ukwamukela futhi uqonde impucuko entsha
▶ ukuvumelana nemikhuba yendawo
▶ ukufunda indawo yakho entsha ezungezile futhi ubuze imibuzo ngayo
▶ ukwenza umzamo wokuzihlanganisa njengomkhaya
▶ ukubambisana neziphathimandla; ukwenza okusemandleni akho ukuba wenze ukuma kwakho kube ngokomthetho
Okungamelwe Ukwenze . . .
▶ ukuzehlukanisa nomphakathi ofudukele kuwo
▶ ukubheka impucuko yakho siqu njengephakeme
▶ ukwenza imali nezinto ezibonakalayo kuze kuqala ekuphileni kwakho
▶ ukulindela ukuba abantwana bakho banamathele empucukweni yakho yangaphambili
▶ ukubabhekela phansi abazali bakho ngoba benesizinda esihlukile
▶ ukuhlukana nomkhaya wakho lapho uthutha, uma ungakugwema
[Isithombe ekhasini 9]
Uma ufunda ulimi lwezwe lakho elisha, uyokwandisa ukuxhumana kwakho