Intsha Iyabuza . . .
Kungani Umama Nobaba Bahlukana
“Ubaba wayesishiyile ngaphambili,” kusho uDenny. “Kodwa wayebuya njalo.” Nokho, lesisikhathi sasihlukile. Kukhumbula uMaurice, umfowabo kaDenny omncane: “Ngolunye usuku ngangisendlini yomzanyana wami, lapho ngangikwazi ukubona igceke lakithi langemuva. Ngabona ubaba ezama ukugqekeza endlini yakithi. Khona-ke ngabona ukuthi wayengasahlali nathi. Kwenzeka ukuthi umama wayesezishintshile izihluthulelo zeminyango.”
NgoAnnette, ukwehlukana kwabazali bakhe kwakungenalo uphawu olunjalo lwesiphetho. “Abazali bami babelokhu behlukana—kusukela ngineminyaka eyisishiyagalombili,” ekhumbula. “Kodwa babengakaze bahlukane isikhathi eside. Ngemva kwezinyanga ezimbalwa, uMama wayebiza uBaba futhi athi, ‘Kulungile, ngiyakuthethelela’ futhi babebuyelana. Kodwa ubaba ungumlutha wotshwala. Wayevele nje azisaphaze ngokuphelele izinto zikamama bese ebuya, futhi umama wayemxolela. Ngangingakuthandi ukwenza kukamama kanjalo.”
IDIVOSI. Ukwehlukana. Ukuchitheka kwemishado. Ngonyaka intsha engaphezu kwesigidi eUnited States iyodwa ibona ukuchitheka okubuhlungu komshado wabazali bayo.
Idivosi izwisa ubuhlungu. Ngokuvamile ibangela ukuhlaselwa amahloni, ulaka, ukukhathazeka, ukwesaba ukulahlwa, umuzwa wecala, ukucindezeleka, imizwa yokulahlekelwa okukhulu—ngisho nesifiso sokuziphindisela. Intsha engenhla ikubeka ngalendlela:
“Ngangithukuthela. Ngajabula ngokuthi ekugcineni kwase kunokuthula ekhaya, kodwa ngangingajabuli neze ngokuthi uBaba wayesehambile. Angizange ngicabange ukuthi kwakulungile ukuba uBaba ahambe!”—Maurice.
“Ngangidabukile futhi ngidumele. Sasifike kulendawo njengomkhaya, futhi manje sase sihlukene. Lapho abantu bebuza ukuthi ‘Uphi uBaba wakho?’ ngangimbandaza nje, kodwa ngangingalokothi ngisho ukuthi abazali bami babehlukene.”—Denny.
“Ngazizwa ngilahliwe futhi nginecala. Mina nomama sasinobuhlobo obuseduze njalo, okuyinto uBaba ayengayifuni. Ngagizibuza ukuthi kazi babeyohlalisana kangcono yini ukuba kwakungengenxa yami.”—Annette.
Indlela Idivosi Ekuthinta Ngayo
Uma abazali bakho muva nje beye badivosa noma behlukana, nawe futhi ungase uzizwe udidekile futhi uthukuthele. Kanti nokho, uMdali wethu onothando wakudalela ukuba ukhuliswe yibo bobabili umama nobaba abakuthandayo. (Efesu 6:1-3) Kodwa, manje usuye walahlekelwa ukuba khona kwansuku zonke komzali omthandayo. “Empeleni ngangibheka kubaba futhi ngifuna ukuba naye,” kulila uPaul, obazali bakhe bahlukana lapho eneminyaka eyisikhombisa. “Kodwa uMama wathola ilungelo lokusikhulisa.”
Ukukhuliswa umzali oyedwa kuphela—ngokuvamile umama—ngokuvamile kusho ukuthi awunalutho futhi ngokomnotho. Kwakunjalo ngezingane ‘eziyizintandane’ ngisho nasezikhathini zeBhayibheli. (Duteronomi 10:17-19) Ngokwesibonelo, uKeith, ukhumbula ubunzima obalandela ukuchitheka kwemishado emibili kanina:
“Ubaba wahamba ngineminyaka emihlanu ubudala. Kwakuyiphupho elisabekayo. Ukuphila kwakungazinzile; sasithutha njalo ngemva kwezinyanga eziyisithupha. Umama wayengafundile, engasebenzi, engenalutho. Sasithuthela emakamelweni ahlukahlukene, ngokuvamile sasikhishwa ngoba umama wayengakwazi ukukhokha irenti.
“Khona-ke, umama washada nendoda ekahle kakhulu. Ngangiyithanda ngempela. Okungenani kanye ekuphileni kwami, saba nokuzinza okuthile futhi sasingasehli senyuka njalo. Sahlala endlini enegceke nenja, hhayi ekamelweni ! Kodwa ngokushesha baqala ukulwa, futhi ekugcineni umama wathi ufuna ukuhamba. Ngagxumela phakathi kwabo, ngimemeza ngithi ngifuna ukuhlala! Nokho, kwaba nhlanga zimuka nomoya. Sathuthela kwa-anti.”
Ucabangela ubunzima obunjalo—kungasakhulunywa ngokuphoqeleka ukuba ukhethe phakathi kwabantu ababili obathandayo noma wehlukaniswe nabangane—ungase ukuzonde kabi ukudivosa kwabazali bakho. Iqiniso lokuthi wazi eminye imikhaya eye yedlula entweni efanayo akududuzi. Uyazibuza, ‘Kungani lokhu kwenzeka kubazali bami?’
Isizathu Sokuba Abazali Bahlukane
Yiqiniso, kungenzeka ngezinye izikhathi abazali bakho baye baxabana phambi kwakho. Kungenzeka baye baba nobudlova. Ngisho nalapho, kungenzeka awukaze uphuphe ngokuthi bayokwehlukana! Abanye abazali bayakwazi ukugcina izinkinga zabo zigqitshiwe. “Angikhumbuli abazali bami belwa,” kusho uLynn, obazali bakhe badivosa lapho eseyingane. “Ngangicabanga ukuthi babehlalisene kahle.” Ngempela, abacwaningi bedivosi uJudith S. Wallerstein noJoan Kelly bathola “ukuthi ngokuphelele ingxenye eyodwa kwezintathu yezingane [zabazali abadivosile] zazingakuqapheli kangako ukungajabuli kwabazali bazo.”
Nakuba uncenga abazali bakho ukuba bakuchazele, ungase uzwe nje izinkulumo ezivamile ezingezwakali kahle noma ezingaqondile. UWallerstein noKelly bathola ukuthi “izingxenye ezine kwezinhlanu zezingane ezincane [zabazali abadivosile] ezahlolwa zazinganikwa ngisho nencazelo eyanele noma isiqinisekiso sokunakekelwa okuqhubekayo. Ngenxa yalokho, ngolunye usuku zavuka ekuseni zathola omunye umzali esehambile.”
Khona-ke, ngokuzwakalayo, ukudivosa ngaphansi kwanoma yiziphi izimo kungaba yimbibizane ebuhlungu. Ngisho nakuba iBhayibheli leluleka ngokuthi “umfazi kangehlukani nendoda; nendoda ingamlahli umkayo,” ukuchitheka kwemishado kuye kwaba yiqiniso elibuhlungu lokuphila kwanamuhla. (1 Korinte 7:10, 11) Ziyini izizathu?
Kuyadabukisa ukuthi, ngezinye izikhathi umzali uba necala lokuziphatha okubi kobulili. Futhi lapho lokhu kwenzeka, uNkulunkulu uvumela umzali omsulwa ukuba athole idivosi. (Mathewu 19:9) Kwezinye izimo ‘ulaka, nomsindo, nokuhlambalaza’ kuphumela ekudivoseni, kubangele umzali ukuba esabele inhlalakahle yakhe naleyo yezingane.—Efesu 4:31.
Kuyavunywa, amanye amadivosi enziwa ngezizathu eziyize, ikakhulukazi lapho imibhangqwana ingazimisele ukulandela izimiso zeBhayibheli. Ngokwesibonelo, kunokulungisa izinkinga zabo, abanye ngobugovu bayadivosa ngoba bethi ‘abajabuli,’ ‘abanelisiwe,’ noma ‘uthando seluphelile.’ Akudingeki ukusho ukuthi, lokhu kuyamduzama uNkulunkulu ‘ozonda ukwahlukana., (Malaki 2:16) UJesu waqhubeka wabonisa ukuthi abanye babeyoyichitha imishado yabo ngoba abangane babo beba amaKristu.—Mathewu 10:34-36.
Isizathu Sokuba Kube Nzima Ukukutshela
Nokho, kungase kube yimfihlo kuwe ukuthi kungani abazali bakho beye bahlukana. Noma kunjalo, ukuthula kwabo noma izimpendulo ezingezwakali kahle akusho ukuthi abakuthandi. Idivosi iyabashaqisa abazali. Umcwaningi uWallerstein uthi owesifazane ovamile kumthatha “iminyaka emithathu kuya kwemithathu nengxenye” ukuba abuye azuze ukuhleleka kwakhe ngemva kwedivosi. Futhi nakuba amadoda ebonakala elulama ngokushesha, umlobi uFrank Ferrara (naye owadivosa) uyavuma: ‘Yindoda engavamile engenawo umuzwa wecala, isizungu, ulaka, ukucindezeleka, umuzwa wokwehluleka, ukulahlwa.’ Bekhathazekile nabo ngokwabo, abazali bakho bangase bakuthole kunzima ukukhuluma ngedivosi. Kunjengoba iBhayibheli lithi: “Uma udangala ngosuku lokuhlupheka, amandla akho mancane.”—IzAga 24:10.
Ngaphezu kwalokho, ngokuvamile kudinga ababili ‘ukudiliza’ umuzi, futhi abazali bakho bangase bakuthole kukubi noma kudumaza ukuvuma ukwehluleka kwabo. (Qhathanisa nezAga 14:1) Ngezinye izikhathi ngisho nomzali omngane wakhe uye waphinga akakuthandi ukudalula ukungahlakaniphi komngane wakhe.
Lokho Ongakwenza
Nakuba ukungazi kukhungathekisa, akukuzuzisi neze ukusabela ngolaka nangentukuthelo. Esikhundleni salokho, sebenzisa ikhono lokucabanga nokuqonda ukuze uzilondoloze ekulimaleni okungokomzwelo okuhlala njalo. (IzAga 2:11) Zama ukuqonda isikhathi esifanelekile sokuxoxa ngokuthula ngokukhathazeka kwakho nabazali bakho. (IzAga 25:11) Bazise indlela ozizwa udabuke futhi udideke ngayo ngedivosi.
Mhlawumbe abazali bakho bayokunika incanzelo eyanelisayo. Uma kungenjalo, ungalahli ithemba. Zibuze, Ingabe ngempela akulungile ngabazali bami ukungigodlela ukwaziswa? Ingabe uJesu akazange yini akugodle ukwaziswa ayenomuzwa wokuthi abafundi bakhe babengakakulungeli ukukuthwala? (Johane 16:12) Futhi ingabe abazali bakho abanalo ilungelo lokugcina imfihlo? Ngaphandle kwalokho, uma umzali ethole idivosi ngezizathu zokuziphatha okubi kobulili, ingabe akalisebenzisi ilungelo elingokomBhalo?
Qonda futhi isimo esingokwemizwelo sabazali bakho. Njengoba idivosi ingase ibonakale ibangela usizi kuwe—ngisho ibhubhisa—awuboni yini ukuthi ibabangela usizi ngokufanayo abazali bakho? Ingabe bekungaba okufanelekile ukulindela izincazelo ezinde kubo ngalesikhathi?
Okokugcina, yazi ukuthi idivosi, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi siyini isizathu sayo, iyingxabano phakathi kwabo—hhayi nawe! Ekuhloleni kwabo imikhaya engama-60 eyadivosa, uWallerstein noKelly bathola ukuthi imibhangqwana yayisolana, isola abaqashi bayo, amalungu omkhaya, nabangane ngenxa yedivosi. Kodwa, abacwaningi bathi: “Ngokuthakazelisayo, akekho owasola izingane.” Ngakho uma kumelwe uhlale isikhashana ungasazi isizathu, duduzeka ngokwazi ukuthi idivosi ayilona iphutha lakho. Nokuthi naphezu kwezinkinga zabo komunye nomunye, imizwa yabazali bakho ngakuwe ayishintshile.
Cha, lokhu ngeke kubususe ubuhlungu bokudivosa kwabazali bakho. Kodwa ukuzama ukuba nokuqonda okuthile ngalokho okwenzekile phakathi kwabo kungaba isinyathelo sokuqala sokubuyisela ukuphila kwakho endleleni evamile.
[Isithombe ekhasini 16]
Ukubuka ukuchitheka komshado wabazali bakho kungokunye kokuhlangenwe nakho okubuhlungu kakhulu