Intsha Iyabuza . . .

Ingabe Idivosi Yabazali Bami Iyokonakalisa Ukuphila Kwami?

ZIMPOFU ngokwezomnotho, zicindezelekile, zithambekele ekugangeni nasekwehlulekeni emshadweni—lowo umbono omubi ezinye izazi eziwuvezayo ngezingane zabazali abadivosile. Ngakho-ke uma abazali bakho bedivosile, ngokuqondakalayo ungase ulesabele ikusasa lakho.

Eqinisweni, kungenzeka ukuthi kakade idivosi yabazali bakho isibonakale ikonakalisa ukuphila kwakho. UDenny osemusha uyakhumbula: “Ngangingathokozi futhi ngicindezelekile ngemva kokudivosa kwabazali bami. Ngaqala ukuba nezinkinga esikoleni futhi ngangaphumelela unyaka owodwa. Ngemva kwalokho ngathi, ‘Kusizani?’ Ngakho-ke ngaba inhlekisa ekilasini futhi ngahileleka ekulweni okuningi.” Abanye abasha baze basabele ngisho nangokuphendukela otshwaleni, ezidakamizweni, noma ebulilini—noma ngokwenza izinqumo zokuphamazela eziyingozi.

Nokho, kungani idivosi yonakalisa ukuphila kwabasha abaningi kangaka? Futhi ungayivimbela kanjani ekubeni yonakalise okwakho?

Lokho Okwenziwa Ubuhlungu Obungokomzwelo

Ngemva kwedivosi, abanye abasha babonakalisa ukukhungatheka kwabo nentukuthelo ngokuba baziphathe ngezindlela ababengasoze bazicabange ngaphambili. Ngabanye abasha, ukuziphatha kabi kuyindlela esontekile ‘yokujezisa’ abazali babo ngokudivosa. Ngezinye izikhathi kuwukuzicelela ukunakekela kwabazali ababonakala ngokungazelelwe sebephelelwe isithakazelo ezinganeni zabo. “Umama wayengekho ekhaya,” kulila uTina oneminyaka eyi-15. “Kwakungekho siyalo futhi kungekho namithetho, kuyindlu nje engenamuntu. Ngahileleka kanjalo ezidakamizweni nasebulilini.”

Nokho, kungani abazali ngezinye izikhathi beyeka ukusebenzisa isiyalo ngemva kwedivosi? Ngokuvamile, kungenxa yokuba nabo ngokwabo basuke bephethwe ubuhlungu obukhulu obungokomzwelo. Kanjalo omunye wesifazane owayedivosile wavuma: “Angibanakanga ngempela abantwana bami. Ngemva kwedivosi, kwamina ngangimahlaphahlapha, ngangingeke ngikwazi ukubasiza.”

Isidingo Sokuthatha Umthwalo Wemfanelo

Kungenzeka ngempela ukuba ukuziphatha okwethusayo kubangelwe abazali. Kodwa yini ngempela efezwayo, kunokunezela ukucindezeleka esimweni esicindezelayo kakade? Okuwukuphela komuntu “ojeziswayo” ngokwenza okubi umenzi wobubi. Umfana oneminyaka eyi-19 okwathi, ngemva kokudivosa kwabazali bakhe, wahileleka emilalisweni, ekuziphatheni okubi, nasekwebeni, wavuma: “Ngizwa ubuhlungu ngenxa yalamaphutha.”—Qhathanisa nabaseGalathiya 6:7.

Iseluleko seBhayibheli kumaHeberu 12:13 sinengqondo: “Nenzele izinyawo zenu izindlela eziqondileyo ukuba okuqhugayo kungaphinyazeki.” Ngisho nalapho isiyalo sabazali singekho, asikho isizathu sokuziphatha kabi, ikakhulukazi uma uye wafundiswa izimiso zokulunga. “Owaziyo ukwenza okuhle engakwenzi kuyisono kuye.” (Jakobe 4:17) Thatha umthwalo wemfanelo ngezenzo zakho bese usebenzisa ukuzikhuza. (1 Korinte 9:27) Gwema izenzo ongase uzisole ngazo kukho konke ukuphila kwakho.

Izinqumo Ezingacatshangiwe

Enye indlela abasha abangonakalisa ngayo ikusasa labo ngemva kwedivosi yabazali babo ingukwenza izinqumo ezingacatshangiwe. Bentula ukuqondisa kwabazali okuqinile, abaningi bashiya isikole—ngaphandle kokucabanga ngokuthi bayozondla kanjani ngesikhathi esizayo. Abaye bathatha ithuba lokuqala elivelayo lokubalekela ukuphila okungathokozisi kwasekhaya. Owesifazane osemusha uLynn uyakhumbula: “Njengengane yabazali abadivosile, ngaba nomuzwa wokuthi nganginomlando omubi, sengathi ngangenze okuthile okubi. Ngazibuza, ‘Ngubani ongafuna ukushada nami?’ Ngakho lapho umfana wasemkhayeni omuhle efuna ukushada nami, ngashada naye, nakuba sobabili sasingakakulungeli ukushada.” Ngokudabukisayo, ngokushesha sadivosa.

Nokho, kunengqondo ukugwema ukwenza izinqumo ezinzima lapho usadideke kakhulu ukuba ungacabanga kahle. “Oqondileyo uyaqaphela ukunyathela kwakhe.” (IzAga 14:15) Uma abazali bakho bebonakala bephazamiseke kakhulu ukuba bangakulalela, kungani ungaxoxi ngezinqumo zakho nomngane osekhulile?

Ukukhathazeka Ngendlela Yokuziphilisa

Ukungabibikho kukababa manje ekhaya (njengoba ngokuvamile kuba njalo) kungase kuveze enye inkinga ngekusasa lakho. Ngokokuqala ngqá ungase uzithole usukhathazeka ngezinto owawuzithatha kalula ngaphambili—ukudla, izembatho, indawo yokukhosela, nemali.

Ingabe ubulawa yindlala? Cishe akunjalo. Abazali ngokuvamile bazama indlela ethile yokondla izingane zabo ngemva kwedivosi, ngisho noma lokho kungase kudinge ukuba uMama asebenze. Nokho, ngokudabukisayo abazali ngokuvamile bayehluleka ukuchazela izingane zabo noma yikuphi kwalokhu. Ngakho-ke kungase kudingeke ukuba ube yindodana noma indodakazi yangempela kubazali bakho futhi uxoxe ngokukhathazeka kwakho nabo. (IzAga 4:3, qhathanisa neNW) Ngesizotha buza ukuthi malungiselelo mani aye enziwa ngokondliwa kwakho. Uma abazali bakho bephazamiseke kakhulu ukuba bangaxoxa ngalendaba, bahawukele. (1 Petru 3:8) Lindela elinye ithuba elifanelekile lokuba uphinde ubuze.—IzAga 15:23.

Nakuba kunjalo, incwadi ethi Surviving the Breakup ixwayisa ngokuyiqiniso: “Okwakondla umkhaya owodwa manje sekufanele kondle imikhaya emibili, kanjalo wonke amalungu omkhaya aphoqelelwe ukuba ehlise izinga lawo lokuphila, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi linjani izinga lomnotho.” Ngakho-ke, kungase kudingeke ukuba manje uzijwayeze ukuphila ngaphandle kwezinto owawujwayele ukuzijabulela—njengezingubo ezintsha. Kodwa iBhayibheli liyasikhumbuza: “Asilethanga-lutho ezweni; kusobala ukuthi singemuke nalutho futhi; kepha uma sinokudla nezambatho, asaneliswe yikho.” (1 Thimothewu 6:7, 8) Mhlawumbe ungasiza ngisho nasekuhleleni kabusha ukusetshenziswa kwemali yomkhaya. Khumbula futhi ukuthi, uJehova, “uyise wezintandane.” (IHubo 68:5) Ungaqiniseka ngokuthi uzikhathalela ngokujulile izidingo zakho.

Umphumela Emshadweni Womuntu Siqu

Njengoba abazali bakho beye behluleka emshadweni, kungokuzwakalayo ukuthi ungase ukhathazeke ngethemba lokujabulela umshado ophumelelayo wena siqu. Ngenhlanhla, umshado ongenantokozo awuyona into oyizuza njengefa kubazali bakho—njengezishada. Ungumuntu ohlukile, futhi ukuthi umshado wakho wesikhathi esizayo uyoba njani ngeke kuxhomeke ekwehlulekeni kwabazali bakho, kodwa ezingeni wena nomlingane wakho enisebenzisa ngalo iZwi likaNkulunkulu. Ukuphuma kwakho emkhayeni ongathokozi akumelwe kukuvimbele ekubeni ngolunye usuku ujabulele umshado olondekile esikhathini esizayo uma uwakhela othandweni olungenabugovu. Olunjalo “uthando alusoze lwahluleka.”—1 Korinte 13:8, NW.

Ngokwesibonelo, uAnnette wakhuliswa. ubaba oyisidakwa, owayewushiya njalo umkhaya wakhe. “Ngenxa yalokho ngizizwa ngingalondekile,” kuvuma uAnnette. “Ngisho namanje, angizwani nokuba indoda yami ihambe iyokwenza okuthile ngaphandle kokuba ingiqinisekise ngokuthi izobuya.” Nakuba kunjalo, uAnnette uthi ngokuqhubekayo: “Nganquma ukuthi lapho ngishada, umshado wami uyoba nokuthula nokuthi ngiyoshada nomuntu engaziyo ukuthi ngiyothokoza ngaye. Manje sengiyathokoza futhi nginomuzwa wokuthi ukuhlukana kwabazali bami akusangikhathazi.”

Ukukwenza Kusize Wena

UJeremiya waphawula: “Kuhle kumuntu ukuba athwale ijoka ebusheni bakhe.” (IsiLilo 3:27) Cha, akukho lutho “oluhle” ekubukeleni abazali behlukana. Kodwa kungenzeka ukuba wenze ngisho nalokhu okuhlangenwe nakho okubi kusize wena.

Ngokwesibonelo, ungase uphoqeleke ukuba uthathe imithwalo yemfanelo eyengeziwe yasekhaya. Lokhu kungakusiza uthuthukise amakhono angaba usizo kamuva ekuphileni. Umcwaningi uJudith Wallerstein waphawula ngokuqhubekayo: “Ukukhula okungokomzwelo nokungokwengqondo [ezinganeni zabazali abadivosile] okuye kwahluzwa isimo esibi somkhaya kwakumangaza futhi ngezinye izikhathi kuthinta inhliziyo. Abasha . . . bakucabangela ngomqondo ohluzekile okuhlangenwe nakho kwabazali babo base benza izinqumo ezinengqondo ngekusasa labo siqu. Babezama ukuthola izindlela zokugwema amaphutha ayenziwe abazali babo.”

UPaul osemncane wakuthola kuyiqiniso lokhu. Abazali bakhe bahlukana esemncane, futhi wayehliswa enyuswa phakathi kwabazali abalwayo. Nokho, wathola izinzuzo ezithile ngokubekezelela ngokuphumelelayo lesisimo. Uthi: “Ngizimisele ukungawaphindi amaphutha abazali bami.” Futhi njengoba afunda ukuphila ngaphansi kwesimo esishintshashintshayo, uthi: “Kulula ngami ukuzivumelanisa nezimo.” UKeith, umfana oye wabona abazali bakhe bedivosa kabili, naye uye wedlula kukho engenamyocu. Uyavuma, “Nginakho ukungalondeki. Kodwa ngicabanga ukuthi wonke umuntu unakho. Futhi angicabangi ukuthi nami ngiyokwenza okuye kwenziwa abazali bami ngoba ngizimisele ukusebenzisa ingqondo kakhudlwana kunabo.”

Akukho kungabaza ngakho, ukuhlukana kwabazali bakho ngokuqinisekile kuyoshiya isibazi ekuphileni kwakho. Kodwa ukuthi lesosibazi siyoba isisihla sesikhashana noma inxeba elikhevezile ngokwezinga elikhulu kuxhomeke kuwe

[Isithombe ekhasini 14]

Athinteka kanjani amathemba engane esikhathi esizayo uma abazali bayo bedivosa?