Ugibe Lwesehlukaniso

UANDREW noAnn babewumbhangqwana omangalisayo. Kubo bobabili uAnn wayezithulela futhi ezindla ngokwengeziwe, kodwa ukuzola kwakhe kwenjabulo kwabonakala kuphambene ngempela nobuntu buka-Andrew obukhululeke ngokwengeziwe, umdlandla nokuhlekisa kwakhe okungalawuleki. Amehlo ka-Ann ayebonisa ukwesasa uma ekhona. Futhi noma ubani wayebona ukuthi uAndrew wayemthanda.

Nokho, ngemva kweminyaka eyisikhombisa umshado wabo waqala ukuhlukana. UAndrew wathola umsebenzi omusha owawudla esiningi sesikhathi sakhe. UAnn waqala ukukuzonda ukuba matasa kwakhe okusha ngomsebenzi nokufika kwakhe njalo ebusuku kakhulu. Wazama “ukugcwalisa isikhala,” njengoba akubeka, ngokugxila emsebenzini wakhe siqu. Kodwa kungakadluli isikhathi eside uAndrew wayefika ekhaya enuka utshwala, echaza ukuthi ubeyongcebeleka nakanye nabo ebhizinisini. Inkinga yakhe yophuzo yaba yimbi ngokwengeziwe, futhi ekugcineni uAnn wathutha endlini yabo. UAndrew wacindezeleka. Esikhathini esingangezinyanga, base befune isehlukaniso.

Kwabaningi lendaba ingabonakala ijwayeleke kakhulu. Njengoba siye sabona, amazinga esehlukaniso aye anda kuwo wonke umhlaba. Futhi singaqiniseka ngokuthi, ezinye izehlukaniso azinakugwenywa noma zidingekile. IBhayibheli alisilahli ngokungenamibandela isehlukaniso, njengoba abanye becabanga. Izindinganiso zalo zinokulunga futhi zinengqondo, zivumela isehlukaniso ngezizathu zokuphinga (Mathewu 19:9); izimiso zalo zivumela ukuhlala ngokwehlukana emshadweni ngaphansi kwezimo ezithile ezimbi kakhulu, njengokuxhashazwa ngokomzimba.a (Bheka uMathewu 5:32; 1 Korinte 7:10, 11.) Kodwa lezi kwakungezona izimiso ezabangela ukwehlukana kuka-Andrew noAnn.

UAndrew noAnn babengamaKristu futhi babeke bawazisa umshado njengongcwele. Kodwa njengathi sonke, bahlala ezweni elishumayela indinganiso ehluke kakhulu—ukuthi umshado ungase ulahlwe futhi isehlukaniso siyindlela yokuwulahla. Minyaka yonke loluhlobo lokucabanga luthonya izinkulungwane zemibhangqwana ukuba yehlukanise ngezizathu ezingaqinile neze, ezingekho neze ngokomBhalo. Futhi eminingi ikuqaphela—sekwephuze kakhulu—ukuthi isimo sayo sengqondo “sesimanje,” “sokukhanyiselwa” ngesehlukaniso siyiyengele ogibeni.

Ugibe? ‘Laze lesabisa leligama,’ abanye bangase basho. Ungase ube nomuzwa, njengoba abaningi kangaka benawo namuhla, wokuthi isehlukaniso simane nje siyindlela ephucuzekile yokuphuma emshadweni owusizi. Kodwa ingabe uyaluqaphela uhlangothi olubi lwesehlukaniso? Futhi ingabe uye wabona ukuthi izwe lanamuhla lingawulolonga kanjani ngobuqili umcabango wethu ngesehlukaniso—singaboni?

Ukunxenxa Kokuzanelisa

Endabeni ka-Andrew noAnn, ingxenye yalokho okwabanxenxela esehlukanisweni kwakuwukuthembisa okukhohlisayo kokuzanelisa ngomsebenzi ophumelelayo. Umshado wabo waba isisulu sokucabanga ‘ngomsebenzi kuqala.’ Wawungesona neze isisulu sokuqala. Iphephabhuku iFamily Relations laphawula emuva ngo-1983: “Ukuzanelisa komuntu sekuyisimiso esilawula ukwenza kwakhe. Ngenxa yalokho, izibopho eziseduze emalungwini amaningi emikhaya zinqamuka ngokushesha futhi ngisho nesibopho somshado sicindezeleka kakhulu.” UAndrew wayewuthanda kakhulu umsebenzi wakhe omusha nokuthembisa kwawo intuthuko. Wathatha imisebenzi eyengeziwe futhi waba nobudlelwane nasebenza nabo ngemva komsebenzi ukuze azuze ukuzethemba okwengeziwe nokwamukeleka. Ngalesosikhathi, umsebenzi ka-Ann wawumbonisa imibono yempulelelo angayizuza ngemfundo eyengeziwe.

Ukugijimisa ukunxenxa kwempumelelo kwakunemiphumela ekabili. Okokuqala, kwakusho ukuthi uAndrew noAnn babenesikhathi esincane somunye nomunye. Njengoba uAnn ekubeka: “Sasidonsekela ezinhlangothini ezihlukene. Ngakho asizange sibe nezingxoxo zethu zangehora leshumi ebusuku njengoba sasiba nazo, sihlale phansi futhi sibonisane ngezinto. Wayezilungiselela usuku lwakhe olulandelayo emsebenzini, futhi kwakunjalo nangami. Ukukhulumisana kwanqamuka.”

Umphumela wesibili wawungokomoya. Ngokubeka imisebenzi yabo phambili, babegudluzela ubuhlobo babo noNkulunkulu emuva ngaso kanye isikhathi ababemdinga ngaso kakhulu. Isimiso esihlelekile sokusebenzisa izimiso zeBhayibheli sasingamsiza uAndrew ukuba asingathe inkinga yakhe yokuphuza futhi sinikeze uAnn amandla okusekela umyeni wakhe phakathi naloluvivinyo olunzima.

Ngakho kunokuba basebenzele ezinkingeni zabo zomshado, baqala ukubheka isehlukaniso njengento abangayenza, mhlawumbe ngisho nanjengendlela yokukhululeka kukho konke ukucindezeleka ababenakho. Ngemva kwesehlukaniso, umuzwa wabo wecala nehlazo wabenza bayeka ukuphila kwabo okungokomoya ngokuphelele. Babengasasho ukuthi bangamaKristu.

“Ochwepheshe” Basiza Ekwenzeni Ugibe Luhehe

Imibhangqwana eminingi, lapho ibhekene nezinkinga zomshado, iphendukela kubeluleki bezemishado nabelapha ngezingxoxo noma ezincwadini ezibhalwe izikhulu ezinjalo. Kodwa ngokudabukisayo, abanye “ochwepheshe” bezemishado banamuhla baye bazibonakalisa benekhono ngokwengeziwe ekusekeleni isehlukaniso kunasekulondolozeni umshado. Emashumini amuva eminyaka imibono “yochwepheshe” ngokumelene nomshado iye yaba uswebezane njengesikhonyane esibhubhisayo.

Ngokwesibonelo, odokotela bezifo zengqondo uSusan Gettleman noJanet Markowitz bayabubula kuyiCourage to Divorce: “Iyaphikelela inkolelo engenangqondo yokuthi abantu abahlukanisile baye bachezuka esimisweni esithile esinenzuzo esibizwa ngokuthi ‘ukuphila komkhaya okuvamile.’” Bagxeka “imingcele engokomthetho nezindinganiso zokuziphatha” ezimelene nesehlukaniso “ezisekelwe ezimisweni ezingokwenkolo ezasunguleka emakhulwini amaningi eminyaka adlule.” Baphikisa ngokuthi isehlukaniso siyohlala sikhona kuze kube yilapho “ukuphela kancane kancane komshado” kwenza isehlukaniso sibe “esingadingekile.” Batusa incwadi yabo kubameli, abahluleli—nabefundisi!

‘Isehlukaniso asisibi. Isehlukaniso siyakhulula. Ukuvama kwesehlukaniso akusona isibonakaliso sokuthi kunokuthile okungalungile emphakathini; kuyisibonakaliso sokuthi kunokuthile okungalungile esimisweni somshado.’ “Ochwepheshe” abaningi baye bafundisa lowombono, ikakhulukazi phakathi nenkathi ethandwa kakhulu yenguquko yokuziphatha kobulili ngawo-1960 nawo-1970. Muva nje, izazi zezifo zengqondo ezaziwayo nezazi zokwakheka kwabantu ziye ngisho zacabanga ukuthi umuntu “uqondiswa”—ukuziphendukela kwemvelo, nokwenza—ukuba ashintshe abalingane njalo eminyakeni embalwa. Ngamanye amazwi, ubuhlobo bangaphandle komshado nezehlukaniso kumane nje kungokwemvelo.

Kunzima ukucabanga ukuthi mingaki imishado eye yonakaliswa imiqondo enjalo. Kodwa abanye ochwepheshe abaningi bakhuthaza isehlukaniso ngezindlela zobuqili ngokwengeziwe. Njengoba uDiane Medved ayecwaninga incwadi yakhe iCase Against Divorce, wathola ukuthi izincwadi ezingu-50 emtatsheni wezincwadi wasendaweni yakubo uma zingasekeli isehlukaniso ngokuqondile, okungenani ‘zazihalalisela abazifundayo ukuba bahlukanise.’ Uyaxwayisa: “Lezincwadi zikufaka kalula enkundleni yabangashadile futhi zituse ‘inkululeko’ yakho ‘entsha’ njengokungathi . . . iyindlela yokugcina yokwaneliseka.”

Amanye Amathonya

Yebo, kunamanye amathonya amaningi asekela isehlukaniso ngaphandle “kochwepheshe” abadukisayo. Ezokuxhumana—iTV, amabhayisikobho, omagazini, amanoveli othando—ngokuvamile ziyanezela esikhukhuleni esiqhubekayo senkulumo-ze emelene nomshado. Ngezinye izikhathi ezokuxhumana zinikeza isigijimi sokuthi injabulo engapheli, ukuthokoza, nokwaneliseka kutholakala ngaphandle kokubelesela kwesidina sokuphila komshado nokuthi ngalé kwaloluthingo olukhazimulayo lokungashadi nenkululeko kulinde omunye umlingane, ongcono kakhulu kunalowo osekhaya.

Ukumane nje ube ongabazayo ngemiqondo enjalo elimazayo kungase kungakuvikeli kuyo. Njengoba uMedved ekubeka: “Ubona ibhayisikobho, futhi ngisho nangokuhlakanipha kwakho kwezwe amandla ayo angakuthonya. Awunakukugwema—indaba nezigcawu kunikezwa ngendlela yokuba uvumelane nomdlali oqavile (indoda edlala ngothando?) futhi uzonde osolwayo (umfazi odelelayo?). . . . Wena ngokwakho ungase ungakusekeli okubonayo, kodwa khona nje ukwazi ukuthi abanye bayakusekela, kuqiniswa ngezinye izindlela eziningi kuyo yonke impucuko yethu, kuqeda ukuzimisela kwakho siqu nokuqiniseka.”

Ukuziphatha kwabantu esikanye nabo kuyasithonya. Uma kunjalo ngezigijimi zezokuxhumana, kangakanani-ke ngabangane esibakhethayo! Ngokuhlakanipha, iBhayibheli liyaxwayisa: “Ningakhohliswa; ukujwayelana nababi konakalisa ukuziphatha okuhle.” (1 Korinte 15:33) Umshado omuhle ungokunye kokuziphatha okuhle kakhulu. Singawonakalisa uma sizenza abangane nalabo abangasihloniphi lesimiso. Imibhangqwana eminingi iye yazithola ihlukanisa ngenxa yokuthi iye yathululela izinkinga zayo zomshado “kubangane” abanjalo—ngezinye izikhathi ngisho nakulabo bona ngokwabo ababekhethe isehlukaniso ngaphandle kwezizathu zangempela ezithethelelekayo.

Abanye bafuna iseluleko somthetho ngaphambi kwesikhathi lapho umshado wabo ungaphansi kokucindezeleka. Bayakhohlwa ukuthi isimiso somthetho emazweni amaningi siwumshini osebenza ngokushelelayo oklanyelwe ukwenza lula isehlukaniso. Kakade, abameli bayazuza ngokusingatha izehlukaniso, hhayi ngokubuyisana.

Nakuba kunjalo, ungase ubuze, ‘Uma bonke labobameli, abelapha ngezingxoxo, izilomo zezokuxhumana, ngisho nabangane nalabo esijwayelene nabo beye bazithathela futhi basekela isimo sengqondo sokululaza isehlukaniso, kungenzeka yini ukuthi lokho abakushoyo kuyiqiniso?’ Kungenzeka yini ukuthi abantu abaningi kangaka babe sephutheni ngokuthile okubaluleke kangaka? Ukuhlola eminye yemiphumela yesehlukaniso kuzosisiza sithole impendulo.

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Abanye “ochwepheshe” bezemishado baye bazibonakalisa benekhono ngokwengeziwe ekusekeleni isehlukaniso kunasekulondolozeni umshado