Amadoda—Ashayayo Ukubuka Ngokuseduze
OCHWEPHESHE bavumelana ngazwi linye ukuthi abashaya amakhosikazi ngokuyisisekelo banesimo esifanayo. Odokotela, abameli, izikhulu zamaphoyisa, izikhulu zasenkantolo, nezisebenzi zezenhlala-kahle—abamisebenzi yabo ibenza bathintane nsuku zonke nobudlova basekhaya—bayavumelana ngalokhu. Esinye isikhulu sasenkantolo sathi: “Ukuzicabangela—kuyisici esiyinhloko. Ukufana koshayayo nengane encane kuyamangalisa. Bonke abesifazane engisebenzelana nabo bangitshela ngezindaba zokuthukuthela. Oshayayo angase atshele bonke abantu ngalokho abakuzuza.” Lesikhulu sichaza umuntu oshayayo njengongakwazi ukucabangela imiphumela yezenzo zakhe.
“Ngokuthakazelisayo,” omunye umbhali wathi, “abesilisa abaphatha kabi ngokuvamile bahlushwa ukungabi nasithunzi, okuyisici esifanayo abazama ukusakha ezisulwini zabo.” “Ukubusa nesikhwele, kuhlanganise nokungazanelisi izidingo zobulili nokungazihloniphi, kuyizici ezivamile zamadoda ashaya abesifazane,” kwasho omunye umbiko wephephandaba. Evumelana naloluhlobo lomuntu ophatha kabi inkosikazi, udokotela wengqondo ophawuliwe wenezela ngokuthi: “Ukushaya kungenye indlela indoda eyisehluleki ezama ukubonisa ngayo ubudoda bayo.”
Kuyacaca ukuthi owesilisa ophatha kabi usebenzisa ubudlova njengethuluzi lokulondoloza ukuqondisa nokubonisa amandla akhe kumngane wakhe womshado. Ophatha kabi inkosikazi wathi: “Uma siyeka ukushaya, silahlekelwa ukuqondisa. Futhi lokho akunangqondo, akubekezeleleki.”
Ngokuvamile ngaphandle kwesizathu, indoda eshayayo ibusa ngokungenangqondo futhi inesikhwele. Ingase icabange ukuthi inkosikazi yayo ithandana nendoda eletha iposi, eletha ubisi, nomngane oseduze womkhaya, noma nanoma ubani omunye engase ikhulumisane naye. Ngisho nakuba ingase imphathe kabi umkayo, imzwise ubuhlungu ngokomzimba, ikwesaba kakhulu ukuhlukana noma ukulahlekelwa nguye. Uma inkosikazi ephathwa kabi isongela ngokuthi izoyishiya, ingase imsongele ngokuthi izombulala bese nayo izibulala.
Lapho inkosikazi ikhulelwe ngokuvamile isikhwele singavusa ingqondo yayo engasile. Indoda ingase izizwe isongelwa ngokuba nokwenzeka kokuba uthando lomkayo manje lususwe kuyo, ukuthi manje sekuzonakekelwa umntwana kuphela. Abesifazane abaningi abashaywayo babika ukuthi uphawu lokuqala lokuphathwa kabi ngamadoda abo lwaqala ukubonakala lapho amadoda abo ebashaya ngesibhakela ngonya esiswini phakathi nokukhulelwa kwabo kokuqala. “Ukuzicabangela okumhluphayo kungase kumbeke esimweni lapho engase azame ngokoqobo ukubulala umbungu,” kwasho esinye isikhulu sasenkantolo.
Uchungechunge Lobudlova
Esinye isici esibonisa umuntu oshaya inkosikazi siwuchungechunge lobudlova okubhekanwa nalo, njengoba kuboniswa amakhosikazi amaningi ashaywayo. Ezingeni lokuqala, indoda ingase iphendukele kuphela emagameni ayiziswana, isebenzise inhlamba. Ingase imsongele ngokuthi izomephuca abantwana, imtshele ukuthi ngeke iphinde ibabone futhi. Izizwa isongelwa, ingase ivume konke ukuthi kuyiphutha layo, ikwamukele ukuthi yiyona enecala lokuphathwa kabi. Manje isiyaluyalu ngokuphelele. Izuza ukuqondisa. Kodwa kumelwe iphathe ngezinga elikhudlwana. Lelizinga lokuqala lingase liqale nganoma yisiphi isikhathi ngemva komshado—ngesinye isikhathi kungakapheli ngisho namasonto amangaki.
Izinga lesibili lingase liqale ngokuqhuma okuyingozi kobudlova—ukumkhahlela, ukumshaya ngesibhakela, ukumluma, ukumdonsa ngezinwele, ukumdaklaza phansi, ukwenza izenzo zobulili ngendlela yobudlova. Ngokokuqala, inkosikazi ingase ibone ukuthi akuyona okumelwe isolwe. Icabanga ngokuthi ngokunokwenzeka imbangela yizinto ezenzeka ngaphandle—ukucindezeleka emsebenzini noma ukungezwani nesebenza nabo.
Ngokushesha ngemva kokuqhuma kobudlova, inkosikazi iduduzwa ukuzisola kwendoda yayo. Manje isisezingeni lesithathu lochungechunge. Imnikeza izipho eziningi. Icela intethelelo yayo. Iyithembisa ukuthi ngeke kuphinde kwenzeke futhi.
Kodwa kuyenzeka futhi, ngokuphindaphindiwe. Akusekho ukuzisola. Manje sekuyindlela yokuphila. Ukusongela ngokuthi izoyibulala uma isongela ngokuhamba kuhlala kukhona. Manje isiyibusa ngokuphelele. Khumbula amazwi acashunwe ngasekuqaleni ashiwo omunye oshaya inkosikazi: “Uma siyeka ukushaya, silahlekelwa ukuqondisa. Futhi lokho akunangqondo.”
Okunye Ukufana
Ngendlela engenamehluko, abaphatha kabi amakhosikazi ngokwabo bayosola abangane babo bomshado ngokuthi bazibizela ukushaywa. Umqondisi wohlelo lokusiza abesifazane abashaywayo uyabika: “Ophatha kabi uthi kumngane wakhe wesifazane, ‘Awukwenzi kahle lokhu, kungakho ngikushaya.’ Noma, ‘Wephuzile ukuletha ukudla, kungakho ngikushaya.’ Kuhlala kuyiphutha lakhe. Futhi lapho lolohlobo lokuphathwa kabi okungokomzwelo luqhubeka iminyaka, owesifazane ukhohliselwa ekubeni akukholelwe.”
Enye inkosikazi yatshelwa yindoda yayo ukuthi yayizidonsela amanzi ngomsele ngezinto eyayingazenzanga kahle. “Njengoba ubudlova babukhula, nokuzithethelela kwakukhula ngokufanayo. Futhi njalo kwakuthiwa, ‘Bheka ongibangele ukuba ngikwenze. Kungani ufuna ukungenza ukuba ngenze lezizinto?’”
Omunye owayeseguqukile ekuphatheni kabi inkosikazi, obaba wakhe naye wayeshaya inkosikazi wathi: “Ubaba wayengeke avume ukuthi unephutha. Akakaze axolise noma avume ukuthi unecala ngezenzo zakhe. Njalo wayesola isisulu sakhe.” Nendodana nayo iyavuma, “Ngangisola umkami ngokuzilethela ukuphathwa kabi.” “Iminyaka eyi-15,” kwasho omunye, “ngangiphatha kabi umkami ngenxa yokuthi wayengomunye woFakazi BakaJehova. Ngangisola umkami ngakho konke. Ngangingaqapheli ukuthi engangikwenza kwakukubi kakhulu kwaze kwaba yilapho ngiqala ukutadisha iBhayibheli. Manje kuyinkumbulo embi ekuphileni kwami. Ngiyazama ukukukhohlwa, kodwa kuhlala kukhona.”
Indaba kababa nendodana, bobabili abashaya amakhosikazi ayiyona ingqayizivele. Kunalokho, iyisici esivamile samadoda ashayayo. Indodana yavuma ukuthi ukushaywa kwamakhosikazi kwakuhlehlela emuva eminyakeni eyi-150 emkhayeni wakubo, kwakudluliselwa kusuka kubaba kuya endodaneni. NgokweNational Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “kubantwana ababona ubudlova basekhaya, abafana abangamaphesenti angama-60 ekugcineni baba ngabashayayo namantombazane angamaphesenti angama50 aba yizisulu.”
Omunye umbhali wephephandaba wathi: “Ngisho nakuba bengashaywa futhi bengabonisi kulimala kwangaphandle, labantwana baye bafunda okuthile ngokunokwenzeka abangeke bakukhohlwe: ukuthi kwamukelekile ukusingatha izinkinga nokucindezeleka ngezindlela zobudlova.”
Labo abalungiselela abesifazane abashaywayo izindawo zokulala bathi abafana abaye babona omama babo beshaywa obaba babo ngokuvamile baphendukela komama babo ngendlela yobudlova noma basongele odadewabo ngokubabulala. Omunye wathi: “Lokhu akusikho nje ukudlala kwabantwana. Kuqondiwe ngempela.” Bebone abazali babo besebenzisa ubudlova ekubhekaneni nentukuthelo. Abantwana babubona buwukuphela kwendlela abangayisebenzisa.
Inkondlo ithi amantombazanyana enziwe “ngoshukela nezinongo, nangakho konke okumnandi.” Lamantombazanyana akhula abe omama bethu namakhosikazi, lawo amadoda athi ngeke enze lutho ngaphandle kwawo. Ngokuqinisekile-ke, ukulunga kumelene nokuphathwa kabi kwamakhosikazi, kodwa ukulunga kukabani—komuntu noma kukaNkulunkulu?