Abazali Abaxhaphazayo—Imbangela Eyinhloko Yokucindezeleka
“Ngenxa yokuthi [izingane] azinawo umbono obanzi ngezinto ezenzeka ngaphandle komkhaya, izinto ezizifunda ekhaya ngazo ngokwazo kanye nangabanye ziba amaqiniso endawo yonke agxiliswa ngokujulile ezingqondweni zazo.”—Dkt. Susan Forward.
UMBUMBI angathatha isigaxa sobumba olungalolongekile, athele amanzi ngesilinganiso esifanele, futhi alulolonge lube isitsha esihle. Kungokufanayo, abazali balolonga indlela ingane ezibheka ngayo nebheka ngayo izwe. Ngothando, isiqondiso, nokuqeqesha, ingane iyakhula ibe umuntu omdala ozinzile.
Nokho, ngokuvamile kakhulu, abazali abaxhaphazayo bakha imiqondo ethile ezingqondweni nasezinhliziyweni zezingane. Ukuxhaphaza ngokomzwelo, ngokomzimba, nangokobulili kwakha izindlela zokucabanga ezisontekile ezigxilayo futhi kube nzima ukuzilolonga kabusha.
Ukuxhaphaza Ngokomzwelo
Amazwi angagadla ngaphezu kwamanqindi. UJason uthi, “Angilukhumbuli usuku [umama] angazange angitshele ngalo ukuthi ufisa sengathi ngangingazalwanga.” UKaren uyakhumbula: “Njalo ngangenziwa ukuba ngazi ukuthi ngimubi noma angigculisi.”
Ngokuvamile izingane ziyakukholelwa okushiwoyo ngazo. Khona-ke, uma umfana ehlala ebizwa ngokuthi uyisilima, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, angase azizwe eyisilima. Tshela intombazane ukuthi ayiyinto yalutho, futhi izokholelwa lokho kanye. Izingane zinombono olinganiselwe futhi ngokuvamile azikwazi ukubona okuyiqiniso kulokho okushiwo ngokweqisa kokuxhaphaza noma amanga.
Ukuxhaphaza Ngokomzimba
UJoe ukhumbula uyise owayemxhaphaza ngokomzimba: “Wayeqala angixhife ngezibhakela kuze kube yilapho esengicindezele odongeni. Wayengigqula kakhulu ngize ngidiyazele . . . Okwakwesabisa kakhulu kwakuwukungazi ukuthi yini ezomthukuthelisa!”
UJake wayeshaywa njalo uyise. Kokunye kwalokho kushaywa, lapho uJake eneminyaka eyisithupha nje kuphela, ingalo yakhe yephuka. UJake uyakhumbula: “Ngangenza ukuba yena noma odadewethu noma uMama bangangiboni ngikhala. Yilokho kuzazisa kuphela engangisele nakho.”
Incwadi ethi Strong at the Broken Places iphawula ukuthi ukuxhashazwa ngokomzimba usengumntwana kufana “nokuhileleka engozini yemoto nsuku zonke, masonto onke noma zinyanga zonke.” Ukuxhaphaza okunjalo kufundisa ingane ukuthi izwe alilondekile nokuthi akukho muntu ongathenjwa. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ngokuvamile ubudlova buzala ubudlova. “Uma izingane ziyekwa zingavikelwa kubantu abazixhaphazayo,” kuxwayisa umagazini i-Time, “khona-ke ngolunye usuku umphakathi kuyodingeka uvikelwe ezinganeni.”
Ukuxhashazwa Ngokobulili
Ngokokunye ukulinganisela, intombazane eyodwa kwamathathu nomfana oyedwa kwabangu-7 baye baphoqelelwa ukuba bahlanganyele ebulilini bengakedluli eminyakeni engu-18 ubudala. Eziningi zalezingane ziyathula lapho zihlushwa. “Njengamasosha aduke empini,” kuphawula incwadi ethi The Child in Crisis, “zihlala zidukile iminyaka eminingi ehlathini lazo lokwesaba nelomuzwa wecala.”
“Yeka indlela engangimzonda ngayo ubaba ngokungixhaphaza futhi yeka ukuthi ngangizizwa nginecala kanjani ngokumzonda,” kusho uLouise. “Ngangizizwa ngihlazekile ngempela ngoba ingane kufanele ibathande abazali bayo futhi mina ngangingabathandi njalo.” Imizwa enjalo ekhungathekisayo iyaqondakala lapho umvikeli oyinhloko wengane eba iselelesi. UBeverly Engel uyabuza kwethi The Right to Innocence: “Singakwamukela kanjani ukuthi umzali wethu osizalayo, othile obekufanele asithande futhi asikhathalele, angasikhathalela kancane kangaka?”
Ukuxhashazwa ngokobulili kungasonta wonke umbono wengane ngokuphila. “Wonke umuntu omdala owanukubezwa ngokobulili eseyingane ukhula enemizwa esontekile yokuzizwa engafaneleki ngokungenathemba, engento yalutho, futhi emubi ngempela,” kubhala uDkt. Susan Forward.
Akupheli
“Akuwona nje umzimba wengane oxhashazwayo noma onganakekelwa,” kubhala umcwaningi uLinda T. Sanford. “Imikhaya enezinkinga ixhaphaza ingqondo yengane.” Lapho ingane ixhashazwa, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kungokomzwelo, ngokomzimba, noma ngokobulili, ingakhula inomuzwa wokungathandwa nowokungabi yinto yalutho.
UJason, okukhulunywe ngaye ngaphambili, wayezenyeza kangangokuba lapho esemdala kwakuthiwa usengozini yokuzibulala. Ezibeka ngokungadingekile ezimweni ezisongela ukuphila wayebheka ukuphila kwakhe ngendlela unina ayemfundise ngayo: ‘Kwakungafanele uzalwe.’
Ecabanga ngemiphumela yokuxhashazwa ngokomzimba eseyingane, uJoe uthi: “Imiphumela yakho ayiqedwa ukuthi awusahlali ekhaya noma ukuthi usushadile. Njalo ngihlala ngesaba okuthile, futhi ngiyazizonda ngenxa yalokho.” Ukucindezela kwekhaya elixhaphazayo ngokomzimba kubangela izingane eziningi ukuba zikhule zilindele ukuphathwa kabi futhi zizivikela ngokweqile okwenza kube sengathi zisejele kunokuba zivikelekile.
KuConnie, ukuxhashazwa isihlobo ngokobulili kwakha umbono osontekile ngaye ngokwakhe owagxila kakhulu lapho esemdala: “Ngisacabanga kakhulu ngesikhathi lapho abantu beyongibuka khona ngaphakathi futhi babone indlela engenyanyeka ngayo.”
Zonke izinhlobo zokuxhaphaza zifundisa izifundo eziwushevu ezingagxila kakhulu ngesikhathi umuntu esemdala. Yiqiniso, okwafundwa kungakhishwa engqondweni. Uquqaba lwalabo ababhekana nakho abaye balulama ekuxhashazweni beseyizingane bayalifakazela lelophuzu. Kodwa yeka ukuthi bekungangcono kanjani ukube abazali bebeqaphela ukuthi kusukela esikhathini sokuzala ingane yabo, balolonga ingxenye enkulu yombono wayo ngayo ngokwayo nangezwe. Inhlalakahle yengane engokomzimba nengokomzwelo ngezinga elikhulu isezandleni zabazali bayo.
[Isithombe ekhasini 7]
Amazwi angagadla ngaphezu kwamanqindi