Yini Ebangela Ubudlova Basekhaya?

“Kunokuba ube yisiphephelo sokucindezeleka, ubunzima, nokungabi nangqondo komphakathi wangaphandle, umkhaya ngokuvamile ubonakala udlulisa noma ngisho ukhulisa lobunzima.”—The Intimate Environment—Exploring Marriage and the Family.

UKUCWANINGA ngendaba yobudlova basekhaya kuwumzamo omusha uma kuqhathaniswa. Kuphakathi namashumi eminyaka amuva nje kuphela lapho kuye kwenziwa khona ukuhlola okubanzi. Imiphumela yokucwaninga okunjalo ingase ingafani ngaso sonke isikhathi, kodwa kuye kwatholakala izici ezithile eziyisisekelo ezibangela ubudlova basekhaya. Ake sicabangele ezinye zalezi.

Sinayiphi Indima Isizinda Somkhaya?

Abacwaningi abaningana bathi ngalokho abakuthola: “Lapho sixoxa nombhangqwana onobudlova kakhulu, sasithola ukuthi izingane zawo zazinobudlova kakhulu komunye nomunye, nakubazali bazo.”

Ukumane ube ufakazi wokuzibonela wobudlova basekhaya kunomphumela omkhulu komusha. “Ingane ebona unina eshaywa iyafana nengane eshaywayo,” kuphawula isazi sokwelapha uJohn Bradshaw. Omunye osemusha okuthiwa nguEd wayekuzonda ukubona uyise eshaya unina. Nokho, nakuba kungenzeka ukuthi akazange akuqaphele lokho, wenziwa wakholelwa ukuthi amadoda kumelwe alawule abesifazane nokuthi ukuze enze kanjalo, amadoda kumelwe abesabise, abalimaze, futhi abalulaze. Lapho eba umuntu omdala, uEd wasebenzisa lamasu okuxhaphaza, anobudlova kumkakhe.

Abanye abazali ngokuhlakanipha benqabela izingane zabo ukubukela ubudlova kuthelevishini, futhi lokho kuyinto enhle. Kodwa abazali kufanele baqaphe ngisho nangokwengeziwe lapho kuziwa ekuqapheleni ukuziphatha kwabo siqu njengezibonelo zezingane zabo ezithonyeka kalula.

Kunayiphi Indima Ukucindezeleka?

Ukukhulelwa, ukuswela umsebenzi, ukufa komzali, ukuthutha, ukugula, nezinkinga ezingokwezimali kubangela ukucindezeleka, njengoba kwenza nezinye izinto. Abantu abaningi babhekana nokucindezeleka ngaphandle kokuphendukela ebudloveni. Nokho, kwabanye, ukucindezeleka kungase kube yisiqalo sobudlova, ikakhulukazi lapho kuhlangene nezinye izici. Ngokwesibonelo, ukunakekela umzali osegugile—ikakhulukazi lapho lomzali egula—ngokuvamile kuye kwaholela ezenzweni zokuphathwa kabi lapho umnakekeli esindwa eminye imithwalo yemfanelo yomkhaya.

Ukukhulisa izingane kubangela ukucindezeleka. Ngenxa yalokho, ukukhula komkhaya kungase kwandise amathuba okuxhashazwa kwezingane. Izingane ngokufanayo zingase zilethe ukwanda kokuxhashazwa umngane womshado, ngoba “ngokunokwenzeka kakhulu yingxabano ngabantwana engase iholele umbhangqwana ekulweni,” kubika ethi Behind Closed Doors.

Umbono Ongafanele Ngabobulili Obuhlukile

UDan Bajorek, ohola iqembu labeluleki eCanada, uthi amadoda axhaphazayo anombono ongalungile ngabesifazane: “Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi akhuliswe ngaphansi kwaliphi isiko, aye enziwa ukuba akholelwe ukuthi amadoda aphuma phambili.” UHamish Sinclair, ohola uhlelo lokwelashwa kwamadoda axhaphazayo, uthi amadoda aqeqeshelwa ukuba akholelwe ukuthi aphakeme kunabesifazane nokuthi kuyilungelo lawo “ukubajezisa, ukubayala noma ukubesabisa.”

Emazweni amaningi indoda ibhekwa njengenelungelo lokuphatha umkayo njengesidwedwe, enye nje ingxenye yempahla yayo. Ukulawula nokubusa kwayo umkayo kubhekwa njengesibonakaliso sobudoda nokuhlonipheka kwayo. Ngokuvamile abesifazane bashaywa kabi futhi baxhashazwe nangezinye izindlela, futhi izimiso zomthetho azenzi lutho ngakho ngoba lokho kuyisimiso esingokomthetho emazweni anjalo. Indoda iphakeme, futhi owesifazane uphansi; kumelwe ayilalele ngokuphelele kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ayihlonipheki, inobudlova, yonakele, noma inobugovu.

Intatheli yethelevishini i-CBS uMorley Safer yabika ngelinye izwe laseNingizimu Melika: “Ayikho indawo eLatin America lapho umkhuba wobuqhwaga usobala kangaka khona . . . Ugcwele kuwo wonke umphakathi, kuhlanganise nasenkantolo lapho indoda ngokuvikela udumo lwayo ingeke ijeziselwe ububi, ikakhulukazi uma isisulu kungumkayo noma isithandwa sayo.” Wavuma ukuthi “ayikho indawo emhlabeni elulaza abesifazane” njengoba kwenza lelozwe. Kodwa ukubusa kwamadoda nokululazwa kwabesifazane kusakazeke yonke indawo. Akugcini ezweni elilodwa, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kubi kangakanani lapho.

UMinna Schulman, umqondisi womnyango wobudlova basekhaya nokugcinwa komthetho eNew York, wathi ubudlova buyithuluzi amadoda alisebenzisayo ukuze angalahlekelwa ukulawula nokubonisa amandla negunya phezu kowesifazane. Wenezela: “Sibheka ubudlova basekhaya njengokusetshenziswa kabi kwamandla nokulawula.”

Abanye abashayi bamakhosikazi bayazinyeza, isici esifanayo abasidlulisela ezisulwini zabo. Uma bengakwenza lokho, khona-ke ukuzethemba kwabo kuyobe kwanelisiwe, futhi bayozizwa benesilinganiso esithile sokuphakama namandla phezu komunye umuntu. Banomuzwa wokuthi babonakalisa ubudoda babo ngalendlela. Nokho, ingabe kunjalo? Njengoba beqhubekisela phambili ubudlova babo kwabesifazane ababuthaka ngokomzimba, ingabe lokhu kubonisa ukuthi ngempela bangamadoda anamandla, noma kunalokho, kubonisa ukuthi abanangqondo? Ingabe kuwubudoda ngempela ngowesilisa onamandla ukushaya owesifazane obuthaka, ongenamandla okuzivikela? Indoda ehluzekile engqondweni iyobonisa ukucabangela nozwela ngabantu ababuthaka kakhulu nabangenamandla okuzivikela, hhayi ukusizakala ngabo.

Esinye isibonakaliso sokucabanga okungenangqondo komxhaphazi iqiniso lokuthi ngokuvamile usola umkakhe ngokubangela ukushaywa. Angase abonise, noma ngisho nokumtshela izinto ezinjengokuthi: ‘Awukwenzanga kahle lokhu. Yingakho ngikushaya.’ Noma: ‘Wephuzile ukusilungisela ukudla, ngakho umane uthola okukufanele.’ Engqondweni yomxhaphazi, yiphutha lowesifazane. Nokho, akukho ukushiyeka komunye umngane womshado okuthethelela ukushaya.

Ingabe Utshwala Benza Umehluko?

Njengoba utshwala bunciphisa ukuzilawula futhi bukhulisa amathuba okwenza izinto ngokungacabangi, akumangalisi ukuthi abanye banomuzwa wokuthi bungaba imbangela yokuxhaphaza. Ngokuvamile umuntu uyakwazi ukulawula imizwelo enobudlova lapho esangulukile, kodwa ngemva kokuphuza, uba ngoxhaphazayo. Utshwala sebudunge ingqondo yakhe futhi banciphisa ikhono lakhe lokulawula ulaka lwakhe.

Nokho, abanye bathi inkinga igxile kakhulu ekucindezelekeni kunasotshwaleni ngokwabo. Bathi umuntu osebenzisa utshwala ukuze abhekane nokucindezeleka uyafana nomuntu osebenzisa ubudlova ngenxa yalesosizathu. Lokhu kusho ukuthi ophuzayo angaxhaphaza ngendlela efanayo lapho esangulukile nalapho edakiwe. Nokho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uyini umbono kulendaba, ngokuqinisekile utshwala abukuthuthukisi ukulawulwa kwemizwelo yomuntu kodwa ngokuvamile buyokwenza okuphambene.

Indlela Imithombo Yezindaba Ethonya Ngayo Izenzo

Abanye bathi ithelevishini, kanye nezindawo zamabhayisikobho, kukhuthaza umbono wobuqhwaga kwabesilisa futhi kufundisa ukuthi ubudlova buyindlela engokomthetho yokubhekana nengxabano nentukuthelo. “Ngathonywa ukusabela kwami siqu okujulile emdlalweni webhayisikobho kaRambo,” kuvuma omunye umeluleki wemikhaya. “Nakuba ubudala bami [bangaphakathi] obugcina umthetho bushaqiswe ukubulala kukaRambo abantu abaningi, ubuntwana bami [bangaphakathi] bumkhuthaza ukuba aqhubeke.”

Njengoba abantwana abaningi bevulekele ezinkulungwaneni zamahora okubukela ithelevishini enezenzo eziningi zobudlova, ukudlwengula, nokululazwa kwabanye abantu, ikakhulukazi abesifazane, akumangalisi ukuthi abaningi bakhulela ekwenzeni leyomikhuba enonya kwabanye. Futhi akubona abantwana kuphela abathintekayo kodwa nabantu abadala ngokufanayo.

Futhi, ikakhulukazi eminyakeni yamuva nje, izinga lobudlova ukuziphatha okubi, okuvezwa ezincwadini, nokululazwa kwabesifazane njengoba kuboniswa kuthelevishini nakumafilimu kuye kwanda ngokuphawulekayo. Lokhu ngokuqinisekile kwenza ubudlova basekhaya bube bubi nangokwengeziwe. Njengoba iqembu elithile elicwaningayo lathola, “kukhona ukuhlobana okusobala . . . phakathi kokubukela ubudlova nokuziphatha kobudlova.”

Umphumela Wokuzehlukanisa

Ukuphila kuntula ukukhathalela futhi kunesizungu kwabaningi namuhla. Izitolo ezinkulu nalezo ezithengisa ngamanani ehlisiwe sezithathe indawo yokuthenga ezitolo zomakhelwane ezinobungane. Ukuvuselelwa kwezindawo zasemadolobheni, izinkinga ezingokomnotho, nokuswela umsebenzi kuphoqa imikhaya ukuba ingahlali endaweni eyodwa. Izinga eliphakeme lobudlova basekhaya litholakala phakathi kwalabo abangenabo ubuhlobo obuqinile bezenhlalo.

UJames C. Coleman, encwadini yakhe ethi Intimate Relationships, Marriage, and the Family, uchaza isizathu esenza acabange ukuthi lokhu kunjalo. Unomuzwa wokuthi ukuba unkom’ idla yodwa kunciphisa ingxoxo enenjongo futhi kwenza kube nzima ngomxhaphazi ukubona isimo sakhe ngokufanele nokufuna usizo kumngane othembekayo. Ukungabi nabo abangane nezihlobo eziseduze ezingasebenza njengethonya elilinganiselayo kwenza umuntu akwazi ukuveza ubugovu bakhe kalula kakhulu, njengoba nsuku zonke bengekho abasondelene naye abaphazamisa ukucabanga kwakhe okungalungile. Kunjengoba kusho izAga 18:1: “Ozahlukanisayo ufuna esakhe isifiso, uphika konke ukuhlakanipha.”

Usizo Ngomkhaya Onobudlova

Siye saxoxa ngengxenye nje yezimbangela ezinikezwayo zobudlova basekhaya. Zikhona ezinye. Njengoba sesiye sakhomba ezinye zezimbangela, manje sidinga ukuhlola amakhambi. Uma umuntu esemkhayeni onobudlova, singaqedwa kanjani isibonelo sokuxhaphaza? Uyini umbono weBhayibheli? Ingabe ubudlova basekhaya buyoke buphele? Isihloko esisekhasini 10 sizoxoxa ngalemibuzo.

[Ibhokisi/Isithombe ekhasini 9]

Ubudlova Obungokomzwelo—Ukuchapha Ngamazwi

EKUXHAPHAZENI ngokomzimba ukuhlaselwa kwenziwa ngezinqindi; ekuxhaphazeni ngokomzwelo ukuhlaselwa kwenziwa ngamazwi. Umehluko usekukhetheni izikhali kuphela. Kunjengoba IzAga 12:18 zisho: “Bakhona abaphahluka njengokuhlaba kwenkemba, kepha izilimi zabahlakaniphileyo ziyimpiliso.”

Buyingozi kangakanani ubudlova obungokomzwelo, kuhlanganise nalokhu ‘kuhlaba kwenkemba’? UDkt. Susan Forward uyabhala: “Umphumela uyafana [nowokuxhaphaza ngokomzimba]. Umane nje uyesaba, umane nje uzizwa ungenalusizo, futhi umane nje uzwa ubuhlungu obukhulu,” ngokomzwelo.

Ubudlova obungokomzwelo kumlingane womshado: “Ubudlova phakathi kwabantu abashadile abubona nje obungokomzimba. Ingxenye enkulu, mhlawumbe ngisho enkulu kunazo zonke, ingokwamazwi nangokomzwelo,” kwasho esinye isisulu esaxhashazwa isikhathi eside. Ukuphatha kabi kungase kuhlanganise ukubiza ngamagama aziswana, ukuklabalasa, ukugxeka okungapheli, ukuthuka okwenyelisayo, nokusongela kobudlova obungokomzimba.

Amazwi enzondo alulazayo, ehlisayo, noma esabisayo angabangela ukulimala okukhulu kakhulu. Njengamanzi amfimfa edwaleni, ukugudlisela okululazayo kungase kubonakale kungenangozi ekuqaleni. Kodwa ukuzethemba kukhukhuleka ngokushesha. “Ukuba kwakumelwe ngikhethe phakathi kokuxhashazwa ngokomzimba noma ngokwamazwi, ngangiyokhetha ukushaywa noma nini,” kwasho omunye wesifazane. Wachaza: “Ungazibona izibazi, ngakho okungenani abantu bayakudabukela. Ukuxhashazwa ngamazwi, kumane kukuhlanyise. Izilonda azibonakali. Akukho-muntu onendaba.”

Ubudlova obungokomzwelo enganeni: Lokhu kungase kuhlanganise ukugxeka okungapheli nokululaza ukubonakala, ukuhlakanipha, ikhono, noma ukubaluleka kwengane njengomuntu. Ukubhuqa kulimaza kakhulu. Izingane ngokuvamile zithatha izinkulumo zokubhuqa njengoba zinjalo, zingahlukanisi phakathi kwalokho okushiwo ngobuqotho nalokho okushiwo “kudlalwa.” Isazi sokuphathwa kwemikhaya uSean Hogan-Downey siyaphawula: “Ingane izizwa ilimele, kodwa wonke umuntu uyahleka, ngakho ifunda ukungayethembi imizwa yayo.”

Ngakho, ezikhathini eziningi, kuneqiniso kulokho okwake kwashiwo yisazimlando nomlobi wezindaba waseScotland uThomas Carlyle: “Ngokuvamile umbhinqo manje ngiwubheka njengolimi lukaDeveli; kungalesosizathu ngawenqaba ngokuphelele kusukela kudala.”

UJoy Byers, isazi sokuxhashazwa kwezingane, uthi: “Ukuxhashazwa ngokomzimba kungase kuyibulale ingane, kodwa ungase futhi ubulale nobuntu, futhi yilokho ukujwayela ukusebenzisa izinkulumo eziphambene zobuzali okungakwenza.” Umagazini i-FLEducator uyaphawula: “Ngokungafani nenxeba elingabonakala futhi linyamalale, ukuxhashazwa ngokomzwelo kubangela izinguquko ezingabonakali engqondweni nasebuntwini bengane okubuguqula phakade ubunjalo nobudlelwane bakhe nabanye.”

[Isithombe ekhasini 7]

Ukuvulekela ebudloveni kunethonya elinamandla ekuziphatheni kwengane kwakamuva