Isehlukaniso—Isivuno Saso Esibuhlungu

AKUBONA abameli nabangane nezokuxhumana “nochwepheshe” okumelwe babhekane nemiphumela yesehlukaniso. Imibhangqwana ehlukanisayo—nabantwana bayo—elimalayo ekugcineni.a Esikhundleni sokuba sibe okuhlangenwe nakho okukhululayo, isehlukaniso singaba nomonakalo omkhulu ngendlela eshaqisayo.

Kwethi The Case Against Divorce, uDiane Medved uyavuma ukuthi ekuqaleni wayehlose ukubhala incwadi “eyayingeke ithathe uhlangothi ngokokuziphatha” ngokuphathelene nesehlukaniso. Nokho, wazizwa ephoqelekile ukushintsha umqondo wakhe. Ngani? Uyabhala: “Kalula nje, ngathola ekucwaningeni kwami ukuthi inqubo nemiphumela yesehlukaniso ibhubhisa kakhulu ngokuphelele—emzimbeni, engqondweni, nasemoyeni—kangangokuthi ezimweni eziningi ngokumangalisayo, ‘ikhambi’ esililethayo ngokuqinisekile sibi kakhulu ukwedlula ‘isifo’ somshado.”

UAnn, okukhulunywe ngaye esihlokweni esandulelayo, uyavuma: “Ngangicabanga ukuthi isehlukaniso sasiyongikhulula. Ngacabanga ukuthi uma nje ngangingaphuma kulomshado, khona-ke kwakuyongilungela. Kodwa ngaphambi kwesehlukaniso, okungenani ubuhlungu bami bangenza ngezwa ukuthi ngiyaphila. Ngemva kokuba ngithole isehlukaniso, angizwanga nokuzwa ukuthi ngiyaphila. Kwakunobuze kangangokuthi ngazizwa ngingasaphili. Kwakukubi ngempela. Angikwazi ukuchaza indlela engangizizwa ngingelutho ngayo.” Ngemva kwesehlukaniso, ukuthembisa okuyize kwenkululeko nenjabulo kwanyamalala kwavela amaqiniso afiphele okuphila kwansuku zonke.

Iqiniso langempela liwukuthi, ngisho nalapho kunezizathu ezingokomthetho zesehlukaniso, imiphumela yaso ingaba buhlungu futhi ihlale isikhathi eside. Ngakho noma ubani ocabangela isinyathelo esinjalo esikhulu uyobe ehlakaniphile ngokulalela kuqala iseluleko sikaJesu: ‘Bala izindleko.’ (Luka 14:28) Ngokuqondile, ziyini ezinye izindleko, eminye yemiphumela ebuhlungu yesehlukaniso?

Imiphumela Engokomzwelo Nengokokuziphatha

Ukuhlola kwamuva okwakhishwa kuyiJournal of Marriage and the Family kwabonisa ukuthi isehlukaniso sihlangene nokungajabuli kanye nokucindezeleka. Abahlukanisile babethambekele kakhulu ekucindezelekeni, futhi labo ababehlukanise ngaphezu kwesikhathi esisodwa babethambekele ekucindezelekeni ngokuphindaphindiwe ngokwengeziwe. Isazi sezenhlalo uLenore Weitzman, encwadini yakhe ethi The Divorce Revolution, uphawula ukuthi abantu abahlukanisile nabahlala ngokwehlukana banamazinga aphakeme kakhulu okulaliswa ezibhedlela zezokwelapha ingqondo; ngakho baba futhi namazinga aphakeme okugula, ukufa ngaphambi kwesikhathi, nokuzibulala.

Ekuhloleni kwakhe abantu abangu-200, uMedved wathola ukuthi isehlukaniso sasishiye amadoda nabesifazane bephazamisekile ngokomzwelo esikhathini esiyisilinganiso seminyaka eyisikhombisa, abanye amashumi eminyaka. Wathola ukuthi into eyodwa isehlukaniso esingayithintanga kwakuyindlela elimazayo yokuziphatha eyaholela umbhangqwana ekuhlukaniseni kwasekuqaleni. Khona-ke, akumangalisi ukuthi imishado yesibili ithambekele ngisho nangokwengeziwe ekwehlulekeni kunemishado yokuqala!

Esikhundleni sokuthuthukisa ukuziphatha, isehlukaniso ngokuvamile sinomphumela omubi ngokuphawulekayo ekuziphatheni. Abacwaningi baye bathola ukuthi ngemva kwesehlukaniso, amadoda nabesifazane abaningi bangena kafushane ohlotsheni oluthile lwesikhathi sokuthomba kwesibili. Banambitha inkululeko yabo abasanda kuyithola ngokuphishekela uchungechunge lokuthandana ukuze basekele ukuzethemba okwehlayo noma ukuze baxoshe isizungu. Kodwa ukuphola ngezizathu ezinjalo zobugovu kungaholela ekuziphatheni okubi kobulili, okuhambisana nohlu lwakho olude lwemiphumela elimazayo. Futhi kungalimaza ngokukhethekile kubantwana ukubona abazali babo benza ngalendlela.

Nokho, ngokuvame kakhulu imibhangqwana ehlukanisayo kakade isiye yasekela inkulumo-ze yezwe yokuthi izidingo zayo siqu nokukhathalela kuza kuqala. Ngakho-ke, izenza ingabuboni ubuhlungu eyobubangela ekuphileni okubazungezile—kwabantwana bayo, kwabazali bayo, kwabangane bayo. Eminye iyakhohlwa ukuthi noNkulunkulu angezwa ubuhlungu enhliziyweni yakhe lapho singazinaki izindinganiso zakhe. (Qhathanisa neHubo 78:40, 41; Malaki 2:16.) Isehlukaniso singaba futhi indaba ecasula kakhulu, ikakhulukazi lapho siqalisa izimpi mayelana nokuwinwa kwabantwana nempahla.

Inhlekelele Engokwezimali

ULenore Weitzman waqhubeka ephetha ngokuthi isehlukaniso futhi “siyinhlekelele engokwezimali” kwabesifazane eUnited States. Ngokwesilinganiso, sihlukanisa phakathi izimali zabo zezinto ezibalulekile njengokudla, indlu, nokokubasa. Wathola ukuthi indinganiso yabo yokuphila yehla ngamaphesenti ashaqisayo angu-73 ngemva kwesehlukaniso!

Wayelindele ukuthola ukuthi imithetho yesimanje, “ekhanyiselwe” yesehlukaniso yayiyosebenza njengesivikelo kwabesifazane. Kunalokho, wathola ukuthi abesifazane babika ukuzizwa bephelelwa yithemba futhi bentula ngemva kwesehlukaniso. Bathi ngokungazelele kwadingeka baphendukele ezimisweni zezenhlala-kahle, emathikithini okuthola ukudla, izindawo zokukhosela, nasezindaweni zokondliwa kwabampofu. Amaphesenti angu-70 abesifazane axoxa nabo abika ukuthi ayenokukhathazeka okungapheli ngemizamo yokuziphilisa. Abanye babenomuzwa wokwesaba, ukukhungatheka, ngisho nokuvalelwa nabantwana babo, bengenaso isikhathi sabo ngokwabo.

Insizwa esizoyibiza ngokuthi uTom, ebazali bayo bahlukanisa lapho ineminyaka eyisishiyagalombili ubudala, iyakhumbula: “Nokho, ngemva kokuba uBaba ehambile, sasinakho ngaso sonke isikhathi ukudla, kodwa ngokungazelele, uma kwakunethini likanamunedi kwakungukunethezeka. Sasingenamali yokuthenga izembatho ezintsha. UMama kwadingeka asenzele amayembe. Lapho ngibuka izithombe zethu thina bantwana ngalesosikhathi, kuyisithombe esidabukisayo sabantu ababukeka begula.”

Njengoba abesifazane abaningi bewina abantwana futhi obaba behluleka ukukhokha izondlo zabantwana eziyalwa inkantolo—ngokuvamile eziphansi kakhulu—isehlukaniso sithambekele ngokwengeziwe ekwenzeni abesifazane babe mpofu kunamadoda. Nakuba kunjalo, isehlukaniso asiwacebisi ngempela nawo amadoda. Incwadi ethi Divorced Fathers iphawula ukuthi izindleko ezingokomthetho zizodwa zingathatha ingxenye yawo wonke umholo wendoda waminyaka yonke. Isehlukaniso siyalimaza futhi ngokomzwelo kumadoda nobaba. Abaningi bayakhathazeka ngokulinganiselwa ekubeni izivakashi nje ekuphileni kwabantwana babo.

Londa Umshado Wakho!

Khona-ke, akumangalisi ukuthola ukuthi ekuhlolweni kwabantu abaye bahlala unyaka behlukanisile, amaphesenti angu-81 amadoda/obaba namaphesenti angu-97 abafazi/omama avuma ukuthi isehlukaniso kungenzeka sasiyiphutha nokuthi kwakufanele azame kakhudlwana ukuba enze umshado wawo uphumelele. “Ochwepheshe” abaningi ngokwengeziwe nabo bayahoxa ngokukhathazeka ezimweni zengqondo zokunganaki ngomshado abake bazisekela. ILos Angeles Times muva nje yaphawula: “Njengoba beye baba neminyaka engaphezu kwengu-25 beqaphela imiphumela, abaningi abelapha ngezingxoxo . . . bazikhandla ngokwengeziwe ekusindiseni imishado.”

Yebo, ukuhoxa kulula “ngochwepheshe.” Eqinisweni, abakwenzayo nje ukuthi, “Uxolo!” bese beqala ukusho okunye okuhlukile. Akulula kangako ngezinkulungwane zabantu ezalandela iseluleko sabo. Nakuba kunjalo, izisulu zesehlukaniso zingafunda izifundo ezibucayi kokuhlangenwe nakho kwazo okubuhlungu, njengalokho okuchazwa kafushane iHubo 146:3, 4: “Ningethembi ezikhulwini nasendodaneni yomuntu okungekho kuyo ukusiza. Umoya wakhe uyaphuma, yena abuyele emhlabathini wakhe; ngalona lolosuku amacebo akhe ayaphela.”

Abangane, abelapha ngezingxoxo, abameli, noma izilomo zezokuxhumana bamane nje bangabantu abangaphelele. Ngakho lapho sidinga iseluleko ngomshado, kungani sithembela ngokuphelele kubo? Bekungeke yini kube nengqondo eyengeziwe ukuphendukela kuqala kuJehova uNkulunkulu, uMklami womshado? Izimiso zakhe azikhukhulwa ukuthambekela okushintshayo kwemibono “yochwepheshe.” Ziye zaba iqiniso ezinkulungwaneni zeminyaka, futhi ziyasebenza namuhla.

UAndrew noAnn baqala ukukuqaphela lokhu esikhathini esithile ngemva kokuba behlukanisile. Babona ukuthi ukwehlukanisa kwabo kuye kwaba iphutha elibi kakhulu. Nokho, ngokuphawulekayo kwakungakephuzi kangako ngabo. Babuyelana futhi bashada kabusha. Futhi baqala ukushintsha ukucabanga kwabo. “Ngaqaphela,” kukhumbula uAndrew, “ukuthi ngangiwohlokile ngokokuziphatha, futhi ngangidinga usizo. Ngokokuqala ngqá eminyakeni eminingi, ngathandaza ngakho. Ngangifuna ukwenza okulungile; ngakho kwadingeka ngiyeke engangikwenza futhi ngilahle zonke izindinganiso engangizicoshe ezweni. Ngangingasazifuni.”

UAnn uyenanela: “Isizathu sokuba sikwazi ukuba ndawonye manje, naphezu kwalesosikhathi esidlule esibi emva kwethu, siwukuthi sobabili sasikufuna ngempela ukuba abalungile phambi kukaJehova. Futhi sasifuna ukuba uphumelele.” Lokhu akusho ukuthi kuye kwaba lula kusukela ngalesosikhathi. “Manje sesihlala sibubhekile ubuhlobo bethu, njengenja eqaphile. Futhi uma omunye wethu enomuzwa wokuthi buyakhukhuleka, siyakhuluma ngakho.”

UAndrew noAnn manje bakhulisa abantwana ababili abajabulayo. Ukhonza njengenceku ekhonzayo kwelinye ibandla loFakazi BakaJehova. Yebo, izinto azihambi kahle ngokuphelele. Awukho umshado ophelele kulelizwe elidala. Kungenzeka kanjani, ngoba uhlanganisa abantu ababili abangaphelele? Kungakho iBhayibheli lisixwayisa ngokuthi kusukela esikhathini isono sangena ezweni, umshado uye waletha izinga elithile ‘losizi enyameni.’ (1 Korinte 7:28) Ngakho-ke, umshado akumelwe ungenelwe ngokuthathwa kalula; noma ubani ocabangela ukushada uyobe enza kahle ngokuchitha isikhathi esanele sokumazi lowo amcabangela njengomlingane. Futhi lapho sekungeniwe kuwo, ngokuvamile ubuhle bomshado buxhomeke emzamweni owenziwayo.

Nokho, ngokucacile isehlukaniso akumelwe naso sithathwe kalula. Lapho isehlukaniso sibhekwa njengesidingekile noma esingenakugwenywa, ngokuqinisekile uNkulunkulu angasinikeza usizo esiludingayo lokukhuthazelela izikhathi ezinzima ezingase zilandele. Kodwa uma silandela ukuthambekela kwezwe kokuba nombono olulazayo ngesimiso esingcwele somshado, ubani oyosivikela emiphumeleni yobuwula obunjalo? Ngakho londa umshado wakho. Kunokulungela ukuvele uwulahle lapho izinto zingahambi kahle, gxila ekutholeni ikhambi. Zama ukulungisa kunokubhidliza. Bheka eZwini likaNkulunku ukuze uthole amakhambi awusizo ezinkinga zomshado.b Amakhambi ayatholakala. Futhi ayasebenza.

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Londa umshado ngokuzinika isikhathi sokwenza izinto ndawonye njengomkhaya