Imisuka Engokwengqondo

SENGIKWENZE konke ukuhlola, kodwa akubonakali lutho,” udokotela onomusa etshela uElizabeth. “Ngikholwa ukuthi ucindezeleke kakhulu futhi ngesizathu esihle.”

UElizabeth, owayenomuzwa wokuthi inkinga yakhe yayiwukugula okungokomzimba, waqala ukuzibuza ukuthi udokotela wayeqinisile yini. Wakhumbula umshikashika wakhe wansuku zonke eminyakeni embalwa edlule nendodana yakhe eneminyaka eyisithupha eyihlongandlebe, futhi eyayivame ukungalawuleki, kamuva okwatholakala ukuthi yayinokuphazamiseka ngenxa yokunganakwa. “Ukudangala kobusuku nemini kanye novalo okungazange kunciphe kwayiphazamisa kakhulu imizwelo yami,” kwembula uElizabeth. “Ngase ngifinyelele esikhathini lapho ngazizwa ngingenathemba futhi ngifisa ukuzibulala.”

Abantu abaningi abacindezelekile, njengoElizabeth, baye babhekana nezinga eliphakeme lokucindezeleka okungokomzwelo. Eqinisweni, ukuhlola okuphawulekayo kwabacwaningi abangamaNgisi uGeorge Brown noTirril Harris kwathola ukuthi abesifazane abacindezelekile baba nesilinganiso “sobunzima obukhulu,” njengezindlu ezisesimweni esibi noma ukungezwani emkhayeni, lokho okwakungaphezu kokuphindwe kathathu kunokwalabo besifazane abangacindezelekile. Lobunzima babuye babangela “ukuphazamiseka kwemizwelo okukhulu nokunganciphi” okungenani iminyaka emibili. Okuhlangenwe nakho kokuphila okunzima, njengokufa kwesihlobo esiseduze noma komngane, ukugula okukhulu noma ingozi, izindaba ezimbi ngokwethusayo, noma ukulahlekelwa umsebenzi, nakho kwakukuningi ngaphezu kokuphindwe kane phakathi kwabesifazane abacindezelekile!

Nokho, uBrown noHarris bathola ukuthi usizi lulodwa alukubangeli ukucindezeleka. Okuningi kuya ngokusabela kwengqondo nokuphazamiseka komuntu ngokwemizwelo.

“Konke Kwabonakala Kungathembisi”

Ngokwesibonelo, uSarah, inkosikazi ekhutheleyo futhi engumama wezingane ezintathu ezincane, wazilimaza iqolo engozini ephathelene nomsebenzi. Udokotela wakhe wathi kwakumelwe anciphise eminingi yemisebenzi yakhe yamandla ngenxa yokuphuka kwethanjana lomhlandla. “Ngacabanga ukuthi kwakuphelile ngami. Ngangiwumuntu okhuthele, ongumgijimi ngidlala imidlalo nezingane zami. Ngacabanga ngalokhu kulahlekelwa futhi ngaba nomuzwa wokuthi kwakungenakubuye kube ngcono. Ngokushesha ngalahlekelwa yiyo yonke injabulo yokuphila. Konke kwabonakala kungenathemba,” kusho uSarah.

Ukusabela kwakhe kuleyongozi kwamholela emicabangweni yokungabi nathemba ngokuqondene nakho konke ukuphila kwakhe, futhi lokhu kwabangela ukucindezeleka. Njengoba uBrown noHarris, encwadini yabo iSocial Origins of Depression, besho: “[Isenzakalo esicasulayo, njengengozi kaSarah] singase siholele emicabangweni yokungabi nathemba kwakho konke ukuphila komuntu. Yileso siphetho sokungabi nathemba esikholwa ukuthi sakha umnyombo oyinhloko wokuphazamiseka kwengqondo okucindezelayo.”

Kodwa yini eyenza abantu abaningi bazizwe bengenakukwazi ukulungisa umonakalo wokulahlekelwa okukhulu, okubabangela ukuba bacindezeleke kakhulu? Ngokwesibonelo, kungani uSarah ayehlushwa uchungechunge lwemicabango enjalo ephambene?

‘Angibalulekile⁹

“Sonke isikhathi ngiye ngantula ukuzethemba,” kuchaza uSarah. “Ukuzihlonipha kwami kwehla kakhulu, futhi ngazizwa ngingabalulekile ukuba nginganakwa othile.” Imizwa ebuhlungu ehambisana nokuba umuntu azibone engabalulekile ngokuvamile kuyisici esiyingozi. IzAga 15:13 zithi: “Ngosizi lwenhliziyo uyachotshozwa umoya.” lBhayibheli liyavuma ukuthi umphumela ungaba umoya ocindezelekile, hhayi ukucindezeleka kwangaphandle kuphela, kodwa nokukhononda ngaphakathi. Yini engabangela ukwehla kokuzihlonipha?

Ezinye zezindlela zokucabanga zenziwa yindlela esakhuliswa ngayo. “Abazali bami babengalokothi bangibonge ngisengumntwana,” kwembula uSarah. “Angikhumbuli nhlobo ngituswa kwaze kwaba yilapho sengishadile. Ngakho-ke, ngafuna ukwamukeleka kwabanye. Nginalokhu kwesaba okukhulu kokungamukeleki kubantu.”

Isidingo esinamandla sikaSarah sokwamukeleka siyinto evamile kwabaningi abacindezeleka kakhulu. Ukuhlola kuye kwembula ukuthi abantu abanjalo bathambekele ekwakheni isithunzi sabo othandweni nasekwamukelekeni abakuthola kwabanye, kunasempumelelweni yabo siqu. Bangase balinganise ukubaluleka kwabo ngezinga abathandeka noma ababaluleke ngalo kothile. Elinye iqembu labacwaningi liyabika: “Ukulahleka kokusekela okunjalo, kuyoholela ekwehleni kwesithunzi somuntu futhi lokhu kusekela kakhulu ekuhlaseleni kokucindezeleka.”

Ukufuna Ukuba Ngophelele

Ukukhathazeka ngokweqile ngokuzuza ukwamukeleka kwabanye ngokuvamile kuzibonakalisa ngendlela engajwayelekile. USarah uyachaza: “Ngalwela ukwenza konke ngendlela efanele ukuze ngithole ukwamukeleka engingakutholanga ngiseyingane. Emsebenzini wami wokuziphilisa, ngenza konke ngendlela. Ngalwela ukuba nomkhaya ‘ophelele’. Nganginalombono okwakumelwe ngiphile ngokuvumelana nawo.” Nokho, lapho evelelwa yingozi, konke kwabonakala kungenathemba. Uyanezela: “Ngangikholwa ukuthi ngiyawunakekela umkhaya futhi ngesaba ukuthi uma ngingasebenzi, uzosilela khona-ke abantu bathi ‘Ungumama nonkosikazi ongalungile.’” Ukucabanga kukaSarah kwaholela ekucindezelekeni okukhulu. Ukuhlola ubuntu babantu abacindezelekile kwembula ukuthi inkinga yakhe ayiyona engavamile. UMargaret, naye owaphathwa ukucindezeleka okukhulu, wavuma: “Ngangikhathazwa ukuthi abanye abantu bacabangani ngami. Ngangifuna ukuba umuntu ophelele, ogcina isikhathi, ofuna ukuhleleka.” Ukubeka imigomo ephakeme engenakwenzeka noma ukuba nonembeza obukhali ngokweqile, kodwa uhluleka ukuphila ngokuvumelana nezifiso, kuwumsuka wokucindezeleka okuningi. Umshumayeli 7:16 uyaxwayisa: “Ungabi ngolungileyo ngokudluleleyo, ungazenzi ohlakaniphileyo kakhulu; uzichithelani na?” Ukuzama ukuzibonakalisa kwabanye ungocishe ube “ophelele” kungaholela ekuzibulaleni ngokomzwelo nangokomzimba. Ukukhungatheka kungase kuholele nasohlotsheni oluyingozi lokuzisola.

“Akukho Engingakwenza Kahle”

Ukuzisola kungase kube isinyathelo esihle. Ngokwesibonelo, umuntu angase agcwelezwe ngenxa yokuhamba yedwa endaweni eyingozi. Angase azisole ngokuzibeka esimweni esinjalo, anqume ukushintsha futhi ngaleyondlela agweme inkinga efanayo ngokuzayo. Kodwa umuntu angase aqhubeke futhi azisole ngokuba uhlobo lomuntu ayilo ngokuthi: ‘Ngingumuntu onganaki nje ongakwazi ukuhlala engenankathazo.’ Loluhlobo lokuzisola lulimaza isimo somuntu futhi lululaza ukuzihlonipha.

Isibonelo sokuzisola okunjalo okulimazayo senzeka kuMaria oneminyaka engama-32. Wabambela udadewabo omdala igqubu izinyanga eziyisithupha ngenxa yokungezwani. Ngobunye ubusuku wathethisa udadewabo ocingweni. Umama wabo, ngemva kokuzwa ngalokho uMaria ayekwenzile, wambiza futhi wamjezisa kanzima.

UMaria wachaza: “Ngamthukuthelela umama, kodwa mina ngazithukuthelela ngisho nangaphezulu, ngoba ngayibona indlela engangone ngayo udadewethu.” Ngokushesha ngemva kwalokho wathethisa indodana yakhe eneminyaka eyisishiyagalolunye, eyayingalaleli. Lomfana, owathukuthela kakhulu, kamuva wathi kuye: “Mama, kubonakale sengathi ubufuna ukungibulala!”

UMaria wadumala. Wabika: “Ngaba nomuzwa wokuthi ngangingumuntu omubi. Ngacabanga, ‘akukho engingakwenza ngendlela efanele!’ Ilokho kuphela engangingacabanga ngakho. Khona-ke ukucindezeleka okukhulu kwaqala ngempela.” Ukuzisola kwakhe kwabonakala kulimaza.

Ingabe konke lokhu kusho ukuthi noma ubani onokucindezeleka okukhulu uzihloniphe kancane? Yiqiniso akunjalo. Izimbangela ziyinkimbinkimbi futhi ziyizinhlobonhlobo. Ngisho nalapho umphumela uyilokho iBhayibheli elikubiza ngokuthi ‘ubuhlungu benhliziyo,’ kunemizwelo eminingi ebangela lokhu, kuhlanganise nokuthukuthela okungapheli, ukucasuka, umuzwa wecala—wangempela noma wokweqisa—kanye nezingxabano ezingaxazululwanga nabanye. (izAga 15:13) Konke lokhu kungaholela ekubeni nomoya ophansi, noma ekucindezelekeni.

Lapho uSarah eqaphela ukuthi ukucabanga kwakhe kwakuyimbangela yokuningi kokucindezeleka kwakhe, wadumala. Wachaza: “Kodwake ngazizwa ngikhululeke kakhulu, ngoba ngaqaphela ukuthi uma ukucabanga kwami kukubangele, khona-ke ukucabanga kwami kwakungakuqeda futhi.” USarah wathi lomcabango wawumjabulisa, echaza: “Ngaqaphela ukuthi uma ngishintsha indlela engangicabanga ngayo ngezinto ezithile, lokhu kwakungayiguqula impilo yami kusukela manje kuqhubeke njalo.”

USarah wenza ushintsho oludingekile, futhi ukucindezeleka kwakhe kwaphela. UMaria, uMargaret, noElizabeth ngokufanayo bayinqoba impi yabo. Yiluphi ushintsho abalwenza?

[Amazwi acashunwe esihlokweni ekhasini 24]

‘Lapho ngiqaphela ukuthi imicabango yami yabangela ukucindezeleka

kwami, lokhu kwangikhulula futhi kwangiduduza ngoba ngakholwa ukuthi ngangingakuqeda futhi.’

[Ibhokisi ekhasini 22, 23]

Ukucindezeleka Kwabantwana: “Ngifisa Sengathi Ngabe Angiphili”

Ingxoxo noDr. Donald McKnew weNhlangano Yezizwe Yempilo Yengqondo, oseke wahlola lendaba iminyaka engama-20.

Phaphama!: Lenkinga uyicabangela njengeyande kangakanani?

McKnew: Ukuhlola kwamuva kwaseNew Zealand kwabantwana abayinkulungwane kwathola ukuthi ngesikhathi befinyelela iminyaka eyi-9, abantwana abangamaphesenti ayi-10 kakade sebeye badlula esikhathini sokucindezeleka. Futhi sithola umbono wokuthi abantwana besikole abangamaphesenti ayi-10 kuya kwayi-15 banokuphazamiseka kwesimo sengqondo. Isibalo esincane siguliswa ukucindezeleka okukhulu.

Phaphama!: Ungabona kanjani uma abantwana becindezeleke kakhulu?

McKnew: Olunye lwezimpawu eziyinhloko ukuthi abatholi njabulo kunoma yini. Abafuni ukuyodlala noma ukuba nabangane babo. Abanasithakazelo emkhayeni. Ubona ukwehluleka ukugxilisa ingqondo; abakwazi ukugcina izingqondo zabo zisezinhlelweni zethelevishini, kungasakhulunywa ngomsebenzi wabo wesikole wasekhaya. Ubona umuzwa wokungabi yilutho, umuzwa womuntu siqu wokuba necala. Bahamba bethi bacabanga ukuthi abalutho noma akekho obathandayo. Kuphakathi kokuthi abakwazi ukulala noma balala kakhulu; balahlekelwa uthando lokudla noma badle kakhulu. Futhi uzwa imiqondo yokuzibulala enjengokuthi, “Ngifisa sengathi ngabe angiphili.” Uma ubona inhlanganisela yalezimpawu, futhi sekuthatha isonto noma amabili, khona-ke ukhuluma ngomntwana ocindezeleke ngokungathi sina.

Phaphama!: Yiziphi izimbangela eziyinhloko zokucindezeleka kwabantwana?

McKnew: Uma ufinyelela ezicini ezithile ekuphileni kwanoma yimuphi umntwana, cishe into enkulu ukulahlekelwa. Nakuba lokhu ngokuvamile kusho ukulahlekelwa umzali, kungase kuhlanganise abangane, izihlobo eziseduze, noma ngisho isilwane. Okulandela ukulahlekelwa ngingabeka ukubukelwa phansi nokunganakwa. Sibona abantwana abaningi kakhulu abanyundelayo futhi abenziwa bazizwe bengelutho ngabazali babo. Ngezinye izikhathi umntwana kusulelwa kuye konke. Ubekwa icala ngakho konke okonakalayo emkhayeni kungakhathaliseki ukuthi unephutha noma akanalo. Ngakho, uzizwa engelutho. Esinye isici ukuphazamiseka kwesimo sengqondo yomzali.

Phaphama!: Incwadi ethi Why Isn’t Johnny Crying?, owayibhala kanye nabanye, ithi abanye abantwana abacindezelekile bangenela imikhuba yokusebenzisa kabi imilaliso notshwala noma ngisho nokuziphatha kobushinga. Kungani kuba njalo?

McKnew: Sikholelwa ukuthi bazama ukufihla ukucindezeleka, ngisho nakubo

ngokwabo. Ngokuvamile indlela yabo yokubhekana nakho iwukuzigcina bematasa ngezinye izinto, njengokweba izimoto, ukusebenzisa imilaliso, noma ukuphuza. Lezi izindlela zokufihla ukuthi bazizwa kabi kangakanani. Eqinisweni, ukuzama ukufihla ukucindezeleka kwabo kungenye yezindlela ezicace kakhulu abantwana abahluka ngazo kubantu abadala.

Phaphama!: Ungabona ngani uma kuwukucindezeleka futhi kungekhona ukuthi umntwana umane nje uziphatha kabi?

McKnew: Ngokukhuluma nabantwana, ukubenza bakhulume, ngokuvamile uyothola ukucindezeleka. Futhi uma ukucindezeleka kwelashwe kahle, ukuziphatha kwabo kuyothuthuka. Nakuba bekubonakala okunye okuthile, ukucindezeleka bekulokhu kukhona kufihlekile sonke isikhathi.

Phaphama!: Ungamenza kanjani umntwana ocindezelekile ukuba akhulume?

McKnew: Okokuqala, khetha isikhathi nendawo ethule. Khona-ke buza imibuzo eqondile enjengokuthi, ‘Ingabe kukhona okuthile okukukhathazayo? ‘Ingabe ubuzizwa udabukile?’ ‘Ingabe uphatheke kabi?’ Uma kukade kukhona ukulahlekelwa othile, ungase ubuze, kuye ngokwezimo, ‘Ingabe ugogo umkhumbula njengami?’ Nikeza umntwana ithuba lokuveza imizwa yakhe.

Phaphama!: Yini ongayitshela umntwana ocindezeleke kakhulu ukuba ayenze?

McKnew: Tshela abazali bakhe ngakho. Lomsebenzi wokuthola ukucindezeleka ungongathi sina ngoba ngokuvamile abantwana kuphela abaziyo ukuthi bacindezelekile. Ngokuvamile abazali nothisha abakuboni. Ngiye ngabona intsha eye yaya kubazali bayo futhi yathi, “Ngicindezelekile, ngidinga usizo,” futhi iye yaluthola.

Phaphama!: Umzali angamsiza kanjani umntwana ocindezelekile?

McKnew: Uma ukucindezeleka kubonakala kumqeda amandla, khona-ke akuseyona into yokusingathwa ekhaya, njengoba kunjalo ngepneumonia. Ukucindezeleka okuqeda amandla kumelwe kubikwe kochwepheshe ngoba kungase kube khona isidingo sokwelashwa. Sisebenzisa imithi yokwelapha kwabangaphezu kwengxenye yabayiziguli zethu, ngisho nakubantwana kuze kufike kwabaneminyaka emihlanu ubudala. Sizama futhi nokulungisa ukucabanga komntwana. Futhi ngalezindlela ukucindezeleka kuphela ngokuphawulekayo.

Phaphama!: Uma kungekhona ukugula okuqeda amandla, yini umzali angayenza?

McKnew: Zihlole ngobuqotho wena nomkhaya wakho. Ingabe kuye kwaba khona ukulahlekelwa okungathi sina okudinga ukuba kukhulunywe ngakho? Uma kuba khona ukulahlekelwa ngokufa, ungakubukeli phansi ukudabuka komntwana. Mnike inkululeko yokubhekana nosizi lwakhe. Nikeza umntwana ocindezelekile isilinganiso esikhethekile sokunakwa, ukutuswa, nokuvikelwa ngokwemizwelo. Chitha isikhathi esengeziwe unaye yedwa. Ukuhileleka kwakho kothando kuyindlela engcono kakhulu yokwelapha.